For years I’ve gone back and forth about whether I should write this post, but every time I thought to put this story on paper, I changed my mind. As a writer, it’s tempting to share the shiny side, those stories where my faith, level-headedness and good-decision making skills prevail. But if I’m going to share the glowing stories about myself, I have to do the hard work of sharing the other side.
Years ago, when I was 21, in college, and fresh out of a relationship I had been in since 9th grade, I met and dated a married man. I wasn’t deceived. I knew he was married with children. Even though the affair only lasted for a few months, it took years for me to own my part without making excuses and to understand why I settled for being the side chick.
I had no idea what marriage meant. To me, marriage was just boyfriend/girlfriend on a pedestal. I knew that it was wrong because I knew that adultery was a sin. But I had no grasp of the impact of inserting myself into the life that this couple had built. And I wasn’t alone in my opinion. I remember confessing about the relationship to a friend who responded: “Well, it’s not your fault. He’s the one who chose to get married young.” Over time, that justification transformed into the one so often used to defend taking on the role of a home-wrecker. I’m not the one breaking marriage vows so I’m not wrong.
I had no intention of trying to take his wife’s place. I didn’t want to be his wife. I didn’t have any desire for him to leave her. I thought I wasn’t like those women they always talk about, sitting around pining away for the day that he would choose me. He didn’t feed me stories about how they were having problems or getting separated. I knew exactly where I stood with him and had no questions about our future. I felt like I had found the most honest relationship possible by living a lie.
I felt like I had the upper hand. There’s this idea that the husband turns to the woman on the side because she will do all of the things that his wife won’t. For me, this couldn’t have been further from the truth. I never felt like I was doing all the things that his wife wouldn’t do. I believed that she was doing all of the things that I didn’t have to do. Watching my parents’ own tumultuous relationship, I knew what it was like to watch a wife be devastated by infidelity. One of the easiest ways to avoid that devastation was by being the woman on the side. I wasn’t the one at home crying, wondering where he was. I was the one who knew. I got the dates, the gifts, the attention, while she was doing laundry, paying bills and taking care of babies—I got all of the perks with none of the responsibility.
And then one day his wife called me. I never talked to her. I only knew because of the frantic voicemail her husband left. It was the first time I had ever thought about the fact that there were real consequences to this game. It was the first time that I thought of his wife as a real person, and began to acknowledge that I was causing pain in the life of a woman I had never met.
I wish I could say that was the catalyst for ending the relationship, but in truth I think that like so many things at that age, once it stopped being fun I just lost interest and walked away, consequence free.
Or so I thought. Until I got married.
Almost a decade later, after I had grown up and settled down, the past turned around and confronted me face to face. My actions from years earlier (when I watched a husband, a good father, and a good provider, say “I love you” to his wife while sitting next to me) caused me to second-guess everything my husband said when the tables were turned. I knew how freely her husband could lie about going away on business or having a night out with the boys, so why wouldn’t mine?
I spent the first part of my marriage terrified. I couldn’t trust my own husband because of my relationship with hers.
I’m sharing this now, not because of what shows like Being Mary Jane portray, but by the real-life conversations that have been sparked because of them. Many of those conversations center on the complexities of marriage relationships that make room for the woman on the side, often in one way or another letting the other woman off the hook.
Through my own experience, from being both a woman on the side and a wife, I’ve learned although relationships may be complex, the marriage vows are not. Marriage is too big for there to be room for someone else on the sidelines. By being the “side chick” I was putting myself front and center in the middle of someone else’s pain and setting myself up to play a starring role in my own.
BMWK – have you ever settled for being a side chick and what did you learn from that process? Do you think shows like Being Mary Jane are sending the wrong message about the impact that an affair can have on a marriage and on the ‘side chick’?
Wow! I almost went down this road myself, and at the time, a bit younger than you, I really just didn’t care, and he of course never mentioned his marital status. I didn’t care until I saw a pic of wife with a small baby when he took me to his home–I realized then what was going on. It still took a long time to get away from him. I thought about how I would feel if it were my father. and I knew he would likely never be faithful to me if he wasn’t faithful to her. As an adult I was approached by a married man I was in grad school with, and the exact thoughts you expressed are what was running through my head. I wouldn’t want my future husband to do it to me, so I couldn’t allow myself the momentary pleasure with this fine, super-fit, chunck o chocolate whose wife was half a world away. But I really, really, really wanted to. He later apologized. I told him not to apologize to me, but to his wife. I thank God for helping me concentrate on graduating. That man never did….
Thank you for your honesty and candor!
Thank you for this honest reflection and for taking the risk to expose yourself, while providing more food for thought.
