“I’ve Never Seen a Marriage Work”
The above quote is from Nia Long in a recent interview with Essence Magazine. This quote sparked my interest because it appears to be part of the reason Nia has decided not to marry (yet). Her quote relates to her not feeling any less loved or loving because she’s not married. Just to be clear, she did state that she is not saying she’ll never marry; marriage is just not a priority for her. I am sure Nia isn’t alone with her thinking. There are a great many others who possess this same belief.
Call me traditional, old school or old fashioned, but I wholeheartedly believe in the significance of marriage. And where there are children involved, a marriage should be somewhere on the horizon. Deciding to (purposely) raise a family without a marriage is an individual choice. However, it is also one which stirs up plenty of debate. Believe me, I certainly understand that no one owes anyone an explanation on how they personally choose to live their life or raise their children. I am even a big component of do what makes you happy. Where my concern grows is when the reasoning behind the action/decision is based on others and not the particular individual. We can’t make life altering decisions based on other people’s lives or experiences. Just because someone else’s story turned out one way doesn’t mean ours will too.
Our children are worthy of witnessing us put forth every effort possible to create a healthy marriage. Ever since I became a mom, I have been very conscious of the messages I send to my children. And although every adult has the right to make their own decisions, I wonder if there is any consideration to what we are showing our children to be acceptable. Although we may be liberal enough to be okay with our children following in our footsteps (raising a family without considering marriage) we have to, at some point, stop and think about the other person who they will be involved in a relationship with. Is it fair to send our children into a union with a partial view of what’s essential in building a family?
Of course we would rather not raise children in an environment surrounded by an unhealthy relationship, but this too should be considered before we become parents. Deciding who we will co-parent with is a bigger decision than deciding who we will marry.
I do agree with Nia. I also had never seen a marriage work, or those that I did observe weren’t necessarily happy. Nevertheless, it didn’t make me run in the opposite direction; it made me work even harder at my own marriage in order to diminish that statistic.
BMWK, what are your thoughts on marriage not being a priority for some parents?
Lis says
I’m with Nia. I have never seen a healthy, working marriage, so I have chosen to remain single myself. I have one child, and he loves the idea of having mommy all to himself! No boyfriends, no husbands. #TeamSingle&Celibate
Kris says
Have you ever seen the perfect loving Mom/Dad (not on TV)? We do the best we can with what we have and do the responsible thing direct the attention where it should be. You want to be the best parent you can be direct you attention to your children. So what do you thing you should do to be in the best working marriage that you can be in? Might I suggest (because I don’t have all the answers, but I love my wife and I am proud/excited/humbled by my marriage) paying attention to yourself. Yep YOU. Figure out what you want in a marriage and don’t compromise on your values and trust yourself (NOT what some book or friend tells you you should want in a marriage).
Lis says
No, I haven’t seen the perfect loving mom or dad. My childhood was not a good one. I often wished my parents would divorce, because things were so bad. I promised myself that I’d never go through that type of marriage. I do have things lined up that I’d want in a husband, marriage, but I know all of those things aren’t possible. Since they are not, being that no one is perfect, I will remain single. I am not like some singles, living in misery, I am actually happy! I used to have a void, feelings of loneliness, which caused me to get into bad relationships, but those feelings are long gone. Once I truly embraced Jesus’ love for me, I no longer (still don’t) felt the need for a relationship. If He has other plans for me, in due time, they will manifest. And what will I say? “Yes, Lord!” As for now, my relationship with God, my career, and my son are my main focus.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry to those who have not seen a marriage work. Its a shame that it’s so rare, but had you actually seen one, you would know how beautiful, and purposeful it is! My parents are that example for me, and I strive to get there one day. That kind of love is of God.
Charlotte, NC says
Hi Lis,
I hate that you have never seen a healthy marriage. I wish you could see our marriage. Now, I am not saying we are perfect. However, we are born again believers his Jesus Christ and He has set the standard by which we weigh our marriage. So believe that God will send someone your way that will be an example of a healthy marriage. God Bless
Lis says
Thanks, Charlotte, NC. 🙂
nylse says
do you need to see it to know it exists? it’s creating a crutch and an excuse for not being married while trying to simulate a marriage in your relationships.
