By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Sadly, as my circle of married friends shrinks my frustration grows. BMWK family, I have been with you long enough and I feel comfortable enough with you to vent. What I am most disturbed about the dissolution of my friends’ marriages is the reasoning behind the decision.
Infidelity and abuse (physical, emotional or substance) I get. Even with therapy and counseling some of those relationships are difficult to save. But those couples who state they are divorcing because they have outgrown each other puzzle me. How does one outgrow a person at one point they didn’t think they could live without? I keep wondering what changes in the relationship or for that matter what lack of change in the person makes divorce the only choice.
How does a couple get there? How does a marriage become vulnerable to the possibility of outgrowing? Who had to drop the ball or which one put their guard down and left their marriage open? I applaud those individuals who were willing to fight for their marriage no matter the end result. I recognize that one partner can’t save the relationship alone. People change, yes I know, but they don’t change overnight. This gives us the opportunity to catch our marriage before it falls.
Today it seems too easy to walk away. In my opinion many of these reasons are simply selfish. Are children considered? What about the vows, the promises made before God? Don’t they mean anything? Are we really okay with being added to the statistic? Another black family torn breaks my heart. And when asked why the divorce, is “outgrowing each other” an explanation one could really justify?
I know it’s easy to say it will never happen in my marriage and I honestly won’t use the word never, but my job is preventing it. Here’s my plan:
- Praying God will watch over our marriage and that my husband and I will pray together and put God first.
- My husband and I will continue to share, learn from each other and protect our friendship. We can do this by communicating and always being honest about what we want and what we feel.
- We will work at not losing our patience with one another. By continuing to respect each other we will use words of love only.
- We must be solution focused. I won’t just complain. Where I feel the relationship could improve I am going to offer solutions and put in the work.
- Simply put, we are going to try harder! My family is my world, why wouldn’t I do everything in my power to protect it.
- We will not walk away. In my house it isn’t up for discussion. My husband better be happy with his choice because I am not going anywhere!
- We have to kick our egos to the curb. We both know it is not just about one person in our marriage, it is about US.
I will step down from my soapbox for now. While I recognize this post is too late for those friends that split, I do hope it reaches those who are on the verge of calling it quits. If you would lend me your ear, I beg you to consider what you have to lose. Ask yourselves how you got here and more importantly how you get back.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
TB says
I find this article very interesting because my husband and I have grown apart. We are not on the same page or the same chapter. By no means are we going to split. We are committed to the marriage no matter what. I do my best to accept and honor his vision for our family. I have put my dreams aside so that I can adopt his. This is hard for me but if this is what I have to do for my marriage and family it is what I will do. He is always telling me we are one. And in his eyes that means we have the same dreams, goals, and visions. So every day I learn to let go more of “me” and accept the “we”. I ask myself all the time how did we get here and I realized that it started to happen when I began to let go of who I was to be who he needed and wanted me to be. So I was no longer the woman he dated or even married and he was no longer the same man I fell in love with who supported me in the quest of the woman I wanted to become. Life and its challenges changes things and people. Some grow closer and stronger in their bond while others just grow apart. The test is how you deal with it.
T. Rogers says
Just out of curiosity. Does your husband feel the same way? Does he feel like he has let go of himself as well? I don’t ask to troll. I am just wondering. You mentioned him not supporting you in your quest to become the woman you wanted to become. Did (or does) he have any quest to be a different man? If he is not the man you dated what changed him? Maybe looking at those questions can help if you have not already done so. I hope you two can work things out.
T. Rogers says
Just out of curiosity. Does your husband feel the same way? Does he feel like he has let go of himself as well? I don’t ask to troll. I am just wondering. You mentioned him not supporting you in your quest to become the woman you wanted to become. Did (or does) he have any quest to be a different man? If he is not the man you dated what changed him? Maybe looking at those questions can help if you have not already done so. I hope you two can work things out.
Tiya says
TB, thanks for your comment. If you don’t mind a few questions came to mind as I read your comment.
1. Were you and your husband ever on the same page? If so, who got off the page first and why?
2. Is your husband aware of your dreams and desires? If not, when will you share them with him?
3. Did your husband ever ask you to put your vision on hold and roll with his or was that your choice?
Your husband is right, you are one, the two shall become one, meaning two separate people merging their lives, not disposing of one and keeping the other. Which to me means both compromise. I don’t think (and strongly urge against one partner totally giving and losing him/herself) that just doesn’t make for a healthy marriage, besides the regret that comes with that, resentment will also follow. Be true to yourself and honest with your husband. Tell him what you want and together you can create a family vision that includes you both.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Tiya – after I read TB’s comments, I actually had to pray about how I wanted to comment. But you said it all in your response. Please work on communicating with your husband about how you feel. And please work on finding happiness within yourself..no matter how hard it will be to find the time to do things for yourself..you have to start.
