It might seem a bit unorthodox to have an emergency plan in place for a relationship. It may even seem like inviting trouble into your relationship.
You are probably thinking that if you do have a plan, there will be too many emotions involved at the moment to consider it. But just like any other emergency, there are emotions and we must still act courageously. In school and at most places of employment, there are emergency evacuation plans. Someone is usually in charge of making sure everyone follows the plan and remains safe.
During the fire drills in both of these settings things usually go very smoothly. Thank God I have never had to experience a real emergency on the job or during school. I wonder if during a real emergency if co-workers and/or students will be able to remember the plan and follow procedure.
What if we created a plan for our relationships – a list to follow on what to do in case of emergency?
By emergency, I don’t mean life or death situations, but situations that could possibly threaten the foundation of the relationship. For example lack of communication, infidelity, financial struggles, addictions (sex, alcohol or drugs) and illness.
The very best time to discuss or create anything in regards to our relationship is when things are going well. Of course it is easier to think rationally at that time. Using this time to have a conversation with our mate about what we will do if ________ happens is the first step.
For example, how would we handle a spouse’s affair? Will the relationship end right then and there or is there a possibility of forgiveness? If willing to forgive, what needs to happen in order to move forward? Does knowing details about the affair help? Will counseling provide a better outlet to cope with this betrayal? What needs to take place to trust again? These are all important questions, which each mate can think about now. All the while we’re keeping our marriages in prayer that these questions never have to be asked or answered.
Another plan to already have in place is in regard to finances. What happens when there is job loss? Are there savings in place now for those rainy days? Have we already considered what we would cut back on if finances change? Is there a financial planner/advisor somewhere in the mix to help take care of our money?
What about addictions or illnesses. If a partner changes or becomes ill, how will this affect the relationship? What is needed in order to take care of that spouse? Is there already a support system in place, like family, we can lean on? Do we encourage our partners to keep up with yearly doctor exams? And together are we taking the very best care of ourselves and each other?
It is easy to take care of a relationship when everything is fine. But how we take care of it when there are challenges is the true test. Having some idea on how to handle certain situations will definitely make a difference. Of course it isn’t foolproof, because as mentioned above, we don’t quite know for sure where our emotions will lead us. But there is no doubt that, even when times are the toughest, the plan will be considered, even in the moment.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
KenS says
I like the idea and I do think it’s a good idea to come up with a rational plan in case things get crazy.
BUT, I honestly don’t see how you can plan on infidelity. I think it’s naive to think that a couple a can make a pre-decision on what follows after infidelity. Folks have no idea what their reaction would be to such an abuse of trust.
Make a road map during the good times to help navigate during the challenging times ? Absolutely! Include how to deal with infidelity in that road map and expect it to work? Absolutely not…homey don’t play that.
KenS says
…regarding planning on what to do when infidelity happens, I’ve got a radical idea that may may not be very popular by today’s standards: Remain faithful!! Honor the promise in your vows to your spouse and God.
Slynnbut says
I TOTALLY agree! I don’t want to even travel down that road. I don’t know what I would do…my mouth says I will leave but my heart may make me weak. I always say that people who survive affairs and move forward are really strong. That has to be one of the most difficult things to deal with. I think is one of those things you just can’t plan for, and you shouldn’t have to. The vowels said..richer or poor…sickness and health…but I don’t recall any part about infidelity…EXCEPT FORSAKING ALL OTHERS!!! But the reality is some people fall short. I just think telling someone what to do to make the relationship work IF they cheat is kind of dangerous.
CoaCoaKure says
LMBO @ KenS…”homey don’t play that”! Hilarious but so true. You can’t really predict how you will react to infidelity.
Harriet Hairston says
I agree with what everyone said regarding adultery and illness. It’s imperative to remain faithful and committed to your relationship for worse, sickness, poorer, etc.
However, what about abuse (emotional or physical)? I think it’s important to get out of dodge for the safety of all involved.
Tiya says
Harriet, I do agree with the emotional or physical situation (get away as fast as possible for your safety).
KnotChocolate says
It’s tough to plan for some of these situations. And I know my husband – he’s very much “go with the flow”. Even if I wanted to do this, he’d never go for it.
Lisalovessummer says
If you joined by God whose mercy sustians us, nothing can be unfogivable. After all, “love keeps no record of wrongs and never fails.”
Harriet Hairston says
This is so true. There are things that are inexcusable, but not unforgiveable. HOWEVER (and this is a big “but”), I think that’s the very statement that keeps men and women in abusive relationships that are no good for them or their children.
A lot of people have stayed in abusive relationships because they:
1. didn’t want to raise their children in single parent homes;
2. thought the abuse would either end or diminish;
3. felt the Lord was leading them to stay because of the scripture you quoted and many more scriptures (more to follow on this in another article).
In my mind, there is nothing wrong with forgiveness. In fact, it’s imperative. However–and I’m not saying you’re doing this–we can’t throw around Bible verses as umbrellas. Sometimes it’s necessary to forgive and keep it moving for the sake of all involved. It’s a sad, tragic and unfortunate fact.
*sigh*