Samantha says
Speak on it! My parents are together, but they’re not happy. However, that does not set the standard for my marriage (when I do get married). Plus, this article is missing a huge component. Respectfully, I submit that it’s commanded by God to be married before having children. Also, when you limit yourself to your own understanding, you limit God.
dawn says
Samantha, I loved what you said about “when you limit yourself to your own undestanding, you limit God.” Now that is my fb post for today!!!
Odeth says
Well said Samantha
ks says
Very well said Samantha!!
Terry says
‘Agreed!’
Tiya says
Nylse,
I completely agree. Thanks for your comment
Gee James says
good stuff –> Our children are worthy of witnessing us put forth every effort possible to create a healthy marriage.
Tiya says
Thanks!
@yo_q_crush says
its interesting that Nia would use that excuse especially in the industry that she is in. I wonder how many successful black actresses she saw before deciding to take up acting.
Just like with successful marriages prominent black actresses were sparce but that didnt stop her from chasing her dream.
You cant base your life decisions on the mishaps of others becuase in a lot of cases you are only looking into a peephole of their situation and have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. My parents have been married for 25 years is it perfect no have they had their bumps but even in being their child I NEVER based my decision to get married on their lives because I knew there were aspects and dynamics of their relationship that I didnt see or would never understand.
Being a black man I could easily use that crutch as to why I shouldnt have gotten my degree, moved for love, or serve/love God, but I dont because I know I am different from every other black male in this world.
Society needs to quit looking to man for their directives in life and seek God first, and in doing so you begin to realize you are uniquely made and take on the mantra that everything I walk into will be successful. (speak it into existence)
@yo_q_crush
Lamar Tyler says
This comment was nothing short of amazing. Especially the first part about her seeing black actresses! Bravo
Tiya says
Well said!
Anonymous says
well said! I like that!
ks says
Exactly!! Preach!
Lamar Tyler says
This reasoning always bothers me. I had to decide a long time ago that what’s for me is for me. Just because someone else’s marriage didn’t work is no indication of what me and my spouse are capable of doing in our relationship.
You can never live your life based on what someone else has done with theirs.
Angela says
I too agree that this is a copout. I put this comment on my FB page. If marriage doesn’t work then GOD would not have designed it. GOD’s word is the ONLY book that has absolutely NO fiction. Numbers 23:19 states “God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?” The reason she has not seen a marriage work is because she has never seen anyone do it GOD’s way. this article on my FB page and stated:
ks says
Say it Angela!! God’s way is the SUCCESSFUL way. An inventor knows how his invention is suppose to work. God created marriage and gave instruction on how to live and be successful in that marriage and it starts with understanding God’s purpose for marriage.
Judith Hendrickson says
I take issue with the term “work.” Work until one partner dies? My first marriage of 15 years “worked” until I chose to think differently than I had earlier in the relationship. It was a successful marriage as far as I am concerned. Ending in divorce doesn’t eliminate the personal growth that was a result of the union.
Denise Barreto says
Great commentary Judith. I know someone who divorced after 29 years – 29 YEARS and she was feeling like a failure and I ( a huge marriage advocate and proponent of healthy relationships in all area of life)had to point out to her that 29 years married then divorce does not equal failure. It is sad and heartbreaking to me but by no means a failure. We have to stop the zero sum game in this discussion about relationships in our community.
Girlie Girl says
I totally agree with the article. It is so sad to see how women have fooled themselves into believing this garbage as substitution for their desperate, impatient, and selfish attitudes. If one is not interested in marriage, then why live and act like you’re married? I say to Nia and all the women like her, don’t get mad when he leaves you to marry the woman of his dreams (trust, it will happen).
In my opinion, today’s women see love and marriage as a far-fetched idea. Being successful in love requires LOTS of patience to wait on God’s appropriate timing, but unfortunately we (women) hate to do that. We want to treat something so sacred the same way we treat obtaining a college degree and a job. And when that fails, we pretend to be fine with just being egg donors, bed-warmers and interim wives. It’s sad when people look to others to make sense of their reality.
* just opinions*
Gina C. says
Not only is Ms.Long’s viewpoint pessimistic, it’s self-defeating. If you go into a marriage believing success is impossible, then it will be. You’ll have to excuse my sensitivity to this condemnation of marriage. I was sick with the flu all weekend and my husband of almost 30 years sat with me and care for me the entire time. We got married when I was 20 and he was 21. We have five children. Through it all, he makes clear one thing always–I am the love of his life. Marriage is work. The honeymoon is short. Find yourself a good mate and make him or her better. It’s worth it. Married folk live longer than single folk for a reason…Just say’n!
