by Tara Pringle Jefferson
“You’re driving me crazy,” you say in the midst of a heated argument.
Your spouse sighs. “Are we here again?”
“Yes, we’re here again.”
“Why do you always have to act so childish?” your spouse slings back, equally pissed.
Now, in your mind, the gloves are off. “I’m not acting childish. If you think I act like a child, then why are we even together? Why don’t you go find someone else?”
Ahh, there it is – the classic “If you’re not happy then why don’t you leave?” move. Usually pulled during supreme frustration and anger, this move has been used over and over again by spouses who can’t quite seem to see eye-to-eye. In the midst of their anger, they don’t want to be rational – they want drama.
But where does it get you if every time there’s a conflict you threaten to run to the door? How committed are you to the relationship if you’ve always got your mental bags packed? Can you say you’re giving your spouse a sense of security if you’re always one argument away from announcing that you’ve “had enough”?
Instead of fleeing the scene when things get heated, do what you can to stress that you’re here for the long haul – so solving conflicts is a must:
1) Let your spouse have the last word. At least sometimes. I know this one is difficult for me, but when I consciously allow myself to stop talking, talking, talking the subject into the ground, we find our disagreements are much shorter. (I bet my husband loves to hear me admit this!)
2) Hold hands when you argue. It sounds so stupid, but sometimes it works. If you’re holding hands, you tend speak in calmer tones, and tend not to overdramatize the situation. The physical touch keeps you focused on the issue at hand.
3) Practice the art of active listening. Throw in a couple “I hear you, sweetie”s while you’re at it. Make sure your partner knows that what they say is important. You’re not running when faced with something that’s uncomfortable to hear.
What about you, BMWK family? How do you solve conflicts before they escalate to the point of no return?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog (she promises you’ll like it) to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
I have found myself doing the same thing more often than not….
I have to be honest and say that divorce has entered our arguments more often then I am proud of. What’s funny is I don’t actually think it would get to that point, we just kinda recklessly throw it around. Even though we know we shouldn’t….
Love this…throwing an empty threat out there re: Divorce is a really quick way to put the subject on the mind of your spouse if they hadn’t been considering it. Yes, it’s an attention-getter, until you over use it. I don’t use it AT ALL…not productive, not helpful, and not conducive to a good relationship. I like the ‘hold hands while you argue’ tip – haven’t done that, but I think I’ll give it a try. Giving my spouse the last word is also a tough one – though I have done that when I felt that saying ‘just one more thing’ would be more harmful than helpful. Thanks for the reminder on active listening as well…good article all around!
I am not proud to say that I have resorted to the “D” word in frustration we have held hands and it does work. My thoughts us that the last word should be prayer. God is that third stand that holds our marriage together. Prayer gives God permission to intervene and to help us both see each others point of view effectively. Praying for your spouse helps you to intercede on the issues they are not verbal about it also brings calm and works as a diffuser.
Very good article. I believe threatening to divorce every time there is an argument can eventually bring insecurities. Your spouse may be on guard and mentally (and financially) preparing for you to escape. Awesome advice…you don’t always have to have the last word. Marriage shouldn’t be a “I win, you lose”…but how can we both win.
The D word is like that red button the only the President has access to. It should never be used unless all is lost and you are ready for the consequences. It’s not so much a place of no return but it is a seed that will sow a bad harvest as it plants insecurity, doubt, resentment and maybe even outrage in the mind of the person you say it to. Say it enough times it may even create that outcome more than any wrong you and your spouse are going through.
I don’t know if I could endure the hand-holding, but I’m not opposed to trying it. Being an adult during a conflict and saying what you mean like you have some sense and trusting that your spouse will hear you like he or she has sense will always win over saying something you don’t mean for the sake of an argument and regretting it later.
There is POWER IN THE TONGUE!!! You can birth an idea by simply by speaking it into existence, this I truly believe, so my advice is to be VERY careful what you say. If I had a spouse that say’s it (which I don’t), I would suggest that you remind THEM of that power as well. It wouldn’t do me any good to drop the D-Bomb with my hubby, because I’m married to a black man who’s logic is “I ain’t no fool!! Why would I give another man MY wife?”…which usually makes me laugh……(I kinda like that in him :). Also, I agree with all the suggestions, but like EPayne, I’m not feeling the ‘holding hands when you argue. My take is if you’re sensitive enough to hold hands while arguing, just stop arguing….right? Good topic!