When you are happy…it will make you a better person…a better spouse..a better mother.
Tiya says
Well said Ronnie!
mochazina says
She sure did!
Eloquence Inc says
You should have turned down the proposal because this sounds like you were not the woman for him from start and he was not the man for you else you would not have to cancel your needs and wants to be who he wants you to be…when he proposed you should already have been the woman he wanted. Unless you were presenting a front and then have grown tired of maintaining it to keep him.
Women, it’s okay to say no to a marriage proposal if either 1. that is not the man for you and you know it or 2. he’s not exactly what you want and you are not capable of making an oath AND STICKING TO IT.
This is the “worse” part of “for better or worse”…people get some counseling and put your heart into it, take a vacation together and have some sex on the beach or something, SOMETHING, don’t let your marriage get burdened down and full of less than fun things that MUST be done. You should be enjoying the same things you enjoyed when you were a couple/engaged…just from the same address now. Don’t let familiarity breed contempt, happiness does not fall in your lap day after day, year after year, you have to step up and TAKE it!
CD says
My wife and I went through a rough period where I thought we outgrew each other. Arguing daily, not spending time together, and worst of all we stopped praying for each other. We came to a cross roads when an ex-girlfriend resurfaced and she wanted to “see how I was doing”. There are spirits in this world that would love to see the demise of what GOD has placed together. Well we talked it out and my wife was feeling as if she gave up who she was to support the needs of the kids and I, she felt incomplete. She had a desire to finish school and have her own career. We agreed that once I completed graduate school, she could be a full time student. I gave her the space to study and she earned her degree. In the process, my relationship with my children grew stronger, although we were good before. I completely took over the cooking, cleaning, checking homework, and sole income because I wanted my wife to focus on her personal goal. This worked out beautifully because I have an educated wife who does not feel that my educational accomplishments outshined hers and she is back to normal. I also feel accomplished because I became everything to my children and it felt good to know that I can do the little things that mommy did and I even learned to comb and style hair. Over all the family is better for that sacrifice. I pray that you two can reach the same compromise, it will not happen until you are ready for it.
Eloquence Inc says
Now THAT’S what I’m talking about great job CD to you and your wife! May more have the strength to take the fight, not flight response to a crisis!
Redcomet says
This article is right on time for me. I am engaged and set to be married soon. I love my fiance’ very much however there are times when I feel we have outgrown eachother. Sometimes I am unsure of this is because of the overwhelming pressure the thought of marriage and forever brings with it or if it is attributable to the possibility of having outgrown eachother. Thoughts?
Tiya says
Redcomet, the great thing about your situation is that it is still early enough to resolve. I am curious as to what those “times” are when you feel you have outgrown each other, it doesn’t sound like it is a constant feeling. If there are certain situations that cause this feeling, this is something that should be addressed and discussed now before marriage. In order to start a marriage off right we have to be completely honest about the good, bad and the ugly. We can’t pretend it doesn’t exist or that it will magically disappear. Having a true heart to heart with your spouse-to-be is a great place to begin. You want to share what you observe and ask what they’ve observed and how you can deal with it moving forward.
Blackfamilyman says
Well-written and very solution-based. Thank you. My wife and I counted 17 couples that we know that were breaking up in 2010. 17!!! As alarming as it is, out-growing each other is very real and often happens when one person is hesitant to change or put in the necessary effort to thrive. Folks, we need to realize that divorce hurts our children, blessings and bank accounts. We are stronger together!!!
Tiya says
Thank you. 17! Ouch! I totally agree we are stronger together! When one person is hesistant to change, I often wonder is a conversation being had. Does the spouse know that we are expecting them to change, even though we chose to marry them as they were. I wonder how really fair that is for some to just expect that change.
Jai says
“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction†Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Browni673 says
Geesh. This hits home. Great points. I always feel like I’m doing the talking so I just dont know what to do. My mom says everything happened so fast. Married 12/09, baby 12/10 and we both had children from previous relationships and boy it’s been hard. Sometimes so hard I dont say anything. I have said we need to put our egoaside …Saying it and doing it well let’s just say sit’s not easy.
Tiya says
Browni673, I agree it is easier said than done. You have to decide what you are willing to do, sacrifice, give, say (differently) for the sake of your marriage and ask your spouse the same question. We have to be willing to deny self sometimes to save our union. Are you ready for that type of commitment?
Rubygriffin36 says
Couples outgrow one another from getting to comfortable with each other in their relationship or even their marriage,that they take each other for granted,that they put their friendship,and what important,that cement their marriage together in the beginning on the backburner…For instance forgetting the small thing,that y’all have outgrow from one another,just talk and listen to each other,reminisce about the good of day…Y’all haven’t outgrow one another,y’all just have to light the flame back…by taking tiny step getting to know each other all over again…
Tiya says
Totally agree!
