by Harriet Hairston
Please allow me to caveat this article with the following disclaimer: this is not an attack on churches. It is a real discussion about how some individuals VIEW church, and thus cause what God created as beautiful to turn into a monstrosity. I love the Lord and His people. This article is not designed to discourage anyone from attending and serving in church.
That said:
Sometimes I wonder if church is all it’s cracked up to be. Don’t get me wrong: I was raised in the church. Both my husband and I are in love with Jesus Christ, and our marriage is centered around Him. Yet there was a skewed balance for a time that almost tore our marriage apart. The “church” was the other woman that disrupted my time with my husband. It was the sugar daddy that fed into my need for attention and affection. We were both heavily involved in ministry, from music to teaching; small groups to street ministry…we did it all.
But home was a mess! We could barely stand one another’s company because of the twisted mindset we had towards ministry:
- We felt like above our tithe, most of our money was supposed to go to the needs of the church.
- If we had a date or family time planned out, and a last minute, poorly planned church project came up, we would drop everything to attend so as to be thought of as “faithful.”
- We were more devoted to our relationships with our pastors and leaders than we were to growth in our relationship with one another.
And like sands through the hourglass, these were the days of our lives. It all sounds so sick and twisted. How could such a pure and holy thing be so misconstrued and maligned? I can tell you first hand that it has nothing to do with the four walls of a building, or the teaching and preaching of pastors across the nation. It has everything to do with the mindsets within each person choosing to attend church.
We were associate leaders in the church, but this kind of skewed thinking goes from the pulpit to the back pew. It’s all over the news these days: traveling MARRIED musicians getting their choir members pregnant, money laundering, abusive husbands and wives, pimping and pedophilia…you name it, it has been done by leaders who are supposed to be reflecting the love of Christ!
There is a real heaviness that comes over me when I hear about marriages in the church falling apart at such an alarming rate. Whether they are prominent couples in the spotlight or normal couples in the pew, there is an epidemic of divorce within the church–especially the black church. Addiction to the praises of other men, fame, money, prestige, position can truly wreak havoc on a marital relationship.
I can’t begin to pinpoint the root of the problem, but I’m sure that disorder about priorities plays a large role in Christian marital failure. Before God created Adam, He created a purpose for Adam. Then He created Eve to SHARE in that purpose. Otherwise, there would have been no need for a woman to ever enter the picture.
To keep this from turning into a Bible study, let me translate that statement. For those married couples that attend church, the order God created was to love:
- GOD;
- SPOUSE;
- FAMILY, then
- CHURCH.
In fact, marriage was the first institution created by God, long before churches and building projects ever existed!
Yet it remains that there are churches and denominations out there who will say it is OK for a minister to leave his or her spouse for the work of the Lord. How backwards is that? What sense does it make to love the work of God more than the God of the work?
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston, a freelance writer, human resources administrator at an HBCU and creator of the motivational blog, “Can She SAY That?!?“ has a unique style that brings readers into her life through her transparent demeanor. She lives in the south with her husband and two sons. You can reach her at [email protected].
Fontaine says
I somwwhat agree, I will have to say i’m at a disadvantage being that im involved but not Married. But my experievce with the church has been off and on. I was attending a church where they would praise and give thanks as if they were walking right with God; but when the offerings came in and church ended there was mischief and wrong doing. I stoped attending church for awhile because the Deacon would come up to me after service and say how he wanted to ” do thing” we all know what im talking about. The choir members hated me because I was “pretty”. The drummer was doing the base player who was married to another member. Just MESS !!!! The church can steer you wrong if you are not at the right one ! But my faith dsnt weary. Thats what matters you put God first live by him and the rest will come into play. Thanks for the post 🙂
Christina says
Fontaine, the Church can’t steer your wrong…it’s the fallible human beings in the church that can. I guess I’m one who believes it’s not the institution, it’s the people within the institution and they are just as fallible and human as we all are. One of my church members always says that the church isn’t for the perfect, it’s a hospital for the sick.
With that said, Harriet, I did have the problem. Always at church, almost never at home. But like you said, God showed me that my marriage and home is also my ministry and He would not be pleased with me if I let that fall to ruin. So I prayed for balance. He’s given me gifts and talents that I believe are to be used for His glory and the edification of His church. I’ve also learned I don’t need to be there every time the church doors open and I don’t have to feel guilty for putting my home ministry first.
Cheryl says
I grew up in the church, and I have seen first hand how church work has messed up alot of families. When we got married, we decided that we would limit church responsibilities from the start. We take one Sunday a month to stay home, or do whatever, with the family. Under no circumstances do I keep my girls out midweek past their bed time. I never want them to think that church is more important to me than they are. We have to constantly be mindful that the first ministry that God has charged us with is to our family.
busybodyk says
Thanks! This a wonderful point of view that I don’t hear discussed much. I grew up in the church and my mom put me first. She didn’t drag me to every service. When other kids were at service all week late into the night she let me stay home to rest. I’m thankful for that.
Harriet says
@ Fontaine,
See, it’s stuff like what you described that turns so many people off to the Body of Christ. I think it’s important for those in leadership to hold themselves to the standards of integrity that are required if they are going to be a representation of Christ. It’s all about Him, and when others misrepresent Him, it’s a shame.
