by Tara Pringle Jefferson
Recently, I was brushing my teeth before bed. My husband was already in the bed, half watching me, half watching the TV. As I turned to spit out my toothpaste, I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Oh, Lawd – is that what I look like when I brush my teeth?
For some reason, it just felt incredibly unsexy (although fresh breath is a turn-on!) so since then I’ve been brushing my teeth with the door closed.
It got me thinking about all those things we do that might be considered “TMI” (too much information) or WTC (way too casual). Like peeing while your spouse is in the bathroom. Shaving your armpit hair at the sink. Pooping with the door open. Farting in bed.
While some of that is just nasty (close the door when you poop!), some of it just happens when you get supremely comfortable with each other. But does it erase the “mystery”? Is there any mystery worth keeping once you’ve been married for a while? Is it along the same lines of not “letting yourself go”?
I don’t like for him to see me in rollers, or while washing my face, or with chipped nail polish. He definitely can’t come in the bathroom when I’m using it. Not that I necessarily want him to see me as this dainty little wife…except that I do. I can’t even explain it.
Tell me – am I crazy? Are you all comfortable with anything your husband or wife might do? Is anything still a secret between you two?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
Hi, I'm not married but I totally understand where you are coming from and no, you're not crazy. LOL. I think even after you get married you should still keep your 'sexy'; the qualities that lured him or her to the person in the first place. You don't want to become so comfortable with your spouse that it is considered a turn off or 'letting yourself go'. The saying goes, “the things you did to get him or her are the things you have to do to keep him or her”. LOL
There are no secrets, no TMI, nothing really off limits with us. My husband asks questions about “urrythang(!)!” so I've quickly gotten over the 'eeewww' factor. I don't consider it “letting myself go” if I pass gas in front of him…I'll say excuse me, he fakes dying, we laugh and keep it moving. He sees me put my makeup on, do my home facials (I'm talking green mask and everything), pedicures, deep condition my hair with the plastic shower cap on my head (LOL) matter of fact it just plain fascinates him and he'll literally stop, take a seat and look on, while I'm doing it. He calls it “getting my sexy maintenance on!”
I don't know….maybe it's because we've known each other and have been friends since we were 14 *shrugs*. I've never been this “open” or comfortable with myself with anyone else, I dunno. Trust though I am the penultimate girly, girl so I never fear that he won't see me as dainty. He likes seeing the puzzle pieces come together…like the “viola” moment.
I don't think you're crazy by any means, I think it shows that you care what your husband, your life mate thinks of you and how you look in his eyes. I think the worry needs to come when you don't think or stop caring about it period.
Totally agree! Its the unconditional part of true love
No, Tara you are not crazy.
These notions are the “thought garbage” from the June Cleaver-ish ideology of womanhood. I was brought up to think that same way and from time to time still struggle with remnants of this conditioning. I cringed when I read reefinyateef's comment about “dropping bombs”.
In a strange way- well its not so strange- knowing that the love is truly unconditional makes it even stronger. I guess the strange part is that even knowing its unconditional, I still don't want to be in the room or have anyone else in the room when bombs are being dropped.
My husband and I have been together for eight years, married for six and we have no secrets and feel totally comfortable with each other. We don't have a problem with seeing each other in a not so flattering light. I believe that's what marriage is all about. There are no walls up. We can be totally ourselves around each other. If anything it makes us love each other more! Strangely some of the things I may find no so attractive about myself, he thinks are sexy. Go figure. 🙂
My husband and I have our boundaries, and they are completely arbitrary, but they work for us. He has seen me do facials, brush teeth, condition my hair, but no to hair removal or any body functions. He was present at the births of our children but did not see anyone come out of the chute, so to speak. We are comfortable together, but there are some things I just don't want to see.
I don't believe in TMI, especially when a married couple shares a bathroom – efficiency wins! Sometimes you just have to go in there while the other is dropping bombs.
I have met other wives that share your opinion on the rollers, etc, but I never understood why because WE SEE HOW YOU LOOK WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING (as well as how you look after bangin). That should trump everything! 🙂
Tara, you are not crazy. I am the same way, I leave a little mystery for my husband. Bathroom door stays closed, and there are no face masks, hair removals or passing gas happening in front of the spouse. All he needs to see is the finished product, not all that goes into getting me there. :0)
I actually am very private, I do not like for him to see me dress or undress because i am uncomfortable with my body. So most times i go in the bathroom or walkin closet and change clothes. Not sure why i know he has seen all parts of me, I guess its force of habit. Maybe when i get to the body that i am comfortable with i will be more at ease.
Wow…Aiyana and I did a video post about this same topic this morning. I think it's the bestfriend part of the relationship that allows you to be you.