Lovelifemore says
I feel my husband and I have outgrown each other our outlook on life is different. I was fine to him when we were running the streets partying and now that life needs to be more about logical choices and decisions that will bring more security in our family it seems as though his first reaction is to run! I am tired and I do’t know if I want to continue on for the rest of my life this way.
Tiya says
Lovelifemore, being a grown-up is scary! I am not sure how you divide your family responsibility among the two of you, but it sounds like your husband could be overwhelmed with his share. Knowing his strengths and having a conversation with him about them will help discover where he could best make those logical choices and decisions. You also have to be willing to trust the decisions he does make. Sometimes a spouse can shy away from certain things if they sense their partner doesn’t support or believe in them. I pray that things turn around. Be willing to do your part.
Eloquence Inc says
Yes but why does growing up involve what sounds like you forgetting to have fun? Marriages should be the most exciting times of our lives, not the most boring. Women seem to think all their sex appeal and exciting ways are free to go out the door once the ring is on and children in the pictures. Be the woman he married. Your marriage is not not meant to bore him to death just to appear grown up and mature. No he can’t club twice a week if there are other things to take care of but if he’s going to spring for a babysitter (if you have kids) and take you out every weekend, hey, be glad you’re not the wife whose husband would rather be seen out and about WITHOUT her! Women tend to think just the title of wife is suppose to keep the man feeling on top of the world…it’s work every day don’t let a lazy day turn into an entire lazy relationship, take a deep breath and remember you are a wife but still a WOMAN and it’s the women with interesting social lives that attract men, not the homebound doormats. Which by NO means is saying one must be out all the time to be interesting…but another thing to note, an active lifestyle keeps you from blowing up, and we know men don’t like to marry a woman and wake up 10 years later to a stranger who is 50 pounds heavier (if he himself stays in decent shape).
mochazina says
Marriage isn’t about forgetting to have fun, but redefining “fun” that is supportive of the marriage relationship. 😉
Lovelifemore, have some conversations with your hubby about other things to do besides clubbing. Clubbing can remain, but expand your horizons to include other things as well that you both can enjoy.
mochazina says
Marriage isn’t about forgetting to have fun, but redefining “fun” that is supportive of the marriage relationship. 😉
Lovelifemore, have some conversations with your hubby about other things to do besides clubbing. Clubbing can remain, but expand your horizons to include other things as well that you both can enjoy.
Jeromethornton says
I think this is good dialouge everyone! Not wanting to give up on love an family!
Hugh Roberts says
Good morning Tiya. I welcome the advice in your column. I believe that constant communication and maintaining your friendship with one’s spouse/partner are keys to a successful relationship in the long term. People must not lose sight of or stop doing the things that gave life to their relationship. I agree with you fully that work, commitment to what you have and mutual love for each other can help people overcome the difficult periods of their relationship. Thanks for the words of advice.
Tiya says
Thank you!
tareniac says
Great article Tiya!! I am also saddened by couples who call it quits for reasons that just don’t make sense. My husband and I wonder where is the “Stick To It” mentality. I mean we know couples who put more time into getting a degree than they put into their marriage. If you can give 7-10 years to a university and then another 10 years to pay student loans, surely you can give the person you gave your last name to and vowed to be with a longer commitment than a degree. My husband and I started Marry Me 4 Life because we want couples and those contemplating marriage to remember that this commitment is 4 life. Let’s commit to do life together and when life gets hard, and it will, we are to find solutions, tools, counseling, prayers, and accountability to encourage us to move beyond the breakdowns so that we don’t break up. If we can find solutions to keep our cars running, computers humming, and our bodies moving, surely we can keep loving in our marriages.
Tiya says
Thank you. I would love to learn more about Marry Me 4 Life. I love that!
Tiya says
Thank you. I would love to learn more about Marry Me 4 Life. I love that!
Tarus1976 says
Well I would definatly have to agree with this author. Why do we agree for better and worse. Then split on something like ” I feel like I have outgrown you.” That’s whats wrong with society we react 85% to 90% on our feelings. The other 10% to 15% based on obligation of what must be done in order to live. Tarus
Anonymous says
Tiya, who could disagree that couples do indeed grow apart? As you said, you have friends splitting up – as we all do. However, I would disagree with the premise that they are growing apart from each other. Really they are growing apart from God. Check out their spiritual walk and you will see where they are growing apart. Not just going to church, but relationship with God. After all God said that who He joins together, no man can separate. When God gave Eve to Adam,Adam was not receiving what he requested, but what God deemed that Adam needed. If your spouse was a gift from God whe you married them, then they will be s gift from God after 30 years too. It is we who grow apart because of how we continue to grow spiritually.
Good thought provoking post!
