by A. Johnson
I was the queen of monogamy. Having only had two serious relationships (7 years and 6 years respectively) prior to meeting my husband, everyone I knew thought I had lost my mind when after only six months of knowing each other, I found myself at the Justice of the Peace pledging my life to a man I barely knew. Call it crazy, but it was love.
The thing about marriage vows is that when you say “for better or worse,” what none of your married friends tell you in advance is that “worse” can mean hell. In my case, six years into my marriage, hell presented itself as a neighbor knocking on my door with a three-week-old baby boy claiming it to be my husband’s son.
To be brief, all of the following immediately occurred: denial, anger, harsh words, separation, changed locks, grief and sorrow. To say I went to hell and back would be an understatement. What do we tell our daughter? Should I call a lawyer? Will I be financially responsible to this woman and her child? It was the worse time of my life.
Once DNA results confirmed that my husband was not the father of the child, I had to make some tough decisions. Although the baby wasn’t his, there was no denying the affair. My husband maintained the position of wanting to save our marriage throughout the entire ordeal. This is where God completely humbled me because I have always been one to proudly proclaim that if a man ever cheated on me, he was out the door! So why did I find myself missing my husband, thinking about keeping my family together, feeling that I wanted to uphold the vows that I took?
The decision to stay in my marriage, invite my husband back into our home and begin to move forward was not an easy one. I have lost friends and have seen the side glances of family members who have not agreed with my decision. While he and I remain in counseling working hard to fortify our marriage, building safeguards so that nothing like this ever happens again, I have also had to take a long hard look at myself. This experience has shown me that while I wear my Christianity on my sleeve, I do not forgive as Christ does. Avoiding the ditch of distrust, blame and unforgiveness are constant struggles for me.
It’s been almost a year since that knock on the door, and it takes daily prayer for me to not live in that moment. I’ve learned some very valuable lessons along this journey:
1. When divorce is not an option, you must lean on a power greater than your own. Pray for your marriage without ceasing.
2. Forgiveness means moving forward and not looking back. Constantly replaying the offense or throwing your partner’s mistakes in their faces, perpetually keeps you stuck in that place.
3. Create a haven where your mate feels safe sharing his or her thoughts/feelings/fears/struggles, without judgment, condemnation or rejection.
4. The opinions of well-wishing friends and family should have no place in your marital decision-making.
5. Communication is an important key to a successful marriage. Seeking counseling from a therapist, minister, or other professional is absolutely essential to building this and other tools.
My husband and I are on the road to rebuilding and I wholeheartedly believe that there can be healing after infidelity. The marriage you end up with may even be better than the one you had before.
A. Johnson, is a wife, mother, and law enforcement officer in the Washington, DC area. She is an aspiring freelance writer and author, who spends her time heavily involved in her community through her sorority and church community service activities.
Lawandaweldon says
real talk thanks for sharing
Kenyatrustyjohnson says
I wish you peace and love and I am impressed by your courage and strength. People are very qucik to say I will not accept a cheater, but when it is your husband most times the tables turn. Adultery is a mountain in itself, but what other sins are not. I think the basis that the 2 of you wanted to work on upholding your marriage is what matters. Sometimes it’s only 1 person fighting to keep it together. Please continue to do what you do to keep it together.
tmn says
I love point #4!!!! You made those vows to your spouse, not your family or your friends. Thank you for your candid reflection. I know this will bless others.
Thea D Parker says
I hate that so many women live in a fantasy that if a man cheats they will leave. Infidelity has been go on since before Jesus walked the earth. Women think they are sooo special that they can’t accept a man who has made a mistake of infidelity so they choose to be alone and complain about men when the issue is themselves.
