The round of your behind, the curve of your breast, the middle of your spine, the sexy way you walk–these are all things that can get men into a frenzy about their wives. It’s can be something as small as the way you walk, talk sometimes even breathe that can make your mate go crazy and want to engage in sexual activity. Sex is a normal activity between two married people. Sex is used to procreate along with making us feel good but what happens when sex is used for something more sinister?
Think of this scenario that happens in bedrooms all across the world. As you climb into bed, your mate whispers to you,”Honey lets have sex.” Still angry about the argument you had earlier,you roll over and reply, “I’m not in the mood” and go to sleep. Defeated, your mate rolls back over and goes to sleep. Sex has just been used a weapon to punish your spouse for an argument you’ve had earlier in the day. This scene happens more times than we think. Legitimately sometimes we as women are tired from a long day at work or from dealing with the kids. However, more times than likely it’s because we don’t feel like our spouse deserves sex–we are using it as a weapon, reward or both.
A couple of nights ago my husband and I were hanging out with some married friends of ours when we got on the subject of sex. One of friends remarked that because her husband had been “good” all week she’d have sex with him that night. We all laughed and chalked it up to “the old Married Life” but it got me thinking. When did sex become a tool to get what you want out of your spouse? Did this happen all the time? If I wasn’t “in the mood” was I inadvertently punishing my husband? Needless to say as the conversation continued, I was confused. Some of the wives at the table reasoned that sex had to earned by their husbands. Ultimately, if their husbands were “well behaved” they would be rewarded with sex–with their wives. The husbands chimed in and despite them hating this play on power, they went along with it to get their wives to “put out”. As we continued the discussion, I realized quickly that sex is used as a weapon and reward in relationships. It gives the person with the decision (usually the wife) the power and can be used to leverage men into doing what us women want them to do.
As me and my husband drove home we laughed at how crazy some of our friends sounded. Who uses sex as a reward and a punishment? When did that start? Apparently we were late and this goes on in more households then we thought. This conversation made me examine how the process of deciding to have sex occurs in my household. When I am angry with my husband do I refuse to have sex with him? If I need for him to lay tile in the kitchen do I promise sex as a reward? No, but I have been guilty instead of using sex as a means to show my love for my husband, I’ve used it as a weapon and reward to get what I want.
Despite us ending our conversation that night, I began to casually question both my male and female married friends about their thoughts on this new phenomenon (to me). Shockingly a lot of my friends echoed the same thoughts from the first couples we were with. Many of my male friends said they didn’t care if they’re mad at us (wives) they’ll still want sex. However, us women will be mad and use sex as weapon to get what we want or to reiterate when we’re angry. Apparently we are more emotionally involved in the act of love than men.
I’ve came to the conclusion that I’m not perfect especially in something that is so personal and private to a couple as their sex life. But now that I see how sex can be used I’m determined to use it as a pronouncement of love–not as a weapon or reward.
Let me know what you think. Do you use sex as a weapon or reward in your relationship? Is doing this right or wrong?
Kerry says
Great article!!! 1 Corinthians 7:14 says “the wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.” As a result, I believe using sex as a weapon/reward is not appropriate, even though it is the case in many households. However, I would like to know how to ensure that sex is not used as a weapon especially after something like an argument.
BossyGirl says
Make sure to make up before you even step foot into the bedroom is one way!
Andrew says
Sadly, this is a pattern that many marriages fall into. And it can be very difficult to change. When sex is punishment/reward it can also be seen as an entitlement or a means of persecution. In either case sex isn’t the gift of self that it should be. Nor does it reflect love, which is self-less, unearned, given freely, and unconditionally. It’s cheating your spouse and yourself.
Neil says
Great Post. Sadly, this does happen A LOT. I’ve too experienced it from my wife….which is “partly” why we’re separating. Unfortunately, few understand the seriousness of those seeds being planted. IMO, this is a true example of Conditional Love..,i.e., “I’ll show my love for you, if you do this”……As a man, I guarantee there will be more than just a ripple….no,…an issue later on in the marriage. Maybe not tomorrow, or next year, but eventually. There a number of men (I know of) who have filed for divorce because of this foolishness. Hence the phrase, “Marriage is for BIG BOYS and BIG GIRLS.”
BossyGirl says
I love that…yes marriage is for big boys or big girls!
nick says
yes According to 1 corinthians 7:14 if a Wife or Husband rejects their spouse it is a sin. Once we are in Marriage our bodies are not our own. To take it further, if man wants his wife to get down on her knees, than she has no choice but to, it goes the same for a man too.
jubilee says
I believe the women dont have to get ‘on her knees’ to do that they both could be lying in the bed- I’M kinda romantic and believe a woman shouldnt be on her knees anyway==-also MEN ARE GUARENETEED ORGASMS period .unless he is wrecked by PORN–it’s women who have a hard time climaxing–husband & wife have to work together on this–1 Cor 7:14 means the body is yours AND your partners not just YOURS ALONE
the mrs says
I think you’re neglecting to mention the emotional connection that women have with sex. When I’m intimate with my husband, i feel the most vulnerable. If I’m angry, I can’t allow myself to be all open and exposed in having intercourse. It’s not about me punishing my husband, its about self-preservation to further hurt.