Great minds think alike… here is a link to their post:
https://www.bintentional.com/2010/08/black-marri…
I don't have a problem with us seeing each other in an unflattering light. We try to keep it sexy but life isn't always sexy. I think we both understand that and can be comfortable no matter what happens.
I don't think you're crazy at all. I think every couple has different standards of what is “TMI” or “WTC” for them. My husband and I don't have very many secrets when it comes to bodily functions. Even though I always close the door when I go to the bathroom, he opens it without warning or apology if he has decided he wants to talk to me. It used to really freak me out, now I just pretend it does because he finds the “reaction” entertaining. Yes, I pass gas in the same room with him, I say “excuse me” he acts like it's the worst thing that ever happened to him, we laugh and move on. Same thing when he passes gas in front of me. I love that we can be who and what we are at all times without worrying about it having a negative effect. . . now that is sexy.
For the most part, I say there is no such thing has TMI…at least for me. I appreciate the closeness that I have with my husband and the fact that I can share anything with him. Sometimes, we are like you are gross…and then we laugh.
I am so happy that I don't have to worry about my appearance around him..he sees me when I am fly and he sees me when I am a mess.. and I know that he loves me either way. And I love that. Of course, I want to look good for him and I don't plan on letting myself go. But I do not plan on not wearing a scarf or always having my nails a certain way…etc.
Right now I need a relaxer, and he was rubbing my kitchen. Or even worse, he watches me when I am asleep and let's just say drooling ain't pretty. But he loves me anyway. He might joke on me..but he loves me.
Anyway, he saw me give birth to our kids…I really don't think that I am going to be able to do anything that will shock him more than that!!
I am like that with some things and others I don't care. For me though if the bathroom door is closed that means hubby is not allowed in. He's done it anyway on several occasions and every time I freak out and he doesn't understand why. He feels like he's seen our son being born, why should it matter if he walks in the bathroom on me- which is probably true. But I am a private person in general so even more than being worried about him seeing me in an unflattering light I think it has to do with me still needing to feel like I have some personal/private space.
“For better or for worse” To me it should not matter when you fart and it smells like a stink bomb hear goes “For better or for worse” I am confident my husband is attracted to me. Granted you should not let yourself go but am I too hold in my fart and let my stomach cramp up if we in the car just so my HUSBAND wont smell it. He is my husband not my boyfriend. I am 100% natural nothing fake about me which means I have my gorgeous moments and times when I am not so fly but at the end of the day, the inner me remains the same. Is when the inner spirit becomes corrupt is when there is a problem.
No “TMI” over here. After all, were partners NOT roommates.
I don't fart, belch or poop in front of anyone else in my life (except siblings!), so I don't see why the hubbin should be treated differently… or more poorly than everyone else. I know that I am loved at my best and my worst, but I don't have to seek every opportunity to prove it. I am naturally more free spirited, so I didn't close the doors… he said he preferred it that way, so I respect that. We shower and bath together, so there is no lack of full disclosure, but every moment in a relationship doesn't have to be a shared moment. Also, it is said that men are more visually stimulated than women, so some image maintanence isn't a bad idea… it's like the Seinfeld episode… naked is good, but you don't want to see somethings done while naked.
I considered myself to be very private. Never would pass gas, do facials or anything in front of someone I was dating. Then I met my husband. I would close the door to do “womanly” things and he would open it and stand and talk to me. He just didn't get the closing doors thing. And still doesn't. I couldn't even pee without having him turning around the first 4-5 months of us being together. Now we have been married a year, anything goes. But we do have a disclaimer if privacy is essential for fear of being completely grossed out…”you might wanna shut the door baby” is all I have to say! Then there are no worries!
I AM CRYING LAUGHING AT THIS POST! My husband & I talk about this all the time. My husband does not care if I fart, poop etc….But I care. I do not like using the bathroom with him in there. He get mad at me sometimes when I lock the door lol….He is cool with all that nasty stuff because he poops when I am styling my hair in the bathroom (yuck! of course I leave the bathroom)..lol…this is so funny to me lol
No, you're not crazy at all. As much as I like the “Keeping it Real” aspect of my marriage, some things have to be, no should be kept secret…(pls close the door when bathroom is in use…) I must admit, there are a couple of beauty things I do, that my husband isn't aware of…atleast I don't think he is…
There is a unique balance that comes with the TMI situation. Of course you should be able to be as free and open as possible with your spouse, but at the same time maintaining at least the courtesy that you afford to a stranger. For example, if you fart or belch, at least have the courtesy to say “excuse me.” While it's ok that they see you pee or “do glue #2” don't make a habit of it. It's ok to be free… but the mystery is ok too I would think.
Although I have a Mom and 2 sisters, and am aware of all the “lady stuff”, my wife still keeps the “time of the month” activities to herself. It wouldn't bother me if I accidently caught a glimpse but that's the courtesy she affords me.