@ Christina,
Amen! I could not have said it better myself.
@ Cheryl,
When I was growing up, we were the CME members I was talking about. LOL Our attendance was very inconsistent, although my parents raised us with Christian values. I think when I got older and realized all the time I had wasted trying to do my own thing, I overcompensated by trying to always be in the church 24-7. That kind of imbalance is really damaging, especially to families. You make some powerful points about how to maintain that kind of balance.
@ busybody,
Thank God for your mom! :o)
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..What’s Your Size? =-.
Patrick Hairston says
This was a great topic and I am glad you brung it up my “Beautiful” wife.
I really feel though that a lot of men need to take heed to the order of priorities when it comes to a relationship with God. We as men must first keep God first, wife , children, family, then ministry. I myself had this twisted for a while and I am not blaming no one but myself, though I had influential people allowing me to be used and not saying nothing, but yet in still I am responsible for my own actions. I was wearing about seven hats in one ministry and neglecting the best ministry ever created my wife. I had it God first, then ministry, this order almost destroyed my marriage. I spent more time with folk who could care less about me, just be sure you play this song for me, or get me here on time. While the whole time I was neglecting my wife and family.
Then I came to the realization , how can I love other people and support them if I cant even love and support my wife and family. So I flip the script and in doing that I got alot of drama from the building of believers the modern day scribe and pharisees. I still choose my wife and family over ministry everyday, and I will always choose them. I have to give an account for my wife and kids to God and I will always keep that in the forefront of my mind and be sure my wife and kids flourish and always shine.
Joni says
🙂 You know… this issue can definitely be broadened. What you’re really talking about is the attention we give/get from church as a social institution in comparison with our own private lives!
In other words, in your story, couples ignore their deeper intimacy issues by prioritizing their “church” activities- they suppress their need for each other and substitute it with the need for approval from a “church audience”. Stated differently, a man no longer needs his wife to approve him and affirm him as her hero (and no longer works towards being that hero) because he found affirmation/admiration in a church crowd.
Ha… and now to my point. Is it possible that some single people become so fulfilled in being “church heroes”, that they fulfill their need for companionship with this pseudo-relationship with a church congregation? – Just a thought!
Harriet says
@ Patrick,
Baby, we made it through that storm, thank God! I think we’ll definitely be more balanced in the future when it comes to ministry. It’s not worth losing your family over.
@ Joni,
You make some strong points! I can tell you for a fact that when I was single, I fulfilled my need for companionship through becoming a “church hero,” as you so aptly put it. :o) In fact, I don’t think that’s unhealthy at all! If a person is seeking to remain celibate or abstinent prior to getting married, the church is definitely the place for them. LOL
However, that never shifted for us once we got married (talking about Patrick and I). That’s where we made our mistake. We kept up the same schedule at church and didn’t take the time out to develop our intimacy within our new family unit. That was definitely a HUGE mistake. Thank God for His grace and mercy!
Either way, I would prefer my “crowd” to be an audience of one…Jesus. Looking to Him, He definitely showed us where we went wrong in a lot of areas in our marriage, overcompensating in “church activity” was one of many mistakes. We live, we learn and then we move on. :o)
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..What’s Your Size? =-.
Edward says
Good topic and responses… you are right on so many points, I think the long and short of the problem is our own PRIDE. Church attendance does not get us into heaven – only our relationship with Christ can make us holy.
I have taken note of the problem recently in the church where I serve as I realized that after about 5 years I still dont know the spouses of most of the people in leadership – I serve with them in many capacities but I dont know how they are married to. It began to puzzle me how one person can be here every time the doors open and the other never comes – ever. It helped me to get my own priorities and perspectives straight about a healthy church v. family balance. I dont want to turn my wife or family off by putting a last second phone call from the pastor or some auxiliary before my family. Or attending every function or service at the detriment of spending time with my son.
In many churches they set limits and guidelines for how many nights out of the week a leader should be at church and how many they should be at home with their family. Maybe such guidelines should be in place for members too. Somewhere along the line we bought into the idea that church attendance makes us holy and that is not an idea conveyed anywhere in the Bible. We should not refuse coming to church (Hebrews 10:25) and sharing our talents and gifts in some capacity but our families should not suffer unduly as a result. Even if your church does not have such guidelines everyone should set their own guidelines of what is acceptable – as a family.
When my wife and I were dating and I had just started in ministry – I was about church business 24/7, all I talked about was about going to or what happened at church. And I remember my wife said something then that still bounces around in my head every now and then, “Life with you is like being in church, brother, when is the benediction coming?”. So I started getting the point that I needed some balance in my life. It was my need to be “seen” doing stuff that was being fed more than service for the Lord based on heart condition.
Lastly, the question is not if the church is all that it is cracked up to be, but the question I ask myself and pray about before doing anything is, “Am I serving God to bring Him glory or to glorify myself?
