What comes to mind when you hear the word “intimacy”? Do you think of marriage, sex, friendship, affection, familiarity, or something else altogether? Regardless of what words you associate with intimacy, close relationships require it to truly be authentic.
Unfortunately, we often block intimacy with our own actions, words, and thoughts. It is easy to see how verbal or physical abuse, poor communication, dishonesty, and selfishness would drive two people apart, but there are also individual habits that undermine attempts to build intimacy.
This latter group of “intimacy-killers” are incubated internally but manifested externally. They do a great deal of damage if left unchecked and can counteract the peace and contentment we seek in our relationships.
While my list of five intimacy-killers is certainly not exhaustive, it should prompt us all to examine ourselves to determine whether we are subconsciously sabotaging our own relationships.
1. Past experiences
It is critically important to acknowledge both the short and long-term effects of past experiences because failing to release mental and emotional baggage can weigh us down in new relationships. For example, while being guarded with your thoughts and feelings seems wise when dating someone who is verbally abusive, continuing that practice with someone who wants to be nurturing and supportive will limit your ability to build intimacy in that relationship.
Tip: This is why I believe a period of self-reflection is necessary after the end of any serious relationship. This allows us to not only assess the ways in which we have been hurt, but to also be honest about the ways in which we have hurt others. Hopefully this time of introspection will include an attempt to forgive””both others and ourselves.
2. Unsupportive friends and family
Relationships can also be damaged when we let ill-informed, ill-equipped, or ill-intentioned loved ones serve as relationship advisers. The pain of past experiences often limits their ability to see our situations clearly. This is particularly dangerous because we tend to trust the people closest to us and assume they have our best interests in mind.
Tip: While this may be true in theory, in reality people who don’t share your relationship vision are in no position to help you reach your relationship goals.
3. Complaining and discontentment
Anyone who has ever had to spend an extended period of time with a complainer will understand why the inability to be content is an intimacy-killer. I have met very few people who yearn to be around someone who is constantly in a bad mood, whines, or has a negative disposition and outlook on life.
Constantly complaining to, or about, a spouse or significant other is no different. There is nothing wrong with voicing disappointment or disapproval when something or someone has not met your expectations, but chronic complainers rarely ever have any suggestions about how to improve a particular situation. The root of complaining is often an inability to be content. Contentment in this case is not settling for mediocrity. It is being in a state of peaceful happiness or finding a sense of satisfaction with a certain level of achievement or good fortune.
Tip: We drive away people who desire to know us more intimately when we constantly focus on what we don’t have instead of being thankful for what we do have.
4. Unhealthy media images
There is no shortage of relationship advice available online, in print, and via television and radio. Sometimes this advice is useful but oftentimes it plays on harmful stereotypes or oversimplifies complex relationship issues.
Consuming too much negative media can be extremely harmful to our relationship health. There is a fine line between being well-informed and becoming paranoid, and sometimes we forget that predicting human behavior is more art than science.
Some of the same principles that apply to friends and family are also applicable to our most trusted media sources. For instance, there are some people who accept the opinions of Steve Harvey and Oprah Winfrey as gospel. While they may dispense helpful information at times, we do ourselves a disservice by acting as if the people we are in relationships with are carbon copies of characters in books or guests on television shows. For example, a woman who believes she has learned to “think like a man” might get a rude awakening when she comes to find that she still has not figured out how to think like her man.
5. Fear and negative thinking
The last intimacy-killer is often the by-product of the first four and is by far the most dangerous. Fear and negative thinking can cause us to question whether a seemingly good relationship will last and prevents us from being able to confidently receive love and affection.
For example, the looming presence of a past relationship, coupled with a lack of contentment and media that reinforce a particular relationship worldview, can cause a person to see a mate’s minor imperfections as major deal-breakers and prematurely exit their relationship. That is the real power of fear: it impedes progress by making us overestimate the power of life’s obstacles, while underestimating our own ability to face and overcome life’s challenges.
