“One day you’re going to have to give him to me!” These are the words that my husband shouted as he stormed off after having an argument about disciplining our 12 year old son. You see for years I had “babied” our son as my husband worked long shifts at his job to provide for our family. I did everything a doting mother would do. I wiped his tears when he cried, I praised him when he did something well and more importantly I loved him harder than anyone else. Hell he is my firstborn son.
When I was up long hours in college studying for exams or when I had an errand to run–he was always by my side.
However, 4 years ago I had my daughter and 15 months later I had my last child, another son. Each time upon finding out I was pregnant, my oldest son seemed to get more sullen as a way to get more attention from me. His sullenness gradually turned to small episodes of rebellion to gain more of my attention. I can remember one day he had smarted off at the mouth about a chore he had to do in order to go outside. My husband had just gotten off work and as soon as he heard my son my husband was halfway across the room to “lay the smack down”. Instead of allowing my husband to discipline him I did something I should not have done. I intervened. My husband was angry and in the heat of our argument he let me know that there would come a day when I would have to let him take over the disciplining of our son. His exact words were, “it takes a man to make a boy into a man.”
At first I was appalled at his statement. For years, I had to handle the discipline while my husband worked 12 hour shifts. Did he think I was incompetent? Was my parenting “too weak” for a boy? That night I went to bed angry and confused. Whose job was it to discipline a boy? Should a father discipline his sons or can a mother be just as effective? After a couple of days, everything went back to normal in our house, but I began to observe how my son behaved when around his Dad. To my surprise, I saw that when I wasn’t around my son seemed to “listen more” to his father. It wasn’t that he was disrespectful to me, but whenever his father told him to do something he would “jump” to get it done. While when I disciplined, he was more likely to take his time. I was mom–the understanding parent. You see before this past incident I was blind to the effect that fathers have on their sons. Yes, I could still spank him and make him fearful of doing wrong, but something had changed. It wasn’t that his voice is changing or the fact that he is growing hair all over his body, but his personality was changing. He needed the constant discipline of a man””his father.
As I thought about this change that my preteen was going through, I went to a cousin of mine who was experiencing the same thing. As I sat in her kitchen and cried because I felt as I was losing my “baby”, she gave me some real talk. She explained to me that she had to essentially let her husband discipline her boys when they became stronger than her. As she put it, “there are some things that only a Dad can teach.” As I thought about it, it all began to make sense. While my son isn’t a bad child, he is a normal 12 year old who sometimes needs to be “put in his place”. If I kept “saving him” from his Dad’s discipline, then I was going to make him a “pitiful man”.
From that point on, I stepped back in the physical discipline of our preteen. Of course I still punish him (if needed) and will put the “smack down” (if necessary) but for the most part, I let his father do this. If he wants privileges to go to the movies with a group of his friends, I defer all decisions to Dad. There is something about his Dad chastising him or making him get out in the yard and do some “hard labor” to punish him for something foolish he has done. My son seems to respond to my husband’s quiet way of discipline””even though he hates it at times. While they were close before I made this decision to stop interfering with discipline, something has changed within the last year. I notice that our son goes to his Dad now for issues he’s having. Before he would come and quietly ask me questions, but now there are times when him and his Dad go out for runs and they discuss “man stuff”.
Sure my feelings are hurt, but I understand that this evolution is part of being a man. I can teach him a lot of things but being a man is not one of them. What do you think-who is best to discipline a boy–a mother or father?
Lamar Tyler says
Great post Fran. Thanks for being real and transparent.
Franchesca Warren says
Thanks Lamar!
Stephanie says
As a mother, there are some things that I will NEVER be able to give to my son. I have not been equipped. I don’t know what it is to be a man or a father. I can only give him the nurturing and discipline that comes from being his mother. If there was no father present, I can give him what I have and then surround him with male role models to guide him and train him in the way he should go. I believe it is important for the father to be active and impart that wisdom, knowledge, discipline and even fear factor that only a father can give. Mothers have a responsibility but yes, we must remember our roles and trust the fathers to do what only a father can do.
Franchesca Warren says
I agree…I think that more of us women need to realize that..
Ronnie_BMWK says
In general, I think boys need to have that male figure in their lives to teach them how to be men, to discipline them, to show them how to respect women…all of that. From personal experience, I know my son needed it. Yes, I could give all of the financial support and love that I could give..but he really needed that male figure in his life growing up. When my husband came along…he did not know how to take a male figure being around…it was tough.
Franchesca Warren says
Yes Ronnie! It was hard for me!
Anonymous says
This is a great post. I appreciate your candor and lessons/ intentional thought offered regarding letting your husband take the lead. My son is only 3 years old and I am already learning not to intervene and to support my husband when he handles the discipline. This is not always easy because we have different approaches to discipline but our solidarity on this front is helping our son grow into a more thoughtful and accountable young man.
Franchesca Warren says
I should of never babied my son so much…it was hard for him,,
Ms. P says
Unfortunately, it becomes the job of whichever parent is available. My son’s father chose not to be a part of his life. While I agree and acknowledge wholeheartedly that, as a woman, I don’t know the first thing about teaching my son how to be a man…that I am not equipped physically nor through experience…I’m all that he has had.
