The institution of marriage is under attack and it is time to go to war! I’ve held a few different discussions on social media about the topic of marriage and I have been surprised about the overwhelmingly negative responses and perceptions that are associated with marriage. It used to be that marriage was a beautiful thing and represented true commitment and companionship, next level loving under God, and a family structure ideal for raising our future generation of kids. So what happened? Where did we go wrong and how do we get back to what marriage used to be? Those are the three questions I hope to answer by the end of this article! I preface this by saying that I know this article does not represent every marriage, but based on the discussions I am having daily about marriage this is the perspective that is manifesting in the current generation. If perception is reality then it’s time to go to war…come follow me!
So…what happened? What happened was that we became more selfish and less accountable. For some reason the idea of marriage went from being about a commitment under God to $60,000 weddings, $10,000 wedding dresses and people saying “Yes to the Dress!” instead of yes to the marriage! What happened was that marriage became more about what you could get out of it than what you could put into it. What happened was that people started marrying people without actually knowing them, divorcing six months later, and then blaming the institution of marriage for their failure. What happened was that married people began airing out all their dirty laundry while burying all of the clean laundry all while giving marriage a bad smell. Yup in a nutshell I believe that’s what happened.
So where did we go wrong? Well we went wrong when our friends became the center of our marriages instead of God. We went wrong when we thought that every day in marriage would be perfect, thus when we had our first argument we decided that marriage was just too hard. We went wrong when we decided that we would shack up first, have sex first, have a few kids first, then get married and then wonder why marriage wasn’t so “exciting!” We went wrong when we started devaluing the institution so much that we began to glorify and embrace the idea of side dudes, side chicks, and mistresses not realizing we were driving a stake right in the hearts of our marriages. We went wrong when we decided that marriage was all about us. When we decided kids didn’t need healthy two parent households because we were more concerned with the idea of having a baby rather than focusing on the task of actually raising that baby. Yup in a nutshell that’s where we went wrong.
How do we get marriage back to what it used to be? Well let’s start with understanding that marriage is a covenant under God that should be taken seriously. We can start by dating the right way and actually getting to know someone before we decide to marry them. We can start by managing the expectations about marriage and knowing that everyday won’t be perfect, but we can make every day be worth it. We can start with married people not blaming the institution of marriage for their short comings and instead being accountable and CHOOSING to be happy people within the institution of marriage. We can start with happily married people being on the advertisements instead of bitter unhappily married people being the poster children. We can start with realizing that marriage is about more than how we feel at the moment and more about what we build for the future. Marriage is still a beautiful institution and even though it’s under attack; for the sake of our children and our communities we must do what it takes to protect it.
BMWK — Why do you think that marriage has begun to have such a negative connotation?
I believe marriage has gotten a bad rap because people fail to realize that God created marriage for a specific purpose, according to specific guidelines. When couples decided to marry without consulting God and learning of His original design and His true intentions for marriage, their stepping into an institution for which they are not prepared. When we try to engage something without being properly prepared then failure is eminent. Or at the very least, we don’t get the full benefit of the experience. You’re right, people do blame marriage and deem it an impossible task that just doesn’t work! And they’re right… It doesn’t work properly if you don’t submit your lives and your marriage to God!
After being married for almost seven years, it has been a reaffirmation year after year that God is at the center of our union. So often, I hear those who don’t have God in their marriage speak of their union in a negative light to others who hope to get married. This heartbreaking revelation is two-fold: the fact that their union is without God and that someone is being discouraged to have faith in God in that He will bless their union if they choose to marry.
My prayer is that my faith-filled testimony will help encourage those whose unions are damaged and those who are seeking a God-filled relationship.
Marriage is between Woman And Man..,,, Not between 2 men ( joe and bill ) or 2 women ( pat and Joyce ) STOP That Lie
Thank you for that comment. Im really tired of hearing about gay couples pushing marriage. Thats not what God intended.
Amen, and that is part of the reason why marriage isn’t valued anymore. Soon we’ll have people trying to marry their pets, which they already have something similar to this overseas. Where does it end?? God did not intend for marriage to be like this, but as always, people want to do what they want to do and want to justify it with “it’s my life, I can do what I want to do,”, well, you know what, you can reap what you sow too!! Until people change their mindsets about marriage and what it should be and get some type of morality (cause many don’t have it anymore, sad, but true) marriage will continue to be under attack.