Chris says
I agree with you! Sex in marriage is not a reward or a punishment. It’s a way to outwardly express emotion – just as tears or a smile give outward expression to an emotion. To be intimate with my husband under this circumstance…
“Still angry about the argument you had earlier, you roll over and reply, “Im not in the mood†and go to sleep. Defeated, your mate rolls back over and goes to sleep. Sex has just been used a weapon to punish your spouse for an argument youve had earlier in the day.”
…would be a lie. Intimacy in marriage should be an expression of connectedness – of oneness. If it isn’t an expression of love, then it’s nothing more than what a prostitute can provide. In the above circumstance, a lot more needs to happen before sex! In a mature relationship, there needs to be a breaking down of the wall that was built by the argument. There needs to be reconciliation first. And THEN sex. 🙂
Lisa says
Totally agree! I was trying to think how to respond to this, but I think you said it better than I could.
Sometimes sex after an argument is just what we need to relax and reconnect. In the times that it is not, the lack of sex has more to do with my need to recover from my hurt than with “punishment” of my husband.
Maurice says
Yes, cometimes sex after an argument is just what we need to relax and reconnect. However in the other times that it is not, the reason for lack of sex is subjective. The lack of sex bc the need to recover from hurt such as failure to do a household chore could easily be deemed punishment, or fair, given the couple and circumstance. More times than not I believe if a spouse is withholding sex simple bc they are in their emotions about a trivial topic maybe even an ongoing disagreement such as dishes being left in the sink… its punishment!
Stanley says
When intimacy is cut off/deferred for too long, you start losing part of that emotional connection to the other spouse. Then resentment comes in and makes you question if staying is worthwhile. If your spouse doesn’t desire you enough to work it out, maybe it’s time to separate and find someone that does want you.
Aj says
Sadly, that’s why there are so many cheating in their marriages. Also, why there are so many divorces. If one is withholding sex or using it as a reward/punishment in their marriages, then what do you think is going to eventually happen!!
Jessica says
This is true we women in marriage do use sex as a weapon against our husband because I’ve done it without realizing I was using it to hurt him. I will say that I don’t want to have sex when I am angry at him, and I would prefer for us to come to a conclusion in the disagreement first. Even though as a women sex is specifically tied to my feelings and if I feel bad I don’t want to have sex just because he feels like it. As his wife I do feel obligated to give him sex, but my heart wouldn’t be in it and I’ve done that before too. Either way it’s best not to give him sex if your’e not up to it because like me you’ll start to create a cycle of unhappiness b/c your body belongs to him and trust me he can tell. The passion will be gone, and that’s really hard to get back.
@yo_q_crush says
I see a lot of comments about the denial of sex usually happens when the wife is upset. What I suggest doing is not even taking that anger/resentment into the bedroom (let alone the bed) Be willing to die to your own selfish moment of “i am going to just stay mad” and be willing for the sake of the marriage open up the lines of communication resolve the issue and then call it a night, even if you dont engage in sex that night it wont be because you are witholding the cookie because he made you mad.
We know when women are mad about things and when pleasurable things (not just sex) are witheld due to that anger it just frustrates us more, so now you have two pouting kid-adults who are more concerned with being mad than resolving the issue.
You've been watching me says
I have been thinking about this subject for 26 years, but thinking about it a LOT lately.
Most women don’t know how they are in the absolute position of power in a relationship. Unfortunately, my wife is very aware of the power she has, and is not afraid to use it. My commitment to 1) complete fidelity, and 2) remaining married (because I take my vows seriously) has allowed me to become absolutely enslaved to a partner who controls me like a puppet on a string by dripping out sexual favors every month or two to keep me in a state of desperate subservience. Whenever I get sick of it and swear to myself that I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by her manipulation of my hormones, she manages to do the “round of your behind, the curve of your breast, the middle of your spine, the sexy way you walk,” thing you described, and I cave in for another month of two of slavery.
Some scripture has been quoted in the comment section here. Mine is Matthew 19:12… Yesterday I decided to break free through purchasing (on the black market) a hormonal treatment that will free me from my hormonal response, to finally prevent her, once-and-for-all, from using my hormones against me. While “chemical castration” will not improve our sex life, it certainly won’t hurt it either, and at least will level the playing field, and maybe allow some tenderness to break through… It will be a week or two before it arrives in the mail, but I am interested to see if and how it works.
While there are plenty of downsides to the treatment (some degree of feminization, reduced cognitive ability, depression, increased chance of blood clots, etc.), it is worth it to free myself from a situation where sex is used nearly exclusively as a weapon of mass destruction.