Be free, be but courteous. Be courteous because you don't want to give your spouse less respect than you would give a stranger, but be free because your home is where you should be most free and there is a possibility when you are old that you will be handling the most private things for your spouse, like helping them use the bathroom.
I agree with the “have some courtesy” comments. But beyond that–part of the freedom to share everything–is to choose not to share. If someone contended they HAD to keep a certain part of life private–I would ask “What's that about?” So part of the freedom to maintain some privacy is also the freedom to share. Both need to be in play.
A fully healthy couple consists of two persons who are healthy persons if they were by themselves. I very much believe in a shared life–but there needs to be practices of privacy, solitude, independence within the shared life.
When there are babies and small children the couple must find some ways to maintain a moment of space and time for themselves. Likewise, individuals need to keep moments of time/space. That is not locking the other one out of life–but caring for one's own person and granting that to the other.
Well there are 7 people sharing a bathroom and only but so much time in a day…if my husband wakes up before me in the morning he'll wake me as he's on his way to shower, so I either walk around with a full bladder while I do my morning routines or I go in while he is showering. He spends a half hour or more at times shaving so I go in with him if I have to tinkle. He moves his bowels within 30 mins of getting home from work and I'll sit on the staircase and talk with him about our day, the evenings plans, etc.
Now when we first started dating 18 yrs ago I was nothing but a lady(well a super young lady because I was only 13) and as we “grew up” together there were occassion that we had to be in the same space at the same time. Now I do attempt to not pass gas in front of him, but sometimes it just sneaks up on me…lol. I have only moved my bowels once if front of him but I had a stomache virus and he took too long in the shower. He's seen me at my worst and at my best.
Okay, I am probably the eldest here so listen real careful. I got the revelation after being married a second time and one thing I know for sure is, living in a world where mostly everyone is showing everythang, you need to KEEP IT A MYSTERY. That’s right no toilet shots, no hair doing shots not sayin’ you can’t remove the make up on put your head-rag on. But put some small earrings on and keep the gown sexy at ALL TIMES!! Keep those toes polish those feet smooth and by all means the smell good wash something before entering the bed and yes always, always cuddle speak something soft at the end of the night and definitely before he goes out that door. Cause these hoochie-mamas out here are not playin’ with you!
Yes! I love that!
I can truly agree, me and my husband will be married for ten years next month and we have been friends since we were 16yrs old. So we’ve know each other for over 13yrs. All of the passing gas stage, and washing my face or pulling my hair has went out of the window. Don’t get me wrong I would have rather keep some things secret, but the type of husband I have, he won’t let nothing be a secret. If I’m on the toilet he come in the bathroom and talk. The different fiminine products I use he ask questions about them. So I truly believe were just comfortable with one another.
Yes ma’m I’m listening.
It’s funny the things you’ll do when you get comfortable with another person. I get what you’re saying about the ‘letting yourself go’ part, but personally I feel it’s important to keep up the health/body aspect not only for yourself but also to keep your significant other interested. Win-Win
I draw the line at Toilet I don’t want to see my wife on the toilet I got to tell you it was like in our 3rd year of marriage when she farted around me for the 1st time.
No you are not crazy. However, those things do not phase me at all. It could be because I am the youngest of six and grew up in an environment where there were definitely “bigger fish to fry”. My husband does comment about flatulence and the sound freaks him out! But then every morning it sounds like a large ship has docked in our backyard! LOL! There are just too many other issues to deal with and our sex life is still over the top!
I find it completely baffling that our grandmothers and aunties and some of our parents never went through all the “analysis” of their marriages like we do and yet – they managed to keep it together for LIFE and most were quite happy. Yet we spend an inordinate amount of time trying not to let our spouses see ALL of who we are because there may be something they don’t “like” or something that is not “attractive” and we fight, and struggle and need all kinds of counseling and advice to stay married. Wonder why they could do it with more racism and less money and in some cases, less education and we got more stuff, things, knowledge, gadgets, etc than they ever had – and still we struggle. Think about it.
Well, My husband & I have only been married close to 2 years & we do all of the above around each other without it being nothing. We laugh & joke about it…it feels so normal until it’s kinda crazi….but it’s not an issue…I’m also naturally growing my hair out for 2 years & believe me he has seen it all….my husband loves me…he thinks I’m sexy even when I don’t feel sexy or beautiful…
I don’t think you can prevent him seeing you in rollers…I mean how would he not see you that way if you go to bed together? However, the toilet and brushing teeth thing is too much. I always shut the door if I am using the bathroom because that is a private matter. I don’t even like it if he or my daughter stands at the door while I’m in there…I just don’t feel comfortable about it lol.