by Montreece Hardy,
While this is a joke, this happens to have been a reality for many women married to younger men who are 5+ years their junior. And while the idea is taboo, still, in some circles, marriages and relationships in the pop culture spot light have helped make the cougar/puma phenomenon much more acceptable these days.
So you find yourself married to a younger man…now what do you do to keep him? The following denotes just a few things to hang on to that younger man, make him and yourself happier, and overall make your marriage stronger.
Stop with the Jokes
So I know my favorite two running jokes have always been that I picked my husband up off the playground, and that I was single so long because I had to wait for him to be born. It is funny to us women, but after a very short while it is embarrassing and irritating for our men. Do your marriage a favor and kill the jokes because he doesn’t need any reminders of any insecurities or inadequacies he may bring to the relationship just because he is younger than you.
Forget the Age Difference
Early on in our relationship, I used to dwell on the 7 year gap between me and my husband. This was during the time I was most insecure about our relationship and when I cared way too much about what people thought. I sought approval for my relationship in people who didn’t matter. Nowadays, many times I forget exactly how old my husband is simply because of his personality. He is trapped with a mindset and soul that is at least 20 years beyond his chronological age. The security that I have found in letting myself be in love with my husband regardless of public opinion has been priceless and is better for our marriage. Wisdom comes from God and with experience, it is not related to longevity.
You Are NOT his Mother, You’re His Wife!
My therapist had to remind me of this. I would tell myself this all the time. I would tell my husband this all the time. But my actions contradicted my words. As the more seasoned partner in the marriage we have to work that much harder to be patient while our spouse makes mistakes (some that we may have made earlier in life and tried to warn them about – don’t get me started!), grows mature physically (changing body type), and grows spiritually. Stand by his side, not over him, and walk with him on your journey together.
Reverence, Reverence, Reverence
Your God-given role as the helpmeet is still that, regardless of your being older than your husband. Just because you are older doesn’t mean you boss him around, talk down to him (at home and especially not in public), control any and everything you get your hands on, etc. You have a partnership, and ultimately, as Ephesians 5:23 says, your younger husband is “the head of his wife.” You chose him to be that – accept it. And after you swallow that pill, chase it with some humble pie because it takes heaps of humility to be a grown (achieved degrees, career success, financial independence, and whatever that is for you) woman and respect your younger husband as that head. Pray and ask God to help you help him without hindering him, support him without suffocating him…He can do it! I am a witness!
Never Mind Gold, Silence is Platinum
Speaking of your list of accomplishments, don’t rattle that out to him reminding him you can do bad/good all by yourself anytime you have a heated discussion. I personally feel we as the older vessels in the marriage have to work twice as hard to “bridle that tongue” but it is worth it in the end. All of this is to help empower your husband. Your mouth can do you a lot of good if you are praying and speaking words of wisdom and encouragement. Anything outside of that, I have learned to be silent first – it is a must. When I trust God to deal with my husband, OH BOY does he deal with him. I just have to remember that every time I tell myself to shut up. It hurts, but try it once and you will see the life changing benefits – hence the reason silence is platinum.
He Will Learn from Your Example
I think this is universal for all wives. However, it is easy to get caught on that thin line between leading by example and feeling like you’re mothering again. Don’t worry about it. As long as you are merely doing and not talking about it, trust, if you have a praying man, he is watching, and God will show him how he is using you. Whatever it is, be it financial management, discipline with the kids, spiritual development, domestic management… God is able, but you have to really trust Him and just do the work. You will see the benefits if you don’t give up.
Be Open to Learning from Him
So there’s a generation or two between you. Doesn’t mean he has nothing to teach you. You chose him for a reason. And as often as you can, remind him of that and point out what you have learned from him. This is very empowering and supportive, without being overwhelmingly maternal.
It is no easy task being married to a younger man, but it is very possible. It may call for you to spiritually and mentally grow exponentially, not only to keep the peace, but to keep the enjoyment and genuine happiness in your marriage. Be encouraged!
Montreece Hardy is currently a stay-at-home wife, to Brandon, and mother of 21-month-old Jeremiah and 7-month-old Hannah. This is hopefully her first published relationship article ever! She has a bachelor’s degree in English literature, a Master’s degree in Education, and cuurently performs freelance copy editing and writing for a diverse array of Christian, education, and health-based e-magazines, blogs, and websites.
I agree with you except I was ultimately and unknowingly a cover for a not-out-the closet young man who thought he got someone with money. I tried to make it work for 16 years (because I made the vows and church), until he out grew me and began treating me badly. Didn’t know he was working on another older woman on the side. ( It wasn’t about me not doing what I was supposed to do), felt he needed to trade up! I know this can happen to anyone at any age but I will take off the rose colored glasses next time. To think how I watched him learn things he should have known 10 years ago. I was too patient. Younger may work out ok but not for me.
