by Tara Pringle Jefferson
Dear Tara,
Congratulations on the wedding! It was beautiful – I know you were pretty much blind the whole day because you didn’t have time to put your contacts in, but trust me, everything was goregous.
You made a beautiful bride, and now it’s time to tell you how to become a beautiful wife. I know, I know – you think you have it all together. But there are some lessons you should learn sooner rather than later. It will save you a lot of heartache.
1. You two are a team. I can hear you now saying, “I already know that.” But do you really know that? Do you really understand what this means? When “two becomes one” is not just some cutesy saying. It’s a reality. All problems that come up need to be solved as a team. What hurts you hurts him and vice versa.
2. Love is always necessary. Give more than you expect to receive in order to get as much as you deserve. In other words, quit keeping score. He loves you and you love him. Concentrate on giving him all the love you have and worry a lot less about how much love he’s slinging back. He’s a great man and he will love you the best way he knows how if you give him a chance.
3. It’s okay to take the cape off. I know you feel a lot of pressure to be Superwoman: cook dinner every night, keep the laundry to a minimum, pay the bills and still have energy for um, nighttime activities. But no one is holding you to these expectations – they are all in your head. You are a wonderful person and everyone knows this. There’s nothing to prove. Keep doing your part, but don’t be afraid to ask for help. Here’s a tip to get you started: Ask your husband to fold the clothes while he watches football on Sundays. He’ll be happy to do it.
BMWK family, what advice would you give yourself as a newlywed?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
This is cute! Tara, what expectations did your husband have of you, if not the ‘Superwoman’ ones you described.
Concerning #1, did you.. (and do you think others).. do their spouse a ‘favor’ by trying to handle somethings on their own? How’s that work out usually?
Thanks for sharing!
This is cute! Tara, what expectations did your husband have of you, if not the ‘Superwoman’ ones you described.
Concerning #1, did you.. (and do you think others).. do their spouse a ‘favor’ by trying to handle somethings on their own? How’s that work out usually?
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for your comment, “Just Me.” When I got married, I thought I had to be perfect. Cook dinner every night with a smile, do laundry, clean the house, etc., etc., all after working an 8-hour shift. But I found out that my husband married me not because he wanted some 1950s housewife, but someone who does her best every day and if the laundry doesn’t get done today, no biggie.
It’s fine to handle some issues on your own, but if you don’t realize that the decisions you make affect your family, then you’re missing the whole aspect of marriage. I had to learn that “we” came before “me” – it was a difficult lesson to learn…
I would advise me to remind myself often that this man was created for me and I for him…when we took our vows, we accepted the responsibility to take accountability for each others life & destiny. It is my responsibility to be my husbands biggest champion even if he may forget to be mine on some days, I have to remember not to always HAVE to say something about things I don’t like…somethings are better left to prayer & trusting God to touch his heart and change him without my mouth chiming in–the changes are so much more powerful when God speaks to Him.
The most important thing that I remind myself & all my married friends is to TRUST GOD, put Him first and rest in the fact that He knows what is best for us & He gives us the grace every day to support each other–my husband will NEVER be what God created Him to be without me & I will never be what I am purposed to be without him…the trials, struggles, victories & laughter is the journey that God gave us to grow our character…TOGETHER…and I would never want this journey with anyone else!
Tara–I also wanted to point out that two BECOME one..the Word automatically told us that it was a process. Some people desire it overnight, but that is NOT the case…it takes work and as you said, it is a difficult lesson to learn, but one that will make or break your marriage!
No disrespect, but why does so many refer to certain marriage duties as ” 1950’s housewife work”, I mean the duties still have/had to be done, but why does it have to be refered to as something that was done back in the “stone age” but not to be done now. I know many women who would be, no let me rephrase myself- who did live during that time that would be offended by the negative connotations put on them because of the tireless efforts that they put into their homes and families. Like I said I am not tring to be disrespectful but we as a younger generation of women can learn quite a few things from the women of that day, maybe many of our families would still be intact.
@Stacy – I don’t mean “1950s housewife” as derogatory. I might be a youngin’ but it doesn’t mean that I don’t respect women (from all generations) that hold it down in their families. I just mean that times were simpler, there weren’t as many two-income households and other commitments that took up your spare time. Today’s society is very different and I had to come to terms with what motherhood and marriage meant to ME, not try to fit into some ideal from societial influences.
Wow, this topic almost made me cry just thinking about the things I would’ve shared with a newlywed me. The most important thing I would’ve made clear is that there is a possibility that the “dreamlife” you two envision may not come to fruition. Be prepared, and ready to handle a dream deferred. Children, believe it or not, will change the plans somewhat, but you two will be just fine, as long as you keep God first!
Just a question. “The ‘dreamlife’ you two envision may not come to fruition.” Is that dreamlife, which you said “be prepared to handle a dream deferred” not make fruition b/c it is your will and not HIS, cuz when you keep God first you deferred to His will.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
GREAT post Tara! This is an exercise my wife and I often you in our workshops and it never fails that this activity always stirs something up in the couples.
Stay bless and continue the GREAT writings.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Exactly Reggie. It was what we wanted and obviously not in God’s will for our lives. The flip side is that we were blessed in other way’s we couldn’t have imagined years ago either. I spent valuable time in the past with some feelings of resentment (which was actually just immaturity) because promises were not fulfilled…but I matured, he continued to love and we’re still together and still in love…after 15 yrs of marriage. You said it best, we surrendered and deferred to His will. Thanks, brotha!
love this post!! I am in year 5 of my marriage and the first half of it was spent counting points and hurting each other to get even. But the second half has been the road to recovery for our love. this website has truly encouraged us both to put forth 1000% to make it work. thanks BMWK!!
Love your testimony and transparency. Please keep telling your story so that married couples who are struggling will know how to work in oneness through that struggle.
Peace B un2 U
What advise would you give a woman engaged to be married, that is very strong, independent and is strugglin with the concept of WE. I can handle all aspects of running the household, and raising the kids since Ive been a single mom up til this point but the giving up the ME or WE has been much more challenging that I thought it would be.
I would rem d myself to not compare my marriage or how I raise my children to anyone else. I would tell me then to create my own experience and stop listening to all the other noise that tries to tell you who you should be and how you should live. Furthermore, I would pat myself on the back for the courage to love everyday and make a decision to be a good wife and mother, making choices that reflect that decision daily.
Great post, I will share this with the wife. Thank you.