P.S. In Deuteronomy 24:5 when Jewish men got married they were excused from serving in the army for one year to go home and “give their wife happiness”. You can do your own study on what that phrase means – LOL. But in a small nation like Israel where all there enemies outnumbered them they realized the value of a husband and wife needing time together.
koko clay says
Wow…very good topic! I think about things like this all the time. I agreed for the most part with all the comments that were made. I 100% believe that it is God first, spouse, family, then church. People tear up their families just to please a man or a woman. I totally agreed with the person that said it is not the church but the people in the church that makes things bad. I would tell anyone that our priorities in the church is horrible. The church likes to call everything sacrifices. Sometimes i just straight up tell my husband “hey it is time to go, it is late” I can remember one time i was gone for like 5 days for my job and i told my spouse i wanted him to pick me up from the airport when i got back. He mentioned that he couldnt because he had to go do ministry stuff. Sorry but we got that straight real quick!! I would be dog gon if my family suffers because of something for the church! Aint gonna happen and i wouldnt care who liked it. Take care of God and your family and He will handle the rest. Hey pat and harriet. Love you guys!!!
koko clay says
I love family…it is one of my passions. And i hate that our priorities are off. In the church as a whole, we are fake, users, liars, gossipers and everything else. Let that not be said about us.
Harriet says
@ Edward,
As usual, you cut straight to the chase and add valuable wisdom and insight to any topic of discussion. I believe the root of all kinds of ills (including those of “church folk”) is exactly what you said: PRIDE.
Oh, and R…O…F…L!!!!! at the “Benediction” comment from your wife! That is too funny!
@ Koko
Sis, you hit the nail right on the head, and I thank God that you drew the line early on in your marriage. You’re right: “Take care of God and your family, and He will do the rest.” That’s the bottom line right there!
We love you, too, Koko! Keep on BEING YOU! That light is a beacon for others, and I’m so blessed to be able to call you my friend.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..What’s Your Size? =-.
koko clay says
thanks harriet
T. Rogers says
Harriet,
You are literally preaching to the choir with this one. My wife and I went through a very similar experience. I was in a leadership position and saw it as my duty to serve the ministry and the pastor. Eventually I burned out and walked away from the church I was attending. I couldnt take it anymore.
I am convinced that one of the reasons there is so much infidelity among church leaders is because these same leaders often spend many hours away from their spouses. And if you work a full time job, and are “on staff†at your local church too…forget about it. I would go as far to say that the current structure of many churches is a main part of the problem. A mans responsibility is to his own house first. But see that is where a lot of deception comes in. Parishioners are often told the physical church (and the operation of it) = God. So to deny the church is to deny God. Many pastors abuse their authority with this kind of thinking. And because it is communicated in very subtle ways many people buy into it without even realizing it.
I will admit that I still have some issues after my experience. I love God with all my heart. But I am very leery of church leaders. I am very leery of churches that are in a rush to give you something to do. I am very leery of overly ambitious pastors. This is a sore spot for me. So it good to read the encouraging posts on this thread.
koko clay says
Amen Rogers!
Edward says
@ Harriet – Yes, my wife has quite a few ROFL lines in her repertoire. She also told me after one sermon when there was a pretty warm response from the congregation and people were lining up to shake my hand, “Enjoy it, but when you get home you still have to take out the trash. ” And that is the balance that our marriages need. My wife makes sure my feet stay on the ground. Unfortunately, in some cases both the husband and the wife enjoy the power and prestige a little too much and they get led astray together.
@ T Rogers – Good comments, what really burns me up is that people just dont think for themselves. Often we give in to this group think mentality – to not rock the boat.
@ Joni – You are saying a mouth full – well said!! You broke it all down in understandable terms.
Harriet says
@ T. Rogers,
Wow…I felt like you were taking a page out of the book of our marriage. Many times, it’s not the subtle deception of parishioners as much as it is the self-deception of those who allow themselves to go that route. We’ve been on both ends of the spectrum, and I can safely say that we’ll never allow that kind of imbalance to take place again.
@ Edward,
My husband and I at one time fit into what you described about “both the husband and the wife enjoy the power and prestige a little too much and they get led astray together.” It was really unfortunate how much imbalance we had in our lives. I’m just glad we pinpointed it before it was too late for our marriage. Not only would our marriage have suffered, but the lives of our children would have been affected as well. THEY become the collateral damage to this kind of thinking.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Waiting to Exhale =-.
T. Rogers says
@Harriet,
You are so right about the self deception. If we are not careful we end up fooling ourselves into thinking that significant time away from our spouse won’t be costly. We fool ourselves into believing that God will “take care of it” and we keep chugging along. Meanwhile resentment builds up, anger simmers, and frustration takes hold. Believe me sister, I have been there! By the grace of God I stopped the cycle before it was too late. And when I finally did I realized just how much I missed my wife. I won’t ever do that to her (or myself) again.
@Edward,
You are so right. We often forget we have brains when we join churches. I can really get into this one, but I’ll just say we have to remember that we have bibles, too. The pastors don’t have exclusive domain to the scripture.
Adrienne says
Great great post!!!
My husband and I went through something VERY similar with our old church. KEY WORLD OLD. We had to leave. Our home was a MESS. The kids were messing up and not doing well in school because we had them out late trying to be at every revival and meeting that was held.
I’m glad we wised up and took care of home.
.-= Adrienne´s last blog ..Decisions, Decisions. What would YOU do lol. =-.
kehinde says
Excellent post! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. One part that stuck out at me was the part about the that was “created to love:
GOD;
SPOUSE;
FAMILY, then
CHURCH.
In fact, marriage was the first institution created by God, long before churches and building projects ever existed!”-H.H.
