Michele Weiner-Davis gives advice on what you should do if your spouse is having an affair and it may not be what you think. Tell us your opinion in the comments section.
About Lamar Tyler
Lamar Tyler is co-creator BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing.
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I feel like that is torture to allow the affair to continue. How is the wife to make peace? I agree people can make it through an affair and that you can not always give the ultimatum but to live in the same home and continue on like there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. I would not be that person.
acting like there is nothing going on could cost you your life and health…all types of diseases to be had…
“you need to focus on your own life and not pressure your spouse to give up that affair”
OOOOOOOOOH HEEEEEEECK NAAAAAAAAAWWWW!!!
sorry, but this woman is TRIPPIN!
I.
Don’t.
Share.
I totally agree, at that rate we both might at well become swingers.lol
Isn’t this why there is a significant larger number of married black women who have contracted HIV from their spouses. I’m just sayin
OK!!!
Not I, said the cat.
If when confronted with it, the spouse isn’t regretful, apologetic and willing to cut it off and work at whatever needs to be addressed that’s drawing them to that other person, just leave.
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder…”, prob more responsible, thoughtful and considerate of their actions, too. But if you just nag but let them keep doing what they’re doing, it’s called enabling. Cut them off. Period. “No!” People need to practice saying that more often. So what, you’ll be heartbroken and lonely for a little while. Much more to life than sticking around with a person who doesn’t want you. Let them go. If that’s what they truly want, let them have it. Trust, you’re much better off than they are and they will eventually reap what they sow. You, however, don’t want to be caught up in that mess so I say lift your head up, take a deep breath, make all the necessary precautions and move on with your life. Most times, it really ain’t that hard. Again, that’s if the other half isn’t willing to seek counseling, atone for their mistakes, etc. I think a lot of us put ourselves through stuff we really don’t need to just so we can believe that we have someone when in reality, that’s not the case. Basically, we are fooling ourselves. At that point, the need for personal safety, some common sense and Godly integrity should kick in. Just walk… or kick them out. Just my two cents. I’ve seen ppl’s lives destroyed for holding on to something that unfortunately just wasn’t going to work. I admire the fight in them but if the other side isn’t fighting for it also, you gotta let them go. Otherwise you lose years of YOUR LIFE in the process… and they win. Though winning isn’t everything, I would think that carrying yourself with dignity, moving on and proving how much better you are without them will prove how much they LOST by cheating. Sure mistakes do happen but if that’s what they want, I’m like let ’em have it. Life is too short.
Very well said…..
I totally agree that under NORMAL circumstances, you should confront your spouse about your discovery. However, if your spouse has one foot out the door, if you make a big deal about it, there will be two feet out the door. So, you may have spoken your truth, but you will end up divorced, The information in this video is about what happens in marriages where one spouse is truly thinking about leaving. and it this is true in your case, you have to be strategic about how you handle it or you will be honest but alone. You decide.
“Alone” is not the “worse” option when the other thing presented is “married and miserable”.
Loneliness does not know marital status.
I agree with confronting the spouse about the affair – and if you have proof of the affair, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask your spouse to end it immediately…like other posters said, there are too many diseases and other ‘things’ that can be passed along.
Where she and I part company is the idea that I need to “back off” and let the affair run it’s course. OH HECK NAW!!! I have NEVER cheated, and don’t intend to. I found out about some improper online activity of my husband’s (which he said meant nothing) and I immediately insisted it stop all together. No contact, no email, no texts, NOTHING. If he was not willing to adhere to those conditions, our marriage would be OVER. No ifs, ands or buts. He ended the contact and we are still together.
With that said, if it happens again, ON ANY LEVEL, I’m out the door – you only get ONE TIME to do that to me, and no matter how much I love you or how long we’ve been together…I will NOT stand for a repeat performance.
I’m not in agreement with this advice and I’m not why this video was selected; a bit confused.
I’m not in agreement with this advice and I’m not sure why this video was selected; a bit confused.
i have been married for 2 years now and we have a 1 year old and i’m 21 weeks pregnant. our cheating has always been over the phone or computer never in person but if we had the money and gas at the time i’m sure he would go do that. i cheated 1st it was over the phone (phone sex) the only reason why i did it was being he doesn’t show me any love like just holding me or holding my hand little stuff like that we hardly have sex and he hates oral sex with me but i do it to him so then he cheated and his was over the computer this girl he wishes would be his wife then i didn’t actully cheat this time only thing i said to the girl was she is pretty and i guess somethings id do 2 her (yes i’m bisexual) then just recently he cheated now its this VERY beautiful girl and he’s now saying to her oh i love you and he wants her now to be his wife. my husband has NEVER gave me divorce papers in the whole 2 years of our marriage. i am overweight and pregnant there is no way right now i can look like he wants and every girl he does this with is skinny and beautiful. he plays mind games with me all the time and i don’t know what to think. i want to save my marriage i will do ANYTHING at all to save what left i have of it. i havent talked to anyone since that girl but he continues to find others and he simply can not forgive me as much as i beg him to. i can’t picture myself with anyone else but him. as much as he puts me through everyday i don’t want to leave. i’m to the point where i don’t care if he’s mean to me or not any affection is better then nothing. i feel so desperate and pathetic but i love this man til the end of time if anyone is reading this i would just love it if i could have some help from you.
please email me at [email protected] for any help you can give me
Hi. i need your help to save my marriage , me and my husband have been married for 2 years but we have been together for over 5 years i just found out that he has been cheating with a girl at his work . he told me he doesnt love me anymore he has a strong feeling on her want to be with her but she has a boyfriend also with work with them. im in love with him willing to do anything to make it work. this affair has been going on for years but off and on but just now its getting serious that he wants to leave me . please help
hi, i need help to save my marriage . me and my husband have been married for 2 years but we have been together for over 5 years i just found out that my husband cheating with a girl at his work i comfront him and he said yes , he told me he doesnt love me any more he has a strong feeling on her wants to be with her but she has a boyfriend also work with them. im in love with him willing to do anything to make it work . this affair has been going on for years but off and on but just now its getting serious that he wants to leave me. please help
Hi Michelle
Many years ago I atttended a class you had about a new book of yours
that you were ready to release and wanted “feedback”. I believe the name
of the book was “How to change your Man without him knowing it”. It
was a great experience and I can say I did try it and it did work. I no longer
have the book and my husband of 37 years has since passed away. I have a
friend that would love to purchase the book. Is it still availabl and do I have the title correct. Thanks again. It was a pleasure visiting with you in Woodstock. I am now in wonderful Arizona retired and loving it.
Karen
robinsonbuckler @ yahoo. com did a love spell for me about 3 days ago and the results came out miraculous!