by Shenia Coleman Kirkland (www.1peachymama.com)
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The days after my daughter’s death are a blur. Some of my most pronounced memories include trying to select a 24-inch casket for our baby girl, going shopping for the “perfect” pink dress for her to wear at the funeral, and explaining to the mortician how to do her hair so that it would look “just right.” I did all of this while my breasts were engorged and leaking because I no longer had a child to nurse. It was a surreal, out of body experience.
It wasn’t until I was walking behind her 24-inch casket into the church sanctuary for her funeral when the finality of everything really set in. As I looked at my child resting peacefully in the satin and chiffon adorned casket, I realized that I would not see or hold my daughter again in this lifetime. The overwhelming and profound extent of the loss really began to sink in.
After the funeral, I had an urgent need to be alone with my daughter. And, I followed her casket into a small private room. I wanted to memorize every little thing about her before I said my final goodbye. I studied the creases on her little fingers, her plentiful eyelashes and her beautiful, full eyebrows. This was simply too much for my husband. So, it was just the two of us . . . me and my baby girl.
I talked to her and caressed her hair, trying to savor every last second with her. I promised my baby girl that I would do everything in this life to make sure that I’d see her again one day. After nearly an hour, I had to say my final goodbye. (My mom later told me that I was in that room so long that she began to wonder if I had taken the baby and run off somewhere. Lol! *smile*) I left that room knowing that never again in this life would I be able to hold or caress my child again. I can’t begin to put into words the heaviness in my heart.
After our daughter’s death, my husband and I experienced feelings of numbness and the profound loss that only a parent who has lost a child can even begin to comprehend. There is a reason why losing a child is considered to be a catalyst for divorce””men and women grieve very differently. I longed for my baby. Just as a new mom misses her child when she’s away from her for a few hours, I, too, missed my daughter. I missed her new baby smell and her chubby little legs. I missed holding her and nursing her. And, I became fixated on wanting to join her . . . I wanted to die. I completely isolated myself from the world. I didn’t even want to go to our neighborhood grocery store for fear that one of the clerks who weeks before had seen my very pregnant belly might ask me about my baby.
My husband felt useless because I was absolutely inconsolable. As a man, he felt that his job was to be the problem solver and to make everything better. But, there was NOTHING that he could do to make this better. And, when he managed to have fleeting moments of happiness or when he distracted himself from his grief with something else, he was always met by his despondent and desolate wife.
Fortunately, I found a support group that provided a “safe” place for me to share my feelings with people who had experienced a similar loss. Through the support group, my husband and I both learned that the way that we were grieving was normal and that we had to respect and honor what the other person needed. By letting go of unreasonable expectations of one another, we allowed the other to do what was needed to work through this profound loss.
Almost exactly one year after our late daughter’s birthday, I gave birth to our second child”... a healthy and beautiful baby girl. She brought more joy into our lives than our hearts could hold. Three years later, we were blessed with another beautiful, healthy baby girl. And, we rejoiced! A child is truly a gift from heaven! Our angel baby is still a very present part of our lives. Her pictures are displayed prominently throughout our home. My princesses know that they have a big sister in heaven. We celebrate her birthday each year by releasing balloons. While we can’t reach out and touch her, she is a very present part of our family. And, she always will be.
Sharing this story is still painful, even seven years after my daughter’s death. I’ve shared these feelings with only a one or two of my very close friends because it’s really emotional for me to go back to those moments. My hope is that by sharing my story, another bereaved mother will find some comfort and won’t feel quite as isolated or alone. Or, perhaps a bereaved father will find hope in the midst of his silent grief. Or, perhaps, others will understand that the joy in my eyes and the spring in my step comes from a profound appreciation for life! This is all part of my journey. And, I believe that I am more compassionate, empathetic and appreciative of life’s blessings because of it!
Until next time”....
Much Love, y’all!
Shenia Coleman Kirkland
CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ENTIRE SERIES
Shenia Coleman Kirkland is an attorney, law professor, novelist, screenplay writer and motivational speaker. She chronicles her journey from a driven corporate attorney (and feminist) to wife and work-at-home mother on www.1peachymama.com, in which she discusses the tenuous balance between motherhood, marriage and maintaining a sense of self. She would love for you to follow her on Twitter @1peachymama.