THANK you! I have always felt that way because I didn’t want to be the “other woman” so I didn’t do married men nor men in a relationship and always saying it’s complicated. I was married for twenty four years and when it ended it wasn’t because of another woman or another man. You are being a blessing to a lot of people with your truth. I’m glad you are free!
Thank you for sharing your own personal experience. I don’t care for the term (side chick) but I had been the other woman. It began as a friendship and eventually led to more. He and I had two children together and we have been together 12 years, and married almost 5 years. I felt the guilt of having a relationship with this man and it ate me up inside. I repent and still had a hard time forgiving myself. There is no way that I would ever put myself in that position again. Some of the hardest lessons are learned through experience.
Aja,
I applaud you for writing such an open, honest, and transparent article. Most of us aren’t thinking of the principle of sowing and reaping when we’re young but it is real. Your piece made me thank God again for his saving grace–a grace that is not bound by our bad decisions. I hope this joint goes viral!
This was so honest and real, Aja! Thank you for sharing your story. I’m proud of you for being able to reflect on your past and grow from it!
Great read and I love your vulnerability. Your story is the same one shared with so many and I hope by sharing it will be a source of prevention from these behaviors. Everyone loses in the end!
Props to you for putting yourself out there like that. I don’t watch the show, so I don’t know all the ins and outs; but I do watch Scandal. Everyone does stupid stuff in the youthful folly of our 20s. It’s part of our DNA that makes up our mature adulthood. Continue to use lessons like this for the betterment of those our community.
Much respect for putting yourself out there. Sharing stories like this can be so difficult for writers, but I am sure your story will have a meaningful impact on so many. Thanks for sharing it.
Thanks for sharing your story. Much respect. Been there 🙂
Yep, I did it too. My rationalizations for being involved with a man who was not mine were different, but the reality is still that its always wrong.
Thanks so much for your transparency! This “side chick” mentality seems to be becoming more and more acceptable in the era that we live in. More conversation definitely needs to be had on the subject.
Thanks for your honesty. Aren’t we relieved that God has placed our past in the sea of forgetfulness? – Babie Mason song. Your story put a real face to one of the reasons that families are often torn apart. I grew up hearing the term “out side woman” in Trinidad, and as a result have no interest in shows such as Scandal and Mary Jane.
Also, can you share your story with Essence? While it offers great reads, somehow Scandal and Mary Jane are glorified a bit too much, and I fear it may become the norm.
I met a married man once and guess what???? He told me he was married before we even got to the first date and I told him to lose my number and I lost his…simple.
It’s the other persons fault if they know that the person they’re dealing with is married and they continue in the relationship. And whoever is doing the cheating it is definitely their fault for compromising their marriage and they have to deal with the consequences. It’s almost never the victim’s (husband/wife) fault. People cheat because of their greediness, especially men. Cheating is a choice that you have plenty of time to NOT make.
Amen!
Thank you for being honest about what happened. It takes a lot of courage to reveal your shortcomings to others (especially people you don’t know). I myself was “side chick” and I openly refer to myself as that because what I did was dead wrong. I tried to justify it because I dated the guy before she did and it broke my heart when he dumped me and starting dating her. I thought it was sweet revenge when 1 year in their relationship he started showing interest in me again and I definitely didn’t fight him off. The point is, that we always try to find an excuse for what we know is wrong, and if we are honest we know down in our SPIRIT we are out of line. It doesn’t matter if we want to talk about the man or the woman, both played their part and are guilty. After I gave my life to the Lord, I vowed to live my life in a way that if it was a book my children could read it.
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Thank u for sharing. Insightful.
MJ did make me wonder y it was being promoted to b number 2 and b the sidechick (regardless of love or the man leaving their wife for u). But it and ur article has made me think a bit n i’m happy to b thinking about this more and the effect it could have on someone in the future. Thank u!
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From: Ontario
Name : Erianna Moric
I’ve been a side chick in my early 30’s and would never do it again. I was fresh out of a turbulent relationship and thought I met a decent guy. He didn’t let me know he was married until feelings were invested. Once he told me I didn’t stop seeing him due to my own selfishness! Later I started thinking about his wife and how I wouldn’t want this to be me, I ended it. After a year or so later he contacted me for a date (still married), I told him I was married & 8mos pregnant..he acted as if he was devastated. I didn’t beat myself up to bad because we all fall short, but I did ask for forgiveness and moved on. Once married I didn’t wonder if my husband was/is doing the exact same thing because of my indiscretion..I feel if you want to cheat either you will or you won’t. I’m not proud of my past actions, but again you live and you learn!
Men have always had side chicks, such as concubines which in the bible it was allowed
So true. Glamorizing this behavior is Satans plan/snare.
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