By Ayanna Black
I once had a male friend that I was close to. We worked in the same department and begin to hang out outside of work. I’d invited him to a couple functions and considered him to be like a brother. Along the way my husband (boyfriend at the time) became uncomfortable with the friendship. He felt that my friend wanted more from the friendship than intended.
I didn’t want to believe it so I continued the friendship because I was young and just didn’t see the warning signs. Shortly after my naïve eyes were opened. My friend started to show up places uninvited and then wanted to hang out with my boyfriend. He was trying to see if my boyfriend and I communicated with each other. The straw that broke the camels back for me is when I’d gone out of town and my friend called my boyfriend and asked him if he knew about it. I was furious and totally convinced to immediately end what I thought was our friendship.
Now as a married woman with a bit more age and wisdom under my belt, I tend to choose my male friendships a little more carefully to avoid confusion. When entering into friendship with a male, I’m especially conscientious to look for warning signs that would deem it a toxic friendship. Here are few ways to go about it:
1. Make sure you let the person know that you are happily married. It’s one thing to say you’re married but the key is to let them know you are happily married and act like it.
2. If you’re going to go out make sure you include your spouse or make it a group outing with other friends. Instead of one-on-one outings always have your spouse accompany you or make it a group outing with other friends. This way the setting is not so intimate.
3. Avoid conversations that can focus on sex. This is always a conversation that will get you in trouble. I’ve rarely seen a male and female discuss sex and not at some point want to develop a physical relationship. So be attentive to this and use discretion.
4. Be mindful of excessive complimenting. I do love a compliment or two maybe even three but common sense will tell me when its flirting and not pure admiration. Sometime this could be the beginning of an inappropriate friendship.
So for me I still think its okay to have male friends but I am definitely more aware of the responsibility that comes along with it.
Is it okay to have friends of the opposite sex? If so is it okay to hang out with them without your spouse or a group of people?
Ayanna is a married mom of busy triplets in Chicago. She’s a freelance parenting/marriage and technology blogger. Ayanna is also the proud owner of ABlackWebDesign.com and MommyMultiple.com
I think its okay to have friends of the opposite sex. Me and my husband kind of follow a rule where we can hang out one-on-one with old friends of the opposite sex (meaning, they were there before you) but any new friends stay in a group setting. We’re comfortable with this because with old friends the platonic relationship has been established and we both approve of those relationships. With new friends there is an unknown factor there so we will “ask permission” if we think the other may feel uncomfortable.
I agree with busybody. That’s how we have our boundaries. It was very difficult for me, as my husband has a ton of female friends (which is what happens when you marry the “nice guy”). But I think I’ve adjusted. I think. LOL.
If it’s not a mutual friend, I say no its not okay.
I think it’s fine as relationships (friendships are relationships too) are hard to prevent in the workplace, church, or anywhere else people come together for extended periods of time. And doing the group hangout is fine and maybe once one on one — MAYBE. I think it becomes dangerous if the relationship is on shaky ground or going through a rough patch. Under these circumstances a new friend of the opposite sex is viewed differently, as a band-aid, a salve or an interloper. Nothing’s black and white but this just my opinion.
I think old friendships that have been around for years and both parties are comfortable are fine. I think if one party sees something that makes them uncomfortable about the friend of the opposite sex then the mate has to take it seriously as we know men know men andwomen know women.
(sigh) OK,
First of all I’d like to start by saying that I don’t feel there is anything wrong with men or women having friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship. HOWEVER, as a man whom has been BURNED MORE THAN ONCE by trifling women whom, for whatever reason, either just couldn’t see, or chose to ignore, or maybe just didn’t care enough to set and (most importantly) ENFORCE proper boundaries, I would say that I would be EXTREMELY suspicious and skeptical of any male ‘friend’ that any woman whom I deal with going forward has. (YES LADIES, two trifling women have MESSED IT UP for ALL OF YOU with this brother, as far as trust is concerned!)
I think that opposite sex friendships can work as long as the boy/girl friend or spouse is well aware of the friendship. I also thinks that you have to keep a healthy distance between the friendship. Too much time with any friend and not enough time with your spouse or boy/girl friend is not a good look!
Old friends are generally easier to accept than new friends for me. Honestly I’m not comfortable with my husband meeting a new woman and forging a close friendship with her.
I am not sure why one would be looking to form new friendships with one of the opposite sex if married. It is enough work maintaining a relationship with your spouse. I believe most times when men and women connect it is because of some initial attraction. Too much energy and time working on this new thing can take away from what you should be doing at home especially if your spouse is not included in the relationship.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!! Having gone through a divorce because my spouse had a ‘friend’ who he met at work and their friendship was completely between them, you have to have boundaries!. Their friendship did not include either spouse and much alone time was spent between the two. The reason for the quotes is because they were much more than friends. They had an emotional affair over the course of about 8 months and things also became physical (to some degree–he denies having had sex with her but admitted to other physical activities). An affair is not all about sex. He gave his heart and time to this other women and because of her influence (and bad marriage) my spouse no longer thought that he loved me and that it would be better to divorce. We both grew up in christian homes and he should have known better than this, but he didn’t set any boundaries!!
I caution any of you who thinks it’s okay to spend alone time with the opposite sex who is not either your spouse or someone your dating seriously. The enemy is sneaky and is looking for those kind of set ups to make his move. And if you think that you wouldn’t do such a thing, you are the biggest target!!!
Since my life changed 10 years ago and I became a single mom with 3 young children, I am a strong believer in major boundaries. It’s best for everyone, not just the friendship, but those looking on.
I have to say that it is not okay. Acquaintances are fine but friends, no. When you enter a friendship, you began to share things on a personal level and an emotional bond is formed. While in a relationship, especially a marriage, this a line I have drawn and will not cross. Once that emotional attachment is there and has time to simmer anything can happen, especially if you don’t open you’re eyes in time.
MEN AND WOMEN CANNOT BE FRIENDS!!!!
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I believe that people of opposite attractions can be friends but with boundaries. When in a relationship, any kind of alone time with someone of the opposite attraction opens doors of opportunity for them to cross the line of just friends. Unless they were long time friends and the relationship of “just friends” is believable and will only be that.
It’s sad when the two who are seeming to getting close to crossing that boundaries deny it and ignore everyones’ cries and hurts their other halves and their friends too.
I agree strongly that a man or a woman should not have a close friend of the opposite sex without strong boundries.. its so hard coming home now and seeing my girlfriend on the phone with her male friend who she kept him a secret for so long, after telling her over and over how I felt, she was sorry but, she continued to talk to him behind my back deleting any txts or messages sent to and from eachother. I didn’t want to tell her to stop talking to him because I knew it would just make her hide him from me so, I just told her to stop deleting the messages.. we are working on it, its a day to day thing, now their friendship is in the open but, it still bothers me.. I once was married and my wife at the time had an affair with a coworker while I worked nights so, I know the lies and betrails that could happen and my eyes or open.. so, don’t be cocky and think oh, he or she would never hurt me like that, you have been warned, it happens to much and the divorce rate is so high now because people are so self centered and don’t think that what they do destroy lives..
I’m old school,me,don’t have friends ,I have associate…cause me and a men together as friend,is like putting sugar in my gas tank…