Chosendestiny07 says
What you said was interesting, is it fantasy to think that infidelity is a deal breaker? I dont agree with that at all as a woman, if I vow to be monogamous with my husband, its very much so real the vow that is expected of him. Just because its been going on since Jesus doesn’t make it right does it? In some cases the women that are alone may be hung up on themselves but its not an excuse for infidelity, it doesnt just happen like spilled milk, infidelity is choosing to engage in acts, willingly, knowingly and only when one is caught are they ashamed….
sugamama says
TOTALLY AGREE! I expect no more from my mate than I expect of myself. Oh, it’s okay that it’s been going on since before Christ? So that makes it okay? What a delirious statement! Where’s our self worth? Or better yet, where is HER self worth? I value myself way too much to subject myself to something just because, it’s the “NORM”. I’m glad my parents taught me to value myself more and to know and understand how much I’m worth. I thank God everyday for my father, who showed me how a man treats a woman. If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.
sugamama says
When someone, shows you who they are, believe them. Kobe? Case in point. No, that ring didn’t keep him out of the streets, did it? I knew he was going to cheat again from jump. A ring is only to shut the wife up, or part of the “honeymoon” period. Now, look at them. . . .getting a divorce. Some men may not cheat again after the first time, but I’m not waiting around to test that theory.
sugamama says
Sorry, but I can’t accept a man who cheats. If I can hold onto my vows, what makes HIM so special? Once a cheater, always a cheater. Please believe, I’ve been through it, and it’s hard as hell, ESPECIALLY when the woman did get pregnant and we have no kids of our own and I would have to deal with that for the rest of my life with him. So, YES, I’m so glad I got out when I did, and now I am in a more fulfilling, loving relationship with somenone who I can trust fully, and completely. I made the best decision for me, and I have never regretted it since. I think we as women, accept so much from a man, without reciprocity. Yes, they say they will never do it again, but they also said they pledge their fidelity to you at the wedding. Sorry, you can hate on me for this one, but I will not settle when it comes to infidelity. And I’m so glad that I didnt’ settle in my case. Everyone is different, and I respect that, so if a woman wants to continue her relationship/marriage after infidelity, then God bless her, but that’s an absolute deal breaker for me. Period.
sugamama says
And another comment: This has nothing to do with women being so SPECIAL. It’s about my morals, my belief system and my value system. And quite frankly, I am special, all women are special, yes I’m soooo special because I’d rather live happily alone, than to be in a miserable relationship. I’m special enough not to tolerate infidelity, alcoholism, abuse, and any other baggage that I feel is not worth me competing with. Like I said before, God bless the woman who is willing to forgo her happiness to save her marriage. If she feels he’s worth it, then by all means, go for it. But, as for me, unhappiness is not an option.
Winnie says
Amen sister!
Winnie says
since when was being alone and happy a problem? one can what standards you set for yourself. my father cheated my mom left him, we are better off and she is much much happier with my step dad! No self respecting person will take that crap!
Sasha says
There’s a difference between one mistake and constantly cheating on your wife, then its not a mistake its a choice
Monaj11 says
I know how you are feeling… My thought was if Christ could forgive him than with faith and prayer so could I. 1- has been a stro g point for me…. I must admit 2 took me a minute but it is so true… Thank you for this insightful real talk article…
Mrsnina78 says
Loved this article. I pray your marriage is better than before. I am a witness to God’s faithfulness!
Oneboobee says
I enjoyed your article. I went through the same thing in my marriage, and tried to forgive my husband and make it work after he cheated, prayed and prayed, but my husband cheated again and again all the while sitting up in church. So I can say that sometimes it is best to walk away, but only after giving it to God and letting Him show you what to do.
Mizznini says
You have no idea how much I needed this. I had to chuckle when you said “if he ever cheated, he is out the door.” My phrase was “I’m gone!” Well, I was humbled too. #2 is what I’m working on and it has been tough. I knew for a lil over a month (intuition) but everything came out in the open Nov. 16 (I found text of them both declaring love) the day before. Prayer warriors, pray for me as I try to heal my heart, mind and marriage.
Estacy says
Awesome testimony! May GOD continue to heal and restore your marriage. The decision to stay is not an easy one but through counseling, communication and prayer it can work.
Deaconessa says
I like the point “Divorce is not an option” with this in mind it seals the commitment to your marriage and to God. Very well said and written. Thanks for sharing your experience. I know exactly how you feel.
Anna Mae says
I applaud you for sharing your story, that’s not an easy thing to do. I almost want to share mine, but it’s WAY more complicated and crazy lol! Good luck and God Bless your marriage and family 🙂
Lady A. says
Ms. C. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article. I am presently in the same situation. Having separated several times, finding out about the affair, I realize now where all the crazines came from. We are trying to salvage the marriage. Unlike your story, the baby was his. Thank you for the real words. It seems that all the articles I read in this arena skirt around the real feelings and the real emotions. Maybe it is because these people writing the articles have not experienced this. This article has encouraged my heart. #2,#3,#4,#5 all match my emotions and feelings right now. Those of us who have experienced infidelity in our marriage and want to stay are not crazy. I know God is a healer, I believe Him and not the man. If I did not believe that I had something to work with, I would divorce. To God be the Glory, not man or woman, but God!
