Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I’ve been married for two years going on three years in September. We met at a church revival. We started dating on April 25, 2012, and got engaged on August 16, 2012. We got married on September 28, 2012.

Just giving you a timeline. As I look over my life, I think back to high school. When they ask you, where do you see yourself after high school? I thought I would go to school, get my degree, and put down a deposit on a home to begin starting a family.

Looks like my life has took a different turn. I’ll be 25 in June which right now I planned on having at least one child before 30. But, things are at a stand still. Everybody tells me that I shouldn’t focus on children, for they will come in the right time. My husband has a problem keeping a job. He will work for a while then he will either quit or get fired. It’s happened to many times in the past two years.

I’m trying to stand by my husband. But, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of lying to everyone.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is this, “How Do You Hold on When Your Spouse is Financially Unstable? I’m afraid to communicate because of what I might say. So I’ve become stand offish and closed off.

Sincerely,

Happily Married yet Confused

Dear Happily Married yet Confused,

Poor finance is the second leading cause of divorce. Love is a beautiful thing, but so is financial stability. Money cannot buy love and is not the answer to all things. However without it, your ability to live with little to no stress is impossible. I say this to remind you that your husband’s inability to keep a job is a sign that you need to slow down.

I understand the desire to start a family, but you owe it to your future children to have more stability in place. Maybe your husband needs someone to mentor him. Someone who can help him find passion in work that he will and can stick with.

Holding on to your husband might come easier after he gets some help. He needs to learn and be taught what it means to lead his household. The bible states that men need to be hard workers and provide for their families.

You can hold on by seeking help. Please do not bring children into this world until your husband is capable of holding a job and providing for the family. Any man who is willing to work, is worthy of receiving support.

Through professional or spiritual counseling, your husband might be able to gain insight into why he quits or get fired from jobs. I recommend that you hold on until your husband gets help. Also, seek individual guidance for yourself so that you can learn how to communicate your concerns and frustration.

Remember that your husband’s past and current behavior can be modified and changed for the better if he is willing to receive help. Express your desires and give him an opportunity to step-up. If he refuses to value and respect your desires, then you should consider going to marital therapy.

Focus less on money and more on your husband’s psychological status. Spend more time trying to figure out what motivates him. Explore whether or not your desires are compatible with his desires. After you get a better understanding of your husband’s mental status, you will be better equipped to decide how and if you should hold on.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

BMWK, What are some positively practical ways to discuss with your spouse regarding an area of their life they are struggling in?