by Jasmine Wallace
I’ve noticed that our community has a habit of placing its men and women on pedestals, which can be both a good and bad thing at times. It’s common to hear our women being referred to as queens, and our men as kings. And there are often great tales told about our royal ancestry and the inherent regal qualities that each and every one of us possesses. However, I also see an emerging danger in this cultural practice.
Inadvertently, having placed our men and women on pedestals, we’ve also unconsciously set standards for them that may be much higher than normal. These “high” standards may also be the reason we are so critical of our men and women who fall evenly slightly below the “winner” mark. And for those individuals who exceed our standards, seeing as though anything placed on pedestals are perceived as a trophies, you began to see an emergence of a select group of people who take on an elite, entitlement type of attitude (not all, but some). Why do we do this?
Perhaps you don’t see it that way. Well, I have a few examples for you… Let’s start with the ideal “good” woman. In our community a “good” woman can cook, clean, is a lady in the streets and freak in the bed, she can hold her own, take care of the kids, is smart, is attractive and is ride or die (which means that no matter what her man says or does, she is willing to follow his lead).
And let’s not forget about our ideal “good” man; he is tough, has swag, is both a thug and a church boy, he is expected to be book smart and street smart, is handsome, has ample cash flow and is a protector of his women.
Now in either case, that of a good black man or women, both are expected to have most of these qualities; or they are either said to have fallen short of the woman/manhood bar, or are stereotyped for thinking they are all that. And if you are in direct violation of something on the list (“he doesn’t have enough swag” or “she not holding me down”), you are removed from the pedestal and cast off completely; thus the idea of a scrubb, gold digger, hoe, dog, etc.
With such high standards, might this be part of the reason our men and women can’t find “good” men and women. I mean, can you really find someone to meet all those abnormal standards? I refer to our standards as abnormal because they deviate from the average standards which have been set by most cultures (be they black or white or whatever). Terms like loyal, honest, trustworthy and good communicators are within the realm of the basic qualifications that must be met for normal standard of a “good” man or woman. Please do not read this post as a bash on having standards ( I often criticize myself for this very thing), I am the #1 Fan of standards being not only set, but upheld. Standards are set up and established as a rule for the measure of value and/or quality, and they are essential. This is intended to start a real conversation on our communities perception of “good” black men and women.
BMWK – how would you define a “good” black man or woman? Do you think we are guilty of setting unrealistic standards?
Born and raised in Atlanta GA, Jasmine Wallace is a writer and publishing professional. She prides herself on constantly striving to be the change she wants to see in the world. Her mission is to ask questions that help people discover truths about themselves, which impels them to find their ultimate happiness. Jasmine Wallace is the co-founder of EndtheDisconnect. You can follow Jasmine by logging on to www.endthedisconnect.com
Kayla says
What’s interesting to me about this is, in the case of both the ideal black woman and black man, the criteria seem to reflect the idea that black people need take on this “dual persona”. And, it seems, as we’re climbing the ladder of success in business, higher education, etc., it’s becoming more common for singles to look for someone who can balance these two personas. We want someone who can go to church, meet the family, and present him/herself well in the office but also be able to chill, enjoy AND relate while we watch music videos, etc. Now, I don’t mean to contend for or against the validity of wanting someone who can switch roles and stand confidently in either. But, I wonder if this desire to be both “properrr” and “down with the homies” is what makes our criteria look a like different when compared with those who search for loyalty, honesty, etc. exclusively.
Anonymous says
You totally lost me with the “Both a Thug and a Church Boy”. Any women who gets into a relationship with a thug cannot be called a lady herself. If one of my girlfriends ever dated or brought a thug to our couples night out would never be invited back into my life or our circle of friends who are couples.
Lorri says
A good man/ good woman comes from what you as the individual needs. However we take too much input from reality shows and get it twisted. Great read.
Renee says
Someone who has a relationship with Christ and knows how to rely on the Lord suffices for me. I have faith that the rest will fall in place.
Deema says
I’m with Renee on this one! I desire a man of God who not only reads the word but LIVES the word. This “swag” thing has taken over & is the reason so many ladies are choosing terrible men. When you have a man who’s more committed to the world than God you are in for a horrible ride.
Stephanieb says
Amen Renee and Deema, I totally agree! So many women want the men they see on TV, Idris, Boris, and so forth, but don’t realize that alot of the Hollwood men aren’t all they are cracked up to be either. They appear to have “swagger” on tv, but you don’t know anything about them behind closed doors. Just because a man looks good, dresses nice, and has money doesn’t mean he is right for you, unless your are looking for a trophy or a sugar daddy. If you want someone with substance, you have to be actively looking for someone with substance and you have to have it your self also, or least be trying.
Eugene says
I do agree if you don’t have the love of god you don’t have nothing that is what going on now I where just in a relationship I did everything for this woman right off of the blue she wanna to break off the relationship now woman said that there no good men out there that is a lie some women don’t know what that want when she would lay off and then have no job I where there for her now she wanna blame everything on me when she where just as much the blame as me she didn’t have no respect for me and talk to me any kind the way but I blame my self for putting up with this kind of woman if she knew god of have been touch by god maybe she would had been a better woman it where my mistake and her lost opening the car door for her everything but that wasn’t enough pay house payment
Tired of the Whining and Complaining says
I am sorry but I think people need to calm down and stop worrying so much about who they are dating. Being single is not that big of a deal and neither is getting married. I think people need to focus on living their lives and stop obsessing about finding someone. I am 28 years old and I have reached a point where I want to take advantage of my youth while I can. I think too many people have self-esteem issues and hence why they consistently focus on a relationship. At the end of the day, dating is not that complicated. Either people like you or they don’t. Either the connection is there or it isn’t. You can’t force it. Go out, enjoy life and usually that is when the person arrives.
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