Tiya says
Edward, I couldn’t agree more, that is exactly what’s happening.
mochazina says
People don’t grow apart so much so as they fail to grow into the marriage. Marriage is about maturity & compromise WITH each other. If only one person is compromising (or even worse, neither is compromising), then there is a lack of maturity in the relationship. HONEST communication is the key! Share & validate the others’ feelings & hopes & dreams, then work together to make a life together accommodating those things.
mochazina says
People don’t grow apart so much so as they fail to grow into the marriage. Marriage is about maturity & compromise WITH each other. If only one person is compromising (or even worse, neither is compromising), then there is a lack of maturity in the relationship. HONEST communication is the key! Share & validate the others’ feelings & hopes & dreams, then work together to make a life together accommodating those things.
T. Rogers says
Perfect summary.
Anonymous says
As a woman in a relationship and not yet married, I have seen 2 of my married friends grow apart from their mates. But one thing I saw in their relationship was that there was a serious lack of communication on both sides. Both parties didn’t tell the other how they felt, what bothered them and in one instance the mate just didn’t care and said hurtful things. So as a single woman, I have taken lessons from their mistakes, so I don’t make those same mistakes in my relationship.
Reggie Williams says
Folks fall in love and then eventually they grow apart. I would submit that most – not all – have ever been truly together. Most people marriage representative and representatives of what they believe marriage to be and when the realities show up front and center they want to jump ship. Immaturity really rears its ugly head in marriage.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Lfreeman0983 says
I would also like to point out that many people marry “the representative” and sometimes that person can stay around for quite some time. When the “real” person surfaces after the honey moon, after the first unpaid bill, after the first big fight, after the kids, after the pitfalls, after the setbacks..that is when people begin to ask the question: “how did I get here.”
FirstladyShonda says
What an awesome article! I love the list and it look very familar to the values that I hold dear in our marriage. Marriage has to nurtured just like raising a kid. Same way you are not suppose to neglect your child, you shouldn’t neglect your marriage or it will fall apart.
Rayeco says
This is a great article. I believed that I was outgrowing my spouse. If fact, it was true. I often relflected on what I have given up and continue to give up. My love for my husband and the values I am teaching our children are way more important than my personal dreams and goals. It took me a long time to understand our differences. Now that I know my husband better and realize that his challenges are my areas of strength and the skills I have to empower others are he skills needed to love a man who has not experienced love. I cannot go into details, but mys skills improves my husband’s abilities. I say all that to say that we cannot know someone until we have lived with them. If we give up in one relationship, what will give us hope in the next one?
blankman says
I have a tree in the back of my house that’s been there since I moved in. As it grew, branches began to hang over my deck, so I would trim the branches and the leaves. I did that for about 8 or nine years and each year the branches grew back thicker and greater number. Finally when I looked at the tree itself I noticed the limb instead of growing up had grown out and had grown so thick I couldn’t break it or bend it with my hand, I actually had to have someone come out and cut it with a saw. Who would have guessed that tiny branch would have grown so strong.
Life is vibration, which means life is growth. Sure some people use the term “outgrew” each other as a catchall cliche’ to explain their displeasure with their relationship. Or even as an “easy-out” so to speak. But the fact of the matter is we will grow and we do grow, and it’s hard to imagine that one day you will look up and you will be a different person and the person across from you will be a different person. You can only hope that you grow with awareness and you grow together, but there are no guarantees. So whereas I do agree that with 2 conscious, willing individuals much can be accomplished and overcome. However sometimes branches grow in their own way and direction and all you can do is cut the branch so you can enjoy a little bit of the sunshine in this thing we call LIFE.And when you think about it… when people split, can it be for any other reason than Out Growing one another? Sure there is no “I” in TEAM but there is a “ME” and each person’s journey begins with the ME. So first know the ways in which you are growing and learn to communicate that, then seek acceptance and provide the same in return and hopefully growth can happen with a deep synergy. Sometimes you even have to limit yourself to allow another to grow a little themselves. But….. there is a limitation to limitation. Growth is unique to each one of us and we can only hope that it is together. However just as we didn’t have the control to say when that Love came into our lives we must equally recognize that we don’t always have the control to say when it’s time for it to go. We can only hope and pray that we learn form the experience and that too becomes part of our ever increasing Growth.
T4 says
I hear all the time that we are supposed to make ourselves happy and everyone around us will be happy
, too. I feel like the things that make me happy makes my husband act strangely. He wants me to communicate, but then gets defensive when I say what is really on my mind. I don’t feel free to be me. I feel stifled. He wants me to have a full time job, but wants me to continue doing the bookkeeping for his business. His argument is that the business brings in more money than my job and so I should do my part. One of our kids is overweight and my husband does not help me to foster a healthier lifestyle. He often takes him to get ice cream. So I do feel like we have grown apart on our views.