by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Last week I had this great article in mind, but as my research began I was thrown off course by a few questions. The original post was aimed at discussing African-American children’s hobbies and extracurricular activities. ABC World News reported that Blacks are 3 times more likely to drown than Whites and I wanted to learn more. But as I entered the words “black people and swimming” into a Google search, the results were a little bit more than I expected.
One of the first search responses was from Yahoo Answers. Once I clicked the link it returned a page titled “Other Groups and Cultures” where I came across the following questions:
Why do black people hate swimming, camping and pets?
Why do even skinny black girls have big butts?
Why are dark skinned men so sexy?
Why do black people love fried chicken?
Why are black people so aggressive?
Why do black people dress heavily in the winter?
Why do black people greet each other in odd ways? (The handshake and using my n**** as a greeting)
Do you use a hot iron for your hair?
Most of the questions started with the words “I am not trying to offend or be racist, but I am just curious.” Now I know that these questions were asked and discussed by just a small group of individuals, but I think it leads to a great conversation. I personally wasn’t offended by their search for knowledge; in fact I think more of us should be open to having conversations about race. We should ask the questions we are curious about in a respectful way of course. At my previous job I was the only African-American in my office and a couple of my co-workers and I openly discussed race, asked each other questions (occasionally about my hair) and just learned from one another. Many in today’s society are afraid of coming across as racist or insensitive and others can sometimes be too sensitive on matters regarding race.
This topic brings to mind the recent comment on the “Meet The Team” page on this very site from the woman who took issue with the title of Black and Married With Kids.
“Hello, I am white and married with kids. You people are so full of crap. You want everyone to be equal, but then you go and start a website called “blackandmarriedwithkids”?? I was so appalled when I saw this in my Parenting magazine. How about I make a website called “whiteandmarriedwithkids”? Hmmmm not so nice now… What would you call me then, racist? Well I’m not. But having been on this planet for 34 years, it’s getting harder and harder not to be when things like this come up. How about you change the name to just “marriedwithkids” and call it a day? Then you might just be able to make some friends with us whities. Just a thought.”
Her presentation, not the greatest, but the underlying question was valid. Had she just asked why that name was chosen, she would have received her answer as well as a lot more positive feedback. The results of not discussing lead to assumptions and attitudes followed by actions based on those assumptions which lead to intolerance. These basic conversations allow us to clear up many of the misconceptions others have and vice versa. We can teach that certain common generalizations don’t apply to all African-Americans and then highlight the great qualities we possess that are often overlooked. We first have to be open to answer and ask those race questions.
BMWK, are we too sensitive when it comes to conversations about race?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
Somsharp1 says
Yes, I think we can be sensitive but race is a sensitive subject. I must agree with you though; I think it’s largely the way questions are posed and the intention and motivation behind them that we become sensitive to; i.e. this lady’s “question/response” to this website. With all the hostility, accusation and intolerance in her letter, how can a person not get defensive? Her not understanding that things are not equal; that we are not fairly represented or considered equal or normal in this country and therefore creating the need for us to have a website like this is the true issue.
I too have been in situations where I was the only Black and had my White colleagues sincerely ask racial questions and I was open to the discussions. It’s all in the approach.
Angela says
Race is and always will be a sensitive subject. This ladies second sentence bothers me. “you people?” You can feel and hear the hostility in her words; she’s totally clueless. Better she put this in writing versus verbalizing it to the wrong person; she may not like the response she receives. She mentions that the article moves her closer to being a racist. WTH!!? Reading an ad in a paper shouldn’t make her a racist no more than me reading her response and becoming one. Ummm, perhaps she’s making an excuse to feel that way? It appears to me that she has gone thru or experienced some racial battle/issues, some maybe not so good.
Angela says
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that I’ve been the only AA on two different jobs and we freely discussed and asked race questions. People, white and black, are curious. It’s all in how you ask or approach the conversation.
Dianne M Daniels says
Yes, we can be sensitive – but with the history we’ve endured simply because of our race, is it any wonder that we’re sensitive?
I too have been the only AA on the job – in fact, a white man I used to supervise told me honestly that I was the first person of AA descent that he’d ever had a chance to get to know. He was raised in a small town, rural middle-America and freely admitted to his ignorance. I don’t mind questions asked in a respectful, curious manner.
Like some others, I get questions about my hair (I’m currently rocking an Afro) and the occasional person who wants to touch it…and I agree with Somsharp1 and Angela – it’s all in how they ask and how the conversation is approached. Tone of voice, facial expression, body language, and online use of capitals all contributes to ‘communication’ and how your opinion or question is taken.
HarrietH says
Here’s my thing: I should not be held responsible as the cultural immersion go-to person to get others acclimated to my race. If you just look at some of the responses to the articles I’ve written on this website, you will find that my opinions and mindset differ from many others. That’s the beauty of the Diaspora of African Americans.
