Does your spouse or partner adhere to the “family comes first” philosophy? Read the story of a wife who’s having trouble because her spouse is seemingly forgetting his responsibility as a husband by putting his family first. In this post, I also share my thoughts on how you can peacefully resolve situations like these.
Family Comes First | Staying Strong, Understanding Priorities
In this article:
- My Husband Puts His Family Before Me
- Loving Your Partner Despite His Priorities
- Family Comes First: When the Family Literally Came First
- Husbands Fail to See Their Responsibilities
- Remember: Love Is Patient
My Husband Puts His Family Before Me
Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I have been reading a lot of your articles. I have been married for 9 months and love my husband. When we got married on July 27, 2015, the first month, we start to have problems. He put his family as a priority over me. He stated that he needed 3 months to take care of them. That just made me feel like a secondary person, but this is just the first problem.
The second problem is he went behind my back and borrowed money from his mother and didn’t tell me. And the third problem is: he pays a cell phone bill for his 30-year-old daughter. Whenever he threatens to stop paying her bill, she gets mad at him. The bottom line is he can’t say no to his family. I prayed to God to help me get through this because the thought of divorce has run through my mind. My thoughts now are that he just needs to go live with his family.
I want to enjoy life and be happy the way God designed a husband and wife to be. These are just a few of our problems. Unfortunately, there are more. I just feel like we need marriage counseling, but he doesn’t think so. But, I will be going to marriage counseling soon.
How do I love my husband when he puts his family before me?
Thanks for your page,
Concerned Wife
Loving Your Partner Despite His Priorities
Dear Concerned Wife,
I have personally experienced this phenomenon. I, too, once believed that family comes first before my partner. Like your husband, initially, I did not know how to honor and treat my wife with the love and respect she deserves. I was and am a family man. Prior to marrying my wife, I devoted a large percentage of my time to taking care of my family. In the past, I cut “good” women who called me out on my enabling behavior toward my family. If they attacked my family or said anything negative, they were gone.
This is a very sensitive issue that requires patience and understanding.
Family Comes First: When the Family Literally Came First
In my mind, my family was there for me prior to marriage and will be there for me if something bad happened, including my wife leaving me. Thus, I believed that family comes first before anyone else. I share my thoughts because I have heard hundreds of men say this.
Breaking the family bond and committing to one’s wife requires a solid relationship with God and understanding of scripture.
Husbands Fail to See Their Responsibilities
Some men struggle with putting their wife first because they do not understand their responsibility as a husband, at least from a biblical perspective. According to the Bible, the husband is to love his wife above all other human beings. I Peter 3:7, teaches us that the husband is to honor his wife. We are to show respect and consideration and offer emotional support.
I had to seek spiritual counsel in order to understand my responsibility as a husband. It was difficult for me to let go of my responsibility to my family, but I knew my marriage depended on it.
Remember: Love Is Patient
You can love your husband by being patient and attending counseling as you plan. Also, remember that love is patient.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-5 states, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”
Pray for your husband and encourage him to seek counsel without nagging. Also, see if you can connect with a family member who is objective and can help your husband see his ways. My cousin helped me see things I did not see. She challenged me to examine my behavior and prayed for my marriage.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
In this video from OWN, Iyanla talks to a husband who adheres to the “family comes first” philosophy and prioritizes his relatives over his wife:
If you are in the same situation where your spouse believes that family comes first and forgets his responsibility as a husband, the first step is to pray. Ask for God’s help and guidance, and from there, you can find an objective family member who can help you process the situation and talk to your spouse. I hope this post has given you some clarity on your situation so you can move forward and peacefully resolve your issues with your spouse.
BMWK Family, how did you learn how to create a balance between loving your spouse and your family?
Up Next: 5 Reasons Why Some Men Abandon Their Children
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc.), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on June 23, 2015. It has been updated for quality and relevancy.
I have been dealing with this also. To the point I moved out of the place we were living in. I understand we all feel obligated to our parents and family, but none the less it is very important to have boundaries in place.
I have done my best to be patient, God knows if I didn’t get pregnant in the second month of marriage what would have transpired. I have learned a lot about choices and consequences, that trying to force someone to do what they should do doesn’t work.
