Raising a daughter is hard, especially when you know that one day they’ll have to deal with the “mean girls” at school. Unlike the movies it doesn’t just happen in high school, now it has moved down to elementary school–even invading my daughter’s Pre-K class! If you know anything about girls, you know that instead of being blatantly rude there are several ways to be “mean” without any teacher ever knowing.
I’ll give you an example. This past week my 4 year old daughter told me about two girls in her Pre- Kindergarten class who was being very mean to her. At first I “chalked it up” to kids “just being kids” until she told me in detail what they were doing. The girls who use non verbal signals to ensure that my daughter did what they said and if she refused to do it they would say, “We’re not your friends!” They would even take steps to attempt to ostracize her from the group and try to intimidate her to do what they wanted her to do.
By the time she was done telling me I was so angry that I seriously considered going to the school to talk with the girls myself. Before I could turn the car around I could hear my mother’s voice saying to me, “Calm down Fran. Go home and think about it.” As I drove home I continued to be angry, but I began to think to myself, “where in the heck did little girls learn these behaviors from?”
Of course I had my answer already- usually from their mothers. We as women model what our daughters do. If we gossip, they gossip. If we act petty, they act petty. If we are mean women, they will be mean girls.
When I got home I sat my daughter down and in my serious tone I told her by no means did she have to listen to these girls. I went further and told her that instead of being quiet when the girls bothered her (or made her sad) that she was to tell them to LEAVE HER ALONE! I then explained to her that because she was smart, beautiful, and more importantly kind– that didn’t mean the other kids would be. She looked at me, and I could see in her eyes how serious she was taking my “talk”. We then practiced several situations, and what she should do so that she did not have to endure the “mean girls” or their bullying.
This my BMWK family, is what I call “real parenting”. It’s no longer acceptable to “sugar coat” issues, and send kids to school as targets for the ever widening group of bullies. Just like adults, kids have to be equipped to handle bullies in life. When I was in elementary school, my mother was the parent that was coming to the school if someone messed with us. We were so terrified of what she’d do that we’d hide if someone messed with us and take care of it ourselves. So I knew I was doing the right thing by talking with her about the situation.
The next morning I acted like everything was normal. I made everyone breakfast then volunteered to take our daughter to school and let my husband take the boys. On the way to school I gave her “the talk” again, and reiterated that by ALL means she was going to “take up” for herself. After sitting in the car with her for a couple of minutes, I walked her inside, nervous but I knew she’d no longer be a victim.
That afternoon I went to pick her up and she proudly told me that she had “stood up” for herself. She had yelled at the girls who were doing the teasing to “leave her alone” and then she went off and played with who she wanted to! I was proud that my baby girl was learning to take up for herself. This lesson will hopefully resonate with her for the rest of her life. Don’t allow the “mean girls”, or bullies to make you feel bad about your life.
That evening I called her teacher, and we had a good talk where she communicated to me what she was doing to minimize the “meanness” in class. I not only felt better but I knew that my daughter was in good hands. While I was really angry when I first found out about the bullying, here are three simple rules to ensure the “mean girls” don’t terrorize your children:
1. Contact your child’s teacher so they are aware of what was going on in the class. Many states have anti-bullying legislation in the wake of kids committing suicide over bullying. Read your state’s statutes and know your rights! For example, here in Georgia if kids are written up twice for bullying they are automatically sent to an alternative setting!
2. Instruct your kids HOW to handle the “mean girls” in life. I made sure my daughter understood that there was nothing wrong with her despite what the bullies wanted her to believe.
3. Schedule a conference with all parties involved (kids, parents and teachers). This should be a last resort but it can be an effective action. Many times the kids aren’t the ones to blame but instead you find that their parents are “mean adults”. Kids only imitate behavior””especially as young as 4 years old.
In conclusion, I quickly resolved my daughter’s issues but I know the day is coming where I won’t be there to give her immediate advice. Hopefully she’s learned what to do even when I’m not around.
Check out our latest music video that raises awareness on bullying #MikeBully.
If your child is a victim of bullying here’s more info on what you can do about it.
BMWK – Did you experience bullies or “mean girls” when you were young? How did your parents deal with it? Or, did you try to handle it yourself? Have/are your kids been victim to a bully? How did you handle it? Was the school supportive?
See, I am from the snatch-a-kid-up tribe but you get arrested for that.
I did have a talk with my 14yr old daughter recently about a boy who she thought was picking on her but after a little more investigation it was boy like girl but boy don’t know how to express himself so we( myself & my wife) explained some things to her on how to move forward. My wife just wanted to go and pounce on the guy but I dig a little deeper. This is why its important to have both parents involved. Bullying is serious and has to be addressed
“I then explained to her that because she was smart, beautiful, and more importantly kind– that didnt mean the other kids would be. ”
This is a very important lesson for all children to learn. I was always taught that I was to treat people the way I wanted to be treated. So imagine my surprise in learning that even when I did that, sometimes I got treated poorly. Made no sense. Girls can be cruel, even young ones. It’s part of the reason why I never really wanted to have any girls. Never wanted them to have to experience that side of life. Plus it would make it difficult for them to trust other women once they got older. What you told your daughter lets her know that there are both good and bad people in the world.
“We then practiced several situations, and what she should do so that she did not have to endure the “mean girls†or their bullying.”
Perfect, absolutely perfect. It’s not enough to just tell her what to say, she has to have practice too. It’s only when kids learn to assert themselves with confidence that they can withstand such foolishness from others. Nice article.
As a pre-school teacher, I can tell you that this behavior has become prevalent. I’m extremely sad to say that I spend less time teaching abc’s and 123’s and the majority of my day working on peer interaction.
I am working on this very thing with my kids. I am teaching them to choose their! battles but not to dare let people run over them. I make sure they have the tools to protect themselves. I thank you for sharing your story.
I would like to see the examples of scenarios and would appreciate if you could share them. My daughter is a few months shy from three and I get a nagging pain inside of my stomach when I see how her friendly attitude is met sometimes in the ill manner. We practice to say: “Stop pushing”, “Stop yelling or screaming”. Maybe if you have thought about something else we would love to hear. I want to print out this article and bring to preschool teachers awarness. Thanks!