If someone asks me, “How do black people feel about ____?” I will ALWAYS respond that my opinion and viewpoints are mine alone, and I would never attempt to answer for my entire race.
Case in point: I went to a predominantly white college (University of Illinois). I had the privilege of being a summer orientation leader for all the new freshmen and international students coming in. One young lady from Tibet had never seen a black person before in her life. She felt comfortable enough with me to ask me if she could see my tail, because she was raised thinking all people of my hue had one. That was my opportunity to respectfully and graciously educate her otherwise, and let her know that her people–in that particular instance–were wrong.
So while I believe that when approaching racially tinged subjects one should proceed with caution, I also believe that if I get offended by every misunderstanding, I will cut my life short by internalizing something that has nothing to do with who I am as a person.
Somsharp1 says
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Yes, HarrietH, I agree with you too. Whenever I get broached with the “What do Black people…” questions I respond the same way; by letting them know “Well I can’t tell you what/why Black people….but I can tell you MY opinion…”. I am not the spokesperson for all Black people nor do all Black people think, feel or act the same!
Again, I take each situation with stride, rely on myself and the situation to react accordingly. You’re right, you can’t spend you’re whole life getting upset and angry over other people’s ignorance.
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TamikaH says
Seriously, a tail?
HarrietH says
I couldn’t be offended, Tamika. . .she genuinely didn’t know any better. LOL
Kisha says
So many white people fail to understand that “we” don’t have to ask questions about “them” because “their” history and “their” way is virtually ALL that is taught to “us”.
If we don’t take the opportunity to educate ourselves and our children, etc, it won’t happen. It’s one thing when people have sincere questions, or when people who have no exposure to other races ask questions. For example, when I found myself working side by side with other scientist (primarily Indian, East Asian, etc), I did have questions when we would all be together. Because I have little knowledge of their culture. But I just don’t need to ask those questions of white Americans; it’s shoved down my throat 24/7.
As for the lady with extreme hostility towards the site…who says that every black person’s aim is to “make friends with whites”?
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
Whenever people ask me, “What do black people think about…?” I always respond with, “Hold on, let me call Headquarters….” LOL
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
Not a tail! I’m sorry that just made me LOL- But I’m glad that you were able to teach her otherwise.
Tiya says
Harriet, I am too stunned with that one. A tail, really? And if you did have one, wouldn’t that been kind of gross to show her lol.
Somsharp1 says
Ha! right???!!
Anna says
As for the lady with extreme hostility towards the site…who says that every black person’s aim is to “make friends with whites”?
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I hear this a lot from some black ppl. Some blacks are not even friends w/other blacks. As far as the name of this site. Is the name of this site that serious?. I never saw a foot note that says “for blacks, married ppl w/kids only”. LOL. This site does remind ppl (especially)black ppl that you don’t have to be allergic to marriage. Some topics may be more geared at the black community, we don’t get the best advice on Health Care, Finances, Mental Health issues, as non Blacks. Some ppl don’t know what it’s like to be Black. Try walking in a Black persons shoes for a day. Or a biracial persons shoes for a day who looks white, but identifies as Black, and ppl hear your voice over the phone and even see you in person, but still use the “colored” word in front of you. I don’t get offended, I just find it funny when I say to them “you can call us black”. I had a woman say to me ” You know how those coloreds are”. LOL. I had a white man in my office and his precious little girl got pregnant by a black man. I told him “I’m black, not all black ppl are bad, nor your daughter for getting pregnant by a black man. LOL. I live in a mixed community. Not all Black ppl BBQ on the front porch, not all Mexicans have a couch on their porch, and not all Polish ppl wash their sidewalks off on Saturday morning. My point. “We need to quit putting every race in one basket, it’s time to stop stereotyping.”.
The phrase “You People”. LOL, I guess that will never get updated to “Some People”.
Andria says
What bothers me most about hostility and questions like this is that they betray the asker’s inability to think for themselves. How about take a moment and think “Hm, why would this site be called blackandmarriedwithkids other than keeping someone like me out? Is it actually keeping me out? Hm.” The world would be just a smidge better with a few more “Hm” moments.
Tiya says
I like that response Tara.
Tiya says
Totally agree!
Somsharp1 says
Yes, HarrietH, I agree with you too. Whenever I get broached with the “What do Black people…” questions I respond the same way; by letting them know “Well I can’t tell you what/why Black people….but I can tell you MY opinion…”. I am not the spokesperson for all Black people nor do all Black people think, feel or act the same!
Again, I take each situation with stride, rely on myself and the situation to react accordingly. You’re right, you can’t spend you’re whole life getting upset and angry over other people’s ignorance.