In relationships, sometimes the fear we experience is not due to anxiety about failure, but rather worry about how to handle success. This fear can be particularly strong when you’ve had a series of failed relationships and begin to see them as a reflection of your own self-worth and desirability. This is not to say that positive thinking alone will guarantee positive relationship outcomes, but the quality of our thoughts often limits our quest for intimacy more than our desire and abilities.
Overcoming habits that block intimacy starts with an honest look at the things we do, say, and think. There are certainly other ways to erode intimacy in relationships, but these five are important because they deal with the only people in relationships we have the ability to control””ourselves.
BMWK, do any of these “intimacy-killers” threaten your relationship? What others would you add to the list? How do you combat the things that threaten intimacy in your relationship?
Michelle Wanamaker says
This article was well written and very clear! I loved it and I’ve passed it on to many of my friends single and married!! Thanks for the wonderful READ!
Keeshab2002 says
I find that one MAJOR misconception is the 50-50 rule, where the understanding is that both parties bring 50% to a relationship and things will be equal and thus, flourish. Intimacy, for women (and I’m speaking from a woman’s point of view, since that’s what I am) is so connected to our mind and spirit, that the body come’s in at third place. The more complete we feel, the more intimate we can be, freely and happily. To my sister’s, when you’re not feeling intimate, isn’t there usually something else going on? To my brother’s, if your partner isn’t being as intimate as you’d like, get into her thoughts and I can almost guarantee an increase in the level of intimacy. We know often times you guys may not be able to “fix it”, but there is a lot to be said for us feeling deep down that our partner cares about what concerns us, and that causes us to appreciate our partners so much more! My proposed answer, if each partner is mature, focused, and in touch with their values and what’s important to them, they can each bring 100% to a relationship and increase the chances of the relationships success. This is why reflection after each relationship or life changing transition (down time) is important for us as individuals to refocus on our next steps and be able to give attention to our partners (intimacy) as necessary. My name is Keesha, and I approve this message! Good article Mr. Squires!
Keeshab2002 says
I find that one MAJOR misconception is the 50-50 rule, where the understanding is that both parties bring 50% to a relationship and things will be equal and thus, flourish. Intimacy, for women (and I’m speaking from a woman’s point of view, since that’s what I am) is so connected to our mind and spirit, that the body come’s in at third place. The more complete we feel, the more intimate we can be, freely and happily. To my sister’s, when you’re not feeling intimate, isn’t there usually something else going on? To my brother’s, if your partner isn’t being as intimate as you’d like, get into her thoughts and I can almost guarantee an increase in the level of intimacy. We know often times you guys may not be able to “fix it”, but there is a lot to be said for us feeling deep down that our partner cares about what concerns us, and that causes us to appreciate our partners so much more! My proposed answer, if each partner is mature, focused, and in touch with their values and what’s important to them, they can each bring 100% to a relationship and increase the chances of the relationships success. This is why reflection after each relationship or life changing transition (down time) is important for us as individuals to refocus on our next steps and be able to give attention to our partners (intimacy) as necessary. My name is Keesha, and I approve this message! Good article Mr. Squires!
Lucy Pannell says
I completely agree with you. Great comments…
Stephanie L. says
Loved this article.
I think you’re point number 2 is very interesting. Often, we look to people, perticularly our contemporaries for help with our relationships, and don’t take into account that these people have issues of their own when it comes to relationships. We all too often carry their perspectives as biblical truth when, in reality, the only truth that exists in your relationship is within that relationship. Others just murky the waters.
Very well written, Delano.
Careli878 says
“people who dont share your relationship vision are in no position to help you reach your relationship goals”–AMEN!
M. Roc says
“I believe a period of self-reflection is necessary after the end of any serious relationship. This allows us to not only assess the ways in which we have been hurt, but to also be honest about the ways in which we have hurt others. Hopefully this time of introspection will include an attempt to forgive—both others and ourselves.”
I think this is the most vital thing you can do in growing as a person, especially for the sake of future relationships. Good article Mr. Squires.
