By Edward C. Lee
Last weekend I was out with some friends at one of those restaurant/bar type places that reminds all of us parents what life was like before we got married and had kids. The food was great and the music so loud on the main floor that there was no way our party of nine was going to have a conversation without shouting at each other.
Yet somewhere amid the pounding beat of house music, old school rap (the good stuff), with an occasional alternative rock cut mixed in, we got into a discussion about a parenting conundrum one of the parents at the table was facing.
One of the mothers at the table announced her preschool aged son has been invited to a classmates house for a play-date. Unfortunately, her son has no interest in playing with his classmate outside of school. As my friend rounded out the details of her dilemma, it was clear that the other little boy was that one in the class that no one wants to play with. So much so that his mother was offering to pay for, pickup and drop off our friend’s son, just to see that someone play with her little boy. Now, maybe I am just a softy but I could hear that the mother that extended the invitation was desperate. And it made me a little sensitive to her situation and even more so, to her son.
However, the question that erupted at our table that night over dinner was not about the feelings of the other family. Rather, the conversation was about how we would handle such an invitation if our child was not interested. The first concern raised was of the self-imposed pressure we feel as parents not to insult the other parent. Yet on the other hand, while no one wants to insult the peer parent, your child is standing there, pouting with their lip poked out as they whine, “But I don’t want to go!” So what do you do, do you respect your child’s wishes not to play with the little boy deemed the class outcast, or insist they go so you can save face with the other parent?
The overall sentiment among our group was that a child needs to learn that they don’t have to do things they don’t want to do. That parents should not force their children to be around people they don’t like.
I, however, was of a different opinion, especially when thinking about grooming a little boy to become a man. To me this was a great opportunity to teach a child about humility and how to get along with others. Having just turned early 40 something I can look back through four years of college, and several years in the corporate world and see that life is full of encounters with people that we don’t want to have a “playdate” with. Thoughts of a few former managers come to mind. Yet the ability to get along with them was intricately linked to me keeping my job – LOL.
The child encouraged not to go out of their comfort zone becomes the adult that can only relate to others that think like them. But the child encouraged to encounter a diversity of personalities learns a life skill of being able to get along with others.
I think of my own personal experience. My father was a mobility instructor when I was a child. He taught visually impaired elementary aged children how to read braille and manage a seeing eye dog. On days when I did not have school he would take me with him as he trained blind children, about my age, how to manage their way through the city and local malls. From those experiences I learned how to play and befriend a variety of different type of people. It was a model of humility, caring and accepting others that could not have been gained in selfishness, alone in the comfort of my room. Parenting is about guiding our children to see broader horizons and brace the fullness of life. Not the narrowing down to comfort zones and familiar boundaries.
So thats my opinion, what do you think BMWK, are there benefits to encouraging a child to interact with those they don’t particularly want to interact with? Are there other opportunities available to help your child expand their comfort zones?
Edward is an ordained minister, host of the blog: elevateyourmarriage.com and author of two first of their kind marriage books, Husbands, Wives, God: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage and his new book, Husbands, Wives, God – Weekly Devotions: 52 Weeks of Relationship Enriching Devotions. Follow Edward on his blog or on Facebook at Husbands, Wives, God.
Anonymous says
I agree with you 100%. This comment really disturbed me:
“The overall sentiment among our group was that a child needs to learn that they dont have to do things they dont want to do.”
That is the total opposite of what children need to be taught. There will be tons of times in life that we have to do things that we don’t want to do. This kind of parenting is what has led to a generation of children growing up spoiled, selfish and entitled. What would those same parents be saying if their child was the one that was the “outcast.”
Cheryl says
Wow, I thought the message we are supposed to impart was that you do have to do things you don’t want to. I would completely take my child to this play date. There will be times in their lives when they will be the outcast one, for whatever reason. This is a perfect instance where empathy can be learned. I fear for the children of your friends.
