by Charli Penn-Watkins
Now my husband has made it no secret that one of his least favorite things about me sometimes is my “nagging” tendencies. I’d like to think of myself as a pusher and a doer but to him my “do this” and “do that” rants are more of a royal pain in his but. Now you’re probably thinking, well, then why don’t you stop? I carry on with my maddening behavior because it works. It’s as simple as that. Call me crazy, but I’m convinced that I’ve mastered the art of successfully nagging my husband. (And yes it is an art!) I use the word successful because I know how to talk until he’s almost blue in the face, but not actually cross that line. Then once my tippy toes are just touching that line something miraculous happens ““ he gets it, and that thing I’ve been bugging the crap out of him to do actually gets done, and all is peaceful once again in our world. I’m not kidding, it happens.
I guess I am sort of a professional nagger these days, though I stand by my methods 100 percent. He recently said to me, “Honey, you nag me so much it’s like you wrote the how-to guide!” At first I was mildly offended, then I thought to myself, well, you know what, why the heck not? So, here it goes. My handy little how-to guide for successfully nagging your husband without damaging your marriage. Read it, take it with a grain of salt, and please report back should you try any of these techniques out and find your own version of success (or failure, I’m always up for making edits.)
Step 1: Pick your battles! If I want my husband to do four things, I know at the most he’ll actually do two. So I decide on the two things I really want most to happen and then pick one of those things to really ride him about. Yup, just one per week, or day, depending on how quickly it needs to get done. I may remind him of the other things, but I will only hound him about the one.
Step 2: Get your timing right! I find that nagging him constantly throughout the day only allows him to build up a quick immunity to it. Instead, I choose two times a day to get my annoying on, and try to make sure at least one of those moments is so inopportune for him that he’s actually going to listen just so I’ll shut up and let him get back to what he’s doing. (May I suggest when his favorite sports team is playing or when he’s just settling in to a little “guy time”?)
Step 3: Make his reward known. Usually my husband can look forward to one of two “benefits” to actually doing something I’ve begged him to do. Either I’ll shut up about it, which is often reward enough, or I’ll give him something he wants in return, such as use of the big TV when the playoffs are on at the same time I usually watch America’s Next Top Model. It’s not that you’re bribing him, but rather you’re just giving him a necessary incentive to get the job done. Okay, well maybe you’re bribing him a little, but whatever it takes right?
Step 4: Don’t be afraid to turn up the heat. He married you because he was confident that he could spend the rest of his life with you. This likely means that you’re easy or fun to be around and he enjoys your company. So, if steps 1, 2, and 3 have failed you, I find it best to make things a little less comfortable for him around the house. I turn my smiles upside down and let my inner diva come out to play. Usually The Man can only take about two days of this before he’s willing to do anything to “get his wife back”. It’s a low blow for sure, but again, sometimes the necessary counterstrike you need to get him to get something done!
Okay, and there you have it. I’m sure The Man will be glad to know his intended insult inspired such a positive post. And again, if you give this guide a go, please do report back. Oh, and feel free to share your own tricks of the trade below!
Charli Penn-Watkins is the blogger behind Man, Wife & Dog. A newlywed that’s blogging her way through all the ups and downs of marriage, Charli is also the relationships editor on Essence.com. Check her out on Twitter at @ManWifeDog.
Guest says
So, I am single and have met a Man who I adore and I hope I will be fortunate enough to spend the rest of my life with. I found myself cracking up at this article. I am in the office and I my colleagues are actually coming by to see what’s the matter. I shall keep these points in my back pocket for sure. The inner diva intrigues me most! Thank you for the post.
Cissy, Cis says
this is not a good article. do not take this person’s advice, or else you’ll find yourself single again.
Signed, A Happily Married Woman.
Guest says
So how do you get your husband to do the “Honey Do List”? Don’t criticize something without backing it up with a suggestion, because you just look like a negative person.
Guest says
probably without nagging. Talk to your husband and be supportive, understanding and encouraging.
Anonymous says
Actually, there is a much easier way and it’s too bad women don’t know it.
Guest says
Do tell…I’m all ears!
Guest says
Uh-oh!!!
Billy Cook says
I have to agree that this is not the best “how to” to publish for such a serious issue as the state of matrimony. Take it from a man’s perspective, I might give you what you want in the short term and you might walk away feeling victorious. However, in the long term, you might be pushing me away emotionally and spiritually. To even use the term “nag” is counterproductive. A nag eventually becomes a hag.” No man in his healthy mind wants to be married to a hag for the long term.Would like to see how intimacy, compromise, communication etc is promoted in the challenging state of matrimony. I’m just saying
Billy Cook….
@bcooknorfolk
Guest says
So what’s the solution in getting things done that need to be done? The curtains been sitting there for 3 months, when are they going to be on the wall? Any suggestions, and no “honey when you get a minute can you put these up” don’t work. Tried that first, second and third.
Cali says
You have to find a different approach on how to talk to your man. There are nice ways to ask for things to get done. And be understanding. Do you want someone nagging you about something you were supposed to do months ago? That creates frustration and unhappiness. Is that what your goal is? To frustrate and make your husband unhappy? Find a way to encourage your mate. You just don’t have to nag.