Lamar Tyler says
Great comment Gina and glad your man nursed you back to health 🙂
T. Henry says
Gina, you make one point that so many people don’t like to face today but it’s more true than any other component: Marriage is WORK! How often do we say “for richer or poorer; better or worse; in sickness and in health; till death do us part” – and actually live by that??? We all want the wedding and the honeymoon and expect the marriage to work out because we went through getting married…but we forgot about the work of BEING married! Good post!
Marsena says
Thank you so much for your encouraging testimony…30 years…wonderful! My husband and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary last month. Ms. Long’s perspective is a sad and narrow one indeed! Why did she choose to bring children into this world if this is her point of view on marriage? She is setting a terrible example for her sons with this attitude toward marriage. I hope they don’t repeat it in their own lives.
Dana JK says
Thank you Gina C. for saying what I was thinking. Unfortunately, I was unable to have children but I am glad to be married to a man who loves despite that challenge. We have been married for 4 years and together for 7. Saying that she has never since a marriage work sounds like an excuse. Just becuase you have not seen it does not make it impossible. How many people thought they would not see a Black President in their lifetime? I agree with you marriage is work but any thing worth having is worth working for. So to me, Ms. Long has been unable to find the love of a good man who is willing to work on a relationship with her. Not just to co-parent. I think she buys into the excuse that alot of Black women make. If you are open to having a great and loving relationship, God will bring it to you. Don’t close yourself off with excuses that keep you from having the love you desire. Right, Gina?
Dororthy says
She didn’t say she would NEVER get married, it’s just not a priority & I personally don’t think it has to be. I’ve neveer seen a marriage work either, but I’m still engaged 2 be married & I have 2 children & don’t have a problem with the fact that my fiance and I had them 1st then decided to get engaged (he asked way b4 kids, I was the one who wanted to wait). It doesn’t make my relationship with God any less because of it. As the saying goes, it takes all kinds & God knows her heart. Cudos to Nia, be happy, single & a great mom!
Shay says
Nia didn’t say that was the reason she’s not married, she just made an observation. The author of this article stated this is probably why she isn’t married yet. She also stated that marriage is not a priority right now. I believe in marriage, but not just for the sake of the kids. I have seen many loveless marriages where each person is waiting for the kids to turn 18. Trust me, her kids will be okay no matter what.
Kevin Rasberry says
This is truly sad. But we are aware of it because we all see the failure of Career before Marriage. Totally unstable. It’s sad because people don’t want to invest in life and the greatness of finding the one so they come up with “I just want to be single.” Some of us want to sit back and wait for the light over our head to say “Your Ready”. We are waiting for the perfect relationship and if that is your thought process then your right to think of being single because perfect relationships don’t exist. Anybody who had a child or children didn’t want to be with someone. I focus and write books about men and this is just interesting and sad. But if she likes it we should love it.
@yo_q_crush says
you cant look at a healthy marriage in the same way you look at other tangible goals. Going to school has a desired end, a degree/certification even a job has a tangible end with payment every two weeks. Marriage is a faithwalk, and my pastor wife summed it up at the end of the day each person has to answer to God for their actions within the union so I no longer carry the burden of worrying about what the other is doing.
Thats why the biggest worry I have with those who get married are those who dont have a solid foundation in God because he is the ONLY way you will survive in a marriage.
A couple of pastors I admire put it the best way I have ever heard it. “you dont get married to be happy but you get married to be HOLY” Meaning everything that takes place in the course of the marriage (good bad ugly) should force you to seek/chase God. In every circumstance if you seek His guidance and His word instead of leaning on your own understanding, not only will you find the answers but you are solidifying your relationship with Him.
if she makes you mad, see if there was anything you did to trigger that, pray to God to show you how to respond and love her, as God loved you, in spite of the circumstance.
“Act like they are acting like you want them to act and see how they act”
Lis says
You don’t have to be or get married to be HOLY. Paul, in the Bible, is the perfect example of that. (Read up on his marriage stance) If I can’t be HAPPY in a marriage, then I don’t want it. If marriage is you all’s thing, great, but everyone doesn’t have to desire marriage. Just live life according to the WORD. Signing off: #HappilySingle
Reginald Williams says
Does Paul stance on marriage supersede God’s? NOPE! But it’s interesting that you attempt to use Paul to justify your point. When Paul states that it’s not good for a man not to marry, he said that meaning it ain’t cool to get married just to have sex. However he says, since there is so much immorality (folks living in sexual sin & I am a father of two children born out of wedlock) in Corinth, that each person should have their own spouse and live under God’s will for that marriage. Folks need to stop playing these childest games.