I believe that just as the watchman instructs God’s people a balance as it relates to “being in the world and not of the world”. IT IS the pulpit’s responsibility to instruct the proper order of godly perspective -holisticly. Truth be told, most SAINTS will sacrafice their being and the happiness of their spouse/family, because they are used to giving their pastor their AMEN.
We are really not used to seeking God for ourselves. There may have been a season in your life that lent itself for you being more involved in ministry. As we transition throughout life, situations change, seasons change, and our sight changes. We also have to be comfortable enough to say “I can’t serve in that way, or no I’m not gonna be there.” And to be honest, its O.K. God’s not disappointed because you want to see your son play a soocer game. People get disappointed. Consequently, they may try to condemn you and make you think God won’t lead you for your individual family. God may speak through your pastor for the vision of that church, and maybe the local community. God will speak to you for the vision of your house!
If you are on staff, and have a contract, and are being paid for a specific service, then you discharge your service. If you are volunteering as a ministry help/leader, your responsibility is to your contract (marriage contract) first. As long as your marriage does not suffer, bless the Lord. “What God has brought together, let no man (or anything else) separate.” It is vital that the most important opinion you value, is that of your spouse. Even if your spouse doesn’t know the Lord, honor their wishes. The Bible says you sanctify them and your children are clean. YOU establish godly principles that your children immulate as they grow.
Solomon Mc-D.Z. GruLaC says
Very interesting comments everyone; however, I do believe that everyone has kept things extremely simple. Let me complicate things a bit.
First of all, let us address the term “church”. Now let us keep in mind that there is NOTHING wrong with the church. There is; however, something wrong with the people in the church. Everyone in the church suffers from a desease called SIN. It is for this reason that things tend to go astray. God says that the church is in each of us (Christians). Just because the church is in us does not mean that we do what we are suppose to do. The church tells us what God would have us to do. We (as human beings) decide whether or not we are going to follow what God tells us to do through the church.
As for giving time to the church…well, I think that it is a bit obscure. We (as Christians) are to give our time to the fulfillment of the mission of the church. This can be accomplished without spending our time in the confines of the physical walls of the church house (the building most call “the church”). Part of fulfilling the mission of the church is spending time with your own family and house hold. How can one help lead, guide, and train those in the church if one can not–and does not–help, lead, guide, and train those in ones own house (physical family)? One cannot. The Bible tells us that we should deal with our own personal problems and get our own self correct FIRST before we try and help others deal with and solve their problem(s).
Too often, we as Christians believe that to “forsake not the assembly of the saints…” means that we have to assemble together in the church house of our respective denomination or belief. We forget that sometimes we can do the same thing with our own physical family. We tend to forget that sometimes the examples we need to set go beyond the walls, ceiling(s), and floor(s) of our church houses and sometimes should be confined within the walls, ceiling(s), and floor(s) of our own homes. Our homes where we raise our children and tell them and show the boys how be young men and be gentlemen and men. Where we raise our girls and show them how to be young ladies and gentle-ladies and ladies. Where we show them how to live a Godly life while still being real to themselves and to others. That church should not simply be held in the church house, it should be held in the home where you live and reside and where you go to school and work. It should be where ever you are; because the church is in you.
I notice that many have posted that they sometimes get carried away in doing things for the church and not spending enough time doing things for their own family. If the congregation or the pastor does not understand that you sometimes need to take your wife out on a date and spend some quality time with her, there is a problem. If the pastor or congregation does not understand that sometimes you need to spend some time having fun and relaxing with your children, them something is wrong. The world NEEDS to see more “church folk” (Christians) enjoying time away from the church house and in plain public view. How can we set and be a positive example to the world if we never LIVE LIFE publicly. If the world never sees us (as Christians) having fun, then how do we expect them to believe us when we tell them that being a Christian does not mean they have to give up LIVING LIFE. They can have fun in God–more fun in God than in the world. They NEED to see this…..
I am typing too much right now, so on these notes I will conclude…..
—GLC-DZ—
Harriet says
@ T. Rogers,
You said, “We fool ourselves into believing that God will ‘take care of it’ and we keep chugging along. Meanwhile resentment builds up, anger simmers, and frustration takes hold.”
And again, to copy an overused church phrase, you were right up my alley. Once my husband and I left the ministry we’d served FAITHFULLY for the past six years, we looked at each other like we were brand new. We’re getting to know one another in a much more intimate way (pun both intended and unintended LOL), and life is beautiful! I actually LIKE him more now. I’ve always (and will always) love him, but we’re friends now, more than we’ve ever been before.
@ Adrienne,
Sometimes you have to leave. My husband and I left what we thought was a cutting edge ministry. Our pastors (a husband and wife team) were awesome examples of what we though marriage and family should look like. Their kids love the Lord, even the dog says “Hallelujah.” LOL They had the balance, but we lost it trying to follow them. Not a good look AT ALL.
@ Kehinde,
First, thanks for the comment. Your brother made some good points on my facebook page, and here you are, the other side of the same coin, making powerful points on BMWK (welcome, by the way!).
You said, “There may have been a season in your life that lent itself for you being more involved in ministry. As we transition throughout life, situations change, seasons change, and our sight changes. ” That is so true! What may have fit before no longer fits, or what we had no room for before we now take joy in doing. Flexibility is the key.