VETTE: I am sorry you had that experience as it is a terrible one. You have already acknowledged that it could truly happen with anyone of any age, as “users” come in all ages, shapes, sizes, races, etc. I can see how you would be closed-off and jaded from that experience as well. However, I will say this. Romans 8:28 says “all things work together for the good of them that love God and are called according to His purpose.” I truly believe all the scriptures, especially this one. Most people only memorize and repeat the first part about all things working together for the good, BUT there is a qualifier in the latter portion of the scripture. If you have salvation, a strong relationship with God, and you know you LOVE Him and are CALLED according to HIS purpose, then you understand that even THAT “failed” marriage was a learning experience working together for YOUR good. And you may also know, then, that, should you be called unto the ministry of marriage again, it could very well be with someone younger as that just may be who GOD has for you. If you close your heart and mind to what/who GOD has for you then you could be rejecting a blessing. Just food for thought. I am not trying to discount your trials or emotional hurt at all – nor am I trying to say I completely understand because I have not been through anything like that. But I have seen God do miracles in people’s lives – those who were open and available to receive – and I would not want you or anyone to miss out on a miracle because of past hurts and scars. I will personally pray you my dear. Be encouraged!
This article is right on point. I am also with a younger man (8 years young). My opinion (seriously) younger men are way mature than the ones my age or older. Sometimes we as women can’t expect a husbabd in our age range) to change. Some are already too set in their ways to help change. The younger ones we may let them learn from their mistakes, but we can also mold (teach) them while being their helpmate. Not their mother I will have to agree that silence is the key when it comes to us women . I have learned from my aunt that when dealing with your mate their is a line you must never cross. Correcting your husbandin front of others and interrupting a mens conversation is a big no no. Either take your husband to the side or wait until they leave to have a heated discussion. Also, don’t be sitting around your man and his boys if their is no other women around. Always be honest and let him be him ( to a certain extent). If you’ve married for better for worse. For richer or for poor. Sickness and health then that is what you signed up for younger or older. No matter what always have your husband back. Dont give up on him. And always be his back bone ( especially when he makes mistakes).
I am presently involved with a guy 19 years my junior. I never expected it to happen and didn’t go looking for it. He is not only younger, but is in another country…He is an Ethiopian Jew. We both love God and are Christians. This is why I guess I trust him. My greatest fear is that he will want children. He has two by his ex-wife. He is 39 and I am 58. We both have a passion for the word and work in the ministry. We both believe that God allowed us to come together. I need some advice. I will pray but I don’t feel bad at all about the age difference except that he may want children. I don’t have an exceptional income, but he doesn’t know that yet. I don’t have money to offer him so I am not worried about him wanting me for money. I do look younger for my age and he says that all of his friends tell him that he acts much more mature than what he is. We have at least three things that are, not exactly strikes, but differences… age, race, and culture.
every one out there am paul am 23 years old i need a old woman to marry you are interested in me pls email,,,, ([email protected])
My husband is 20yrs younger than I; we’ve been with eachother going on 4 yrs. Infidelity played a role last year with him having a girl on the side. I thought he would learn but I still cannot trust him, I go searching his phone records to see if he is doing it again and I find womens #’s and texting back and forth. He tells me I dont trust him but it is very hard too trust. I’m lost.
I’m recently live together a younger 14 yrs gap age. From the beginning I feel comfortable with him. We have same thought about crazy things. We fight a lot, and he left me many times, but after one to two days he coming back home cause I made him back. Its not easy to have a young husband, insecurities comes often in mind especially I’m jealous woman. But I tried my best to work out our relationship. Even he trying my life style and fashion.
Your article is encouraging! My husband is 35 years younger then me and from a forigen country. Living in the US and with me has been a total life change for him and I. He’s a very unique person, and that certainly is what attracted me to him. His kindness is priceless. His wisdom is way beyond men his age in America. I appreciate and love him very much. He is however not my equal in intelligence, life experiences or maturity. I recognize his laughter on the phone with his friends like a 15 year old tean, but then he says the rhings to me that a man my age would say or think. Pretty amazing to have him in my life, but I can’t say it’s been easy. There is a lot he doesn’t understand about living here or life in general. Patience is a virtue!! Silence is platinum! Veey hard for me to do since I am a senior leader in my career. But I recognize thst God is in control and he put us together to help each other through what life we have left together. Besides all of our challenges, we are happy together. We are coming up on our 4th anniversary and going strong. Whether we raise eyebrows or not, who really cares? What matters is we are happy together. Age really doesn’t matter.
My husband is 20 years my junior, I have never been in a relationship like this no one ever loved me as purely and selflessly as my husband. I was on the edge knowing that other people will eventually know us as a married couple I lost weight over that., my fear was what would the outcome but you know what its been over a year we are still going strong and I am certain that the Lord has unified us for a reason.
My husband is 20 years my junior, Ii am 50 he is 30 I have never been in a relationship like this, he is the only person I have been who is older than. I I have been with with older men who treated me so badly. my husband is younger and better to me, no one ever loved me as purely and selflessly as my husband. I was on the edge knowing that other people will eventually know us as a married couple I lost weight over that., my fear was what would the outcome be? but you know what, it has been over a year we are still going strong and I am certain that the Lord has unified us for a reason.