Lis says
No, it does not supercede God’s. But, since the Bible is God-breathed, it is obvious that Paul’s point was not a problem. Secondly, I did not use it to justify my particular stance (directed toward yo q crush, not you), I used it to show that one does not have to be married to be HOLY! Paul was very holy and single. Next, Paul said that it would be great if one could remain single, because then the will of God could be done without family obligations, but if you cannot (because of raging harmones), marry. (Paraphrased) Like I said, if marriage is for you all, go for it. This discussion won’t change my mind; only God can do that, if He has marriage in the plan for me.
@yo_q_crush says
but you trying to be “happy” wont work. Are you always happy in life in general? NO so what happens when your spouse doesnt make you HAPPY.
Happy is subjective and could be based on a myriad of decisions that have nothing to with having a healthy/successful marriage.
and I NEVER said the only way you can be Holy is through marriage. You have plenty of people that use happiness as the MAIN reason for developing a desire to be married and that isnt enough.
In being married your spouse will push you to be more holy because of you respond to things in a more spiritually based manner. If he/she makes you mad instead of yelling you pray, not only does it resolve the issue its pushing you closer to God (becoming more holy)
stephanieb says
I understand your point yo q crush, I think that Lis may be a little sensitive on this subject as are many of us women, because we are just so tired of relationships, period. I understand where you are coming from Lis, I too don’t have a great desire to get married right now either, and suffice to say, I have never really even been in love, and I’m 30 years old. I know it sounds lame, but I just can’t give my heart to anybody and nowadays you have to be really careful who you trust because there are some really crazy people out here. I agree that you don’t have to be married to be holy, but I think what yo q crush is saying is that marriage should make you even holier because as you go through different marriage trials you should grow in your relationship with Christ and in your faith. I’d like to think of a good marriage as “iron sharpening iron”, in which I push you to be better and you push me to be better. Sad thing is, most people, black, white, male and female, are not interested in this in regards to marriage and are only in it for themselves. Hence, that is why I am not really interested in marriage at the moment because people are just too selfish and stuck on themselves to really give their all to a marriage. Until people change, marriage as an institution will continue to suffer.
Lis says
Agreed!! Also, your perspective brought clarity to his comment. Thanks!
Denise Barreto says
One exception to your comment – being an entrepreneur is much like marriage. There is no desired “end” and it is indeed a faith walk. I’m doing it now with the support of my husband of 11 years and it is amazing but there are no guarantees. Even when you have a contract with a client – they can not pay or many of the other scenarios that entrepreneurs encounter. However, much like marriage – it is worth it to have the freedom to work on the projects I get to lent my talent to; it is not without sacrifice and pain but the reward is indescribable. Much peace to you – great comments.
Fred says
Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I felt the same way about marriage that Nia feels. But when I matured and became a follower of Christ, my perspective changed from being dismissive of marriage and family to being a believer in marriage and family. God blessed me to wait until He led me to the woman who would be my soul mate and life partner, and twenty years later, we are still holding on to God’s unchanging hand! To God be the glory! We’ve had our trials and ups and downs. Every marriage will have that. But by putting God first and laying your all on the altar before Him, He will help your marriage weather every storm and make it stronger and last longer. Don’t let the weather outside your home dictate the climate inside your home. God bless you all and keep the faith. Fred @ yurconnected (dot) blogspot (dot) com
Reginald Williamsq says
Does Paul stance on marriage supersede God’s? NOPE! But it’s interesting that you attempt to use Paul to justify your point. When Paul states that it’s not good for a man not to marry, he said that meaning it ain’t cool to get married just to have sex. However he says, since there is so much immorality (folks living in sexual sin & I am a father of two children born out of wedlock) in Corinth, that each person should have their own spouse and live under God’s will for that marriage.
Folks need to stop playing these childest games.
