I was recently asked why abandoning children is often done by men. As a man fully committed to the well-being of my family, I don’t believe there’s one single answer to why this happens. Still, I know for a fact that fear, if left unchecked, will send a man down a road of no return.
Abandoning Children | Why Men Do It
In this article:
- Abandonment Is a Reaction to Fear
- Caught Up in Themselves
- The Past Catches Up
- Abandoning Children Is Emasculation
- A Loveless Relationship
- Abandoning Children Because He Isn’t Good Enough
- Two Sides to Every Coin
- Abandoning Children Happens Because of Fear
Abandonment Is a Reaction to Fear
If left unchecked fear will negatively impact anyone, male or female, and the people around them. As someone who has been there, hearing the news that you’re about to be in charge of raising another human life can create a tightness in the throat, a quickening of the heartbeat, a sinking feeling in the abdomen, and panic in the mind. This is a very human reaction to fear. Here are five reasons why.
Caught Up in Themselves
Oftentimes, men are so caught up in their immediate selves (for better or worse) any addition to the equation translates as chaos in a man’s mind, which is why you’ll hear “…but I’m working on this and that” or “Not now.”
The Past Catches Up
There are some men who have endured physically and emotionally abusive relationships as children. And whether they received therapy for this or not, they don’t trust their ability to not do the same thing to a child of their own.
Abandoning Children Is Emasculation
They were never “men” to begin with. A man by no means is some mythological archetype of human strength and perfection, but rather someone who accepts accountability for their actions and owns up to them, no matter what. This isn’t the easiest thing to do and accountability isn’t really being taught too many places these days except for maybe in the home.
There are plenty of examples of not being accountable everywhere in the media across all formats. This includes everything from sham celebrity weddings, music so disrespectful no “hot beat” in the world can overpower the words, to professional athletes getting slaps on the wrist for real crimes that will put the average person under the jail.
A Loveless Relationship
A man might want to be a father, but there’s a strong possibility he may not want a particular woman (the one he’s impregnated) to be the mother of his child. The relationship might not be the one for him. There might not be a relationship at all. He might resent the idea of having wasted his “seed” on this particular woman and now being stuck with her.
The scenarios are countless but whatever the situation, both parties should have THOUGHT and taken the proper precautions before creating a lifelong experience. Please note I used the word “experience” and not “mistake.”
Abandoning Children Because He Isn’t Good Enough
It’s not my goal to give away any trade secrets here, but a man might simply think he’s not good enough. When being responsible for another you naturally think you’ll be able to give that child your all, especially if you don’t think it happened in your life. If you’re struggling to do right by yourself it certainly can cause you to doubt your prospective parenting skills.
As fathers don’t have the luxury of bonding physiologically with a child in the womb, we don’t have the connection that moms do during pregnancy. He might convince himself he’ll bring his child more harm than good and decide his unborn little one is better off without him.
Two Sides to Every Coin
When a man is in the right mental and/or spiritual place with himself, his love for what is about to happen will overpower “the equation,” “the right time,” or “what makes sense.” The real problem is that once a man decides against raising his child no matter what the circumstances, he has traveled beyond the boundaries of what makes sense. He’s acting selfishly and has no idea the damage he will inflict upon his unborn child. In some rare cases it might not be any, but why take that risk?
Abandoning Children Happens Because of Fear
None of what is mentioned above should ever be considered excuses, but they combine to form my short answer as to why some men abandon their children without going down the traditional and rather non-explanatory path of “Men are dogs.” Fear is the mind killer. If allowed, it will keep you from experiencing one of the most amazing experiences a man can have — being a father.
And here’s the thing about fear. We all have them. A man is no less a man for having fears, but what separates the men from the boys is that men ultimately face their fears head-on with courage, hope, and faith.
Black Messiah Oprah shares this video on why men are abandoning children:
Fear isn’t 100% a bad thing. Fear of what went wrong in your life, fear of what you might not currently have, fear of what you don’t think you can do for a child has driven many men to go above and beyond in their child’s life — being present and loving, something they’ve never done before. There are plenty of reasons for why some men abandon their children, but do they matter when compared to the pains of a fatherless child?
