This is the first post of many from new BMWK contributor Edward C. Lee. Please welcome him in the comments section.
By Edward C. Lee
The generally accepted definition of “Head of Household” as the IRS sees it is the person that earns more than half of the income in the household. I fully understand both the meaning and intention of the IRS’s designation and definition. However, as a husband and father don’t we want to be more than just the guy that makes the money. Of course there are plenty of heads of households that are women too. Whatever your gender, the Head of Household status carries with it, the weight of providing spiritually, emotionally, physically, and financially. The head should be the one leading in goal setting, planning and pouring into the lives of everyone in the household. But…How? Where is the time, the energy…
At 6 a.m. every morning I become “Dad” the hallway soccer player, golf partner, basketball instructor, all around jungle gym, book reader, and drummer. Blend in prayer time, words of encouragement, discipline, and it makes for quite a start to the day. This is all simultaneous with the equally important and time intensive role of being “Husband”.
Then I get to work, where I become counselor, speaker, manager, teacher, planner, etc, etc, etc…Which keeps me away from the home and my family until about 10 p.m. three to four times a week.
Surely, my daily itinerary is not any more intense than anyone else’s. But personally, it all works together to cause me to ask at least once a week, “How do I balance my ever colliding worlds, inside and outside of the home?” Am I spending enough quality time as father and husband while being everything else outside of the home? There are things that need to be accomplished, goals that need to be met and money to be made, so we can eat. But yet I ask, how does all of that “getting and accomplishing of stuff” play out with the development of my family?
I have come to realize that there are no cookie cutter answers or boiler plate solutions to finding a semblance of balance while leading the people you love. The way my dad led our household was awesome, and provides me with a good model of a head of household. But my dad and I are different people. My wife is not like my mother and my son is not exactly like my sister and I were (he does act a lot like me though). Sometimes my wife needs a push other times, a pull and other times I need to go in the opposite direction – LOL. I have found that knowing what everyone needs at the right time is what it means to be the head. In the past I would force the issue because of a book or some principles laid down by someone else.
So here are the two points of clarity that I have learned about being the Head of Household, thus far:
- Know your “people”. Learn them before, and continually, as you are trying to lead them.
- Spend time. Take time, save energy to pour into them. As parent and spouse each member of my family needs my time. I used to look at time spent as time away from xyz, but I have learned to see it as an investment. Take time to set goals, plan, and sometimes just be present. Both my wife and son have their own color on my calendar. I need to see as many yellow and red dots on the calendar as I see for meetings and stuff outside of the house.
So how about you BMWK family, what does it mean to be head of household for you? And equally as important what creative ways do you try to balance being the head and earning the bread?
Edward is an ordained minister, pastoral marriage counselor, and author of the first of its kind marriage book, Husbands, Wives, God: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage. To learn more about Edward and Husbands, Wives, God go to edwardclee.com or follow on facebook at Husbands,Wives,God.
Sounds so familiar, but I believe you have summed it up. How parallel is my personal situation. I had a great father who set the tone for my life, and I aim to do the same. I think the most challenging part is not allowing the rules of society to be the rules of your house. There is a constant shift as to the roles we all play in our house, and what responsibilities contistitutes being head of house. All in all it begins with vision. A MAN has to have a vision for himself first, and his family has to play a distinct role in his overall vision. Women tend to fall in a natural submissive position, not subservient, when the man has vision for himself, family and career. Not saying that the vision may get cloudy, or difficult, but it sets a tone for direction. And that’s what being the Head is to me.
@King – I agree, when the man is in place, everyone is in place. I call it an “irresistible order”. Men don’t have to demand and complain about respect when they are in their God given place – everybody in the house falls in line.
Great post Edward. There comes a lot of responsiblity with being head of the household, but that balance that you mentioned is crucial. I really like how you stated that you must know your people. How else can you provide for them if you don’t. And that comes from spending that time. We have to set priorities, that which is most important will always get the most time and attention. I thank God that my husband and I have a balance and agreement that works for our family.
I’ve observed plenty of fathers/husbands make more than half the income and be treated as nothing more than wallets or ATMs by their wives and children. How can someone so essential to someone else’s lifestyle be belittled in such a way? Like the organs of our body that are so vital to out health and well-being, the members of our families are equally as vital and should be treated accordingly. Great article.
I’ve observed plenty of fathers/husbands make more than half the income and be treated as nothing more than wallets or ATMs by their wives and children. How can someone so essential to someone else’s lifestyle be belittled in such a way? Like the organs of our body that are so vital to out health and well-being, the members of our families are equally as vital and should be treated accordingly. Great article.
Welcome to the site Edward!! We are so happy that you are a part of the BMWK family. Great post!! I totally agree…it so very important to make sure that you are present for your family. It is so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life….but when you look back on your day, are you able to say that you really spent quality time with your family.
All great points Edward. As you said knowing your people is important because everyone needs to be treated and motivated at times in different ways. What motivates you may not work for your spouse and what motivates on child may not work for the other.
Great article! Great follow-up comments. Particularly the points about A Man knowing his place and having vision proper vision in order to exist in his proper place as the covering for his wife and family. God has to be involved in this experience. Some (very few) are able to do this with no relationship with the Most High but more times than not that relationship must be in place for this dynamic to be truly realized and experienced.
Excellent article!!! I like what EPayne said…”God has to be involved.” I believe a man can lead better and be what he need to be to his family with God…..Blessings everyone..
Agreed!! Without God as the ultimate head things are a mess and getting worse by the minute. Thanks for your comments.
