I can’t tell you how many times I have written about the fact that I came with a bonus. I was pregnant at 19, and from that point on was someone’s mommy. My life was no longer just my life. I was sharing it with someone and as a result all future decisions that I made impacted her life, not just mine. This included whomever I dated. I have said it several times and will say it again — my husband got quite the package deal when he opened up his heart to receive not just my love, but also the love of my child. Trusting him with her heart was a big deal. The last thing any mother wants is for her child’s heart to be broken whether it be a relationship gone awry or the hurt felt after loosing a loved one. My husband has loved our daughter with everything in him and it has been beautiful watching their relationship blossom. The two of them adore each other and I thank God for what I believe was a match made in heaven. He was just what I needed and he was just what she needed too.
Not a lot of men can do what my husband did. Not a lot of men realize what an honor it is to have a woman trust you not just with her heart but the heart of her most prized possession. Not a lot men realize the gift they are being given when a child falls for them and loves them with all of the love their precious hearts can harness. But thankfully some do. While I do believe I was blessed to meet such a wonderful man, a man who understood that my daughter was my first priority, a man who shared with me how much it touched him to see the love I had for her, a man who didn’t shudder from the idea of potty training, going on dates to the zoo, or not going on dates at all because of a sick little one — he too was blessed. I came with a bonus. I came with the most amazing little person and by being a part of my life, he got to be a part of hers also.
Our road to forever had a few bumps but his love for her and for us was constant. The decision to marry often takes more thought when there are other parties involved. When you say I do you aren’t just making a vow to the parent but also to their children. And while our relationship ultimately led to us becoming a family, I know this isn’t ideal for everyone. For some they see a woman or man with a child and no matter how much they might like the person, they see a child and a loss of freedom, baby mama or baby daddy drama, and a reason to move on rather than moving forward.
A recent article by Clutch Magazine explores the notion of dating someone with children and asks the question,“Is it a compromise or is it an honor?” Ask the mother or father of the child(ren) and it is likely we will tell you it is an honor. To be an active participant in the life of any child should been seen as such. But of course in any relationship there is some degree of compromise so wouldn’t that be the case in one where children are present? For more on this visit Clutch Magazine but, before you go I’d love for you to share your thoughts.
BMWK — Do you think of a man or woman with children as coming with a bonus or would you rather date someone without kids? Are you married to someone who knew a “good package deal” when he/she saw one?
Oh my goodness! Your family is absolutely beautiful! It is so refreshing to see grounded, married black families. That said, I am a single black woman with no children. I grew up in a single-parent home and realized it was important for me to marry a great man and then have kids. I am not against marrying someone with a child from a previous relationship, but it would NOT be my first choice.
Everyone is different and while some people are open to this, others are not. It is a preference. And, I sometimes find it slightly offensive when people try to paint childless people who don’t want to take on a parent and their child or children as selfish or “missing” out on a package deal. Everyone has the right to discern what is right for their own lives. And, if a person with a child or children is really honest with themselves, they will understand that the compromises a person without kids makes when hooking up with a parent is heavily weighted against them. Yes, there may be a blessing, but there’s also the daunting negatives of sacrifice, selflessness, and having an extra two or more folks in the relationship.
For example, what if a parent met a wonderful potential mate who was perfect in every single way, but that person had a debt of $500,000 that needed to be paid off in 18 years? Would the parent be considered selfish or “missing” out on a good package deal if they made the assessment that that was too much to take on? I doubt it. I think most people would consider that person as wise and honest about the sacrifice and compromise it would take to be with that person. So, likewise,.it gets really old when people put childless folks in a box and say they are missing out. It’s about preference and choice.
Thank you so much for your kind words Trixanna! I definitely don’t think marrying someone with kids is for everyone and that is ok. If anything I commend you for your honesty. I think less people (and children) would be hurt if people were open and honest about what they wanted and didn’t want from the beginning. I think the way you see it (package deal or not) will vary depending on your perspective. Obviously I might be a little biased because I was a parent 🙂 Some people would look at me having a child and see it as a negative. I felt like she made me a better person in so many ways and she was was (and is) such an amazing person so I saw it as a positive. I chose to see it that way. I appreciate you sharing your experience here. Continue to do what is best for you (also can I say that I love that you said it isn’t your first choice — so perhaps you wouldn’t be opposed to receiving a blessing that came in a different form that you expected. should that happen?) ! In the end it is your life to live so that’s what is most important!
Your article is amazing. Thank you!! I am a divorced mom of two wonderful little boys. Dating is very difficult. I recently ended a realtionship with a man I care deeply for because although he said he understood my responsibilities, in arguments the fact I have kids always came out as a negative and I couldn’t do it anymore. You give me hope that one day I will meet a man who will see my boys as a bonus not a hinderance.
Hi Kris (nice name:) thank you so much for taking the time to write that. It really means a lot. Reading comments like yours always encourage me and remind me why I have decided to share my story with others. I pray that you will be encouraged as I know it must be heard to have to end things. The right person will definitely see your boys as a bonus. They ARE a bonus! In the meantime I am sure you are making the most of the time you have with them. They grow so fast don’t they?! Take care!!
Hello Kris you are very blessed, i love reading you story and i learned alot. But looking for some insight, i am dating a really great guy for the past 4 months, he has 4 kiddos and so do i so total 8 children. I am in no way nervous, because i was raised in a large family and by a step-mother so i know what that is like being in a blended family. Wanted to know if you had any advice long term or short term on what are some thing to look out for in the future. The children have not met as yet but, will soon. How long should i wait for them to meet? Is there a time frame? Also what’s the best venue for the first meeting? We really care about each other and want a long term relationship, but want to be sure we are approaching it in the right way. Blessings to you and your family!!!