Last week I went into the bank to deposit some money. As I looked at my deposit slip, I noticed that the bank had my last name wrong. Instead of using my hyphenated last name they had simply put my married last name, Warren. Perturbed by their mistake, I calmly told the teller the mistake and she instructed me to take a seat and wait on someone in customer service who could better help me.
Luckily, I was quickly helped my a young man who was pleasant..that was until I told him the reason I was in his office. I needed for them to add my hyphenated name to my account.
All of a sudden his whole demeanor changed and I could tell he was uptight about something. He reluctantly handled my request. Before I left he made a joke and said,”You women really like that hyphenated name thing don’t they Mrs. Warren?”
Before I could help myself I turned to him and said, “We sure do. But my name is actually Lane-Warren.” I didn’t wait on a reply from him but just like a thousand times before, somebody always has something negative to say whenever they find out I choose to hyphenate my name.
Who knew that a hyphenated last name could bother people (especially men) so much that it makes them comment. Five years ago when I got married I made the decision to keep my last name. I did it for a variety of reasons but mainly I liked the way it sounded.
It seemed more powerful in business meetings and who could resist not knowing who this person was with two last names. However ever since I went and got my name changed, certain people have always taken issue with this move.
This is even the case for members of my own family. Everybody from my brother in-law to my mother ALL have an opinion on the fact that I decided NOT to drop my last name and instead just added my husband’s name. My husband rolls his eyes, I laugh at the foolishness, and thereby the drama continues.
I laugh at the foolishness, and thereby the drama continues.
Some people question if I did it to make a feminist statement. Was I trying to make a point that I was independent? Or did I do it as some power play in my marriage?
No, I did it because I wanted to and because my husband could have cared less. Truthfully I’ve known since I was teenager that I would be one of those women. You know, the woman who bucks tradition and keeps her last name.
As I got older and earned accolades, I decided that it would be easier because my degrees are in my maiden name and it would just make the whole ‘name change’ process easier. So anticipating this may be an issue with my husband, when we got engaged we discussed it. He wasn’t ‘thrilled’ about it, but he understood and said that “small things” like that don’t matter in a marriage.
We were getting married because we loved one another not because I needed his last name.
I remember a week after we were married, I went down to the Social Security office and did exactly what I had been planning to do …I added my husband’s last name to mine. I should have anticipated the venom that some people had for women like me, because as soon as I sat down with the clerk she rolled her eyes and remarked, “So you’re one of THOSE women?” I smirked and replied that I sure was and gave her a mean eye roll so she knew that I was confident in my decision.
But after five years of snarky comments, eye rolls, and countless questions, I want to know what’s the big deal?
What does it say about a woman who hyphenates her name or who decides to fully drop her maiden name and opt for her husband’s name?
There’s no difference and it all comes down to personal choice and life situations. For example, my brother has 3 daughters and no sons. So I’m hopeful his girls all want to hyphenate their maiden and married names just to keep our family name ‘alive’. Are they wrong? Of course not. Will them keeping their maiden names make them ‘high maintenance’ or silly?
I think not.
Instead, I think when people make big deals about trivial things (like name changes, etc) they are ignoring the real work of marriage — living and growing together as a couple. In the five years we’ve been married, my husband and I have never had a fight about me not changing my last name. Instead we argue about real things that can have the ability to break apart a marriage.
I’ve just resolved that for the next 80 years I will have to defend (to outsiders) why I choose to keep my last name. I’m used to it and say my whole name with pride.
Hopefully my daughter and nieces will use me as an example to make decisions that are good in their marriage despite what people may say.
BMWK — Did you hyphenate your last name upon marriage?
It’s no big deal, really. I hyphenated my last name and my husband didn’t care. I’ve never gotten the “look” from anyone regarding it either. If they have an issue…..oh well. Life goes on and my marriage is more than GOOD! : )
I laughed when I read your “About the Author” section. Obviously somebody didn’t get the memo…
So I’m not the only one who caught that 🙂
I caught that as well. Lol.
THIS!!! I was like… um….
I also noticed that.
I did too!
I don’t care about anybody’s name. As African Americans, many/most of us carry the names of former slave owners, so what is in a name anyway? People don’t like to take it there, but hey, that’s reality.
I changed my name about 6 months after I married my husband. I was 25 and I had just earned my Master’s degree. I ended up changing my middle name to my maiden name and taking his last name. My biggest reason is that I wanted to have the same name as our future children and I wanted there to be no doubt that we were married. With 70% of Black children being born out of wedlock, I wanted it to be clear that we are married. Plus, I really don’t care about these two Euro names that most definitely belong to someone who exploited my ancestors.