Mike says
Whoa. You’re more willing to chemically castrate yourself than you are to just tell your wife you’re sick of this behavior and are not getting what you need out of the relationship? Yeesh! Get ahold of yourself man! If you’re done being a slave then sack up and take control of yourself and your situation. Don’t cut your sack off and continue to serve.
Neil says
Agreed!
Motiv8or says
It’s amazing how you can find that great sexual companion before you get married but there was something in that relationship that wasn’t good enough to become a marriage, right? So when you move on to find your spouse, you claim that you’ve experience sex and you want to see what’s more to this thing called life. Well, after you experience the “other things,” there’s still that void that needs to be filled called sexual desire/intimacy from your spouse. But what happens when your spouse has had so much sex that they don’t even desire it at the level you desire it anymore?!?!?!? What happens when you believe you’ve covered your bases in your marriage to make sure your spouse’s needs were met but yours weren’t met? The sad thing is that I saw this coming long before we got married. All the while, I just thought there wasn’t a continual sexual desire because we both were abstaining from sex as unmarried Christ-followers. But little did I know, there was a whole lot more to the lack of sex drive outside of abstaining because of our religious beliefs. In closing… At the end of the day, a lack of sexual intimacy IS NOT a reason to break the promise you gave to God. In my vows, I said, “For better or for worse… till we die.” No having sex IS NOT a reason for me to treat my spouse any different from how God says I’m suppose to. [Please correct me if I’m wrong and if you ain’t using scripture to back up your response, please don’t reply at all.] I’ll pray for you all as you pray for us. Obviously we all share the same problems just to different degrees.
Jerry says
Based on my observation, its the way a very large portion of our society operates. A lot of women use sex as a leverage tool, she gets what she wants and so does he, its like a prostitutes and a john relationship except that they are married.
Stephan Labossiere says
The reality is that a woman is simply not sexually receptive when you neglect issues outside or inside the bedroom. Yes she can try to bring herself to still do it but what would be the point. It won’t be as good as it should be and it can very well create a bigger disconnect between the couple. Some men would start to complain the “she isn’t into it”. Men have to learn that there is more to making your wife sexually receptive to you than what you are able to do to her physically (and in some cases that isn’t even up to par). There are things women can do to help this process but it things will only get better when we start to have more open and honest dialogue about this issue.
Jerry says
That must be in the fine print, perhaps that should be discussed before marriage.
Neil says
Who’s side are you on? We can see that you’re plugging your website and there’s nothing wrong with that. But, there are women (in this post) including the writer who admit that this IS the reality. Just like men, women HAVE to take responsibility for their behavior. If they don’t, (same for men, there is cause and effect and) there will be consequences. Don’t do men a disservice though and throw us (men) under the bus, for the sake of building your business.
Mike says
If this isn’t a solid argument for some form of “modified” monogamy I don’t know what is.
Tiffany says
We try to not go to bed angry. But there are times when I’m not connected to my husband. It can be small things like no foreplay, being tired for having to do all the household chores and him not attempting to help, etc. When stuff like this occurs it makes me feel disconnected and not in the mood to experience sex with him. But the longer you go down this road the harder it is to jump back on the horse. If I realize this is happening I talk to my husband about it and we get back on track. But as women we are emotionally tied to sex.
the believer says
its real whether we like it or not,even husbands use it,you give them sex,they do what you want them to do,before then,you are gonna have to do it yourself,its disgusting i hate it
Stephen says
I disagree about a few things you have said. First of all yes sex is and can be used to express love, although when is love self centered? Love is patient love is kind type of thing. So rolling over and going to sleep knowing it will hurt your husband and leave him craving you because rut rho he wasn’t perfect and got you upset so all women will cry this mantra ” judge his actions and punish them, he must be taught.” Love gives doesn’t take. So a truly loving wife will let her husband have her even if she’s mad. I mean look into his eyes when he finishing and you will see how much relief your loving actions can give. Sex is not about your pleasure but rather your spouses pleasure.
John Doe says
WHile i realize this comment is old news, im quite saddened by this. This illustrates specifically the false myth that women are more emotionally connected during sex than men. Did it Ever occur to you to think that your man just might be more than a brute cave man only worried about sex. Its a show of affection and love, its the way men like to show their feelings. More your long term mate wants you the more he is in love with you. If you continue to use sex as a weapon by resorting to a me centric argument that everything else in your daily life must be perfect before you can “reward” your husband with, all the more bitter and resentful your husband will grow of you until the day he divorces you + 1year it takes him to realize just what happened.
Tay says
I’m not married but, nonetheless am in a monogamous relationship.I am guilty of this and I proudly own it b/c it’s my body and I refuse to be submissive to a man who insults me daily.This is my current situation and I’m not in denial but how can you allow someone who hurts you so deeply into your space?