So you’ve had the infidelity bomb dropped on you huh? Me too! And you’ve decided to give things another shot and work on your marriage. Me too!
But, you still wonder, is taking your spouse back the right choice. Well, let me ask a couple questions.
Does your spouse still withhold the truth even after the infidelity has been discovered? Is your spouse not taking the necessary steps to win back your trust and settle your discomforts? So what do you do?
In the majority of cases, you know instinctively what to do, especially women—its a sixth sense for us—but we must TRUST OUR INTUITION!
But if a mixed bag of feelings, such as love, pride, hurt, sorrow, rage and remorse are blocking your intuition receptors, then there are a few things you should also examine.
1. Does your spouse respect your right to feel how you feel?
Expect your feelings to become an emotional roller coaster—if they haven’t gone awry already. I’m speaking from experience so there’s no judgement. Yes, I’ve been in your shoes! I’m not saying this to scare you, rather to prepare and equip you. It can be scary going from totally put together to feeling like every fiber of your being is unraveling.
ALL of your feelings are normal and valid for someone who’s been betrayed by infidelity. It doesn’t matter if the affair was emotional and/or sexual. Pain is pain. So don’t let anyone tell you your feelings are invalid…especially the wayward spouse (the spouse who cheated)!
All too often, the wayward spouse seems to believe the betrayed spouse should simply “get over it”! Well, typically the first three months following full disclosure (disclosing EVERYTHING the betrayed spouse desires to know) of the affair are usually characterized by numbness, coldness, intense pain and shock.
It is unreasonable and unfair for a spouse to think this should be in the past. It’s like saying to your spouse who has been hospitalized with numerous broken bones from a bad car accident, “forget about it, your injuries happened yesterday.” Seriously!?
You have a right to feel pain and hurt, and if your spouse isn’t understanding of that (even after you point it out), he or she may not be ready to heal this relationship.
2. Are you trusting your truth?
I say this because the wayward spouse is likely to apologize. Yet, you have to discern if they are giving you lip service or if they really mean it. Do you believe in your heart and at your core that your spouse is SINCERE in their apology? I mean sincere beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I encourage you to sit with this one for a moment, and whatever you do…don’t lie to yourself!
You must trust your truth, meaning trust your instinct. Be sure not to force the truth rather embrace it, and most of all, be cautious NOT to lie to yourself for the sake of the marriage! You know what I mean…”oh he has changed” but you know deep down inside you don’t believe a word of the bull!
3. Does your spouse understand that actions speak louder than words?
It is not acceptable for your spouse to simply say they are sorry, and it won’t happen again, rather they need to show you. Actions speak louder than words, yes? Especially in this case!
Now don’t get me wrong, a combination of both would be great. However, the focus needs to be action oriented.
Again, think back to the analogy of the car accident, in which we all know injuries can persist long after the initial incident. In an infidelity, those injuries sustained can have deep and long-lasting emotional effects. When those injuries have not healed yet, you or you spouse can’t dismiss that “living nightmare” as simply the “past.”
And really it is not just the past for your spouse either. The wayward spouse needs to learn why this occurred and what’s going to be different to prevent it from happening again; otherwise there is a high likelihood of a re-occurrence.
Read 10 Honest (and Some Ugly) Reasons Why Your Spouse Cheated
Once, you both understand what holes and miscommunications in your relationships opened the door to the infidelity, the wayward spouse must make bold actions to make sure that door doesn’t open again.
For instance, is your spouse calling you every day on the way home from work to let you know his whereabouts? Is your spouse avoiding problematic social gatherings if you can’t be in attendance with him or her? Does your spouse allow you access to go through their phone, computer history, etc.?
I personally believe a spouse who participates in infidelity has lost their right to complete privacy regarding electronics, phone bills, time and spending, until they have earned back your trust.
If your spouse truly wants to heal your marriage after an affair, your spouse MUST be committed to taking every action to win back your trust and make you feel confident and secured again in your marriage.
Read How Our Marriage Became Better After Two Affairs
4. Is your spouse open to talking about the affair?
Talking about the affair is a major part of healing. Sometimes, wayward spouses want to avoid talking about their affairs because it rehashes their feelings of guilt and betrayal…Or it could be a sign that those spouses are still hiding something. If your spouse won’t discuss the affair or allow you to have answers, then allow this to serve as BIG RED FLAG!!!
Read 5 Reasons He Wants to Avoid Talking about His Affair at All Costs
6. Is your spouse willing to get help?
A marriage takes three! And I don’t mean in the case of the affair, rather the three I’m referring to is God partnered with both spouses. God should be present in your relationship always, and if you’re partner is not willing to pray with you to heal your marriage, then you have a bigger problem on your hands.
In addition to God’s help in your marriage, couples should be open to seeking help from therapists, marriage books, other couples and online resources. Reviving a marriage after an infidelity is a hard work. Believe me, I know. So your best bet is to enlist every tool you have to help repair the structure that the affair tore apart.
I would strongly suggest sharing this article with your spouse, perhaps it will help them to understand what it takes to heal a relationship.
Restoring trust may take awhile, but it is possible if BOTH parties are dedicated to it. If your spouse is COMPLETELY HONEST and forthcoming while correcting all behaviors, like in the case of my marriage, you can have TRUE Love After Adultery!
BMWK, could you take a spouse back after an infidelity? What would be your requirements?
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