by Tara Pringle Jefferson
A Michigan man is now being sued by his ex-wife after he read her e-mails and learned of her extramarital affair with her (allegedly abusive) ex-husband. Got that?
The prosecution argues that he “hacked” into her e-mail, basing the justification of the charges on a criminal statute that is typically used to prosecute governmental hackers.
He claims that he used the computer all the time and she kept her passwords in a little book next to the computer. Simple click-clack of the keys and he was in.
Harmless, right? I’m not sure.
In a marriage, we typically open our lives and blend most of everything for the purpose of creating a new family. We share finances, parenting styles, furniture, religious views, etc. Our lives are no longer just our own. Our actions have a ripple effect through our families.
Therefore I ask – if a husband suspects his wife of cheating, does he not have a right to find out, the quickest and most efficient way he can? That sounds a little to me like “probable cause,” a nifty little term I’ve learned watching Law & Order. True, infidelity isn’t a crime, but there are serious risks to health and financial stability if the wife brings home an STD or wants half of her husband’s assets in a divorce settlement.
What we’re looking at is a tug-of-war between “the right to privacy” and “the right to know.” And I’m not sure where the judge will land.
So BMWK family, we ask you: How much privacy should we expect in a family?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s taking over the world, one blog post at a time, over at The Young Mommy Life (www.theyoungmommylife.com).
Great question – I’ll be following this one with interest. As someone who’s had issues with email and my spouse in the past (flirtatious messages to others, etc) I come down on the side of the husband. For the sake of his financial and physical health, he needed to know. What if the abusive ex-husband decided he wanted the wife back, no matter WHO or WHAT stood in his way? That would leave the current husband open for possible trouble…
he has all the right in the world to read it!!! they married for best and worst. the momnet she wanted out she shouldve said it.
Some level of adultery is a crime in most states. Why shouldn’t I have the right to find out if a crime is being committed in my home? To me it’s the same as the people who hire a private detective when they suspect infidelity. Under normal circumstances, I think that couples should expect a certain level of privacy, i.e. I don’t read my husband’s email and he doesn’t read mine. But in a situation like this I’m siding with the husband.
I think he was wrong for reading her e-mails Im allowed to have privacy even if Im married. She was beyond wrong because if she was still in love with her ex then she should have left that man or better yet not involved that man in the mess that was her past relationship. And last but no least is the goverment that allows ppl to sue you when they have done you wrong. This is out of control this is personal. She just mad. He more then likely didnt have to give half or what she wanted when they were divorced.
From a legal standpoint, I doubt the hacking idea will fly; if they both use the computer and she leaves her passwords next to the computer, then that is not hacking. Lots of lawyers will take cases, even though they know they can’t win.
From a personal standpoint, it is alot less clear. I value my privacy, and I would be hurt if my husband started reading my e mails, even though I have nothing to hide. It would bug me if my husband would not allow me access to his e mails. I dunno..
I think the whole concept of suing is ridiculous. Why is it the first time I hear of this it’s when a man reads the womans email? I couldn’t count how many women I know and have heard of that check their man’s phone, voice mail, email etc. But, what’s the difference between physical mail and email? It is a crime to tamper with physical mail…hmmm… If she won in court for this, this could actually somewhat level the playing field considering how I feel men pretty much automatically lose in anything legal (IMO). (im slightly joking with that last part)
On the matter of privacy, I feel each person needs their privacy. You are together and a family, but you are still your individual selves and you need to have some things that are off limit. It’s not always so much to hide anything, but sometimes you may vent to a friend or family member, you may receive emails about something embarassing that you may not want to share with your partner at all or yet…If you don’t allow someone their privacy, then you don’t respect them…point blank…im sorry, but I trust my wife completely, so I don’t go through her stuff and I don’t expect her to go through mine.
Where some people would agree with him reading her emails, I understand it, but to justify this you would need an extreme condition. I say that because to say you can read your partners emails because you “suspect” something would be giving carte blanche to a lot of women, and men, that are naturally(or better, unnaturally) suspicious. I know of many women that have a general distrust, suspicion, paranoia, so we can’t always say this is ok if we have “probable cause”,haha, because anybody can make up a thought/story/suspicion.
I think what this all boils down to is trusting your partner and being a mature person. Sometimes we get with suspicious people, you know, and it’s up to us sometimes to not be these people or be with them. There’s really no universal law for this matter because reading an email could have save a life and save a lot of wasted time and emotion etc or it could ruin a relationship. It’s like a gun. Sometimes your instinct will lead you to save someone, but if you’re too sensitive and don’t know what you’re doing, you may hurt someone. It’s your decision, but one you will have to accept responsibility for and live with.
Peace
Here are some excerpts from the wedding vows.
These two, who will soon be joined as one, have invited you here to witness their vow of eternal love, commitment, and dedication to and for each other.
