On this week’s episode of It’s Not You, It’s Men, hosts Rev. Run and Tyrese are joined by OWN network host Iyanla Vanzant and author Emily Wilcox to discuss commitment issues in relationships.
When it comes to commitment, the panel felt women and men differed on the topic. Here are a few of the points that were highlighted during the discussion, including the break down on why men (and some women) don’t commit.
Identifying the commitment-phobe
A commitment-phobe is someone who doesn’t commit in a relationship. There are two main types of commitment-phobes: the conscious and the unconscious.
The unconscious commitment-phobe enjoys the chase and the thrill of the hunt in dating. He is very charming and loving, however once the initial thrill has dissipated, subconsciously he self-sabotages the relationship out of fear of settling down. This type of individual has abandonment issues that fuel this type of behavior.
The conscious commitment-phobe enjoys being single and has no desire to settle down anytime soon. This person is confident within himself and just enjoys being single. He is upfront and honest regarding his single status.
Why People Don’t Commit:
Due to the pressures of unrealistic expectations from partners, some people find it hard to commit. We want our partners to be these perfect human beings who satisfy us in every way imaginable. Most people are unable to live up to the demands of these and other expectations put on them in a relationship. So they choose to just date and not commit.
- The “One”
If they have to ask if this person is the one, then he or she isn’t the one. They will know the one for them. The challenge is what they decide to do once they realize if that person is the one. Some men and women can take the relationship to the next level and others run out of fear.
- Deal Breakers
A deal breaker is an action or circumstance that will not be tolerated in a relationship. If you’ve violated your partner’s deal breaker, then he or she may leave the relationship. Therefore, you must identify and discuss deal breakers in the beginning of your relationship. In addition, you must decide what you really want and desire in a relationship. If those basic desires aren’t met, you, too, must be willing to end the relationship; settling is never an option.
- Break-up patterns
Break-up patterns occur when men and women consistently enter into a relationship without dealing with their own issues ( i.e. looking for someone to satisfy their inadequacies). When the partner is unable to meet their needs; he or she breaks up with them and continues to look for someone to fill a void within him or her. These people should be honest with themselves as to why they are in the relationship in the first place. Is he in the relationship because he needs validity by having someone choose him? What is she hoping this relationship will heal within her?
Before a person can pursue a committed relationship, he has to be whole and complete first. Or else he is just unstable. A popular saying is, “you grow through what you go through.” A growth process has to take place prior to bringing someone into the dysfunction.
So what can you do?
A relationship is where two people come together to demonstrate God’s love and to share a common vision. In doing so, the individuals are able to learn, grow and heal together. When you are ready for this process to take place in your life, you will attract the right person. The one who will help you grow the most is the person you should pursue a relationship with.
Iyanla Vanzant stated that “Love commitment and pure relationships can only exist between equals.” The only way you will find your equal is to become whole within yourself. Take the time to focus on yourself, in doing so you will attract the individual who is right for you.
BMWK, Are you really ready to commit?