However, when commitments vie for your attention, and one seemingly good thing begins to compete with your marriage, it’s time to take a step back and re-evaluate the commitment. Patrick and I did that, and made a concrete decision to move on. No drama, pomp or circumstance necessary. Just seeking the Lord for ourselves and taking the time to listen to His plan for our lives as a family.
Thanks again for your insight! I’ve missed you and Tera! 🙂
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Waiting to Exhale =-.
Harriet says
@ GLC-DZ
Wow…very good insight regarding the need for Christians to LIVE LIFE, both in public and at church.
I had a friend in the military whose father was a pastor. So of course, growing up, he was obligated to go to every service, every chicken dinner sacrifice, you name it, he was there. By the time he grew up and became an officer in the military, he refused to go to church!
I asked him why he and his wife never attended, and he jokingly said, “I’m on use or lose vacation time from church.” LOL As a young, single, church going woman, I couldn’t understand his mindset. But I totally understand now. That’s not to say I’m boycotting church, or never stepping foot into another ministry at all. But I never want to suffer from that kind of imbalance ever again, whether it’s a business, hobby, ministry or anything else that falls outside of God’s system of priorities.
Thanks for your input! Welcome to the site!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Waiting to Exhale =-.
lapreghiera says
Not having read all the posts, if no one has said that the qualifications for leadership in the church as set forth in the Bible called for a person to have a stable and responsible home life, Amen. How are you gonna help God’s people in His house, and yours is falling apart?? The Bible also speaks of when you marry, your priority refocuses to the spouse and your relationship, but a lot of ministers, especially if they were ministers/elders/prophetesses/etc…before they marry (which is out of sequence as well) expect the spouse to get in where they fit in. I’m single and that’s why I try to keep my eye off these little preachers that come thru and are looking for “help meets”, especially those with degrees and careers to help “plant” their vision. I’m not that deep.
I agree with the person who said ‘people join a church and lose their mind’ and common sense. Even as a lay person married your responsibility is to your family to make sure they are fit for God’s church which will be caught up with Him. But while you’re distracted with everything else going on in church, your kids are telling all your business and being molested by the “youth pastor” and “minister of music” who is working on his R&B album on the side. I heard a preacher say there should not be a “youth pastor” title, only one pastor over the congregation and the parent is the child’s primary pastor. Aside from giving their life to God that is the only decision a child/teen can make for them self within the church.
When I was a child we were at church all the time, and it only irked me when I had to turn around and go to school the next day – especially if I did not see my mother going out to work. I do believe in balance and in sacrificing at some times, but that is something I will get worked out before I say I do/have kids.
Joni says
You know what! I was going to ignore something that I consider a misconception, but IT IS 2010, so I’ll address it!
Harriet you said “You make some strong points! I can tell you for a fact that when I was single, I fulfilled my need for companionship through becoming a “church hero,†as you so aptly put it. 😮 ) In fact, I dont think thats unhealthy at all! If a person is seeking to remain celibate or abstinent prior to getting married, the church is definitely the place for them. LOL”
That statement carries the mistaken idea that single folks should have nothing going for them except church. Single people end up not having time for themselves and not enjoying being single- they’re pre-occupied with church. And then automatically, once they get married, we really expect them to KNOW how to enjoy their spouse- when they’ve never spent time with themselves. A person who barely knows themselves has no business trying to get to “know” someone else!
If being single, your whole mind is wrapped around church activity, and you never get to explore deep within yourself, you would be a miserable married person- because all of a sudden you would be trying to please your spouse without even knowing what pleases or doesn’t please you. Yeah yeah, the superficial stuff is easy to know, but what about the deep stuff that only shows up when you REALLY TRULY have to SHARE your life with someone else?
I am still not advocating for reduced commitment to Church, but I am certainly advocating for increased commitment to yourself- your person deep within. Spend 1-on-1 time with you. Get comfortable with you- THEN you can minister to someone else (in church or in private).
Salvation is, and has always been “wholeness”, “nothing missing, nothing broken”. Be whole within your single self, and then you’ll be healthy enough to talk about working/ministering in Church.
And since it’s 2010, let me blow the whistle on this other issue: “STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE OPINIONS OF MEN!”, be they christians or pagans, deacons or prisoners! Find yourself, approve of your own self-development, have a schedule with God, have your timeline with God. If God approves of your personal development/progress… no man should sway you. Yes, you would always have a witness on earth, but I am talking about the approval of masses.
WHY DID YOU SAY “YES” THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ASKED TO DO SOMETHING FOR THE CHURCH?
Was it because:
– You had nothing else to do? (Which makes you an idle single person with nothing going on! You should have your own self-development projects that take up your time, even if it’s only “chilling”- it should be on schedule).
– You didn’t want to say “NO” because of what they would think of you?
– You didn’t want to disappoint the pastor or the person asking?
– You’re the one who always does what they were asking?
– You wanted the attention that goes along with being the “one”, the go-to person?
*What do you even think should be the correct answer to this question?????
*What should be your consideration before you say “YES” or “NO”?????
Again, I am not asking for reduced commitment to your local church, but I am reminding you, that until you’re whole and healthy (or working towards it) within yourself, any service you think you’re rendering is only to man. God cares about you first! He can get anybody to minister to His people. He wants to minister to you BEFORE you minister to anyone else.