But that’s just me…
Amen to that Keeley (like the name)! Most of our last names are slave names anyway, so what difference does it make if we keep our maiden name or take our husband’s last name. As long as BOTH parties are happy, that’s all that matters!
Funny thing is when I got married the first time, I hyphenated. I’m glad that I did. It made returning to my “former” name a lot easier when we divorced. But this second & FINAL time, I knew that I was ready to drop my maiden. I had not ties to keeping my maiden name (my children don’t have my maiden name). I decided to drop it to honor my husband and I took his name. It mattered to him…
This article amused me because I had the opposite thing happen to me at my bank. I did NOT hyphenate my name, but took my maiden name as my middle name as my MIDDLE name. The bank had problems finding my account information because someone at the back took it upon themselves to HYPENATE my name. That was a bit annoying because I never gave them authorization to do that.
I have no particular problem with women who want to do the hyphen, but I think it COULD be seen (by a husband or other family members) as a quiet signal that (1) you are resisting your husband’s influence and authority (and YES, he does have authority in the marriage, as do you!) or (2) you are having challenges “leaving and cleaving”.
I might be stretching this but that is only because I, myself, confess that I had some initial struggles with giving up my maiden name. Out of all my siblings, I was the only one to marry and bear children. But I am female and therefore, traditionally speaking, the family name seems to be ending with my generation. I had/have very strong ties to my family of origin and desired in some way to continue to see that name live on in my line.
In the end, I chose to honor my birth family by using my maiden name as my middle name while still honoring my husband by taking his name. I publicly sign my married name with the quiet understanding that my family of origin’s name still lives somewhere there in the middle! That worked for me.
If I ever get married, I will hyphen my last name. For one it is no one business but mine and my husband. Two my children’s last name is the same as mine. Three there are not many males left in my family to carry on our last name. Four it is a personal decision and matter what the reason it is no body’s elses business……
I kept my last name and added my husbands because although it was a first and only marriage for both of us we already had children from previous relationships and werent planning to add anymore. My children have my last name and they were still in school when we married. I wanted to keep the connection to my children (school, doctor’s) and create a connection with my husband.
My husband was very supportive and my children liked that we still shared our name!
I hyphenated my name for two reasons…..1. My father was an only child, both of his parents are deceased and he had two girls, one of which changed her name when she married. I chose to keep the family name alive. My husband has no issue with that. 2. my maiden name is fun and I like it! It is that simple.
I thought it was hilarious that she did all that in this article, then was referred to as “Francesca Warren” in the About the Author section. Ironic…
I hyphenated to an EXTREMELY long last name…Williams-Rodriguez. My husband of 5 years still doesn’t like that I did, and will make his own snide remarks every now and then…even though we discussed it prior to marriage. My decision was final. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and she has my last name (Williams). So, it was important to me for our household to also represent her (since after marriage, there would be 3 Rodriguez’ in the household). I wanted her to have something to identify with. Also, my dad had 4 girls and no one to carry on his name, so I wanted keep it going in honor of him. That being said, the law also allows you to create a completely NEW LAST NAME as long as it is a combination of both persons current last name. I thought that was a great compromise, but husband disagreed…because HE didn’t want to lose his lineage. I get the snide remarks and my parents only acknowledge the Rodriguez portion of my name.
Wow…I’ve had a few remarks here and there about adding my husband’s last name to my maiden, but not to an extreme degree where perfect strangers feel entitled enough to say something about it. Reading Francesca’s reasons for using a hyphen was like reading an entry out of my own journal, those are the same reasons I changed mine the way I did. Besides, my father passed away just 8 months before I got married, so it was of sentimental value to me. My husband had and still has absolutely no issue with it. All he asked was that somewhere, the name, Bell, should be placed in there. Sounds like a plan to me.
Ironically, the bio at the end of this article does not have hear hyphenated last name.
I think it is interesting that the author did not hyphenate her name on her blog postings.
Hyphenating my last name was kind of a truce between my husband and I. I was always one of those girls that said I was not changing my last name after marriage… in no way, form, or fashion. I was dead set on keeping my maiden name. My husband took great offense to this, so as a compromise, I hyphenated. My husband and I are fine with it, so who cares what others think!
Interesting article. I’m not married but the women in my family who are either hyphenated their last names or kept their maiden names. The children all have their father’s last name.
As someone mentioned above, many of our last names come from slave owners. In my view, last names denote ownership of some sort. By taking your husband’s last name, are you saying you’re “owned” by your husband? I don’t believe I have to or need to take on anyone’s name to honor him, our marriage or our family. To me it’s just a name.