BRIDENAME, “Do you take GROOMNAME to be your wedded husband, to share your LIFE OPENINGLY, standing with him, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in hardship and in ease, to cherish and to love, so long as you both shall live?”
GROOMNAME, “Do you take BRIDENAME to be your wedded wife, to share your LIFE OPENINGLY, standing with her, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in hardship and in ease, to cherish and to love, so long as you both shall live?”
THese are just a few of the things you promise in a church, under God, before a community of people you say I do. If you don’t why are you promising to. Your marriage shouldn’t be about some level of privacy, but complete transparency. It really gets on my nerve when folks can’t graduate to a level of living by the vows they have taken.
My wife and I do not just abritarily go into each other emails accounts, but we have absolute access [passwords and all] to each others account. This is the woman who might have to wipe my a$% if I’m unable to, why shouldn’t she have complete access.
The woman is suing, not because her husband went into her email, but because she got busted. How sad it is that marriage is marred by folks like her and folks who think like her.
https://ruleyourwife316.com/2010/11/16/having-an-affair-with-privacy/
With all due respect, there should never be anything off limits between a husband and wife.
A man will leave his father and mother and CLEAVE to his wife to become ONE.
I totally understand you. My comments weren’t about stuff being off limits, but respecting each others space. My wife has the passwords to all my stuff, but she respects my space, privacy and me as an individual by not going in reading and going through my stuff. I have total trust in her. I have all her passwords, but I have no reason to go through her things, so I don’t. I respect her as herself, her as an individual.
I feel ya. No doubt I have a clearer understanding and agree 100%
I’m sorry but if you are married you should have nothing to hide period, other then the gift you are getting each other for birthday anniversery ect.!!!! Now people do not go looking for stuff unless a reason is given and I am sure he asked several times honey are you cheating on me?? Oh no no I would never do that to you she said.. So he looked because he had no choice because cheaters never tell the truth period! Now if he is going to jail for finding out the truth for himself, there better be some jail time for her lying and cheating.
ALL I CAN DO WITH YOU IS AGREE……Your wife/husband should be the closes to you. There should be nothing you can’t share with them. If you have to vent, vent to your spouse. No other person should be able to be as close to you as your spouse. That’s just the way it is. If my wife asked for the password to my email I wouldn’t have a problem with it. I know she trust me and I trust her. Point is there should be no secrets in a marriage. If you can’t truly know your spouse all the way what good is it even to be married to them at all. The woman in the article gave her husband reason to believe that she was disloyal to their marriage. I believe he had a right to know the truth for his self no matter how he got it. I don’t blame him. Even if the shoe was on the other foot, I would say she would have had a right to know also. The woman is just upset she got caught. That’s what she gets! It’s too dangerous out here nowadays anyways. She could have brought him home HIV. He wouldn’t have had the right to find that out?… I’m sorry she was a liar and stand a liar.
If the shoe was on the other foot i don’t believe a female would be prosecuted for reading emails of a cheating husband no matter how she obtained them. It would be a case of how dear him! So am i to be scared of reading of checking my daughters FB page or keep track of who she talks to on her cell phone? Save all the prosecution for Wiki leak!
My point exactly
First, let’s put some things into context. I believe this is going to be a landmark case because it is going to forever change the way we view privacy in our marriage. If she did not want him to have access to the e-mail, then she wouldn’t put her passwords in such an open location. I mean you wouldn’t go to a library and leave your password next to your computer so that it is there every time you get there, so what’s the difference with this? If she doesn’t want someone to know, then she should have put it up. Based off of that, it is clear that she didn’t mind him having access to her accounts. Well if that’s the case then how do we know how much access she was giving him? That is unclear so it will be difficult to prove that he was not allowed permission to check her e-mail account on a regular basis. Also if she didn’t want him to know her password she could have simply changed her password, especially knowing that he had access to it. By her not changing her password, again, it looks as if she was not trying to stop him from accessing it. And her claim that he hacked her account is fluff because if that were the case then that would be part of the charges instead of just not having access.
On the marriage side of this, there’s no doubt that marriage complicates the privacy between two people, but there should be common sense used here. If you can’t share information with your spouse then why would you marry that person? I mean we’re talking a relationship that gives us the opportunity to become closer to any human being that we possibly can, so does it really sound natural for us to declare privacy over items? There’s a respect level that must be established, but there is also a relationship that has provisions. We have gotten to the point in this country that we have to sign agreements just to have access to our spouse’s medical records, but is that really fair? When you’re married to someone, their health can directly affect you, as well as the way they spend their money, and whom they may sleep with, so why should that information be private when you as the spouse can be affected by all those things.
