In case you didn’t know, I work from home. Most days, I’m typing and editing with a clingy three-year-old attached to my side. The stop-start nature of the work, coupled with intimidating deadlines (“Oh, yes, I can edit a 200 page book in a week”), makes it for a difficult ride.
Some days, I’m able to handle it better than others.
And then there are the days like yesterday.
Every couple weeks or so, I have a day when my son just wants to be in my face all day. No, he will not sit down at the table and color. No, he will not watch an episode of The Backyardians while I bang out a couple emails. No, he will not take a nap. No, he will not sit quietly next to me while I edit 5-7 pages of a manuscript. He wants to do stuff and whatever stuff I propose he does is not the stuff he wants to do.
And I get that. He’s three. He wants to go outside and kick the leaves. He wants to run wild at the park. He wants to play with the puzzles at the library. Staying home with mom while she sits and stares at a computer for hours on end? Ugh, I don’t even like doing that some days.
I’m multitasking like 80% of the day so he’s constantly calling me, trying to get my attention. “Mommy, look!” is what I hear 5,000 times a day. “Hold on a minute” is what he hears 5,000 times a day.
So I’ve learned to adjust. I’ve made some strides to get more organized so the tasks I need to do can be done more quickly. I’ve learned the art of making some assignments pull double duty. I let other things slide so I have more time to work after the kids go to bed.
I also learned the importance of spending time, on the floor, with your kids. When I close my laptop and morph into Mommy again, not the crazed lady who is always on deadline, my son’s entire demeanor changes and he practically leaps with joy.
I color with him, and I teach him how to spell his colors. I read him books, and I give in when he asks to read I Can Read With My Eyes Shut for the fifth time in a row. I wrestle with him, even though I know he prefers wrestling with Daddy. When we are in the car, I keep the radio off, so I can hear his voice and the way his little mind is growing.
I’m doing my absolute best, so I don’t feel a bunch of guilt over this. But I do realize that this issue is bigger than just my household. It’s about the universal busyness of our lives.
My workload isn’t about to decrease anytime soon, so it’s about finding ways to honor my priorities. My kids are absolutely my priority, but my work is what puts food on the table. I can’t slack off. And I won’t. But I know my son appreciates it when I emphasize the fact that he is a priority in my life, that he comes first. So I get on the floor and get silly with him. It works for us. What works for you?
BMWK family, how do you make sure to get quality time with your kids?
My three children are older and have hectic afterschool schedules, but I find having dinner together is a great way to stay connected. Even if it is not the entire family every single night, we make of point of having our meals together with whomever happens to be there. With the tv off and we recount our day and talk about future plans and activities for the week. It is very informal, in fact most of the time we eat in the kitchen at the counter since someone will come in late or have to leave to complete an assignment. But the most important thing is that for that hour or some nights 2hrs, we connect and talk.
Keep it Up Clarrette!!! I’ve read & heard about research that proves involved dinners like these almost guarantee a healthy & successful family. Unfortunately, a lot of us are passive to distractions like TV, phones and the internet and it’s tearing down the moral value and foundation of the family. I’m not sure what the future holds for our children, but I do know the ones whose family makes the subtle sacrifice like you have will be a closely knit & supportive family for generations to come.
Tara, this is probably one of the most important questions that parents can answer. We were married in a different era, and we balanced full time work, college education, with one stay at home wife, two children and one car. The term multi-tasking had not been invented, but that’s what we were doing. The solution, however, was to default to giving our children the “full time attention” they needed as preschoolers by sacrificing “stuff for us” so that my wife could be a stay at home mom. I can attest that the results are much better than the alternative of farming out their care, or too often saying, “Be quite, I’m busy.”
The point was brought home to me when I graduated from college. My son, was 5 years old at the time, and learning how to adapt to the rules of kindergarten. As my three or four day a week evening class schedule came to an end, I was able to come home from work and spend time with our children. My son, looked at me sadly one evening and said, “Daddy, did you do something wrong and they have put you out of school?” I was surprised at his question, and then realized that his view of me was that I should always be in school, and that is what he was preparing himself to do. So, the notion of not going to school seemed to him that I had done something wrong. He developed this view without my full time attention. I decided at that moment that I was not going to graduate school, but spend more time giving my son more of my full time attention — bike riding, little league baseball, learning to repair my car (hand me the tools, son), and supporting his passion for BMX Bicycle racing.
The need for our full time attention gets more important as our children move into their adolescent and teenage years. That full time attention does not need to be constant, but teens want to know that you are “really listening and hear what they mean as well as what they are saying.” It is critical that parents simply “stop” as often as they are able, look their children in the eye, and pay full attnetion to what they are trying to get us to udnerstand. In return, they will listen to what we are saying to them, and we will earn their respect. Yes, we have to EARN the respect of our children as they grow into adulthood. Respect is different than obedience. We can demand obedience, but we must earn their respect.
We must understand that giving our children our full time attention — however small the time we have to do that — is critical to helping them to grow up as functional adults who are comfortable with their own identity. They need our full time attention to become all they can (and want to) be.
When I discovered I was having a child a knew I NEEDED to do everything within my power to help her reach her full potential. I read baby name books to give her a name that would give her honor and confidence. I read developmental books and magazines in order to be in tune with each stage of growth… Being a working Mom, sometimes you are sadened by the lack of free time you have to offer them… Missing out on hugs, kisses, cheers and those Mommy Days, when it’s just about you and the kids. So one of the articles suggested I give my child the first 15 minutes when I get home. How else will she know she is the most important little love in my life? How do adults show that they care? We spend time with the ones we care for most. The article said to get on the floor with them, give them eye contact at their level, get on your knees and spend some time down there showing interest in what they like or find amusing. While your down there, let them be your guide; give them the freedom to express themselves… After doing this for years, my toddler is now a tween and we have a matchless bond which can be felt and seen everywhere we go. In first grade all the girls when the girls started talking about best friends, my daughter said, “My Mommy is my best friend.” She pulled my heart strings as the other girls seemed puzzled. But this statement let me know she got it (and still does); she deserved my undivided attention and the fruit of it shows in the love & pride she has for herself. She can be an independent thinker who can be comfortable with not following the crowd… But most of all because I am her best friend and Mom she knows I genuinely love her and she is my most valuable asset. I know in my old age whose gonna take good care of me, cause Momma ain’t raising no fool…