I don’t see a problem with it. I’ve noticed the latest trend is for both the wife and husband to hyphenate their names the same way along with any children they may have. The only downside is actually saying some of these names when addressing them because some a very awkward to say.
interesting because my husband was the one that got the snide remarks because he took my name and did NOT hypenate his name at all. As a matter of fact when he went to the s.s. office and his former employer he was told that he could not take my name he clearly stated that if a woman can change her name to her husbands name why couldnt he change his to my name..nuf said
My husband is one of those that don’t like hyphenated names. He can’t understand that when I have my business, I hyphen so people can understand how I came up with the name. More importantly, we have very few men to carry the name on, I love my maiden name and I agree there are more things to get wound up about.
I am in total agreement ith this article. I hyphenate my name with pride for may reasons. My children also share my hyphenated name.
I am disappointed that they published this article without your hyphenated name though.
When I was married I hyphenated my name, however if I were to marry again I would drop my maiden and fully take my husband’s name, while I do not judge nor condem those who do hyphenate, I personally believe it is a gesture of honor. My father was the only boy in his family and I have no brothers, so to honor the family my (our) maiden is as a middle name to one of the grandchildren so to give honor to their grandparents. It is a personal choice, but in looking back I feel it is a honor to fully take the name of the man who choice me and it is a beautiful way to honor family by adding my maiden name to one or more of my children or to have it added to the names of my nieces and nephew!
*condone
I have a hypenated name, I am black British so My name is a slave name but My husband’s is not. Like the author I was a successful professional before I married My husband. I have always liked My surname and intended to keep it, not as a homage to My dad, but just because it was an important part of who I was as an educator and when I have to prove My qualifications it maintains continunity.
My son’s last name and any future children’s will also be hypenated. My husband would have preferred me to have just have taken his last name, however my compromise was hypenated or the alternative was not at all.
I have never gotten any funny looks. But åt One workplace I was told they thought I was posh until they realised I was married.
One pastor friend was offended when he found out My name was hypenated and My in-laws always send cards to Mr and Mrs Akanbi
Lastly åt the church we attend I use My husband’s surname only. Because he asked me too.
On marriage I wanted to hyphenate my husband name by taking up my mother’s maiden name as she had only had girls. My husband did not mind but refused to take the hyphenated name for himself. I initially thought this was selfish but accepted it in the end. His family and some of my family raised eyebrows over my new name but said nothing. Then I wanted my children to be named after me and after suffering through labour with me my husband simply gave in! lol. Who knows he may one day take the name but for now am content that my mother’s name will not die out and my husband accepts it.
I didn’t change my name at all. Too much hassle…I have property and a business in my maiden name and, at the time, I worked in media so I wanted to keep my by-line name. Other people are the ones with the issue; my husband and I are perfectly fine with it. Socially, people call me by his last name and I answer. Sadly, I got more crap from women about it being “disrespectful” than the men in my and my husband’s life.
I got a look….then shrugged it off. I had my maiden name for 29 years, I’d live, and I have brothers so the name is not in fear of dying. A year after we were married, my husband brought up the conversation about hyphenating my name, and he said he was shocked I didn’t want to automatically change it, but if I’d wanted to keep my name he would have been fine with it. Yeah right, I saw the look when I suggested it before we got married…lol
My family was actually offended by my choice to take my husband’s last name and totally omit my maiden name. I took on my husband’s name by choice and my sister’s in particular felt that makes me weak (fyi, they aren’t married and are older than I am). I feel it is the choice of the woman to take or not to take her husband’s last name, if she hyphenated it, good for her, if she doesn’t well good for her too. Too many people take issue with this when the important thing is the love and works that goes into a healthy marriage not the cameramen on by the woman.
I meant the name we are taking on.
I’m confused about the author section stating that she has an editing company… I see people before me were too. I digress. I think that names are not anyone’s business. You’ll call me what I tell you to whether you approve of the name or not. It is so annoying and with a name like Ressurrection, I’m always insulted. It’s frustrating but it is there loss because this kind of issue usually changes the tone of our meeting. As for my last name – I choose not to share that. My husband and I have talked about whether professionally I want to use it or not. Ultimately I don’t understand someone’s disdain with a name that doesn’t belong to them. My thoughts…
I actually still have my maiden name legally but hyphenate it with our friends and on Social Media. My husband and I talked about me keeping my maiden name for branding reasons since I am an author, due to me having a son with my last name, and because he was formerly a Muslim (hence the last name Muhammad) and I don’t want people to think that I am. We are okay with it and couldn’t care less about what other’s think.
Though not hyphenated, my maiden name is my middle name and I added my husband’s last name. Why? Because I was a Thompson before the chromosomes determined my sex, my degree has my maiden name, I wanted future generations to know their lineage, my credit was — & still is — excellent under my maiden & married name & I wanted the continuity, & there are millions of Smiths around the world, requiring that I distinguish myself as much as possible. Now married 32 years, I’m prouder than ever of my name and continue to not care what others think. Name yourself as YOU see fit.
