Dear Dr. Buckingham, I came across your email through a blog and I am seeking advice. About three weeks ago, I found out that my fiancé of 10 months (dated for 12) cheated on me and got another woman pregnant. This has been the roughest 3 weeks of my life. He told me the news after she reached out and told him and they supposedly did a paternity test. I don’t even know what to believe anymore, if it was indeed a one-night stand as he claims.
Of course, I can’t be with a man like that. He broke me to pieces, the ultimate betrayal…so much invested time. My Fiancé Impregnated Another Woman: Should I Invest More Time in Him?
Ms. Broken in Pieces
Dear Ms. Broken in Pieces,
I am sorry that you have been betrayed and feel so broken. Your fiancé’s behavior is irresponsible on so many levels. First, he cheated. Secondly, he impregnated another woman, which means that he did not protect himself or you. Third, he did not come forward and share until the situation could not be hidden any longer. I highlight these behavioral flaws, not as means to judge him, but to encourage you to pay attention to his behavioral patterns. I do not believe that anyone should be persecuted for making one mistake, but a pattern of behavior is different.
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Your decision to invest more time in him should be based on your ability to trust him again. If you cannot find it in your heart to forgive him and cope with the child, you should move on. The worst thing that you can do is to remain with him because of the time already invested. You stated, “So much invested time.”
I understand that you have spent close to two years in the relationship. While this time is significant, please keep in mind that “I Do” comes with a lifetime expectation. It is better to lose 22 months that to suffer for 22 years. I am not saying that your relationship cannot be saved, but it will require some praying, counseling, and constant self-reflection on your behalf. So many women make the mistake of staying in bad situations because of “time served.”
You have been committed to him, but unfortunately, he has not been committed to you. Time served does not mean that you have to serve time. Let me explain.
Do not move forward if you will feel confined and trapped mentally and emotionally. If you doubt yourself and him on a consistent basis it will feel like you are in prison. If you cannot live with freedom in your mind and heart, you will not be able to live freely in the relationship.
You owe it to yourself to seek professional counseling. Let your fiancé know that you need time and will not tolerate being pressured. Also, do not make any decisions until you are emotionally stable and have thoroughly considered the pros and cons of staying or leaving. Lastly, stay prayed up so that you can get lifted up.
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.