by Eric Payne
As married people, there’s only one thing we do more than breathe while living under the same roof. We talk or otherwise, communicate — for better or worse. From the moment we open our eyes to the time that we close them we are actively engaged in making sure that the people with whom we share our lives and need to interact with understand us. Whether articulate or blunt, sugar coated or acrid, words ““ both the ones we choose to speak and the way we interpret those spoken to us determine the course of our days, everyday. And believe it or not, married folks are at a disadvantage when it comes having a gift for gab.
Many people on the outside looking in are inclined to believe that people who are married communicate better. Many married people are under the impression that they are better communicators because of the closeness they share with their spouses. And when we as married people don’t seem to be getting through to our partners we believe a) something is wrong with them; b) something is wrong with them; or c) something is wrong with the marriage, or some combination of all three. However it turns out that it is this familiarity that comes with marriage that provides the stumbling block for much of our communication.
What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate
A recent University of Chicago study found that married couples don’t communicate any better than strangers do because of all the reading between the lines that takes place, and the expectation that our spouses “get us.”
Boaz Keysar, a professor in psychology at the University of Chicago states:
“People commonly believe that they communicate better with close friends than with strangers. That closeness can lead people to overestimate how well they communicate, phenomenon we term the “˜closeness-communication bias.'”
The reality is that men and women, strangers and spouses alike, interpret what is said to them with about the same level of accuracy. The difference arises in that spouses expect to be understood for exactly what they mean, not necessarily what they say. This is when problems arise. Phil Dunphy, a father and husband and central character on the ABC sitcom Modern Family portrays this phenomenon perfectly. At least once and episode, but usually multiple times, he acts on “miscues” from his wife, thinking she is coming on to him, when 9 times out of 10 she isn’t. So there is an illusion of understanding that actually doesn’t exist. In fact we more likely to communicate better to strangers because we go into conversations with people we don’t know, understanding that they don’t know us or what is in our heads. We are less likely to imply and more likely to be direct.
Listen? Yes. Interpret Correctly? Not So Much.
At least once a week my wife is trying to get me to confess to not listening to her. But I hear almost everything she has to say unless I actually can’t hear due to some other noise drowning her out. But understanding what she says as she intends it is something else entirely. Sometimes I miss the boat. I just don’t get it. My male brain is preoccupied or tuned in to another frequency. There are times when I am factoring in too much of my understanding of her to correctly interpret what she says, which she is quick to point out. Then there are times when I am expected to know what she means because I know her, or at least she thought I did. Equally there are moments when I am talking with my wife that I am sure I must be speaking another language. This is all cause for the phrase, “Say what you mean and mean what you say” to take on new and fresh relevance.
What do you think BMWK — should your spouse — husbands and wives alike just know what you mean because of who you all are in each other’s lives? Is it their fault for not understanding you? Or could you both benefit from equally making the effort to speak with clarity in order to avoid the gray areas and the inevitable ensuing arguments?
Eric is the author of Love Notes: Poems & Stories and the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook). He talks about being a man, dad and husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler ““ Man, Dad, Husband and his Facebook Page. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos, tech products and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
Anna says
I say “say what’s on your mind and get it over with” , but not unless you thought about what you were going to say first. LOL.
Reggie Williams says
“And when we as married people dont seem to be getting through to our partners we believe a) something is wrong with them; b) something is wrong with them; or c) something is wrong with the marriage, or some combination of all three”
Oh how true the above is. In the past 5 days, my wife and I have fielded 4 calls from disgruntled spouses and each one of their comments was either something is wrong with them or something is wrong with the marriage.
Oftentimes something is wrong with them, but just as often something is usually wrong with you, but folk ain’t willing to pull that mirror out because its much easier to fix your spouse’s problem.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
EPayne says
Or so one believes because it is IMPOSSIBLE to change someone else unless they themselves want to change. It is much easier to work on yourself. At least then the only person you can be mad at is you.
Teamtunell313 says
Gerald Lund talks about switching to “content communication”. In other words, couples consciously choose to interpret what the other says based solely on the words. If one spouse says, “Hey, do you want to go see a movie?” and the other says with a very sarcastic, tired, and depressed voice, “Yeah”, they you say, “Alright, let’s go!” Of course, my personal technique is call attention to the inconsistency by saying, “Well, it doesn’t SOUND like you want to go.” and then trying to work out the reason. Pointing out inconsistencies with what someone says and does puts a stop to the miscommunication cycle, though it may not be very pleasant.
Ruby Griffin says
When in a relationship,and a wee situation come up…Speak up!on the problem right then,and don’t let it blow up…Ladies,when talking to your partner,talk to him as a men,not your floor mat,drop the attitude.Men,When talking to your partner,as well…Do not make her feel less then a women,let her feel that she is a part of the solution…that she have a voice also.In any situation,You must learn,WHEN TO CONTROL YOUR TONGUE,OR WHEN TO SPEAK UP…Just being real.When he or she is not listening,they both are talking loud,and saying nothing,for instance,they have became the little boy that call wolf…The bottom line,All problem have a solution,It’s not what you say,to get the attention…It’s how you say it…to get the respect.remember,speak up,listen.and solve…to me it’s just that simple.