by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Last week my husband and I were having a discussion about how our lives had changed since being married and having children.
It’s obvious how the children can change us. From the physical change of the body, to energy, time management on down to the level of patience and grossness we have experienced (i.e. poop, vomit, spit up). But how has marriage changed us? I thought back to the person I was before marriage and that visit down memory lane brought me to the realization that being married has changed me for the better. I want to clarify, it’s not just the marriage, but it is the man I married. Now I do take into account that I was younger but in addition to the aging wisdom I received my union has also contributed to my personal growth.
First, my marriage taught me that it’s not always about me. My being married to a man who knows how to truly love a woman has given me a life lesson in giving and loving unconditionally. When you have a mate that caters to you, it’s sometimes easy to forget to cater to them as well. And I am grateful that I got that sooner rather than later.
Second is accountability. Before I was married, I struggled with taking full responsibility for my actions. There was always a reason or an excuse as to why I did or said something. It was so much easier to help others see the error in their ways than having the ability (or willingness) to see my own.
Next for me was being committed to the commitment. Because marriage is the ultimate commitment, I knew it had to be handled differently than the way I handled the relationship before we said “I do.” My relationship makes me try harder. Since neither of us will be walking away, we both know we have to do whatever it takes to keep our marriage alive and well.
Finally, marriage allowed me to pursue my dreams. Not that my parents weren’t supportive because they truly were. But my partnership with my husband has given me a support that inspires me. My husband has expectations of me, which I didn’t have for myself in the beginning. He expects great things out of me and I of him.
I know in every marriage there had to be some change and hopefully growth. We don’t go into our marriages already knowing everything. There are things we have to learn along the way. I remember a line from the movie The Best Man, in which Morris Chestnut’s character proclaimed that marriage would curb his appetite for other women. I am not sure that marriage can actually do that, or that you would get married for that reason, but I have experienced the positive changes that it will bring.
BMWK, how did marriage change you?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
JamalFrederick says
I really appreciate this post. Im taken back by it. I have honestly have been at the point where I feel Ive never heard a Black woman talk like this. I commend you and above all I am just happy that you have been open the way you are to actually consider the other person and to be open to someone else influencing you and pushing you in good ways. Im not happy on some “yeah, yo
u listened to a man†type nonsense, but that you are open in general to others and to reflect on yourself. I applaud you and your husband, you two seem like you got it. Over the past couple of years my ideas of love, marriage/relationships have changed drastically and its good to see a good one.
Dedra says
This was a thoughtful and thought provoking. My marriage made me realize that I am not the center of the universe when it comes to relationships. It has taught me patience and the true meaning of sacrifice. It has challenged me in my way of thinking and it has made me lean on God more. It has also given me the opportunity to explore me. Having a husband has allowed me to go back to school and finish my B.A. & M.P.A. If I didn’t have him to encourage me and be there for me when I wanted to give up and work two jobs so that I could stay home with our children and focus on school. Marriage has changed me in many different ways and they have all been for the better. I wouldn’t be the women I am, if he weren’t the man he is.
JamalFrederick says
This is just absolutely incredible! I have never heard stories like these before. I guess this kind of love does exist. I’m glad that you have had a great experience like this where both of you guys really work together. I’m glad to hear that your husband is the way he is. This is a great example. Your last sentence…I’ve never heard anything like it. I just found this site and I’m already seeing that this may help me see things the way I used to. I appreciate you sharing this story and congratulations to you two on this great marriage and all of your success, much more to you!
Tiya says
Jamal, I truly appreciate your comment. Thank you!
Tiya says
Dedra, I love i!!! Thanks for sharing.
LaTanya says
Being married has changed me in soooo many ways,I learned what it means to share.I know it sounds simple and childish but,when your the oldest of three there is not a whole lot of need to share after all I’m the oldest right? Wrong I had to learn it all over again,I learned to listen and realize that there was more than one way to come to a solution.It also was ok for someone else to take the lead.I also found out what it means to become one flesh and it’s been 19 years in the making and I would not have changed a thing .
Ayizemaat says
This was an excellent post Tia. As I reflect on my marriage I can acknowledge that it’s changed me in several ways. Marriage has infused me with a sense of purpose and connection with a greater cause. Because of marriage i now know that life is about more than just me. Marriage has shown me that relationships “run the world”. I’ve learned that it’s not necessary to always be “tight lipped” and that growth can come from vulnerability. Marriage has shown me that sex isn’t solely about my satisfaction. Because of marriage…i now think about LEGACY.
Tiya says
Thanks LaTanya, yes that listening is also something I had to learned. It almost sounds like I was pretty jacked up before marriage lol.
Tiya says
Thanks Ayize. Well said.
KenS says
Marriage helped me grow up!! Though I’m still growing out of my selfish ways (it’s an ongoing process), I constantly consider the well being of my spouse ahead of my own.
London Wedding Photographer says
This is a great post. Thanks for sharing :O)
CoaCoaKure says
@ Dedra…love that last sentence “I wouldn’t be the woman I am if he weren’t the man he is”!!! WOW!!! So profound. So many don’t realize that your spouse is an extension of you….one flesh!
Harriet Hairston says
Marriage definitely humbled me. It also taught me how to stand my ground when I normally would bend to the negative will of another. It also made me realize what a serious value giving birth to the future (having a baby) is in the eyes of God. It taught me how to fight for what really matters, and choose my battles wisely.
Allison says
So feeling your post Harriet! Could not have spoken it any better. After almost 17 years, I have had the very same experiences that you speak of here. Beautifully said.
Robinson says
This post has truly gave me some food for thought. My husband and I are currently separated and it’s been one of the hardest transitions in my life. I’m forced to learn things about myself that I really don’t like. Yet it is molding me hopefully into the woman & wife I need to be. I’m not sure what the future holds & I continue to ask God to show me, but I appreciate your transparency it truly gave me some insight.
Misselite79 says
I think the most important thing I took away from you post was that you married man that knows how to treat a woman in your eyes. What is good for one may not be good for another,so there is no true blueprint, but he makes you feel as though your what’s most important to him. I think that allows you to be as open as you are and reflect on what you need to do to be the same thing for him that he is for you.
You also made a point about being committed to the commitment. I assumed that would just happen for my spouse after we got married, that no work was necessary and if it was right it would be easy. I have learned that my ideas of marriage automatically tuning us into eachother is wrong. Your post is a wonderful note on making sure you hold self acountable for being committed.
Tiya says
Thank you Robinson and I will be praying for your marriage. It is not a bad thing to uncover certain things about ourselves, especially those which we aren’t most proud of. That allows us to grow, once we are honest. Thanks for sharing!
Tiya says
Thank you Misselite for your comment, I will be praying for your marriage. And marriage does require work the majority of the time, but when there is true love there, it does feel easy and you don’t mind the work. But yes, we must be committed (both partners) well said.