I truly believe this is an attack on the institution of marriage. If this man is sent to jail for this, then we will have countless lawsuits about people going into e-mail accounts, bank accounts, cell phones, etc. etc. And if he is not then there will be people who push for privacy to be more defined in marriage. So instead of asking how much privacy should we have in our marriages, we should be asking why do we need to hide these things for our spouses? I’m not saying our spouse should just have access to anything and everything just because of a suspicion, but I am saying that if we are truly honest with our spouse then we should not have nothing to hide. But instead this country continues to try to protect immoral behavior.
As somebody stated earlier, usually (most of the time, unless they want out) a person is not going to come to you and be totally honest if they are doing something like this and say what is going on.
I used to work for a company that had cameras, as most do, and the owner said its not just to catch the thieves but to keep honest people honest.
Funny you say that, I was reading last week that a kid sued his father because he did something wrong and the father punished him by not allowing him to go on a class trip and the judge took the boy side and the father was prosecuted for it…sad in the days that we are living.
https://www.parentdish.com/2009/04/08/daughter-wins-lawsuit-against-father-over-punishment/
my mistake it was a girl
WOW
Hello, Hello, Hello,
Now I’m not married but I will say this..if she was not being sneaky and dealing with someone on the side he would totally be wrong.
But because the case is he did find out she was being unfaithful I believe she is wrong in that area.
We have two separate issues which makes them both wrong in this situation.
In the act of snooping he would be gulity, in the act of cheating she would be guilty.
This is so interesting we will mention this on the Rich Before Thirty ® Experience. We would love to hear your comments. Tune in @7pm ET today.call (712)432-3030 code is 370654
I totally agree! My husband and I discussed this case and both had the same question…what’s next? Is this case going to open up “rights” for children to sue their parents for invading their “privacy”?
Emails have been used as legal documents in court cases; especially in divorce proceedings. Shouldn’t a wife/husband have a right to know if they are being cheated on? What other evidence is legal? Gossip from the neighbors?
no privacy should be expected! if I ask, I expect a wholly truthful answer, if I don’t ask, I expect a wholly truthful disclosure. yes, there should always be high levels of trust & respect – but both of those are best earn…ed through transparency, not privacy. many ppl play relationship games that they often bring with them into a marriage where they have NO place. in a marriage it’s can never be about *i’ll ___ if you ___*, as that causes division! just come out with it & accept each others’ facts & move forward in truth in whichever direction is necessary.
some folks would not believe the level of transparency the ribDonor & I share, but it’s easier to just be open, up front & honest (and deal with any hurtful truths) than to disguise, cover & lie (and ultimately hurt each other with deceit as well as a hurtful truth).
ohhhh…this situation is going on in my house as we speak. My live-in boyfriend cell phone kept ringing ALL through the night…so I thinking to myself why will he not answer it or who is calling/texting at 3am. One day I went through his cellphone looking for a number for someone so that I could surprise him for Christmas…As I was looking through the phone for this person’s number, I came across a telephone number for a female that I do not know..I looked at his text messages and read a text from her asking him did I know about the two of them…WTH???? So my BF confronts me about going through his phone and I am looking at him like what about this CHICK on the side???? I think for me I just want him to be honest about what he wants and if it is not me then so be it…so what do I do?? Own up to reading the text message or sit silently and wait for him to tell me??
Confront him, if he does this now he will continue to do it, and you will only get hurt even more. If its a true friend fine, but if its his fuck buddy, drop him yesterday
You have to put yourself first and do what’s best for you. I know that sounds vague, but it depends on your situation. It is not healthy to pretend like he isn’t cheating on you and that everything is okay, so if the opportunity presents itself and it doesn’t seem like he is coming out with what’s going on or if you don’t believe he will be upfront, then you must confront him. You are putting yourself at risk for a lot of problems if you don’t deal with the issue at hand one way or another. If he acts like he doesn’t know what you’re talking about it, then it is best that you get away from him as quickly as possible, but if he comes out with what’s going on then you should hear him out and make a decision based on what he tells you. The main point is let him give you the truth and if he can’t do that then don’t waste another second. Life is too short and you deserve better than someone who is not committed to you.
unfortunately this has happened exactly the same to me. I suspected my wife was having an affair, and I questioned her for months, only to be told that I was driving her furthur away by questioning her. She had a habit of going on line late at night and would pull the screen down and not let me see it, saying that she was doing work. She does work for a major us company and does has very sensitive files, but I knew something was going on. One night I went outside and went to the window she was working at, with her back to me, and sure enough you could tell she was talking to someone, and having a good time doing so. The next day I found a throw away cell phone with x-rated text messages and their dates and places of “getting together”. I also found an email name and security code. I went on her email, copied all of them, sent an email to her lover and told him tp get lost or else, and the or else would not be nice. I approached her about my doubts, she denied, denied, denied, until I showed her copies of her emails, and text messages. I am keeping those copies so if we do not make it, we are trying, she will not be able to say that I was the cause, her affair was devastating to me never felt pain like that still, 8 months later, her words “get over it, it happened” !!!!!!!!!
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