Abandoning children is a story many people share. Tell us yours in the comments section.
Up Next: Should I Commit To Marrying A Woman With Six Children?
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in December 2011, and has been updated for quality and relevancy.
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Cathy Conner says
My father visited me one day a year. When I was eleven he asked me “How are you?! How are things?” I answered calmly “Things are bad.” (My mother had married a violent man who moved us to an isolated location.) He said nothing, changed the subject and did not call again for his annual visit..
Happy Family Values, everybody!
As a man searching the web for answers, and i through my own experience see a problem not addressed here. What about those men who want to be fathers and the woman systematically pushes him away. Ignores your fatherly qualities, and would rather be a single mother ? I had no choice but to stop trying, even against my better judgement. Should i not get the time to heal and stay away from it all ? I cant force myself to be a father is she doesn’t want me to be one. What does a man in this situation do but become absent?
March down to your local court house, there’s no excuses these days. Make sure, you have yourself together and established and go get rights to your child they belong to you!!!
I was abandoned will pregnant by the father who I loved. He left me for another woman who has recently had a baby too…we would have been pregnant at the same time. He has hurt me deeply for what he did…how do you suggest i manage this situation for my baby daughter’s sake? He has made no attempt to contact me since he left me last year.
Same here has he contacted you? Does he support financially? Has he seen the precious baby?
That’s part of the problem, some fathers just don’t seem to be able to get themselves together….not be a perfect person, but an honest person. Honest enough to say, “I’m not perfect but I want to have my children in my life so they can see that my struggles and accomplishments”
Josh Brennan says
My farther had me any my older sister when he was only a teen so therefore he wasn’t ready I know from what I’ve been told growing up that he was actually abused as a child and basically neglected by both parents his father left him too and his mother on the other hand didn’t want the time for him she’d beat him her and her partner everyday and everytime they were drunk but the fact is while I was growing up my dad weren’t there I asked my mom at the age of just 5 years old hey , what’s a dad where is my dad and she actually managed to track him down when I was 6 and as soon as I met him I absolutely Idolised him with all of me I promise I did he was just this cool farther to look up too otherwise that’s what I thought when I was only a boy at the time then as time rolled on he was in and out of mine and my sister’s life it was like he’s choosing when he wants to come in and out but now that I’m older I’m just in so much wonder , wonder if he genuinely don’t care about me other than himself because my dad had a big ego or so it seemed or he did but he just doesn’t know how to be a dad and live because he was never shown that and he was abused as a child himself so he might feel like he’d do the same but I just wish I cud let him know for sure that I live him I’ve always wanted him in my life I am 17 years old now and let’s just say he’s been in and out but it’s really sad at the end of the day because I know his head is bad but I wish he was there and he knows that I’d never hate him no matter what it kills everyday to stride on without him it’s just I haven’t seen him for years and he has no contact with me not my sister but I just want it to be different
This is exactly what I was thinking when I read all these reasons. The one you mentioned didn’t happen to be in this list and it should have been. The woman has been busy telling the child every thing bad about the father and for him to stay is away is what many women want. Btw, I am a woman.
you keep trying for the sake of the child your blood
i dated the father of my son three years and the forth year i got pregnant and he neglected the baby at my second wéek of pregnancy, i went on and i got a baby and he has never even helped the child. i used,to sent sms asking for child help but he has never given my son anything. the child is know going 3yrs ,i decided to forward the issure to the fida but my parent refused. i stoped i still love the man but forget the pain in my heart what can i do?
I have the same situation and am looking for the same answers. The only difference is, it’s been 7 years. And my sons father got married and started another family before our son was even born. He didn’t even know this woman for god sake! And still doesn’t want anything to do with my child, and claims it because I never gave him a chance to be a father, which is bullshit.
Meedia Moogulz says
Sick of hearing the sob stories, stop choosing your mate on physical and financial options and maybe you will find a man. Low self-esteem, and letting the man get away with not supporting his child is the first. I am black, married, and have two boys. A man cannot get away with anything a woman does not want him to!!!!!
