by Eric Payne
Portions of this No Wedding No Womb Post have been excerpted from the forthcoming book, Bottom Line Fatherhood, by Eric Payne.
A Baby Was Going To Ruin Everything
I was hardly happy when I was told I was going to have a child. In fact, I nearly had a panic attack. My stomach tightened. My mouth dried out. My heart pounded out against my rib cage and I didn’t think there was enough air in the world to fill my lungs. For a second I began to hallucinate that I was asleep dreaming that I was awake.
But this was no dream and I was wide awake. I asked again, just to be sure. My then-girlfriend answered, “Yes,” with stone cold certainty, the way a woman does about these things.
“So what are we gonna do?” I asked, not making even a slight effort to mask the despair in my voice.
She talked about doctors and telling people and some other stuff. By then I was gone, spiraling out of control, down into my own personal hell.
Why me, Lord? I asked in my head. Why now?
There was a very simple, scientific answer to both my questions. But in a moment of panic what man wants to hear the truth? Eventually, I tuned back into my conversation with the now-mother of my child, and I did what any irrational man would do: I began throwing stones of doubt.
Why are you telling me this now”...over the phone? Isn’t this something you save for face-to-face?”
Her answer: “I wanted to tell you on Father’s Day (a mere four days later), but I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.”
“Great!” I answered, sarcastically. “How do you know for sure you’re pregnant?”
Her answer: “Eric, I am. Besides I took three home pregnancy tests, just to be sure.”
Even better, I thought, as my heart did somersaults in my stomach. “Well, what made you think you were pregnant in the first place?”
Her answer infuriated me: “It’s funny, you know? You kept asking if I was pregnant (I did because she suddenly began exhibiting strange behavior — crying for no reason, repeatedly telling me she loved me, etc., etc.) so I began to wonder myself.”
It wasn’t funny at all. In fact it was all my fault. Had I not asked, then maybe she wouldn’t have been pregnant until she really started showing.
“But we only”...we’ve only done it once since”...” my voice trailed off.
“You’re joking right?” she asked, sharply. “Could you at least try to sound happy?”
“Well, I’ve just gotten comfortable”...you know”...him accepting me and”...I mean”...isn’t one enough?” I asked regarding her ten-year old son who would eventually become my son too. “What are we gonna do with a baby?”
“Love this child just like we love the one we already have.”
Her answers were coming too quickly. They were too sure, too certain. Abortion wasn’t an option for either of us. If there were only some kind of way to give it away, I thought. I was losing my mind by the second. In my desperate and sinking campaign for reason, I went somewhere I had no business going: “I don’t want to bring a child into this world with Iraq and everything”...” Had I known then what I know now I wouldn’t have even thought what I said.
“What?!! Eric, what the [expletive] are you talking about?! What does any of this have to do with the fact that I just told you that I am pregnant”...with your child?”
This was the first of many times I was cursed out for exercising my male rationale during the time my lady was pregnant. My mind was too wrapped up in itself to grasp the overarching depth of her question. I didn’t get that she wanted me to be the father of her second child. I didn’t hear the urgent need in her voice for reassurance nor did I catch its vulnerable tone. I didn’t get that not only was I going to have a child, but from then and forever more I was a father. But at the time I was too busy listening to the racket caused by my fears.
I got off the phone a broken, scared and deranged man. Broken because I thought I knew better and was sure I had been raised better. Scared because even though I was thirty-three, how was I going to tell my traditional God-fearing mother I was going to have a baby out of wedlock? Deranged because I actually got down on my knees and prayed to God and begged Him to take this burden off me and just make it go away like magic.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be a father eventually. But I was a man with plans — plans that didn’t exactly include a real baby that carried my DNA. I was making good money and saving most of it. I was planning to buy a luxury vehicle at the end of the summer. I was planning to buy a second home and turn the little condo I owned at the time into a rental property. I was planning a summer of romantic getaways with the woman who would be my wife all over the U.S. and Europe. And maybe at the end of the year if all went well between us I planned to pop the question. I wanted to do everything on my terms, as I saw fit, and based on what made sense to me. I was on my way to living the life I had always planned to live, short of being able to fly and owning bulletproof tights. A baby was definitely going to ruin everything.
I continued to pray, beg, babble and even roll around on the floor for the rest of the night until the sun came up. Operating on about fifteen minutes of sleep, I knew things would be better when I spoke to my lady again. I just knew she was going to scream, “April Fools!” even though it was June. We’d laugh. I’d tell her to never scare me like that again and we’d move on.
But she was still pregnant when we spoke. I was surprised she got so upset that I asked. There was no harm in the question. Surely, she had to have known how scared I was. My life was over. I was about to be a father —- for real.
A New Beginning Filled With Opportunities
Now as a husband and a father of two I get a good laugh at my expense when I think back on those early days of my journey into “fatherdoom”. What I didn’t understand during those earliest moments is that becoming a father is a privileged process that will test your patience, your strength, your knowledge and your resolve. It will make a man out of you more than machismo, working out, having a nice car and job, or carrying a gun ever will. In the years I’ve been a father I’ve learned more about myself than I did in all my years prior. I’ve learned how to give of myself in ways I never thought imaginable. And I know love on levels I didn’t even know love existed. But I didn’t know any of this until I took the plunge.