Jennifer says
I grew up in a single parent household because my parents divorced when I was three. There are several members in my family who are married, most for a very long time. Their marriages are not perfect, but they work through their issues. When I got married, I knew that things were not always going to be perfect and that it would require work to make the marriage work. I don’t believe just because you have not seen a marriage work, does not mean you should write it off. What did not work for some, may work for you.
The Travelin Diva (Kirstin) says
Her comment saddens me. She’s never seen a marriage work?! Not one? I also find that a little hard to believe. It’s sad that her boys will not see that great marriage relationship in action on a daily basis.
I have seen very few marriages (of late) work, but that doesn’t make me not want it or applaud the positive images of marriage that I do see. All though I have seen a lot of divorces over the years, I look back on one marriage that went the distance…MY PARENTS. They were married 51 years when my father crossed over. 51 Years! Yes, they had their issues, yes there was adultery (which my Mother promptly shot him for …LOL which stopped that in its tracks) and they still made it work! So no matter what current negative images I see, from that image of marriage, I know that marriage is a serious step not be taken lightly and that true love will prevail over all!
Reginald Williams says
Look at our out-of-wedlock birthrates. Look at the percentage of incarcerated African-Americans, and look at the correlation between our inprisoned peopled and dysfunction families (irresponsible births based in immaturity). Compare those stats to the statistics of African American life pre-Civil Rights when marriage was as high as 9 in 10 families. And what you will discover is 21st life for black folks is as bad as ever including segregation. Every day in my career I see and experience the negative effects of single family homes. I go into these homes and witness anger mothers, unresponsive children and absentee fathers. It is a sad thing that Nia supports this position. Its truly ashame that we have folk who really think it cool to raise these alternative families.
Signed: Now married, but former single father who raised two children born out-of-wedlock.
stephanieb says
I agree Reginald, but I think that this kind of thinking is unfortunately a sign of the times. SMH about it too.
Yana says
I’ve heard alot of people say that they’ve never seen a marriage work. Oddly enough my experience has been the exact opposite. I come from a long line of stable, happy and enduring marriages. My parents have been married for almost 45 years. Grand parents, aunts, uncles…all had (til death) or are in in stable marriages. Repeated frustrations and disappointments with men are likely speaking for Nia, as opposed to a sincere desire to be a single mom. I no doubt believe that she loves her kids and has accepted her plight, but I don’t believe for one second that this is something she one day dreamed of.
On another note, her being on the cover of Essence as a single mom is receiving alot of flack. I personally don’t think that is fair considering single motherhood is a very real thing in the black community and alot of single mothers both buy and support the magazine. IMO, their voices should be heard and represented as well and not be constantly pushed under the rug like some dirty little secret…..
Lis says
Well said!
Jennifer says
One point Nia reveals is living by your own standards. She has chosen to be a mother if marriage comes that would be great but she still will proudly love and raise her family and that is something to commend.
The real situation in my opinion is this women choosing relationships that clearly will not result in marriage. Then secondly not having the patience to find a well suited partner and believing in the falllacies of playing house. Women become the losers in that game.
Yana says
Nah, the children become the real losers in that game, but amen to everything else!
I am in no way trying to knock single mom’s , but alot of single mothers that I know personally are quick to holler foul about their circustances when crystal clear evidence supporting the fact that the men they picked to father their child(ren) weren’t ish prior to conception. These lapses in judgement didn’t happen once, or twice, but in one instance I know of it happened six times, with six different men. Part of being a good mother requires displaying good judgement for your existing children and ones who have yet to be conceived. If marriage and family is something a woman desires, then popping out a bunch of kids prior to it happening is not prudent. The more outside kids you have, the more you reduce the pool of men who might otherwise marry you. Sorry, I’m not just whistling dixie, it’s the truth (and it works both ways with men with a bunch of kids too!). Not saying that you can control your destiny, cause you can’t, but you have a better chance of getting what you want out of life if you pay attention to how you live it.
Rasheeda says
Yana, I have nothing additional to add- except BRAVO! I agree 100%!
Tiya says
Well said Yana!
Jennifer says
On another note single hood happens to good women who did all the “right” things as well. Furthermore parenting does not end at age 18 so many mothers may face the stigma of being a single mother with suprise and later a feeling of disdain. None the less mothers and women should be respected for their choices and sacrifices made to their children.
Tiya says
The true sacrifice a parent makes to their children comes with making choices that aren’t always about us and our selfish ideas and thoughts. But truly putting the children first and providing them with the greatest opportunities to be successful in life and love. This comes from leading by example.
