By Eric Payne
Portions of this post originally appeared at MakesMeWannaHoller.com.
“Children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely to be poor, to use drugs, to experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems, to be victims of child abuse, and to engage in criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.”*
*Source: The National Fatherhood Initiative, 2010
Not too long ago my son sought to demean me by referring to me as “just” his stepdad. It was during an extremely tense moment when I had had enough of his shenanigans. I was tired of always being the bad guy, tired of always having to repeat myself, tired of not getting through.
Apparently on this night, just four days before Father’s Day, I got through to him so clearly he told me in so many words to step off. Though I had always hoped I’d never hear those words come out of his mouth, I knew without knowing that they would eventually come, sooner or later. In my head I had sort of scheduled myself to be prepared by his junior or senior year of high school. But on that June day he was just a freshman.
Luckily my wife was around to prevent me from losing sight of myself — my place as the male role model in the home, the father, the man who was about to make a boy regret being born. Truth is, in that moment he probably did regret being born.
During the twenty-four hours that followed our incident I thought so many things I never imagined I’d think. Among them: “I don’t need this,” “How did I get myself into this situation?” “How am I going to get out of this?”
I didn’t beat myself up for my thoughts. After all, I’m only made of flesh and blood. It’s better to acknowledge your humanity and work through it, then to deny it and explode later due to the self-imposed pressure.
While I was regrouping I remembered a conversation I had with one of my son’s doctors. I didn’t know my boy’s full medical history. Embarrassed, I admitted that I was the stepdad, not the dad who’s never laid eyes on his flesh and blood. The doctor stopped me cold.
“Don’t ever speak like that again,” he reprimanded. “You’re the dad who stepped up, so I’m going to march to your steps because you have the lead.”
I almost started crying. It was indescribably heartwarming to be acknowledged by a complete stranger for what sometimes feels like such a thankless venture.
It was also preparation for my pre-Father’s Day incident with the boy.
So yes, I AM the Stepdad. The dad who attends all the games. The dad who has been with the boy since he was five years old — back when he was little and cute, and I was just a boyfriend.
In the aftermath of my altercation with my son I told him that biological fathers don’t get to pick their kids. I had the obligation-free luxury to be able to choose him not because I was dating his mother, but because I loved him. And I’ve never wavered in my service to him.
To call me “stepdad” may well have been one of the nicest things he’s ever said.
Don’t lose heart step parents. No matter what that child might say to you, they need you desperately. And so does society.
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), you can follow Eric on Twitter, or on his Facebook Page. He is the creator and author of MakesMeWannaHoller.com, his blog on fatherhood and marriage. Check out his restaurant reviews and NYC tourism articles at NYMetropolista.com. He’s also a contributing relationship writer for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
Carolyn says
Good for you you step up when you needed to so that makes you the dad. any man can father a child but it takes a real man to be a dad. keep up the good work
Happy Nappy Bride says
As a new stepmom, I truly appreciate your words. It's sometimes hard to find my place in “their” world…thanks so much!
TheMrs says
As a stepmom the situations tend to be different because the child primarily lives with the mother and only visits with dad. Alot of time the biological parents feel threatened by the stepparents presence in their child's life. Stay encouraged in all that you do and be sure that what you are doing is because of your love for the child and father and not because of an obligation or to one-up the bio parent.
Now that my stepchildren are older(all in their late teens) I have told them that I have absolutely no obligation to do anything for you but I do what I do because I love them and I choose to.
keshia says
I would like to say that I really appreciate you for stepping up as a stepdad. I have a dad who has not been involved in my life. I have a stepdad (who has been married to my mom for almost 13 years) who does NOT & has NOT stepped up…..and quite frankly it SUCKS-which I feel is a double whammy for me as a 24YO female who constantly fights this horrible, sinking feeling type of void of not being protected or loved by the dominant men in my life . I also see the effects my stepdad's behavior has on my 9 year old brother who desires/needs that kind of energy you pour into your son. Your son will definitely thank you later when he gets older (which will come sooner than you think) and understands how blessed he is to have you in his life. The energy and love that you pour into his life will be something he will later cherish & emulate with his children/grandchildren…so just keep loving him even when he wants you to step off.
epayne says
Be blessed. All of you.
@ Keshia – I know it's hard, but pray for God to step-in and get somebody (if not dad or step dad) to step up for you and your little brother. Maybe you should consider getting him involved in a big-brother program or a mentor program. It might make the man jealous at first but if he's not doing what he's supposed to then find the man/men who have dedicated themselves to do so.
busybodyk says
This brought tears to my eyes. I've been blessed with two wonderful step-parents and I've never thought of them as “just” anything. I have 4 parents. Period.
Anna says
That was a “Kleenex” moment. My husband, my kids step dad have never utterd a unkind word towards each other. My kids either call him by his first name or “Pops”, or even reference him as ” My Step Dad”, when introducing him to the latest “stray kid” they brought home. My dad is a “Step Dad” to a couple of my siblings. You would never know it. He did step up to the plate and took care of all of us as though we all belonged to him, that is the same thing my husband did with my kids, “stepped up” and along with their dad helped me raise 3 kids.
M.B says
I am a 30yr old mother of 2 one of which my husband is the step-father of, he been in the life of my son son since he was 1 at the age of 7 he see's him as the dad of our house, my situation may be a tad bit different because his biological is also present, but in another home, I thank my husband as the ” father of our house” for being a man and taking the role, as a Parent no matter bio or trio, But the “Parent” and I pray that my Son never feels a difference!
Mykedyme says
I am a stepmother to my husband two children and I also have two children of my own. This issue is a up hill battle in my life; almost to the point of me calling it quits. My two live with us but his two come twice a month. when they come we barely speak to each other and even though they have never said it their actions reflect that of me just being “stepmom”. I demand respect from all the children but the genuine love is lacking. My two children and my husband realtionship is great (thats their dad in the absence of their bio). I need help before its to late!!!
Jenise Bradshaw says
I have been there. I was about 14, when things went downhill for my father and I. He is the only father I ever had and I am greatfull for him. I agree with your statement that you “step-parents choose.” My approach with my son is to tell him straight up that I did the best for him when I chose his father and that is the ONLY father he knows. I was honest (pooring my heart out honest) with my son for fear that my own child will put me through what I put may parents through. I so regret that time. We have not had that type of incident, however we were close. My son has taken us through somethings that made me wonder who child he is, “not mine.”
http://www.iamsocialbutterfly.com
Desiree says
It may not seem like it now…..but one day he will thank you. The day that my “step-dad” walked me down the aisle on my wedding, I realize that I had the greatest gift any girl could have been given: a man who loved me as his daughter even when he didn’t have to. After he and my mom split as a child, he could have walked out….because like you point out, for men who didn’t birth their children – it is a choice. And thank GOD Almighty that my dad chose to stay, even when he was not obligated to. My dad and I didn’t always see eye to eye, but it was a process and now we have a beautiful relationship. He is the only father I’ve ever known.
I believe your son will come around….just give it time.
A father is not biological – its someone who is there and assumes the responsibility.
-Desiree http://www.thelovejourney.com
Whitneys124 says
Thank you so much for these encouraging words. You are obviously a wonderful parent and I strive to be as well….”step” that is. Proud to be a step-parent.
Whitneys124 says
Thank you so much for these encouraging words. You are obviously a wonderful parent and I strive to be as well….”step” that is. Proud to be a step-parent.