Let all the natural consequences for his actions fall into place, be patient and yes seek the godly counsel.
Things seem to be coming around now in my 9th month of pregnancy .. But I was and am very adamant in building a foundation for our family. ** His family is already built .. They will always be there in a sense. It’s time to make sure of that in his marriage.
Wish you all the best, stay strong, stay blessed.
July 15, 2015 hasn’t happened yet
I experience this same situation but it was gim putting his children friends and even his church before me. Some people do not get the concept of marriage and try to pass this illusion off in to others. I divorced him. He and his daughter had me arrested twice and a no contact issued where i couldn’t enter my own home. I was robbed house trashed but to God be the glory I’m free. I say all this to say that not everyone comes into your life with good intentions. Where there are warning signs destruction is bot too far behind.
I totally understand. I’ve been married for 27 years, and I am at the point where I am ready to leave also. I have been praying, and I feel I have been VERY patient. However, the hurt I felt when my husband didn’t even think about doing anything special for my 50th birthday was upsetting. I told him that I didn’t want a party, but wanted a trip away with just him and I because we hadn’t been away together alone on vacation since 2002. He took me out to dinner with my son and my parents came and joined us. He didn’t even tell his family it was my birthday. I get it. His parents are aging and have health issues. He’s the only son, and he has two sisters. He calls his mother after work before he calls me (that is, if I even get a call). He evens comes back to church after we attend the early morning service, just to save a close parking space for his mother who attends the normal 11:00 service. I’m just tired of being an “after thought.” I don’t think I am asking for too much. All I would like is an occasional (once every other month) a weekend away somewhere. Our occasional Friday date night has turned into a take home fried fish sandwich. Please pray for us!
i’m at a point of i don’t want to know how to fix it i don’t care anymore, the less i’m around my husband the better, he has the most dysfunctional enmeshed family ive ever seen, his mom acts like his surrogate wife, she has been divorced from my husbands father 36 years and still keeps the name and the dad is remarried, his daughter water broke and they call my husband instead of the guy that got her pregnant, and also he has a son that calls him at least 15 times a day just to talk and ask for money, i’m so sick of this family and all i need is a financial blessing and i’m out , sometimes things go on so long that its laughable i look at myself and think how did you end up here , i guess i needed to learn to love myself and no that i’m worthy and now i know i deserve better, also one year he stood me up i was suppose to take him out for fathers day and he never showed up till everything was closed , i knew then i was not a priority and never will be the good thing is i don’t care to be, i also pray one day God will bless me with someone who understands relationships until then i will continue to better myself, the next time i post i will be giving the name of my new love , until then everyone be strong you are not crazy you are beautiful….
Hi I’m in a similar situation. My bd and I have a baby, we are engaged to marry once financially stable. He puts his family first. His sister dosent take are of her 3 kids so her mom does it which is his mom, so she needs help so he helps his mom by helping his sister this includes money babysitting practically raising them. I want nothing to do with them.other than the normal hi and bye or special occasions seeing them. The sad part is we live with them. I really don’t know what to do . I want the best for our baby and relationship but he is going to have to man up.
I am also dealing with the same problem. I’m almost a year into my marriage. I have been living with my husband and his two adult brothers (36 and 30 years old men).i have a year old daughter and it hasn’t been easy living with these guys ever since i got married. My husband doesn’t care, he watches his brothers disrespect me and have taken over our home . I only have access to my bedroom, the other parts of the house that’s the living room and even kitchen they have sole control over these places . Even dry lines i hang my baby’s clothes on they have a problem with that .
I literally go mad sometimes cos what I’m going through is not easy . I’m dealing with weed addict brother in-laws, selfish brother inlaw, irresponsible husband, disrespect from every angle and even stress of single parenting my daughter all alone .
This is the summary of my problem cos they are more heartbreaking issues to this . If i want to continue on and on my script will be more than enough. I just need help cos my husband doesn’t listen . All he thinks about is his family .he never ever wants to disappointment or offend them . I’m a slave and prisoner in my husband’s house.
I truly understand my husband dont seem to see that he never defends me when it comes to his family. His brother lied on me and know he lied and he seem ok with it.