Victoria says
Not to be funny but marriage and celebrity in todays society does not seem to exist. But it seems like more celebrities are letting the media into their marriage,where in that case, I can see her point. But marriage is a very private thing. It can work, if you work at it and today its so very easy to just give up and quit (on both ends). This is also the reason why there are so many single parents out there also raising these kids bc its work. Any relationship is work, but sadly there are those who feel walking away is the easier choice.
Keeley @ My Life on a Plate says
I try to stay out of other people’s business, but…
My parents are divorced. It hurt me a lot. My childhood wasn’t perfect. However, I wanted better than what I saw growing up. Marriage before parenthood was a huge priority for me. My husband and I both grew up without our fathers in the home, but when we married at 24 we vowed to put in the work to make this happen. He’s been my biggest supporter through many jobs, three college degrees and now our journey into parenthood after 7+ years of marriage. When people tell me that they can raise children alone (by choice, not by circumstance) I wonder if they know firsthand what it feels like to grow up without one of their parents? You never get over it.
I’m appalled by the statistics of out-of-wedlock births and low marriage rates in the Black community. We can do better. Our children deserve better.
Every person has a choice to make regarding marriage and family, but make sure you consider your children’s future and not just your own interests.
John Glover says
I’ve been married going on 20yrs now and it continues to work because we work at it.
I feel sorry for those who have yet to see a marriage work where both people are happy.
It amazes me how there are always articles in so called black publications that want to portray our women as “Happy not being married”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you have to be married to be happy but the agenda being push is an anti-marriage agenda in my opinion, making it seem ok to our kids and those who will follow that it “cool” to have kids out of wedlock and have multiple baby daddies/mommas.
Rarely do you see white publication promoting this very things. But as long as they are willing to pay there is a market for ni$$as
Denise Barreto says
Excellent observation and kudos to your 20 year marriage!
Siritha Ritell says
I personally am not married and have yet to find a man to convenience me otherwise…But I am ALL for marriage. Especially in the black community. I love to see people in love and if they are happliy married too that gives me joy…
Oluwatosin says
God’s original intention was for godly children to be raised in godly homes by godly parents. But because of challenges encountered in marriages today, you find people cutting corners-anyway, anyhow to do it the way it suits them. However, if we don’t do things the God-kind of way, we’re bound to face the consequences sooner or later.
For Nia Long and others who belong to her school of thought, if she hasn’t seen any marriage work, why did she go on to have kids? She’s inadvertently contributing to the decay in the system!!
We can’t eat our cakes and have it. Basically, it’s all about how much we love and fear God and how much we respect His laws and upholding that decision not to compromise, no matter what!!
This life we have is a gift from God; and it’s all about God and never about us. God comes first.
Tiya says
Amen!
Anonymous says
Perfectly said! Thank you Jesus! God wants everything to be done in decency and order…EVERYTHING and when it’s not you do have to suffer some consequences behind it. He will still cover you and keep you but He will chastise those whom he loves…regardless if you’re a celebrity or not!
Jennifer says
So she and other women should not have children … Irony
Tiya says
No, but maybe reconsider marriage for the sake of those children. If a person is worthy enough to have children with they should be worthy enough to marry.
Lis says
Producing children doesn’t make you worthy enough to marry. I see your point, though. I, myself, would never marry my child’s father, though as a young, immature teen I thought otherwise (got pregnant at 17). Some people make mistakes and children come out of it. Does that make it right? Not at all. But, I would not recommend living in misery simply because a pregnancy occurred, because that will surely be a negative environment for the child(ren). Should Nia and others purposely produce children for the sake of being a single mother? No, absolutely not. But, I, nor anyone else know the real reasoning behind her not being with her baby’s father.
Tiya says
I get that. Not everyone who has children together should be married.
@yo_q_crush says
This is a great dialog and its enlightening to see the other side of the conversation.
I guess the biggest question I have is why is that so many people find it ok to sleep with people that they have no desire/interest in developing healthy long lasting amicable relationships with, so that if pregnancy does occur, they can be good co-parents.
you see so many horror stories about men/women who have great disdain for the other parent, but its funny you werent hating them when you slept with them. And that person that is existing now was that same chick/dude that you couldnt wait to get in the bed, you just didnt care to get to know that side of them.