Last point… stop expecting the church to keep single people pure! This goes to everyone. Single people, stop deceiving yourself that being in church all day everyday is your plan to stay celibate and/or saved. LIE! If the Word is not embedded in your heart, such that your personal conviction will keep you- no matter what; then the church will become just another location where you would find temptation! Renew your own mind and make up your mind- then it wouldn’t matter whether you’re at the church or on the yard or at your job. When you expect the building you call “church” to keep you- you will be disappointed every time- because if you look around, you’ll see that hot sexy single people (hunks and honeys) COME TO YOUR CHURCH TOO!
Candi says
Great post! Most people follow religion simply because they want a better life. I grew up in the church but my faith was just a hand-me-down from my parents. I went to Catholic school and attended a catholic church but it was simply because my parents led me in that direction. When I got older I sought out my own relationship with the God and couldn’t be happier about it.
I don’t follow a form of religion and at home we both read the bible to learn and interpret it our way first. So going church is to us, allows us to hear a different interpretation and we have the free mind to agree or disagree to what we hear. We never feel forced to go to church every time the doors open, or, to give if we simply don’t have it at that time. We talk to God all the time not at our convenience or according to someone else’s will. We act whenever we felt led to act, not when someone demands it of us.
.-= Candi´s last blog ..“Shhh…†Do You Hide Purchases From Your Spouse? =-.
Qeu says
Straight to the point…80% of the things we have deemed to be church work has absolutely nothing to do with building the kingdom of God, they are just mundane things that we have created out of religion. Who is being saved, who is being fed physically and spiritually, who is having a life altering experience, who is getting healed in their body as well as their mind and spirit. Most of the time we are just busy being busy, preaching to ourselves “saved ones” instead of GOING in to World. Jesus was into what I like to call the PeopleBusiness; now-a-days the things we classify as being a part of church have nothing to do with God’s word or His way of doing things, which is what I believe has caused many problems for singles as well as married couples. For example, extra programs “which are held most of the time to raise extra money and not for a true sense of a divine call to deposit into the peoples’ lives” {what happened to just paying tithes and offering}, revivals held out of routine rather than a summons received through prayer, what I like to call flesh meetings, paying dues for membership, membership classes “so now you mean to tell me that we need to be taught how to be members instead of how to be disciples” and the like are all in my opinion a waste of time and even what we call “worship services” without true worship or the presence of the Lord actually being present can sometimes cause me to feel that way as well. If we would just get back to the basics of the Bible way of doing things we will find ourselves in a complete abyss of balance, entire and wanting nothing. So I then would say that I believe that what we call church is not actually church but religion…
Harriet says
OK, OK, Joni!
You read between lines that weren’t there, as far as the gist of my comments were concerned. HOWEVER, I can’t argue with your points at all. They are all valid, healthy, balanced points of view.
You asked, “I am still not advocating for reduced commitment to Church, but I am certainly advocating for increased commitment to yourself- your person deep within. ”
That’s a mouthful, and it’s so important! Also, checking your motives is crucial to commitment. If Christ is not at the helm our “YES,” then we need to re-evaluate our motives.
And I agree…in an ideal world, the church should be able to give single folks the tools to remain pure. If nothing else, it should reinforce what an individual already knows of the will of God. However, we find many times that’s not the case, and more than Amish looking folks attend church (especially where I live in a town surrounded by two colleges). You’re right, Joni. Powerful points…all of them. Thanks for your input!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Waiting to Exhale =-.
Harriet says
@ Joni…you SAID, not “asked.” Sorry. 🙂
@ lapreghiera,
It’s so refreshing to hear of men and women with focused mindsets like yours. So many get caught up in this “The Lord told me you were going to be my spouse,” type of nonsense. You would do well to continue observing and getting in the Word of God for yourself to make your own decisions. That’s really important. Thanks for sharing your viewpoint! It was just as valuable as everyone else’s!
@ candi,
I was watching Steve Harvey’s interview on the computer, and he was talking about how preachers told him he would get caught up speaking tongues and slide across the stage. He said, “I ain’t that deep…I don’t want all that!” It was hilarious, but so real! People want the EXPERIENCE, but when all is said and done, they leave the four walls the same way they came in. That’s a shame. I’ll quote Mali Music when I say, “I don’t need no poetry, I need the anointing.” If the anointing doesn’t come in a showy way, that’s all right with me…as long as I have Him.
@ Qeu,
Your comment is the epitome of the battle that has taken place over millenniums: Religion vs. Relationship. It’s a constant fight, and sometimes a person can’t tell within themselves which they are dealing with. When that happens, it’s time to pull out before the burn out and do some re-evaluations about motives. It’s time to reposition so you can hear more from GOD than man.
It was almost too late for my husband and I. It WAS too late for some of our close friends and colleagues. We just have to take the time out to switch that 80% that you talked about down to 20% so the Spirit of Christ can spread, instead of the spirit of man and religion.
GREAT POINTS!!!!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Waiting to Exhale =-.
Candi says
@ Harriet, I was watching a TD Jakes sermon “spellbreaker” on youtube and one very valid point he made was that in the entire bible you never heard it mentioned that demons were fighting amongst themselves. As a matter of fact they worked as a unit in attacking the afflicted. Then he stated that unfortunately that can’t be said about the church. Catholics argue with Baptist, who argue with Jews and so on….
