In college, I dated a man named, well, let’s just call him Marlon. Marlon was attractive, articulate and intelligent—and he possessed a long list of long term potential qualities. Looking back, he was husband material. But I came to college to leave with a degree not a man.
Our relationship was very cool and casual. We hung in the same circles, so I guess it as also convenient. I must admit, I didn’t put a lot of effort into finding a man or keeping one. They typically found me. Not that I was conceited. Maybe I was over confident. Whatever the case, dating wasn’t difficult. Society wasn’t shoving statistics down my throat about the lack of good Black men. Future doctors, lawyers, teachers, engineers and millionaires—all with beautiful brown skin—were living under the same roof in my dorm.
Marlon and I didn’t last long. We had lust and laughs and fell into “like.” When we stopped dating, we continued spending time together (in group settings) as friends. Even though our friends encouraged us to be a couple, we didn’t submit to their peer pressure. One day, I remember Marlon telling me that he took another woman to church. We went to the same church but never went together. Sat next to each other in a pew not a car. I didn’t tell him this, but it bothered me. Taking a woman to church was the equivalent of taking a woman home to meet your mom. It wasn’t like he was a missionary, so he extended more than just the right hand of fellowship. This was serious. But not serious enough to make me want to be in a relationship or spark the flame again. I planned to move out of state to work as a television reporter. I didn’t want love to keep me from packing my bags. I had a few things to check off in my life before I settled down.
More than a decade later, when I became a single mom, I wondered if I should have settle down with Marlon. I knew he wouldn’t dump me during my pregnancy. Heck, he would have married me before conception. I saw pictures of him online loving and caring for his wife (not sure if it was the girl from church) and child. And I made up assumptions about him being this adoring husband and admirable father. Then I woke up from my Facebook fantasy. I reminded myself that everyone you meet is not your husband. People enter your life and stick around for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You have to accept that divine destiny.
Maybe Marlon and I would have lived happily ever after. Maybe not. Maybe he is the world’s greatest dad and a super spouse. Maybe not. The point is—I can’t focus on something that I can’t change. Even if Marlon and I stayed together, I seriously doubt it would have been for a decade, and I’m sure my story would still be the same—a happy ending with a lovely little girl.
As we live and learn, we must let go of the past, enjoy the present and look forward to the future. I love my outcome and don’t envy others, including Marlon’s wife. Marlon and I are no longer in touch unless you count a poke or a like online. We receive updates through friends who run into us in person. We’re proud of each other and happy that we had a small contribution into making each other into the person we are today. I no longer think my past love would have been my future husband.
Hey BMWK—Do you ever wonder about the “what if” factor? How do you focus of the present and not the past?
This sounds like me.. I too, had men like Marlon in my life that are now engaged and prospering while I’m still waiting. As I look back, all I can do is learn from those relationships. To wonder “what might have been” is a trick of the enemy. All we can do press forward and when regrets come in to steal our joy, rebuke them and keep moving. I’m glad my “Marlon” has found true love. I know that God has someone designed for me, yes, I do fall into self-pity, but jealousy is just as cruel…I choose to live with no regrets.
Thank you for this wonderful article.
Great article Heather!! I was guilty of this too.
I think a lot of us single females are guilty of this.
A Wonderful & Relative article! I think it is truly amazing how women share so many of the same experiences! Please keep writing…I needed confirmation that what’s for me is for me!
Wow, this hit home, but I truly believe that if someone is truly for you. They will come back around one day, so just be ready to pack up and leave when he comes, so don’t fully close that door !!!!!! Especially if you’re in a bad marriage, or have been left as a single mother by another man.
Great article! As someone who is almost 47.. I just feel completely hopeless ..like I’ll be single forever and I’m NOT OK with it…I’m filled with regrets we seem to have so much time when we’re young. *deep sigh*…
Great share! There is much power in being able to sit still for a moment and love every aspect about your life right now. This includes your state of being a single person. Remember that God is preparing you for your mate right now. Feeling agony about your past behavior is only going to keep you in the past. As women, with aspiration to be married, we must be careful not to squander opportunities to bond with great men that have the intangible qualities that money cannot buy: integrity, character, love for God, etc.
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