15 or so years ago my new wife and I agreed that we would NOT use the word divorce or leaving when arguing. Here we are 15 or so years later.
Someone told me about the hand-holding thing and I thought it was ridiculous. But hey…I think it works…Who knew?
GREAT POST!!! U must have been in my home yesterday! I’m ready to go now!!!!!! WOW!!!
Divorce is one word, that don’t come up in arguments in my home! Thank God. If we have a disagreement about something, we wait and come back later. There is no need for people to have a conversation when emotions are high. Having that time to think allows both people to try and see the issue from the other person’s perspective. Sometimes, it is good to pray on it, before you react. High emotions and arguing never gets anything positive accomplished. I do like two of the three points, letting your spouse have the last word and active listening!
Hold hands when you argue?!?!!…man, if I could figure out a way to keep calm enough to do that while arguing, I would never argue! I think I will try that next time. It has to beat my method :/
Ill give it a shot next time.
ryan
Are you kidding me. I am just fed up with this marriage that I am in. And, the suggestions in this article, to me, makes it seem like I have to be the bigger person here. Lord knows, I have tried to let him have the last word, I go to work to complain just to release my anger. I have tried to avoid conflict, suggest counseling….. the list can go on. For anyone who reads this, I am sorry for the long statement. I am just …..fed up.
This has come at a timely time, b/c we just had one of those arguments this morning. If I knew that my husband was one foot out the door and I wanted to save my marriage, I would be working hard and differently. My husband on the other hand, does not seem to want to be different. If we make it thru this one, maybe I will try and hold his hand.
Jenise: A soft answer can turn away wrath….so it’s worth a try. The Marriage is worth fighting for…just don’t fight each other. I pray all goes well
Trying praying together each night. Make sure when you pray you thank God for your husband. That will make him feel special and help him to understand that you love him. It will also show him that you care about your marriage. Try this and see how well it works for you. Sometimes, we lose sight of who is in the head of our relationship, that has to be God. I’m not referring this statement necessarily to just you, but to your mate.
Jenise, I agree with Candice. I read this article and I do think that a couple of the things mentioned are more fairytale things, but overall these things are a start. It takes true humility in a marriage. You can go to the Bible and find a ton of scriptures about marriage, but it’s not those scriptures you need to focus on, but the ones about Jesus cared for even those that mocked him and spit on him. In marriages sometimes we feel like our spouses mock and spit on us, but we have to show that we have faith in God that he will make things better. True faith NEVER waivers.
Very timely post for me. While we don’t use the word divorce, there have been several times where I’ve alluded to him leaving. But the biggest point that hit home for me was “How committed are you to the relationship if youve always got your mental bags packed? ” I think about leaving way more than I verbalize it to my husband, but if you dwell on something long enough, those thoughts can turn into action. And usually what we fight about isn’t even worth it. Thank you for this reminder.
I’ve been married to my spouse for 2.5 years and the other night was the first time that I allowed Divorce to proceed from my lips. I dont want a divorce but I am looking for another way to handle to arguments. Thanks for the tips!!
So very true 🙂 Now can we just learn to speak softly
Well the tricky part for me would be getting her to come close enough to me to try to pull this off. This is where I think the experiment would end.
@Jenise – I am not currently having a rough patch in my marriage so I can admit that these tips sound a lot more doable to me than it will to you. I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time in your marriage and can tell you have been trying your hardest. I bet it’s frustrating when your best efforts don’t seem like enough.
When my marriage WAS in a tough spot (I mean arguments almost every time we spoke, going to bed mad 5 nights out the week), it took all I had not to entertain thoughts of leaving. The best advice I can give to you is to pray for YOU. Don’t pray for your husband to change or for your marriage to get better. It did work for me. Did it take time? Yes, but it worked.
I hope I have been at least somewhat helpful. 🙂
The last big fight my husband and I had, he held me while we talked and I’m telling you – it did not escalate to the point an ordinary fight would have. At first, I did want to pull away, but I didn’t and I’m glad. 🙂