Why don’t you put up the curtains yourself?
Guest says
So basically your saying there is NO way to get your husband to pull his weight if he doesn’t want to, because I did all that you’re talking about. That’s how it started, understanding and loving, I didn’t just start off nagging, that would be stupid. See I actually thought maybe I was missing something. That there was some secret that you all knew that I didn’t know. This man felt like he had me and no longer had to contribute to the house in any way. He acted like he was a guest in our home. Men don’t want you acting like their mother and yet some still act like children. Yes I did put the curtains up myself and soon after that I put him out. I got used to doing things for myself and on my own. But now I have a man that offers to do things without me even asking, somethings he just does without any words spoken because it needs to be done. So I guess we as women should just choose better men. Problem solved.
Briana Myricks says
I try not to nag my husband because I notice it doesn’t work. I can bring out my inner diva but I notice it just causes him to do things out of spite.
Say What? says
I typically appreciate the posts on this blog, but this is some of the worst advice I’ve read about marriage in a long, long time. Seems a more fitting title to this article would be “How To (Successfully!) Push Your Husband Far, Far Away.” I’m sorry – I know the article is supposed to offer a humorous spin (maybe?), but the state of black marriage is delicate – we know this. What couple would genuinely benefit (in the long-term) from this advice? Sorry, I may not have all the answers, but I know this one ain’t it!
Cali says
especially coming from a newlywed! I’m just saying…
Nochecazador says
Nagging is saying the right thing at the wrong time. Doing it constantly is a turn off.
If you need that much control over the TV, there is always the local sports bar with a bigger and better TV, plus other fans to rant and rave with.
Please stop using the word diva in such a negative light. Diva should be more positive and is when not using it as a slang term to mean being mean, angry and selfish.
Charli Penn says
Thanks for the feedback everyone. This is definitely intended to be a humorous attempt to shed light on how to NOT nag your husband to death. I find it interesting that it was so offensive to many of you, mainly because at the core of it all what I’m saying is: Step 1. Discuss what’s most important to you. Making everything seem like the end of the world is not a good way to communicate. Step 2. When you speak to your spouse about something urgent, you need to have their full attention. Sometimes that will be when the game is on. Such is life. Step 3. Show your appreciation when your spouse does something you’ve asked them to do. Step 4. If your spouse isn’t listening to our respecting your wishes, NOT getting upset about it in some way is never the answer. And there you have it, the truth that was buried in my sarcasm, for those who missed it. As always, all feedback is great feedback. Thanks for the comment love. And thank you Ronnie and Lamar for getting my humor and wanting to share it with the Black and Married Family! 🙂
Nochecazador says
Thank you for explaining your sarcasm. I think many of us became defensive due to the stereotypes that the article brought forth. They are the very things that many of us are working on breaking strongholds of. Such as the attitude that if he don’t do that, then he won’t get any of this.
Cali says
No, I don’t think your sarcasm was noticed by most. Thank you for explaining. Perhaps more explanation within or at the end of the article would be helpful to the readers.
Guest says
I’m not saying I agree with the article but everyone has something to say about how wrong the article is but nobody is saying the right way to get things done. I don’t mean tell me “it’s all about communication”, I mean break it down the same way the writer did. What are the steps to get your husband to do something he doesn’t want really do around the house. Men how do we get you to stop working or get you off the phone, computer or couch to do something you ALREADY KNOW you were supposed to do. To me it shouldn’t take nagging, if I have to nag then that means he’s not listening to me anyway. So somebody speak louder then the crickets. I’m listening.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
Typically, I’ve found that nagging (in the traditional sense) doesn’t work. What I do is this:
1) Make my request specific. “Honey, can you put the curtains up today after work?”
2) Explain why you want it done when you want it done. “I’d really like them to go up before we go to bed so the kids’ rooms won’t be so drafty.”
3) Wait for him to do it.
Then you have options based on what he actually does. If he does it, thank him for doing something that you either weren’t able or willing to do. Kiss him on the lips. If he doesn’t do it, hand him the curtains and a hammer and kiss him on the lips. LOL
Vernikki says
As a happily married woman of ten years, I do not recommend this method of “nagging”
Saquonnariley says
Nagging is something that you do to a child, not a grown man who is your husband. If I simply explain to my husband why something is important to me, he will usually make the the time to do whatever it is I am asking. And if he can’t get it done because he is not there to be my servant, handyman, etc. I just do it myself or wait for him to get around to it.
Alonzo says
I think Tara hit it on the head. Have a conversation instead of ripping off demands. Explaining why you want something done will in all likely hood make sure it does get done.
Cali says
This is the worst article I have read on this site! This is not positive, and may do more harm than good.
Guest says
As a married man, nagging will get you dismissed quicker than most any other thing in a marriage. Men want peace in their homes. Most men I know hate it with a burning passion. Master the art of finesse. In other words, present what you want in such a way, that it’s impossible for us to risk your disappointment.