Thank you.
Lady A.
Ann says
A woman’s ( intuition) had not seen it fail yet, eventually will will show up and come out to be true. That is a hard pill to swallow. It takes prayer to work that out because that is a hard wound to heal.
SLJ says
Thank you for sharing. This is something many couples deal with and do not talk about.
Rannettas says
@ Chosendestiny..I totally agree.. men will be quite comfortably during the affair for years until they have been caught,, so I ask during the time of the affair wasn’t he thinking of his partner and what could happen if he was caught and is it worth the risk.
Ready4_31 says
Great article with a lot of insight. Now I have to ask, if the baby was your husband would you have stayed? Now while I can forgive the infidelity to an extent, I cannot not say I can accept another child. There are a lot of responsibilities that along with that child and the child and baby mama will always be a constant reminder of the affair. I also used to say if my husband cheated I was gone but that didn’t happen. And to be honest, our relationship is stronger now than it was before. So, would a child added to the equation change your mind?????
PatriciaW says
Prayers for you and your family. Your decisions were not easy, even turning your situation over to God. (We say that a lot but when the rubber meets the road…) Glad that you did what was right for you and yours. Thank you for sharing with and reminding the rest of us.
SB says
@ D Parker so y is it a problem when its done by a woman? men cant forgive and wont ever forget
Chuck Williams says
i did
Daphinemontgomery29 says
Thanks!
Nia Morris says
thanks for sharing
Mrs Kimberly Goodall says
I really needed to hear this, it’s not what you went through or going through, it’s about can you prevail the obstacles in your marriage,and not run to the nearest exit..marriages is worth fighting for..
guest says
I had a similar experience and most of my family was horrified at my decision to try and work things out, but i prayed about it so hard and i knew for sure God was telling me to stay but it was still hard to have to tell my family “i have to do what God says i should, regardless of what your opinion is.” I had to learn that God’s opinion is the only one that matters, i still get the side eye from a lot of people and i can see them whispering but i have to do what i have to, they have to do what they have to.
Winnie says
Its a fairy tail to believe that things will be ok after you take him back after he spread his seed in another woman’s vagina, i wonder if he would take you back! People that take back cheaters are stupid! and its mostly women! Most men wont take such crap! I hope you went for std tests!
caroline ombande says
i forgave my husband the first time he cheated! i prayed and found a wsy to trust him again! i stuck by him as he went through his residency and fellowship program! while at fellowship program in another state, i found out the affair with the same lady is continuing! i was devastated beyond repair! i tried to forgive and work out things but he denied the affair and did not want to talk about it! a slap on my face! shock came when he finished fellowship program, never came home to our two boys but moved to another state with that woman! it had been a down spiral road for me! at times i felt like God had forgotten me!
i went on prayer war, regained my strength to move on, he filed for divorce, does not talk to me or come see the boys!
at this point, whete does forgiveness come in? how do i reconcile this situation? i pray alot, am single, strong with dignity and peace! i leave the rest to God to fight my war! very devastated!
caroline
jm says
I forgave her….so I thought I had after seeing her exiting a motel room with some guy, after being away from home for a while I asked her to come back home with the boys so we could work on our marriage and our family bond and structure. I soon discoverd shortly after her return that she continued to communicate with this guy and when confronted, she swore there was no more intimate touch happening. I just could not trust her words anymore, so after much soulsearching I left. I currently strugge with this situation daily for it is very recent and it baffles my mind daily. I pray that peace continues in your life and I find it in mine. Thank you for sharing.
Sasha says
When you go thru this same type of scenario but your husband wants a divorce as if you’ve done something wrong, it makes it harder to forgive and heal
Sasha says
Sugamama Thank You! I’m learning that now. I’m learning my self worth and that God will be my husband! Thea Parker made a comment about mistakes but honey after so many times its no longer a mistake its a choice. My husband has been having an affair for over a year. And everytime they get into it he wants to come home. But once he’s told that requies counselling, letting the gf go and commitment, he no longer wants to work it out. What he wants is to have a good wife at home and a gf on the side. Thats not what God created marriage or women for. He did not make me to be cheated on, lied to, or walked over. So don’t be so quick to talk about how women can’t forgive a mistake when far too mamy men want to have cake, icre cream and cookies too.
