by Tara Pringle Jefferson
Somehow, when I first got married, I mistakenly thought that since we lived together, we get more than enough quality time without even trying. However, as I’m sure you have figured out, that isn’t always the case.
It can be hard to simply find time for each other. Even though we live in the same house and see each other every single day, there can be times when we’re so preoccupied with everything else – the kids, the level of cleanliness in the house, our work, family problems – that we haven’t had a meaningful conversation in a few days.
That is no good.
I realize when we start simply existing with each other – more like roommates than partners – we end up bickering more and laughing less. We always try to check ourselves, and give the other a nudge when we feel communication could be better, commitment to the relationship could be strengthened
Whatever your job is and whatever other responsibilities that are on your plate, make sure your spouse doesn’t get the short end of the stick. Here’s a few ways to carve out time where you think there isn’t any:
- Cuddle in the morning before the kids wake up. Set your alarm 30 minutes early if you have to.
- Cuddle at night. Call it a night early and spend some time leisurely reading magazines, catching up on Law & Order – whatever is fun for you two.
- Text throughout the day that you love them, or to tell them about a funny thing that just happened at work.
- Facebook chat during your lunch break.
- If you can swing it, take a half day of vacation and go spend the afternoon with your spouse, just because.
- Eat dinner together AFTER the kids go to sleep.
What are some ways you stay connected with your spouse?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. She’s also the author of Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.
Ronnie_BMWK says
This is a great post Tara… now that Lamar and I both work from home…we are together all of the time. But there are days when I tell him that I miss him…because we have not been interacting with each other enough.
We stay connected through dates…we eat lunch together every Thursday. We talk at night and in the mornings. Sometimes we can’t get to sleep because we play too much at night. Also, as much as possible, we do things together….bath time with the kids… or cleaning together.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Ronnie – Exactly. It took my husband a long time to figure out what I meant when I said I missed him because to him, we spent tons of time together! But that quality time was missing and I’m glad we got it back on track!
Ronnie_BMWK says
This is a great post Tara… now that Lamar and I both work from home…we are together all of the time. But there are days when I tell him that I miss him…because we have not been interacting with each other enough.
We stay connected through dates…we eat lunch together every Thursday. We talk at night and in the mornings. Sometimes we can’t get to sleep because we play too much at night. Also, as much as possible, we do things together….bath time with the kids… or cleaning together.
Reginald Williams says
Post well done Tara. This is something that affects the Williams household as well and something I complain about more than the Mrs.
We’re real good at making dates out of anything. If we’re going shopping we might stop and get a scoop of ice-cream or stop in some store and speak some moments dreaming about something in the future. Yesterday my wife stopped in Home Depot and called me when she saw something she wanted done to the kitchen. We shared a 5 minute conversation about the dream and it was a pleasant moment for both of us – all those it’s going to end up on her “Honey Do” list for me. But I’m going to enjoy getting it done for her.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Reginald – Thanks! I love the idea of making dates out of anything. I admit, we’re good for doing to Home Depot/Lowe’s just to browse and making lists of small home improvement projects to do together. It’s fun.
Martha A. Snowden says
very good advice and info !!! My hubby and I were just discussing that we need to be more creative in finding ways to connect outside of being a mommy and a daddy together all day especially since he works evenings. We used to have late nite dates when he got home but since we’re pregnant with twins I can not seem to stay awake long enough. We’re really concerned because we know that when the twins come we’ll have four children (two newborns) taking up a lot of time, but these ideas are encouraging
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Martha – Aww, congratulations on the twins! (Well, on the other two as well. 🙂
Kim Jones Esters says
Marriage can become stale when the couples take each other for granted and don’t devote time to “stoke the fire” of their romance. Date nights are an absolute necessity. I’m not referring to just going out together but making an event of it so that both husband and wife look forward to it. During the courting phase, there seemed to be more effort. Marriages must be nurtured and tended just like a garden. Husbands, please make the effort to REGULARLY date your wives. Wives, don’t fall into the mindset that just because you’re married, you can slack off on your appearance or attentiveness to your husband. Song of Solomon 2:15 sums it up, “Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!” It’s those little things that are overlooked that will eventually wreak havoc on a marriage.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Kim – Yeah, color me guilty on the attentiveness aspect. So glad I’m more aware of it now!
Martha A. Snowden says
my hubby always says we can’t be loveydovey anymore because we’re already married and we’re too old for that …he maybe old but Im not Im only 33 and a few days , He’s only 33 himself. lol How can I encourage more married dating from my hubby
Sherrie W. says
We always set aside a friday or saturday every week to be our date night.Whether its a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant,ordering takeout and playing video games or just cuddling when we watch our favorite shows its our time to enjoy and appreciate each other.
Rubygriffin36 says
Being marriage is like going throught a sand storm…What that? You don’t want to be to distance or you don’t want to be too close for comfort…if you get to close you’re in their space,but if you get to distance where is the love? Now! where is the expectation?.
Roy Frazier says
this is great.
Martha A. Snowden says
I have a question and it may prove that I am some what brattish or it maybe that Im alittle brattish and my hubby can be a little either lazy or just not that inventive when it comes to romance which is something I am finding out is not uncommon. So here goes:
There have been quite a few times when my hubby is supposed to be “taking me out on a date” and to me the activity is not romantic or remotely a date more because he doesn’t make it a special to do than a issue with the venue. Am I being unrealistic in what Im asking for and is there a man language that is necessary to communicate to my hubby that last minute plans going to a restaurant , ay restaurant at all , without any getting ready shenanigans( which I think are a part of the date) are whats important to me. I want to know he put thought and effort into it and looked forward to the date.
We do casual daytime spontaneous things which I enjoy too like a quick unexpected lunch date or ice cream sundaes whe I think we’re going to buy laundry detergent, or even now baby shopping on a whim. AM I being greedy??
Junoub says
It may not seem romantic to you Martha, but its romantic to him! Learn his love language, the way he shows love. Maybe different from the way you show love. There is no wrong or right way! Just study the way he conveys his love. We all have different love languages. Read the five. Love languages, How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate! By Gary Chapman, real good read!
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
Martha – I can relate. My husband would “take me out on a date” and once we get in the car, he’s looking at me like, “Where do you want to eat/go?” I’d be a little disappointed because I felt he hadn’t planned anything. That didn’t feel “special” to me, either.
So I tried to tell him that I liked the excitement of it all. I liked spending the week anticipating our “big date.” I liked trying on different outfits to see which one would look best, and searching YouTube videos for new ways to do my hair. That build-up was important.
He didn’t quite get it, but it’s improving. I had to take the reins a little bit and show him what I meant. So I’d text him on Tuesday saying, “I’m looking forward to our date Friday!” and when he came home from work on Wednesday I’d have 2 dresses out and ask him which one he thought I should wear. He began to see that I was really looking forward to being with him, and as such, he stepped up his game a little.
I don’t think it’s being bratty or greedy. Like Junoub said below, we all have our love languages of what we think is romantic.
DigM says
Since we are long distance, we have MovieNite every Friday over the phone and alternate who picks the movie. The only downside is that we now have seen so many movies, it’s challenging to find ones for each week that we haven’t seen in the theater already!