I never thought much about it, but he’s right. There is so much infighting in Christianity that people easily allow themselves to be confused by listening to the “church” and not the spirit that led them there. The voice of God is often referred to as the “still small voice.” If your not tuned to it and paying attention, oftentimes you miss it.
.-= Candi´s last blog ..“Shhh…†Do You Hide Purchases From Your Spouse? =-.
Aja says
I am one of those people who grew up in church and was in church just about every day. My mom felt it necessary, and she still does, to be in church every time the doors were open. I don’t fault her for that, but as a child I always felt like trying to get my homework done in church, etc. or being in church literally from sun up to sun down every Sunday was not ideal. As an adult, I do still attend church, but I do not feel it necessary to be a part of every church ministry etc. I saw, and still see, how much stress my mother was under sometimes feeling like she had to constantly work in the church while working full time and taking care of 3 kids. I don’t think that church is meant to be stressful all the time and that you shouldn’t always be having to choose between church and your family.
Funkidivagirl says
Amen. I have seen this in church as well. Serving in ministry is a great thing, but not at the expense of your marriage. Everything (including church ministry) needs to be balanced.
Carlton says
I remember, when I was a single man, at our church I was the go to guy. I was the one folks would call when they forgot their keys. I would stay behind after choir to make everything was in order before locking up. While I was dating my now wife the Men’s ministry leader pulled me aside and told me that he was happy that I worked so hard for God but he let me know that I was in for a rude awakening when I was married. Being a young man I protested saying that since my fiance and I were both working in the church that we understood our responsibilities. He was kind enough not to laugh at me. Fast forward 1 year and lots of similar conversations my life in church was very different. We were still active but we chose those ministries that truly inspired us and filled in only when necessary. I went back to the Men’s minstry leader and thanked him for helping me prepare for this fantastic ride called marriage.
We struggle with the pull to do more but we try to stay true to our commitments to our family. Great Post.
Whyte23 says
I’m a day late and dollar short on this great Topic and postings….Awesome Job once again for 2010 Ms. Harriet,
Wow, so many great points and comments…I love it!
@ Ms Joni Amen, and Amen again! Wow
@ Dr. Edward Amen.. one person can be here every time the doors open and the other never comes – ever. It helped me to get my own priorities and perspectives straight about a healthy church v. family balance.
Like so many my queen and I were in the same boat….unbalance concerning the leadership duties involving our church and making our family 10th on the list not even in the top five.
There is another Bishop that is talking about this very thing titled AUTHORITY ABUSERS…. When Leaders turn into abusers By Bishop George G. Bloomer.
Authority abuse shatters lives, destroys marriages, and does great harm to individuals.
In this revealing book are keys to breaking free from the bondage of spiritual abuse…
*Recognize authority abusers
*Identify their controlling, Toxic tactics (which is not biblical).
*Restore the abused and the abuser
This book helped my queen and I break free from spiritual bondage and experience God’s Deliverance. It’s a powerful Book!
Thank you for sharing and reading,
Lamar says
This was such a great topic we also posted it over on our Essence.com blog. Please show Harriet some love by at least dropping her a good post comment over there.
https://blogs.essence.com/black_and_married_with_kids/2010/01/are-you-choosing-church-over-your-marriage.html
Whyte23 says
@ Lamar …thank you for posting this excellent article on the Essence.com blog….so that more readings can view and re-evaluate the commitment to family.
Blessings to you and Mrs. Ronnie and the BMWK Families…..
MissJay says
I LOVE the comments on this post. I was having a similar conversation last night after praise dance rehearsal. Except they were talking about stifling the spirit of the members. As I read the above comments I was thinking about my marriage. I thought about how I became active in 2 ministries after I joined Nov 1st, 2009. Then I thought about our premarital counseling and how our pastor said that our spouse is to come first, even before the children. I also thought about how husbands are supposed to love their wives as Christ loved(s) the church. Christ was able to love the church because he did not have a wife 😉 and that love he had for the church should be the same love that we have for our spouse, not for the church. Before I went to rehearsal last night my husband cooked dinner, and I sat down at the table and we all had dinner together, family first. I could have told him I wanted to get to church early and left but I wanted to spend that time with my family. Thanks for this post Harriet!!
Harriet says
@ Lamar,
OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so excited about this! Now THIS is the true essence of saying “Praise the Lord!!” and “Hallelujah!!” I’m so humbled and flabbergasted and just…just…WOW.
OK…I’m calm now.
@ Whyte,
You’re never late, and your dollar is always welcome! LOL I’m definitely going to have to pick that book up by Bishop Bloomer! It really sounds like a valuable tool to Christians everywhere.
@ MissJay,
It’s all about the balance. It’s so easy to try to impress others by showing them how you can beat them to church, but what about beating your spouse to the table to eat, or outgiving one another at home? That’s where our imbalance was. I pray you NEVER have to encounter that!
Suzette says
Thank u guys for all of these comments. It truly has blessed my soul, my marriage too was almost affected by this very thing, but we’re moving on the right track now. This is a real issue, but it’s not dealt with in church, ’cause sometimes church has become a business!!
Again, thankyou guys, a movie, & a book needs to be written, ’cause this happens more often than anyone thinks, people just come to church and put on a mask to hide what’s really going on!!!