I still pray that God will send men into his life with whom he will bond; men that will teach him and guide him. Although it may be a little late for the “disciplining” (as he is nearly an adult), it’s never too late for the love & caring of a father figure and it’s never too late to be taught what it means to be a man.
Franchesca Warren says
Ms. P it’s hard! Keep praying and it’ll be better!
Ramis says
Women can’t teach boys to be men anymore than a lion can teach a kangaroo how to be a kangaroo. You can do the best you can but there are just things that a boy needs to learn from a man (preferably from his father). I have a daughter and I know there are things that I could never teach her (and not just about the differences in anatomy). I was the baby of my family, my mother’s only son so I know the desire women have to cling to their sons but over-mothering doesn’t prepare a child (male or female) for life in the real world where no one is going to go out of their way to wipe tears away. Be happy at the fact that you have a husband that is there to make sure that you’re not disrespected when you use your authority.
Jackie says
Great article, I really pray that more women realize that boys do need the strong hand of their father or a positive male figure in their lives. Often times women are in roles and positions they where not designed for, thus becoming enablers, which ultimately leads to our young men growing up out of balance. This issue is much more deeper than what this article brings to light, but at least we have something to start with.
Franchesca Warren says
I like that analogy!!!
Sheree Adams says
OMG!! My husband says the same thing to me!!! Wow… M answer is Both! They need the maternal love and affection from mom to keep them human and compassionate, but they also have to learn how to “hunt”. Be brave, be smart, be savvy and learn how to be the things we look for in a [good] man…Great article. Thanks for helping me realize I’m not alone.
Franchesca Warren says
Thanks Sheree!!!
Jacqueline says
We as women and as a society need to stop downplaying the importance of the male role in the life of not just boys but girls as well. Everything my husband talked to me about concerning our son was spot on so now I fall back and let him do what only he can do.
Franchesca Warren says
I agree Jacqueline!
Niambi says
I understand that it does take a man to make a boy into a man but that doesn’t mean that a mother’s discipline should be null in void. Each parent has something to implant into their children. Otherwise, women or men wouldn’t need the other to bring a child into this world.
@yo_q_crush says
its about balance… I learned growing up there were times where my dad was the softie (incidents where it interferred with our fun times) and my mom had to jump and and literally chastise us both.
I think thats why its so necessary to discuss how the disciplining of the children will take place before it comes to that point. I dont have any children but me and my wife have conversations now about how things will be done. Its better to be prepared for the battle rather than trying to draw up a plan of attack while in the midst of it.
ef says
what a good article,men need to raise their sons.Women just can’t do I know I have a son and its get rough.
BoardroomB says
This sounds like my father. I am 28 with no children and single but i do believe it takes a father to discipline his son. my father never whupped me or my sister but he would raise his voice in such a manner that we knew to never back talk and to complete tasks as soon as we get asked
PR Brown says
My wife & I discipline our 5’11 13 year old son as a team but, the bottom line is young boys sometimes will try their parents and it never hurt having a father around to put the fear of God in him. This may not be PC to say but society is not going to baby our African American sons.
Chrissi Matusevics says
this isn’t just an African American problem- white boys need discipline too and if the child is bigger than the mother then definitely they need their fathers to be there- or a good male role model – this may be why today’s young men are the way they are- I had my mother-in-law trying to tell me how to bring up my boy- we live with her in her house- but fortunately his father agrees with me on how things have to be so he can grow into a man to be proud of
Isaac says
A boy needs the father to teach, discipline, love, and introduce him into the man’s world. The mother can never do all of these important things like the father can. This is the reason that there is a father. The father is more important to the children, particularly to a boy than people wish to realize. The father is the foundation of the family. In order for the son to grow up to be a real, strong man, he will need his father in the early years, teen age years, and sometime the early adult years.
Eleanor says
What if the father is a pitiful man? And the mother (me) has always been the disciplinarian (and for many years now, also the breadwinner), even having to scold the pitiful man occasionally for acting too much like a child. In my case, my son has always behaved better and more respectfully toward me, than to his weak, pushover father, who can hardly say no to him and when he does is passive aggressive about it. I guess, now that we are separated, him spending more time with our son now, who is also 12, our son will grow up to be a pitiful man too…? Not much I can do other than provide a stronger male role model for him in the form of my next partner I guess… Anybody have thoughts?
Kerry says
While in the authors case I agree her child needed someone stronger to discipline that person having to be a man is not true. No I can never teach my two sons how yo be a man from personal experience but I can teach them how not to be a man from my own interactions with men. My sons are 13 and 15 yrs old. Both of them over 6 ft tall and definitely physically stronger than myself. I have since they were born been the only disciplinarian in their lives. Their father is far more concerned with being their home than he is with being a father or role model. While ideally it’s great to have both parents that’s not always an option. As I said I have raised them to this point alone and while it hasn’t been easy they are both respectful, responsible, well behaved young men. I have no doubt they will be amazing men and fathers one day. Taught to be such by a woman…
kimberlu says
I always say in my home… “Daddy is law. Mama is grace.” You need a good balance.