Cheryl says
Wow, I thought the message we are supposed to impart was that you do have to do things you don’t want to. I would completely take my child to this play date. There will be times in their lives when they will be the outcast one, for whatever reason. This is a perfect instance where empathy can be learned. I fear for the children of your friends.
Roger Madison says
As a grandparent, I had to think way back to when our children were very young. We took them to a lot of activities and events that they didn’t want to go to. Later, when I was the corporate mover — living in different locations all over the country — the best skill that our children developed was the ability to meet strangers and quickly build friendships.
If we give our children the impression that the world revolves around their wants, they will have difficulty adjusting when they move beyond the fantasy world that you are creating for them by protecting them from things they don’t want to do.
The lesson I recall teaching my son was this: “No one loves you like we love you. But you have to get along with all those other folks (most of whom don’t really care about you) to enjoy the life you desire.”
Alonzo says
I have to agree with the above comments. Our children should be forced to break out of their comfort zones. That’s part of becoming a rational, empathetic human being.
Who knows why the child in the scenario didn’t have any friends, but how many of us can relate to people not wanting to play with us because of the color of our skin? We experienced little kids that didn’t want to break out of their “comfort zones” to play with a child of another color.
Alonzo says
I have to agree with the above comments. Our children should be forced to break out of their comfort zones. That’s part of becoming a rational, empathetic human being.
Who knows why the child in the scenario didn’t have any friends, but how many of us can relate to people not wanting to play with us because of the color of our skin? We experienced little kids that didn’t want to break out of their “comfort zones” to play with a child of another color.
Ayize Ma'at says
Great post. I would have a private conversation with my child and ask why they don’t want to go? Is it because the other child is the class bully? Is it because the other child has “got the cooties” LOL I’m not going to accomodate the other parent or child if I feel that making my child attend will significantly impact my relationship with my child in a negative way. However I will accomodate the other parent and child if I feel my child’s reason for not wanting to play with the other child is trivial. Basically, I’m looking for the greater good….and a conversation is required in order to find it.
Anonymous says
well I certainly wouldn’t let my child go WITHOUT me. I mean if he was comfortable and was excited sure he can go with the other parent and child solo. But if he’s saying he doesn’t want to go then it’s for a reason. Don’t get me wrong HE IS GOING, but with his objections I’m going too. It’s a lot of things we don’t want to do in life. Hell I don’t want to get up sometimes and go to work, but I like to eat so hey. He will get through it and who knows what he will do for that other child. I can not imagine my son being deemed an outcast at 4, but if I can do something to help another child, my community, the world, by just going to the park, I consider it a small investment for the greater good.
Yadams24 says
I would ask my child the reasoning behind their not wanting to go. If it were a normal childish answer then I would probablyencourage/make my child go. But, let me be very clear, NOT to please the desparate parent, but to teach my child to deal with diversity they will face in life and to deal with things they don’t enjoy that they will encounter in life. And, yes, I would go with my child since there appears to be some hesitancy.
Yadams24 says
I would ask my child the reasoning behind their not wanting to go. If it were a normal childish answer then I would probablyencourage/make my child go. But, let me be very clear, NOT to please the desparate parent, but to teach my child to deal with diversity they will face in life and to deal with things they don’t enjoy that they will encounter in life. And, yes, I would go with my child since there appears to be some hesitancy.
Yadams24 says
I would ask my child the reasoning behind their not wanting to go. If it were a normal childish answer then I would probablyencourage/make my child go. But, let me be very clear, NOT to please the desparate parent, but to teach my child to deal with diversity they will face in life and to deal with things they don’t enjoy that they will encounter in life. And, yes, I would go with my child since there appears to be some hesitancy.