Welcome Edward!!! I wish I could give this to my husband without offending him!!! GREAT ARTICLE!!!!
What a great article! Welcome, Edward- I look forward to your future posts! I must share this!
No one will ever remember how great that report was, how much money youve made, what degrees youve earned or how many letters follow your name.
A child will forever remember that camping trip you took him/her on, building that fort in the back yard or those lazy days just laying in the hammock looking at clouds.
I wife will always remember you dropping everything at work to show up for no other reason than simply taking her out to lunch.
Every day, even ordinary days, is an opportunity to create memorable experiences in the lives of those will love.
Work/career, thought I enjoy them immensely, are just a means to fund great family experiences.
Welcome to BMWK, Edward – I really enjoyed this post, and recommended it to my husband to read as well. He is definately the personification of ‘Head of Household’ and I understand and sympathize with the balancing act you, he and men like you two have to handle. I see my role as helper – I want to support my husband in any way that I can, and he does the same. I have had to take on the role of Head of Household when he was deployed with the military, but always happily relinquished the role when he came home. It is a partnership – a loving one – and has helped us to keep our marriage alive, strong and loving for over 20 years now.
An awesome article!! A copy needs to be sent to every home in America!!!
WWOOOOWWW!!! Great topic, and EPAYNE, your reply is soooooo on target!! GOD HAS TO LEAD…
SIDE NOTE: There’s no better feeling than reading about what you brotha’s are feeling and thinking, and COMMUNICATING!!…LOL……hat’s off to all of you! sniff, sniff.
I totally agree with all your points. My pastor explained it best. The head of household, should be PRIEST, PROVIDER and PROTECTOR. When you have all the qualities lined up, everything else is put in place. As a wife, we also need to learn our roles as the neck supporting the head. Thanks for the post.
Hi, this is Stephanie from MysticArt Pictures – we are a casting and production company in Burbank. I’m writing because I’m casting a new family show, and I you might be a great resource. We are casting a docu-series called “Timeout” for a very major network and was hoping to tell you more about it. We are looking for couples who have at least 2 kids between the ages of 7-17, and where one parent feels they might be a workaholic. This show promises to be transformative and uplifting, giving parents the tools to maintain a healthy life/work balance.
I would be so appreciative if you could let subscribers of your website know about the opportunity, or if you can think of anybody you know personally who might fit the profile. I have attached our flyer with more information. Any email blasts or word of mouth would be so helpful. I’m happy to discuss the show in more detail if you have any questions or concerns.
Thanks again!
—
Stephanie Lewis
818.563.4131
TV CASTING: ATTENTION FAMILIES
Award Winning Company, Mystic Art Pictures is seeking Families who desperately need to reconnect for a New Ground Breaking Series! This is an opportunity to have your life changed and your family transformed!
****MUST HAVE MINIMUM OF 2 CHILDREN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 7-17
****MUST LIVE IN LOS ANGELES AREA!
If you answer, “YES†to any of the following questions, we would love to consider your family for our amazing new life-changing series.
-Are you a career woman who is also trying to balance your home life?
-Are you a parent whos torn between family and career?
-Are your kids complaining that you are never home?
-Are you worried that you are missing important events in your kids lives?
-Is your spouse working too much and leaving the parenting up to you?
-Kids, do you miss Mom or Dad because they are always working?
…We want to hear your story!
To have your family considered please email;
a FAMILY PHOTO, CONTACT INFO, & BREIF DETAILS ABOUT YOUR [email protected] or 818-563-4131
or visit http://www.mysticartpictures.com – to apply for “TIMEOUTâ€
Hi, this is Stephanie from MysticArt Pictures – we are a casting and production company in Burbank. I’m writing because I’m casting a new family show, and I you might be a great resource. We are casting a docu-series called “Timeout” for a very major network and was hoping to tell you more about it. We are looking for couples who have at least 2 kids between the ages of 7-17, and where one parent feels they might be a workaholic. This show promises to be transformative and uplifting, giving parents the tools to maintain a healthy life/work balance.
I would be so appreciative if you could let subscribers of your website know about the opportunity, or if you can think of anybody you know personally who might fit the profile. I have attached our flyer with more information. Any email blasts or word of mouth would be so helpful. I’m happy to discuss the show in more detail if you have any questions or concerns.
Thanks again!
—
Stephanie Lewis
818.563.4131
TV CASTING: ATTENTION FAMILIES
Award Winning Company, Mystic Art Pictures is seeking Families who desperately need to reconnect for a New Ground Breaking Series! This is an opportunity to have your life changed and your family transformed!
****MUST HAVE MINIMUM OF 2 CHILDREN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 7-17
****MUST LIVE IN LOS ANGELES AREA!
If you answer, “YES†to any of the following questions, we would love to consider your family for our amazing new life-changing series.
-Are you a career woman who is also trying to balance your home life?
-Are you a parent whos torn between family and career?
-Are your kids complaining that you are never home?
-Are you worried that you are missing important events in your kids lives?
-Is your spouse working too much and leaving the parenting up to you?
-Kids, do you miss Mom or Dad because they are always working?
…We want to hear your story!
To have your family considered please email;
a FAMILY PHOTO, CONTACT INFO, & BREIF DETAILS ABOUT YOUR [email protected] or 818-563-4131
or visit http://www.mysticartpictures.com – to apply for “TIMEOUTâ€
Those of us who live the marriage vows and stick with our communities are Martin Luther King’s legacy.