by Saviela Edwards Thorne
Life after a miscarriage is everything but easy. Your entire life changes every time you see a pregnant woman or pass the baby items in stores, memories begin to haunt your mind. Your heart aches every time you hear the words, “You’re not pregnant”. You feel, like no one in the world understands what you’re going through and the ones you try to tell feel like you should be over it by now. Reality is: I’m not and I don’t know when I will ever be.
As a newlywed we had so many happy moments. My heart could hardly take anymore. We were contestants on the Game Show Network, The Newlywed Game Show. We had countless mini vacays. We were still receiving wedding gifts a year after our wedding. Not to mention the wedding itself, which many said would be impossible to pull off, had over 700 guests and nearly 500 guests at our reception. It was truly a dream come true!Days after, we went on our first cruise ship to the Bahamas.
We had a picture perfect first year of marriage. A little before our first year anniversary we decided we wanted to start a family. And shortly after. it happened during our one year anniversary trip to Disney World! Well I guess they were right…Disney World is the place where dreams do come true. But soon after, our dream quickly turned into a nightmare.
It was New Year’s Eve and I was one of the fortunate people who had to work. We just found out days before that I was pregnant nearly 5 weeks. As I was preparing for work I had sharp pains in my side that were becoming progressively worse. I have a history of fibroids and figured that was causing the pain so I told my husband we needed to go to the emergency room. After spending nearly 4 hours there, we received a report we never thought we would hear, “you’re facing a possible miscarriage”. Our hearts immediately dropped, but we were comforted by the scripture Romans 8:28
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”
We went home since it was New Year’s Eve and my doctor’s office was closed. I had to wait until Jan 2nd to find out what was going on. I spent two days in grueling pain. On Jan. 2nd, my mother-in-law took me to the doctor’s office. As the young lady was doing the ultra sound, I could see in her eyes something was not right. The doctor called us in and said 1) the fetus is stuck in the tube and will not survive, 2) he feared there was internal bleeding because of how tender my stomach was and 3) he would have to perform an emergency surgery. My first reaction was whoa this can’t be happening. I was in complete shock! As we were walking across the street my heart dropped as it hit me like a brick, I lost my baby. All the joy quickly turned into pure sadness and grief. I saw it in my husband’s eyes too when he asked me if there was a heartbeat.
Recovery went well and I was released the same day. My doctor told my family that he was glad we caught it when we did because if I would have waited any longer I would have been unconscious because of the internal bleeding. The first couple of weeks went well but it wasn’t until the next couple of months that I experienced what I called a relapse. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was dwelling on what had happened or the fear that it could happen again. I had my moments, sometimes pretty bad as I went through the stages of grief.
What held me together during this entire ordeal is my faith in God and my powerful support of family and friends. I thank God for my husband who may have not understood everything that was going on with me, but stood right there holding my hand. My faith in God and His ability to see the future and know what was ahead helped me face the next day’s uncertainty. I questioned God, why would He allow this to happen to me and His words to me were “this is for my glory” “I am in control”. Those words brought so much peace and comfort to my heart and soul. Do I still have times where I think about it? Yes of course because my life has changed. I am not the same person I was before. I am grateful for life and for the second chance God has given me.
I wanted to share my story because I know that someone may be facing or has faced a similar situation and does not know how to conquer it. Its ok to grieve but the key is not to let it consume you and rob you of your joy, peace and hope which gives you the faith to carry on. The thought of one day holding my little bundle of joy in my arms helps me each day to keep pressing on no matter how bleak the situation may look. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to live life the way God intended, happily and healthy.
BMWK – if you have ever been through a similar situation, how did you find healing?
Saviela and Larry Thorne Jr. married on December 10, 2011 in Summerville, SC. They currently live in Columbia, South Carolina. They are both active in their local churches. Contact them at [email protected].
Cassandra says
I also experienced a tubal pregnancy. I didn’t have any pain. I was just going in for my first ultrasound and they couldn’t find the baby. They sent me to the emergency room and my husband meet me there. It hit once I was prepping for surgury that it was real and I started to cry. My recovery went well and my family was there to support. My faith and testimony if surviving gave me encouragement but the amount of women who came and told me they experienced the same thing was overwhelming. So many woman have experienced this and still went on to have successful births. I taught to myself – ok I can do this and someday in the future when God is ready to bless me with another one we will be ready!
risap says
Hi enjoyed the article..i myself have experience a miscarriage 5 years ago..since then have not been preganant since then…So i still struggle from time to time me and my hubby
Perkisha says
Thanks so much for sharing your story! It very much mirrors my own. My husband and I first son was stillborn at 21 weeks. It’s been very hard but we have alot of support. People often don’t think as miscarriage or stillbirth as the death of a child, but it is! Sharing your story will definitely inspire others to get through the pain of losing thier baby!
Tee says
I lost my firstborn son at 25 1/2 weeks along. Thought I would never recover from losing him. Had several thoughts of ending my life. Only thing I can say is that I put one foot in front of the other each day. Sometimes it was through a veil of tears, but I did it. This was 16 months ago. Not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my son, who he’d look like, be like, smell like, etc.
Even though I am currently expecting his sibling, my heart and soul still aches for my first little boy.
pregnant symptoms says
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Tamryn says
As I write this I’m down deep underneath my bed covers, in a dark room with an even darker heart.
It’s only hours ago I found out my baby is no longer alive. I don’t know how I feel, or maybe I do, I just don’t know how fully express the pain I feel. Last week I had a dream about him. Even tho he wasn’t fully formed yet he kicked his was out of my tummy just so that I could see him. He smiled at me and I panicked. I tried pushing him back in but he kept fighting to come back out. I rushed to the hospital to check if his heart was still beating but when I woke up, I couldn’t remember the ending. I guess now I know. He never made it. I guess all he wanted to do was see me and let me know he was happy.
I know God has a plan for me. May hid Mercy n Love see me through this.
PS: I Love u my baby, forever and always
Anonymous says
I too have recently suffered my first miscarriage… My partner is amazing… However our sister in law and now my partners best friend just had a baby today…. I saw the picture and felt so guilty and sad and jealous… A month along and still feel my loss so deep… I wish I was holding my baby also… I would be 5 mrhs right now had I not suffered this… I feel for all of you beautiful sisters…
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