We must use biblical principles, and we must understand this fundamental fact, there are two humans (both prone to sin) so we must do all we can as spouses to do our part as showing unconditional love, finding the good in the other spouse, and loving them through and throughout. To me, being a spouse is selfless/submissive and serving ( to add patience), maybe some won’t get this, but if we all as married people would practice this, there would be more happiness/anniversaries and weddings.JMO
My marriage blesses me everyday, and I can’t imagine raising my daughter without my husband. I don’t know that I’d say marriage is under attack. I think that allows us to target and blame some faceless, nameless monolith of selfish, misguided individuals out to destroy marriage. Instead I think there are complicated stories that play out differently now than they have in the past. I can’t make any claims about God’s intention, not believing myself qualified to make such assertions, but what God speaks to me regarding marriage is community and love.
In my opinion what you are calling “traditional marriage” never existed. You are romanticizing a memory. I believe what you are calling traditional marriage just hid the problems with marriage under layers of shame and condescension and all the players played their part. (Didn’t Jesus say something about a cup that was shiny on the outside but inside lays corruption?)
So, instead of trying to return to something from the past why not make marriage great right now?
Make the marriage contract meaningful today…now…in this present time?
One thing is for sure, a contract that is entered into with the ceremonial phrase “til death do us part” but can be done away with by either party on nothing more than a whim is a worthless contract.
Marriage has a negative connotation because it deserves it. Just look, if you dare, at the divorce statistics in your own church. Marriage is dead, dead, dead, as you have known it. So let’s not romanticize the past but glorify the future.
I really appreciate everyone’s comments on this post and I hope that everyone saw the point that I was attempting to drive home. My point was to bring light to the fact that its not necessarily the institution of marriage that’s giving it a bad name it’s really the people who exist within the institution and their actions and behaviors that contribute to that.
Anonymous the gole was not to glorify the future, but rather to bring light to what is going on in the present and how we could possibly change it. You mention that the institution of marriage is dead, but I would ask you what do you suggest is the alternative to building solid family structures? I am sincerely interested in knowing your input on what the alternative solutions are? Thanks again folks and please check out more of my work at http://www.xklusivethoughts.com! If marriage is dead then is it worth saving?
“…its not necessarily the institution of marriage that’s giving it a bad name it’s really the people who exist within the institution.”
I feel you are correct when you say it is not the institution of marriage but I would say the problem is in your definition.
“ rather to bring light to what is going on in the present.”
This is what I wrote: Make the marriage contract meaningful today…now…in this present time.
“…what do you suggest is the alternative to building solid family structures.”
I believe heterosexual marriage is the way to build solid family structures. I don’t have a problem with homosexual marriage being legal or even polyamory but I think heterosexual marriage is by far the “best” way.
Now that having been said let’s talk a little about marriage. I believe what you are calling traditional marriage is the Ozzie and Harriet version of the 50’s or its ancestors but even then the changes were beginning to appear. Up until that time marriage was held in place by shame, shunning, ostracizing, poverty, etc. Traditional marriage was not better. The bad side of these marriages were just hidden and not acknowledged. Modern marriage has revealed this and society is having to look at it and it doesn’t want to.
My oldest daughter had a teacher in nursing school that said “technology always outruns biology” and I believe that is what we have here. All through history you see the story of a new technology coming along but the soldiers not adapting until they absolutely have to. Think about the long bow at Agincourt ending the age of the knight on horseback.
Today we have no fault divorce, birth control, the automobile, rapid communication, feminism, etc. The use of shame, etc no longer works and the flaws in marriage are being revealed not created. The tactic we call marriage has not kept up with the technology.
We are being forced to write a new definition of marriage. If it were a legally binding contract what would it look like? As a thought experiment take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the right side list the legal requirements of the husband and on the left the wife. By legal requirement I mean something that if not done is cause for divorce and the offending spouse will be penalized in some way. After you do that take another sheet and write down how you would like it to be. Remember though “legally binding.”
Too long. Sorry, but I think this is one of the most important issues of our time and we need to have the conversation. Please let me know your thoughts.
SELFISH humans have ruined marriage. Everybody thinks that if the person they are currently married to doesn’t do EVERYTHING they want/like, then they should just get rid of that person and find somebody (they erroneously think) is an upgrade. Marriage is supposed to be about purpose…not about somebody being a bobble-head who just nods and agrees with all your selfish mess. It is a daily sacrifice to adjust to another person’s perspective in pursuit of a greater purpose. Most human beings are not capable of this…too focused on money, what somebody looks like, or how many wacky ideas and thoughts that person didn’t agree with today (translation – you are negative). Our parents and grandparents understood marriage to be a deep bond – not to be played with due to selfish and insecure thoughts and behaviors.