Holliday says
I agree with you. I don’t think children need to learn that they don’t have to do things they don’t want to do. I think they need to learn there are things they shouldn’t do, and there are things they could do if they like, but in order to mature, one has to be able to do things you don’t want to do. These are lessons learned early on. We are forever graded on how well we play with others… it separates the leaders from the followers.
enjoyceinglife says
I see both sides of the coin. I don’t think I would force my child to play with the other child, but I’d certainly have a conversation with my child about the reason why, as well as tolerance and understanding. I may encourage my child to be accepting of difference and not join in group isolation – depending on why the child is being isolated. Its a tough choice, because I certainly see and appreciate the author’s point of view. My decision would be based on my conversation with my child and the lessons I feel she could – and I – could learn from either engaging with this parent and child.
Jaenikol says
My mom forced me to go on many many playdates with children I didn’t want to play with, and today, twenty years later some of them are still my closest friends. I cringe to think about what I would have missed out on if she hadn’t made me go!
In addition, I learned how to interact with ALL kinds of people, to appreciate each one for their own unique qualities, and how to empathize….all skills that have proven beneficial throughout my adult life.
Those other parents give their children too much credit. Children don’t know what they need nor do they understand how these experiences will help them grow in the future. It’s the parents’ job to direct them and prepare them, and if the kids are calling the shots, then you are doing your children a grave disservice.
Jaenikol says
My mom forced me to go on many many playdates with children I didn’t want to play with, and today, twenty years later some of them are still my closest friends. I cringe to think about what I would have missed out on if she hadn’t made me go!
In addition, I learned how to interact with ALL kinds of people, to appreciate each one for their own unique qualities, and how to empathize….all skills that have proven beneficial throughout my adult life.
Those other parents give their children too much credit. Children don’t know what they need nor do they understand how these experiences will help them grow in the future. It’s the parents’ job to direct them and prepare them, and if the kids are calling the shots, then you are doing your children a grave disservice.
Aja says
I think it’s very interesting that the mother even saw this as a dilemma at that age. I don’t remember being asked whether I wanted to go anywhere when I was like 4. I went where my parents went and played with whoever was there. The dilemma for me would be whether I was willing to allow my child at that age to spend time alone at someone’s house that I didn’t know extremely well. Other than that I can’t see what compelling reason a preschool age child would have not to play with another one. It would be different if they were in 6th Grade, but popularity issues in preschool? Throw those boys a ball and some Legos and keep it moving. I’m sure they’ll be fine.
Anonymous says
Aja – I omitted the fact that these kids go to a $18,000 a year “Kindergarten”! So social and academic pressure on these kids is super crazy – even at 5
Tiya says
Edward, I totally agree with you. This is how children learn and grow. We have to push them in areas where we as parents know what’s best and that will include that child doing what they think they don’t want to do. They are too young to understand it now, but they will see the benefits in the future.
Ronnie_BMWK says
I am a little late to this conversation. But I totally agree with you Edward and several others like Ayize.
One of the things that I can appreciate about my oldest child is his ability to make friends and play with kids (even when the other kids do not want to play with them.) He has always had a kind heart in that way and never liked to see kids picked on.
I would have a conversation with my child to find out why he/she does not want to go on the playdate. If it is because the other child is mean to my child..then I will not force my child. But for the most part, I would ask my child to consider the other child’s feelings.
Joan E. Gosier says
I explained to a young man yesterday at our after school tutoring program…sometimes to declare that U don’t like something when U don’t know something is the definition of IG-NORANT.
Remember 7 words..Always Learn Something New with Open Mind! Now…if they KNOW that they KNOW they don’t like something or someone from previous experience…Well…Why NOT listen to their side?
Sometimes the feedback works well BOTH ways that can help everyone GROW and KNOW better.
Loe says
I think i would ask my child why they didn’t want to play with the Kid.
The kid could be a bully, or be wierd in a way that it’s a sign of a behavioral problem. Don’t really agree with the over all sentiment that one needs to learn how to get along with people you don’t like because a Play date is about friendship. You don’t have to be buddies with everybody. He can learn that principle in another setting but you can be forcing him to be friends with a bad kid. So i would ask my kid why he doesn’t want to play with that kid, sometimes depend on the kid, kid’s have good instincts!