Tara L. says
I am so profoundly sorry for your loss. As a mother, it was heartwrenching to read your story so it is unfathomable to me how it felt to live the experience. But, your decision to share your story added so many years to your precious daughther’s young life! What a blessing she has been to so many through you. Again, I’m sorry for your loss, I celebrate your blessings and I thank you for sharing. Be blessed my sista!
Darryl B. says
Mrs. Kirkland:
I am a 21 year old man, who has experienced this very loss with my wife. Everything detail you wrote in your article, seemed as if there was theoretical mirror placed in front of me. As a father, a husband, a friend of sorts to my wife, I could do nothing. I grieved silently, in order to remain focused on making things good for my wife. Seeing the woman, you love in tears as she thinks of the loss of her 5 week old baby, what could I do? Absolutely nothing. I was so use to being a “superhero,” I was Superman, in front of situation that was kriptonite. I become desperate to heal her. Realizing now, that Momma and Daddy deal with things differently, at 19 years old I just knew I could make things right. Now we are separated going toward a divorce, because of many factors, but this being one of the biggest. Thank you for sharing your story.
Darryl, Riverdale, GA
Anonymous says
Thank you for your strength and courage in sharing your story with us. Your daughters (all three of them) are beautiful.
Michelle_edwards2002 says
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am happy to know that you and your husband learned together how to be supportive of each other through a very difficult time during the loss of your baby daughter. You were right to take time to spend time just you and your daughter in saying goodbye to her. God knows your heart, and you gave the best of what was inside of you for your daughter. You gave her love, unmeasurable. He blessed you with two more beautiful angels along with your heavenly angel. She will always be part of your lives, no matter what. God bless you, your husband and your daughters. Keep smiling.
Candicej77 says
I, too, experienced the same pain of losing an infant child approximately 11 months ago. I totally understand what you’ve experienced. God bless you!
DOC says
Thank you for sharing this. I know this is really personal but I know it will help others. Can someone help us, who are not directly experiencing the loss, to support the parents? What are best practices? What should we avoid doing?
Capricornshaun31 says
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure this will help a mom in need. God bless you, and stay strong sis.
KWarren says
Thank you so much for these articles. My husband and I lost two children, both were delivered around 25 weeks. I have found comfort in hearing these stories that are almost a mirror to what we went through… Thank you.
Redlkme says
You story is very touching. There are so many nameless faces that suffer the loss of a child the same way you have. Some of those faces have been family and friends of mine. I gave birth to a micro-preemie that survived. So although I have a different story of a struggle, my ending had a happy outcome. I felt and still feel horrible for those who had outcomes that did not turn out the same way. I found myself in a position to want to understand and help them greive but was afraid to ask any details about their feelings for fear they would not feel I sincerely wanted to be their for them. By you sharing your story that is so sad and full of tearful moments, you have help me to understand how their story may unfold in their eyes! I applaud your willingness to relive those moments in order to help someone else in the same situation. Thank you! And may God continue to hold you, your husband, and beautiful girls (including your princess angel) in his loving and protective arms. Be blessed.
Sbclarke71 says
Thank you for sharing your story. Reading it brought me back to my loss just 3 years ago. My husband and I are stI’ll together but just the other day we were talking about “how did we make it through that”?? These days divorce happens at the drop of a hat and enter in having to bury a child and divorce just seems to be expected. We did grieve at different times and it was like my husband had to put his grief on hold to keep me from falling apart. I had to still be a mother to a surviving twin and an Older child. Then when I was “ok” then he grieved. SHARE helped me immensely and it was Marcia that brought me to your story. Thank you for sharing and proving that our families CAN stay together.
nikkied w says
I lost a baby 10 years ago…I didn’t even get as far as to hold her or touch her..but I still remember it like it was yesterday. I got thru it but not without the help of a notepad, friends and family if you are going thru a simliar situation it is ok to seek out help! I’m glad you decided to seek help and your story had a happy ending. Thank you for sharing Ms.Kirkland. Godbless.
Gregbrady66 says
I had a very hard time masturbaiting to this article. Thanks for the buzz kill!