Denise says
I think the key truly appreciating this article is the fact that she is talking about her marriage and honoring her marriage vows – not just a dating relationship. Before I was married, this was absolutely a deal-breaker for me for a relationship. But I have learned that it is different when you marry someone, have built a home and a family together, you have vowed to God to stay together until death parts you. And especially as a Christian, even though the only Biblical basis for divorce is infidelity, the Bible doesn’t instruct that a mate MUST divorce their cheating spouse, but that they may without dishonoring their vow to God. And considering what Jesus suffered on our behalf puts it into perspective. My mother-in-law went through this and her husband had a daughter with the woman. My MIL was fine with the girl coming over for visits throughout her life (she is now about 21 yrs old) recognizing that she needed a relationship with her father. They have remained HAPPILY married – but not without a lot of work, therapy, and not without it getting worse before it got better. Watching her and how she has handled it has not only made me respect her tremendously, but forced me (as a Christian) to really meditate on what “for better or worse” really means. It is so true that a marriage needs a 3-fold cord and God has to be that 3rd cord or a marriage could never survive the “worse” parts. Sometimes leaving is the easy way out, and just because you can doesn’t necessarily mean that you should. I applaud the author for doing what was best for her and for the sound advice to others.
Superwife says
What I find incredible is everyone overlooks the fact that a person who truly loves you does not cheat on you…period. Infidelity is born of selfishness and creates wounds that may never heal. Why are women expected to accept this behavior and want other women to agree with this insanity. I do not see one post from a man who said my wife came home with another man’s child and we agreed to work it out. Women have been conditioned to believe that living in hell with a broken, unfaithful, piece of a man, is always better than being alone. Sad really.
TheMarriageTips says
It is definitely hard to find somebody who understands what
they’re writing, although it seems that you do really know
what you happen to be talking about, thank you!
highest vertical leap says
The NCAA has set out a rule that college basketball players
have until 12 AM April 25 to decide whether they want
to stay in school for another year or make the jump to the professional ranks.
Whether you are a fan for Kobe or James, whether you like The Spurs or The Celtics,
you can find THE ONE. Players will receive one of the top educations in the country,
be part of one of the 5 biggest schools in the country,
and live in one of the best growing cities in the country.
amarres de amor caseros faciles y efectivos says
No deje pasar su oportunidad de localizar la dicha.
Lo espero, no me falle.
zach lavine nba summer league says
It is no longer sufficient to be a good player with your
high school team. I believe, and it has been shown time and time again, that any athlete with even moderate fitness ability can achieve
a vertical jump of 40″+ through hard work, focus, and proper training. That question seemed to bewilder her, so I asked clerks in other stores and those who were not stunned by this question told me that there was no such thing as an American made basketball shoe, with the possible exception of Chuck Taylors.
best jogging stroller for gravel roads says
Standard baby pushchairs can weigh from 12 to 24 pounds besides the aluminum frame.
They collapse conveniently and may be carried under one arm.
Amazon is a great place to read reviews because you
will find honest reviews there.
doulci activation codes says
Bypass activation iCloud lock instrument at the instantaneous close
by free of charge Activator obtain DoulCi.
1285 muscle says
This article is really a nice one it assists new web users,
who are wishing for blogging.
18002payday says
You are so awesome! I do not suppose I’ve read a single
thing like this before. So good to discover another person with a few unique thoughts on this subject matter.
Really.. many thanks for starting this up. This web site
is something that is needed on the internet,
someone with a little originality!
CLeanse Body Pro Supplement says
Thanks for finally talking about > Healing After Infidelity | BlackandMarriedWithKids.com < Liked it!
10 caterers in chennai|best caterers chennai|caterers in chennai|non veg caterers in chennai|mamta caterers chennai|best caterers in chennai|ss caterers chennai|best wedding caterers in chennai|list of caterers in chennai|birthday party caterers in chenna says
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about meta_keyword. Regards|