As a man, husband, father, son, and brother I believe it to be an insult to the man and his family to have a woman not take his name and fully commit to their marriage. I think to then add insult to injury women who then pass that hyphenated name to their children are selfish and are putting their own petty wants and desires to be independent and strong willed above the importance of long established family morals and values. A woman takes her husbands name as a way to show singularity in the family and also out of pride for their new husband and marriage. When women are dreamy eyed little girls staring across the classroom at the boy they have a crush on are they repeatedly writing their imaginary married names in their notebooks with a hyphen anywhere in it or does that kind of foolishness come into their brains later in life after being infected with declining morals and values of this world. A woman who chooses not to take their husbands name just shouldn’t be getting married in the first place as they don’t seem to understand the basic ideas of a family. My wife was happy to change her name to mine and tells me of the pride she has every time she sees or signs her name. My daughters have told me they look forward to getting married some day and when they do they have already said they will be taking their husbands names and will be happy to do so and they were extremely shocked that any woman would do anything but take their husbands name.
I’m a widow, and i originally took my husbands last name. But i have been fortunate enough to fall in love again and me and my current partner have spoken about marriage & my name as i would like to hyphenate my late husbands name with my new hubby, this is to honour my late husband, and my current partner is happy to do this. So its not just ‘maiden’ names people have to consider, these people dont know the back stories of people and it is none of their business!
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Like many here I include my maiden name, more in honor of my parents whom were married for 56 years. My Dad passed 30 days after my husband proposed. I strongly believe marriage amplifies who you both are. Many others believe that honoring your husband has to do with his name. I know plenty of women who changed their names and don’t honor their marriages. My name was the title for my business – that I built before I married. I believe this is an antiquated social behavior – I am still his wife – its not like I refused to take the name at all.
I saw it in the headline when i scrolled up to see what her first name was. After reading that she had two last names.
No real man is cool with his wife hypenating his name for marriage. I don’t know any woman married to famous athletes or entertainers with hyphenated names. Its all a hypocrisy. That maiden name becomes a little less important when trying to land a man of means and/or status.
Please try to argue that, this should good…
I am going to take my finance’s last name because I hate the way my name sounds hyphenated with his. Plus, my last name is one of the top 10 most common last names in this country so I’m not worried about “keeping it alive”, it isn’t going anywhere. My fiance is also very old fashioned, so I know he’ll take issue with it if I wanted to keep it, but I don’t, so we have nothing to worry about. If her own husband doesn’t have a problem with her keeping her maiden name, then neither should anyone else. He is the only person that should have an opinion about it. I will always be in favor of minding your own business and letting people run their own marriages who they see fit, not everyone else.
I feel that a woman hyphenating her name is very disrespectful to the man. A lot of women today want to change the traditional rules that benefit a man and keep the traditional rules that benefit her. Would this same woman that wrote this article or letter have a problem in going to the justice of the peace to get married or still want the story book wedding that she has dreamed of? Would she have a problem if he wanted to change the tradition of him buying her an engagement or wedding ring to get married? She would probably have an issue with going to a courtroom to get married and not getting a diamond ring which will probably make her not marry the man because of it. Men dream about traditional things too while growing up. One of the biggest things is when he gets married and his wife and kids take on his last name. A woman taken on the man’s last name is traditional for the man and shows the ultimate sign of respect and how together you are with him. The women that claim hyphenating their last name is no big deal then why make it a big deal by hyphenating it? For me, I wouldn’t marry a woman that told me that she wanted to hyphenate her last name if we got married because I would take that as a slap in my face and know that she is not truly one with me.
Although I ( and my children) proudly carry my husband’s last name, I wanted to honor my late Daddy who used to swat flies with his hands to keep off his Babygirl in the Louisiana heat. He loved me first, unconditionally, and walked me, beaming, down the aisle and gave me away to my husband of over 25 years. I’m thankful to them both for loving me, in spite of my shortcomings, and for being the blessings they have been to me. I could never repay either, and love them both.
Most of the women I know with hyphenated names ARE married and happy women. My son has a hyphenated name. Society will adjust itself.
So that’s my comment about honoring both my late Daddy and my husband.
I forgot to mention that I dropped my birth middle name, kept my maiden last name as my middle name, and took my husband’s name as my last. But when signing anything, and any chance I get, I use all 3 names.
My husband isn’t threatened by my keeping my Dad’s last name, and my Daddy was proud of, and thankful for his son-in-law.
Ask your husband what kind of crap he gets that he doesn’t share with you.
Married over 20 years with my husbands last name. The hypenated thing I find ironic because most folk go on about “modern” reasons. Let me ask simply, if that’s the case then the man shouldn’t have to buy the ring should he? I mean…modern reasons and all….