Ayana says
#2 is the truth, the truth, the truth!!! That is why I am very limited in what I share with people regarding my marriage! For the most part you need to keep folks out of your business! If you must talk to somebody about things that are going on with you and your spouse, choose that person wisely. I don’t mean any harm, but a single girlfriend is not in the position to advise you on your marriage. What I notice about alot of single women is how quick they are to advise a person to throw in the towel and give up on their marriage. No sir, find somebody who understands that things happen in marriages and that quitting at the first, second or third sign of trouble is not an option. Find someone who is objective and able to see your side and his, not someone who will co-sign with everything you say. Find someone who is not bitter about their past, because a bitter person filters everything they think and say through their own hurt. Keep in mind that misery loves company and there are folks that would love to see what you have fall apart, so guard what you have by keeping your mouth shut with the most folks.
@LeeNPR says
Nice work, bro. So easy to let your past dictate your future, if you’re not careful. Also, you’re right, no one wants to be with a human (I don’t care how beautiful) “complaint factory.” Sadly, I’ve also found #2 (I know i’m not going in order, forgive me) to be true… look at the fruit of other people’s relationship s– or the lack thereof — before absorbing their advice … for better, or for worse. keep dropping your insight…
Anonymous says
Excellent article! I think this is one of the best relationship articles out right now. I’m sick of the finger-pointing, stereotypical, blaming-the-other-sex for problems. Self-reflection is a must if we are to move forward in healthy and happy relationships.
Smc211psu says
As single women we often long for intimacy with a man. As the below quote suggest, our thought patterns can sometimes get in the way of experiencing that. I know this is TOTALLY NOT what the article is about, but, …I’d like to take this quote out of context MOMENTARILY & shine a different light on it to make a LARGER point! *LOL*
The Quote:
“…This is not to say that positive thinking alone will guarantee positive relationship outcomes, but the quality of our thoughts often limits our quest for intimacy more than our desire and abilities.”
Not sure what comes to your mind when you read that? (The Blog Post can help you examine that.) But, did you ever think about HOW MUCH the God of the Universe wants to be in intimate (close) relationship with YOU!?
He says to Jeremiah in the Bible:“I knew you before I formed you in your mothers womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you…” And, He says the same to you, Anna—”When you feel discouraged or inadequate, remember that God has always thought of you as valuable and that He has a purpose in mind for you.” Because we’re dealing with our thought patterns with The Valanna Challenge, I thought it’d be worth it to examine our own, (what the Blog describes as), “intimacy-killers” when it comes to intimacy with, (or, relating to), GOD. After all, He gave up His only Son to have YOU in His family!…He loves you THAT MUCH!
The Evidence:
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16
9 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,†and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. Romans 10:9-10
We can talk about the meaning of these scriptures more if you’d like, but, I want to go back to part of the original quote briefly, and, share one more scripture with you:
“…the quality of our thoughts often limits our quest for intimacy more than our desire and abilities.”
The Challenge:
Considering this quote in the context of having an intimate relationship w/God, we must ask ourselves: What thoughts am I thinking that would hinder me from receiving this LOVE from God, The Father? How do discouragement/my perceived inadequacies block the intimate relationship that He wants to have with me as His daughter?
God has already shown that He loves YOU and, desires to have a relationship with you. Whatever your questions/fear/failures, can you humbly ask: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. Psalm 139:23-24 Selah.
(V. Tate)
Cynthia says
Excellent article and so true. The application can be challenging but so worth the effort and hard work.
LT says
Thank you for this article and for the comments, I myself have been in one or more of these positions in my past and can see some of it in my present. Its refreshing and nice to hear some reassurnace and good info.
RM says
I have to say, I miss my husband. We are going through a divorce and I wish with all my heart we could be back together, we both sabotaged or relationship and distance played a huge part in us being apart. For the longest time he was trying to get me to get “on board” so to speak but I let to many outside things keep me from believing in us and God only. As a result he gave up which at that point, of course, it was too late when I realized what I was losing. I will always love him. So if any of you are partaking in these behaviors – STOP! You might very well might loose what don’t realize what you actually have – until its gone.
CoaCoakure says
100% in agreement with Ayana!!! People will get all up in your business and destroy what you have if you allow them to. As you stated…if you must share with someone, chose very wisely. For example…that older couple who has been married for 20+ years and are still happy. They can tell you how to weather the storm because I’m sure they have experienced stormy days.