Please do tell…. I am white and have a mixed race daughter to a black man who has ‘ghosted’ me and will not communicate. Aside from chasing him around Asia – which is impossible… What do I do? Just forget his duty as a man/human being and accept he is a waste of space?
Arianna Millan Cruz says
My guy has left me because am two months pregnant with her child. He claims that the baby aint his and that he’s not responsible for my pregnancy!!! He claims that it might be another man’s child, because he says that iv been sleeping with other men and not only him….. Am soon planning to give his family a short visit, so that they will know that their dear son, will be expecting a child soon, courtesy of me!!!! My only hope is that, i’ll find justice on behalf of my unborn little angel!!!! I still love the guy and only hope soon he’ll come back
Very insightful post. I really appreciate that you, Lamar and Ronnie, shared it and shed light on an important topic. Even though I don’t have kids of my own, I do feel that men should never abandon their children, no matter the circumstance. If a man didn’t want to have a child with a particular woman, he should of wore a condom. There is absolutely no excuse that a man can give that justifies him abandoning his flesh and blood.
Aliu Rashidi Peter/Rashow Jack chooses to abandon his innocent son when asked to provide for him. He nevermind finishes RICA but does that matters? Because how can a man like him ever enters Heavens to start with? Lol!
Grow up and be there for your kid ..its not about what she wants it’s about what’s going to happen to that child and how is the child going to feel. Selfishness is the problem. Everyone thinks oh this for me oh that for me . Never how that kids going to feel.. I hear the dad’s say oh I’m not ready I need to work on me gtfo….the mom doesnt have time to say I need to work on me because this baby is coming. Now..without you…this mother has to provide financially, emotionally and spiritually for this child with no backing from you. Selfish makes me sick
Carmen Elliott says
My ex husband, biological father, and maternal grandfather all abandoned their children. Their choices caused a great deal of unnecessary struggle and deep resentment with me, my mother, and grandmother. They ALL got hit with some pretty bad Karma!
John Doe says
Men never took responsibility for their actions. That’s a woman thing XD
Oh my God. He “resents” that he “wasted” his precious (read: a dime a billion) sperm on a woman and is now “stuck” with her? Shouldn’t have put his f-ing dick and seed in her in the first place then. Good lord.
You should also condemn her for not using birth control. It takes two to conceive a child. Don’t forget the women who also sperm jack men. Why do they do that? Simple – not all sperm is ‘dime a billion’. Some of it is more precious to a woman than gold.
Frankie Mann says
There are many laws in nature–one sad truth is that is it much easier for a man to abandon a child than it is for a woman. On the flip side of this coin single moms who have no contact with the biological male parent are extremely beautiful if they want to be. Trying to date and find a new partner with an ex who is constantly popping in the picture would probably not work very well–so if the guy is completely gone it is honestly a blessing. Believe it or not there are men out there who just naturally want to be fathers and raise families–it’s just another law of nature.
Sunny Winters says
If the guy disappeared altogether think of it as a blessing. Having no contact with the biological father is better than abuse.
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Leanne foley says
It’s always acceptable that the father walks away but if the mum does she’s bad noone should get to walk away from a child you made it’s not acceptable unless it’s a violent situation still should pay child support but they don’t have to out of spite because no law does anything to punish them it’s bullshit other then USA don’t pay child support go to jail until you work something out not in Aus
This article is bullshit.
Joy Maunatlala says
Before you fall pregnant, firstly you must have full knowledge about the guy. Some people lack maturity out there
Very true Joy, o buwa nnete.
How DARE the author of this article suggest that BOTH parties have responsibility for the male deciding he doesn’t love the woman or has “wasted his seed on her” – women have married and committed to men, IN GOOD FAITH, that those men loved them and wanted to have a family with them, excuses like I don’t want to be with you or love you aren’t good enough – they’re like “the dog ate my homework”.
Thank you for your comments ,there isn’t any reason for running away .He just chose to do so freely and we mothers have to carry on without them. The is a man out there who is willingly to be a father to the fatherless child,the father of my son left his only son that he never had and he is fathering other men’s son .what so say in this situation.