No I wasnt a virgin when i got married but EVERY girl i slept with I felt comfortable enough knowing that if she got pregnant, I could see myself co-existing in her and the child life forever (not just until he/she was 18)
and thats where the entire issue of sex before marriage comes from. Its out of order and its creating an environment where anything can occur with someone you potentially wont like the next day.
and no im not in favor of getting married just because you have a child either. Its time for us to stop letting our flesh dictate what we do and have self control.
“but Im lonely, I got needs, urges” so… go do something be active, you only probably feeling that way because an idle mind is a devils workshop
shoot i need more money and i like lavish things but Im not crazy enough to do something illegal/immoral just to add to my bank account.
Take control over your mind/thoughts you have the power
*steps off large soapbox* sorry for the lengthy dissertation
@yo_q_crush (tweet me)
stephanieb says
I totally agree! I find that some people will try to justify anything to support their lifestyle. Then when things don’t go their way they are the first to pout and complain, go figure!!
Lis says
Your statement is hypocritical, really. Although you slept with girls you could “get along” with, you did not “marry” them. So, something must have been found out about them “later on” that you did not like. No, you all did not “produce” children while “sinning,” but, that doesn’t make it any more “righteous” in my eyes, and certainly not GOD’s! I’m thankful for my lessons, they all made me the strong person I am today.
Len says
It’s sad that Nia gave up, however, (pure speculation) she (like a lot of women) are NOT attracted to the man she should be with, possibly because she’s chasing the “ghost” of her daddy in the men she selects, trying to reconcile the injustices suffered earlier in her life. You cannot hold a man accountable for what you suffered in past relationships, however, when you submit that emotional invoice to that man who has the essence of your father, you start the cycle (pattern) all over again… Have you ever wondered why some women keep picking the “same kind of man” over and over again? “If you don’t know now you know… [Biggy]”
Mrs. Dillard-Ann Meeble says
So many great comments. After 30 years with my husband I can say that if you can commit to your children after they are conceived, yet before they are born, and while they are sight unseen, then you can commit to Mr. He A-ight. You don’t rid yourself of a baby that is not as cute as a movie star or as musical as a platinum recording artist or as rich as an oil sheik–you commit to love and cherish that infant til death do you part. You cannot love a baby more than to work it out with the baby’s dad; blind, crippled or crazy, funny-lookin, broke or lazy- if he’s not hitting you or addicted, he a-ight…your baby loves, needs and wants him.
Lis says
Maybe settling is fine for you, but not for me!!! My son is better off with just me, trust me. If a man doesn’t want to be a father, no wedding paper will fix that. I get compliments from all who come into contact with him how great of a child he is: smart, well-mannered, and respectful. God is the best father I could have given him!
Tiya says
Lis, you are correct God is the best father for us all. I do feel children benefit greatly by having both parents play a significant role in their lives (married or not). It’s unfortunate your child’s father decided not to be involved.
Lis says
I agree. It would be wonderful if he’d help me out, especially with all the sporting events and barbershop appointments, but….it is all his loss (and I refuse to let it get me down).
Kwame says
There are advantages and disadvantage of both ways of life, whether single or married with kids. The middle class was actually brought into to existence as a result of the two parent household model. The two parent household model was a socio-economic catalyst for many white communities. Two parent households were the foundation of social mobility for white middle class families. They are doing a disservice to us by promoting the “Love and Hip-Hop” lifestyle as an ideal model. Can we evolve with that as our operating model? The editors of the magazine specifically emphasized the quote “I have never seen a marriage work” for a reason; social conditioning. This is clearly designed to structure cognitive patterns and social behavior. This is an extension of the “independent woman/planned single motherhood” movement. Nia is beautiful and she looks happy on the cover, but I am sure she could have many more reasons to smile if she had a suitable spouse.
stephanieb says
I love your comment Kwame, so true, as a psychology major in college, this is clearly social conditioning at its finest, and people are buying into it too!
Denise Barreto says
Wow Kwame – I love your comments and stephanieb- we must be aware how these images impact us.
