This past weekend the new show, It’s Not You It’s Men, premiered on the OWN network. I absolutely love discussions surrounding love and relationships. So you can imagine my excitement. Having a whole 1 hour show on that very topic, hosted by Tyrese and Rev Run, had me psyched.
As with most new shows, Twitter was abuzz about the conversation and one topic in particular. On the show, Tyrese mentioned how bad sex could ruin a relationship and why saving yourself for marriage may not be the best idea for that reason.
I instantly Tweeted that bad sex could be fixed. I strongly believe that if the love is strong enough, that couple could overcome anything. After my Tweet, I had an interesting reply and one that caused me to think.
A young lady responded by saying you could “try” to fix bad sex. I answered there were just too many resources not to be able to fix the intimacy in your marriage, especially when you have a partner who’s worth it. Her last reply is the reason for this post, “yes, ur partner (man) is worth it; however, if he doesn’t accept, respect or recognize her experiences, then it can’t be fixed.”
She was absolutely correct. If both partners don’t recognize the intimacy is broken or aren’t willing to change, it won’t improve. Her comment and the show itself made me wonder what actually makes sex “bad.”
Sex and intimacy should be enjoyable for both partners. When it isn’t, there are actions the couple can take. It’s important to first recognize what’s actually missing. Here are 4 things that could be missing from your sex life and how to spice it up.
It ends too quickly
If it ends too quickly, for example, this could affect how often that couple actually has sex. It’s important to get to the root of the problem.
The Fix: According to psychresearch.com, if the husband is reaching his climax too quickly, it may actually help if the sex was more frequent, suggesting more than once a day. This isn’t always realistic, but a wife making her husband wait too long for sex could be having a greater impact than she realizes.
It lasts too long
On the other hand, what If it lasts too long? This one may not seem like a problem to some. However, longer doesn’t always represent good or exciting. If this is your challenge, you may want to start by removing mental distractions.
Our brains are moving a mile a minute and may make it difficult to be present and in the moment. Intimacy is too important for marriage.
The Fix: It’s crucial that couples give it their time, energy, and complete focus. Couples must also be intentional about foreplay. Arousal could happen before you begin. By touching in all the right places, talking a little dirty, and just focusing on enjoying this time of intimacy will enhance your lovemaking.
A spouse may also dread sex with their partner if it’s painful. This one could be more serious in nature as there may be a medical issue. We must know our bodies and remember sex should feel good. When it doesn’t, we must take care of us first.
The Fix: Yearly physicals and pap smears are both necessary to a healthy body and good sex. Don’t ignore the messages your body may be sending.
Finally, what happens if it’s boring? If you find yourself in this space, ask yourself what specifically it is that makes it boring. Does your mind drift? Is it routine in the same place every time?
The Fix: It can add to the excitement when you switch it up a bit. Different room or different positions could make it more fun. Also, working on your outside of the bedroom connection is equally important. It has a greater impact than we think.
Outside of the bedroom is where real intimacy begins anyway. It’s in how you talk to your spouse. How you look into their eyes. When you touch, there should be something special. A tingly feeling, something. If that’s missing, you both may need to take a few steps back to recreate that magic. Date nights, reconnecting over healthy communication, and stimulating each other’s minds are perfect places to begin.
Marriages have overcome infidelity, loss, unemployment, and financial devastation, so I know it can overcome bad sex. Again, that can only happen when both partners recognize it could be better and take action.
BMWK, what are your thoughts, can a couple fix bad sex in their marriage?