Less than a week after I received the news of being a father, I randomly stumbled on an article in ESPN magazine about a rookie NFL player who decided to happily raise his child even though he was on the cusp of a promising football career. What was his reasoning for this almost bizarre and brazen attitude? He stated as a matter of factly that he could have it all. Having a child wouldn’t and couldn’t ruin his life, but only add to it.
I’m no football player and don’t have an NFL salary, but this young man’s reasoning appealed to me. I said it out loud, “I can have it all. A baby and the life I want.” Once my attitude changed, my heart followed and so too did my actions. Suddenly there was no way I was going to leave a woman out there by herself to carry to term and then raise my child alone. I went to my future wife, tail between my legs and let her know I loved her and that I was on board. We were going to do this, together.
Bottom Line: Becoming a father isn’t the end of life at all. It’s a new beginning filled with opportunities.
No matter what your circumstances may be, no matter how hard it may get, or how tempting it may be to throw in the towel before you even begin, your kid will always be on the receiving end of your actions. Should that innocent and defenseless human life suffer because you are scared or don’t believe, I repeat, believe, you can do it? Or because you simply don’t want to? And if you don’t want to, then you shouldn’t have made the baby by taking the necessary steps from abstinence to contraception to prevent its conception. No matter what, your child will benefit from your investment into his or her life a million times more than they would if you opt not to. Your absence has potentially terrible consequences:
Children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents to:
- Be poor
- Use drugs
- Experience educational problems
- Experience health problems
- Experience emotional problems
- Experience behavioral problems
- Be victims of child abuse
- Engage in criminal behavior*
*Source: The National Fatherhood Initiative.
Being a father is far more than a mere obligation or responsibility. It is a necessity in today’s society. Our children need us. Not just mom, but dad too.
But why live in the negative when there are so many experiences to have? You’ll get to go through the growing pains of pregnancy with your wife/partner and be a source of reassurance to the woman who now believes she is cow. I know this doesn’t sound appealing but you can have fun with it. Take a vacation or even more than one while it’s still safe to travel. It doesn’t have to be fancy or lavish. It can be a weekend getaway to that friend or family member’s home out of state — that one you always promise to visit. Start investing the energy into deciding what you want your child to be named. Begin to plan for the new life the three of you will have together. Be practical and financially sound, but also dream big dreams. A new life will soon be entering into the world and it’s because of you! Arguably, except for cases of sexual abuse, the arrival of a child is cause for celebration. And most important on my personal to-do list for you: get to know your child before you ever lay eyes on him or her. Talk to them, sing to them, read to them, call them by their name through mommy’s belly. Calling my daughter by her name moments after she was born and watching her respond by opening her eyes was a priceless moment that only she and I will have. I knew my daughter before she was born. Once she was out in the world all I had to do was get to work. With fatherhood comes a wellspring of experiences that you and your child and your wife/partner will have forever.
At the beginning of the day and at its end there are there are no perfect dads, only real ones. But you’ll never know unless you try. So don’t be afraid! You have nothing to fear but the thought in your head and the warnings of men (and some women who sadly failed themselves and their children). Just do it.
It has been said over and over again that anyone can be a father, but it takes a special man to raise a child. By embracing and investing in fatherhood, you are investing into the next generation of adults. But more important than that, you are investing into your child, a priceless thing direct from Heaven. You get to shape and mold them to be the best that they can be. Give your child love and live your life with love and fear will have no place in your life.
No Wedding No Womb!
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), Eric talks about being a father and a husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler ““ Man, Dad, Husband. You can follow him on Twitter or find him chopping it up on his Facebook Page. He is the author the soon to be published, Bottom Line Fatherhood, and of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric writes NYC tourism articles for NYMetropolista.com and is a contributing writer for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
HarrietH says
Flatline @ “In fact it was all my fault. Had I not asked, then maybe she wouldnt have been pregnant until she really started showing.”
That’s hilarious!
And to be honest, the way you dote over your children now on MMWH, I would have never guessed that your past attitude was that selfish. I’m glad you stuck it out.
Dianne M Daniels says
So cool, this article…raw and real and scared and hopeful and finally triumphant…should be required reading for young men who THINK they are ready to be a father, and for those who have fathered children but are not acting like it.
“Becoming a father isnt the end of life at all. Its a new beginning filled with opportunities.”…love this…and you can indeed have it all! Bravo!
EPayne says
Not defending any of my attitudes back then but I believe my selfish was the tangible byproduct of my fear. My fear was the result of being unprepared, unmarried, unprotected, and out of order with my beliefs. But thanks be to God that children are a blessing. There’s really no other way to cut it. And no way any man or woman can rationalize leaving a child out there to fend for itself with only one half of his/her parenting team in place.