Marva says
My husband and I were very busy in church business and our marriage ALMOST fell apart, when I started drawing back he felt I was “backsliding”, but we made it once we put it in right order GOD, spouse, family and church… This article hit the nail on the head……
{JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After says
“Please let the record show that MARRIAGE comes before MINISTRY. Even deeper than that, marriage IS ministry! ”
Soooooo well-put!
My husband and I have absolutely tried to keep this in mind, and I’m so happy we have. Our marriage is {after God} our first priority, and we will darn sure neglect the other aspects of our lives if our marriage begins suffering because of them. And yes, that includes church, because church and God are not, despite the common misconception, the same thing.
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Two Blogs That Feed The Domestic Goddess In Me =-.
SB says
Thanks, Harriet. This is a very timely article. I want to add to the mix that much of this ideology is also very cultural. I’m a PK (preacher’s kid) and went to a variety of different services. I love my black churches for the high energy, but as a matter of routine I go to white churches. The reason, one may ask, is because I can get the same knowledge for half the time. My time is precious to me and my family, and I want to use it to apply God’s Word in all aspects of my life. Unfortunately, many are failing their communities because they’re wasting so much time in (playing) church (physical structure).
twanya says
On a giving Sunday theres sunday school, morning worship, evening service either at your church or a sister church, are you going? and if you have a”pleasing spirit” you’ll go, dont want to let the saints down,. if the truth be told your arguing all the way there but before you get out the car, the mask gets put on, and you get out the car in matching colors smiling on the outside. The number of auxiliaries your commeted to usher board, choir, pastors aide, brotherhood,street,etc… and wouldnt you know it all auxiliaries meetings are held on saturdays the first one starts at noon. Both hold down full time jobs with four children . Lets not forget tuesday and thursday night bible class. Theres twenty four hours in a day and if the above example is true we’re does this leave our families? We must address these issues, we must have mature couples in churches who can mentor couples on these issuse as well as others. Thats my prayer and has been my prayer because i know the enemy dosent like familes especially families that loves God and serve Him. So if you see a couple in your church and your in the position to help them please do so with the love of Christ leading you, if theres couple embarking upon marriage have this discussion as well as others with them so they dont have to experience what alot of us already have. If we do this you’ll see churches through out the world spilling over with happy healthy loving God fearing marriages! Be blessed.
Lu says
Harriet and Patrick, Amen! I really can’t thank you enough for your words. You have put into words what my heart has lived recently.
Our family experienced a crisis a year and a half ago that prompted us to leave church.
Being away from it was like I had new eyes to see with. I have been born again since 1993 and I could count on two hands the days since then I had missed praying and reading the Bible. My walk with God was/is strong. After my husband and I found Christ, we renewed our wedding vows. The pastor spoke of how we were to be each other’s helpmates. What I ended up becoming was an enabler to my husband’s mistress; our church. I watched the kids alone hours upon hours, took over the chores of family life, like running every errand alone. My husband was an Elder and a paid staff pastor actually told him being an Elder shouln’t be his only act of service. Really? When my husband first became an Elder his responsibilities were a meeting twice a month…in three years that grew to Membership interviews, serving communion, being available for prayer after services with the congregation, teaching classes by request of pastors and the list goes on and on. This also contributed to our debt problems. While we didn’t see it, the only time we could be away, was if we left the state.. So we would go away on trips we couldn’t really afford for rest. We just never made the connection until our crisis came. While our church TALKED about having God’s priorities, it didn’t live it from the leadership down. They don’t do it on purpose. I know these people and know the love they have for God and others. It is just a blindspot. We haven’t really returned to church except a hand full of times. I feel like I am facing my husband’s mistress there because it hasn’t changed. How can the church change the rate of divorce from being the same as the national average? Start modeling church to live God’s priorities and enable it to do so.
Nina says
Just came across this in Essence and thought the comments were worth reading. I am so glad I did. I am single, a PK, and unsure if I even want to get married because I saw ministry consume my parent’s life to the extent they rarely had time for us.
You are all such a blessing to this ‘young un’. By sharing your experiences so candidly, I am learning what to watch out for in my marriage IF I do decide to go down that route.
@ Harriet, it takes a lot of courage to ‘take on ‘ the ‘church’ lol hats off to you.
Harriet says
Nina,
Girl, reading comments like yours really encourages me to continue writing the way God has called me to write. He wants my life to be an open book, and if part of that means putting issues on the table that no one else wants to discuss, then so be it. I never thought this article would get so much attention, and I certainly wasn’t trying to “take on the church.” ROFL
I pray that you experience love as God ordained it, with very little interruption from the small foxes that turn into huge elephants if not dealt with.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Introduce Yourself to Yourself! =-.
JJ says
I totally agree when you commit to marriage your spouse is second only to your personal relationship with God. We must learn balance in all aspects of our lives. I believe God would not bless ministry that is more important than the minister’s family.
KK says
Your article left way too many holes. What is so sad to me are all the Eves who are allowing their husbands to serve and they’re worshipping somewhere else simply because they didn’t get all the attention they were dying to get at church…one thing we all have to remember is “it ain’t about you…it’s about HIM!!!” If you do what you do for Christ, your marriage won’t have issues unless you’re unequally yoked!