Thanks to you both
Melissa says
As a single mother of two, there’s not a day that goes by that my heart doesn’t cry out to God for mercy and grace to bear the consequences of the decisions I made to have them out of wedlock. As someone stated earlier, it was because of my decision to have children with a man who did not have the character necessary to honor me and to lead a family that I placed them in this situation. While we should support single mothers (we need it) we must be careful not to take on a proud spirit as single mothers. Regardless of how we feel, we must consider that our children are going through things emotionally that no amount of toys, hugs and “good raising” can compensate for as a result of having an absent father. We must be honest before God Almighty about our decisions and broken before Him. Marriage was HIS design and for good reason. All of the drama we see and experience today is because we thought our ways were better than His. Not so. I believe firmly in marriage and deeply desire to be married one day. Even though marriage to their father isn’t possible, I do pray that God will send the right mate to me so that my children will be raised in the stability and covering of a two parent home. They deserve it and I’m willing to fight for it until we get it.
Tiya says
Melissa, this is the most heartfelt and honest take I’ve heard on single parenthood. I pray that God will bless you and your family. This discussion would not have been complete without a comment like this! Thank you,
Lis says
Well, Melissa, I am a proud, single mother. I moped around in the beginning, but I could not continue in that cycle, because that would not have been healthy for me or my son. I had to get up and take courage….something I am sure Jesus would want. We should not be “proud” of sin, but I am proud of my son. I am not broken. I have asked for forgiveness and moved forward, in God’s strength alone. It has been 10 years, and I wouldn’t give him up for anything. Do I advocate marriage to others (especially those shacking up or want children)? Yes, I do, because I know that that is the responsible way, God’s way. But, marriage is something that I, personally, do not desire (anymore). I do make sure to tell my son that the way I got him was wrong. I urge him to do things God’s way…marriage first.
Signing off: To each his own views….blessed day.
Lis says
https://solofemininity.blogs.com/posts/2010/07/singleparents.html
stephanieb says
Excellent comment Melissa and I too am so glad that you commented! God bless you and your children and I pray that God will bless you with a wonderful man who will love you and your children. I so agree, people underestimate the impact that missing a parent in the home has on a child. I know from experience in growing up without my father and to this day I still have relationship issues and fear real intimacy. You can have a great life as a result of growing up in a single parent household, but I think that it’s undeniable that the child will be setup from the beginning to deal with relationship issues that those who come from a LOVING, two-parent home probably don’t have to deal with.
Sam says
?”Never Seen A Marriage Work” – that’s a lame excuse, all she had to do is look around … eg. Barack & Michelle Obama …
It’s her lame excuse in selfishness … she just want’s the child, she does not want or need a man … very poor example from a high profile person … no wonder relationships fail … a very poor examples of a person the world is seeing … so called “Role Model!”
Keisha says
If you don’t want to get married such as Nia at this time just say that only. Don’t add in the BS about not seeing a marriage work. Some marriages end same as relationships, but she entered into them. Some children are cared for fully and many are not, yet she has two. Black women are in Hollywood, but still struggle for roles yet she chose that as her profession. Give me a break..tell me you feel you are not ready or at this time it’s not for you but don’t put on the front of Essence or proclaim you’ve never seen any work…even if one ends at 20 it worked for some point and then didn’t. To say you aren’t doing something because some things in that aspect doesn’t work is a copout…just say you don’t want to and noone can pressure you too. That’s more honest than that other reason. Rationally, would you say you don’t drive because there are so many car accidents, no.
Yul says
I like what Samantha said. People go into marraige for the wrong reason. Marriage is like a job, you have to work at it. I have been married for 24 years (25 on December 19th), My parents were married for 38 years until my father passed away, they did not have a perfect marriage they had their disagreements, but they worked through the difficults time due to thier VOWS. I know couples from my Church home (St.Paul Missionary Baptist Church) in Sacramento, California were the Pastor is Dr. Emphraim William has been married for a wide range of years from 1-50 years. Pastor Willaims was married to his wife for 51 years until she passed away. Marriage is a committment and a contract to work together to honor God. If you go into a marriage looking to get your way all the time, it will fail. The man has to be committed to please his wife and vice versa. I like Nia as an actress but because of her warp beliefs and people like her I will pray for them.
Kim Redwine says
I disagree with many of the thoughts here. I am certain that any one of my five children would agree that my marriage is not perfect, but none of my relationships are. I love my family with everything in me, but we do not always get along, my children included. We work through issues and move on. I truly love being married. My husband and I force ourselves to regularly
spend time together doing activites we enjoy regardless of how busy we are. There is not a person inside or outside our home who would tell you that we enjoy and love one another. I am thankful that God has blessed me with a wonderful marriage. It is discouraging to know that others don’t have it.