If a black man tells you he doesn’t want to date black women in 2016, don’t get offended. Why? It’s because he’s doing you a favor. He’s saving you the time you could have wasted on someone who doesn’t deserve you.

A recent episode of Iyanla Fix My Life aired, showing three black men in their 20s, 30s and 40s who had different reasons why they preferred NOT to date black women. But of all the reasons, the biggest common denominator alluded to the angry black woman syndrome (ABWS).

The episode could be perceived as divisive propaganda or as an informative look into what we as a people tend to avoid in our relationship issues. The issue was NOT their perceived grievances with black women. That main issue, as Iyanla tried to get the men to arrive to, was the self-actualization that healing needs to take place within them.

Grow up and get healed

Many men and women carry wounds from our past—whether it be emotional, psychological, physical, etc. The negative words, experiences and stereotypes we were raised to believe can truly affect our choices in partners and how we treat them in relationships.

For example, my mother, at one point, encouraged me to marry a white man for the sake of her grandchildren. But, ironically, she questioned my brother’s choices to date women who didn’t look like her.

As I grew up, I had to come to understand that the “preference push” was more than skin deep. Some of us, including perhaps my mother, may themselves have grown up facing rejection because of their blackness or African features, and that’s actually not surprising to experience even today.

So it’s possible that brothas who say they don’t prefer to date our women is because they have some unresolved issues or skewed mindsets about race and color regarding their own community.

That’s not the only reason as we see in the show’s episode. If they are not mature enough to understand where their discrimination comes from, then they’re not dateable right now anyway. But healing is so necessary in these cases because that resentment and mindset is not a healthy one to have.

It’s far different from someone who’s open to dating black women along with other groups…but to close us off altogether?

Black men with this mindset will have black daughters regardless of who they connect with, and those girls should grow up knowing that they are loved and received by their community.

Despite what the men in this episode express and perhaps what you’ve heard about black men’s preferences in your own life, the number of black men who choose to date and commit in marriage to black women was at 84 percent in 2014.

We’re in this together

So where do we go from here? It requires us to step aside of any offenses and get to the root issues that men and women may have in common. This is necessary now because we’re living in a time when our men are called “thugs” and “bad dudes” because of what they look like. We’re also living in a time where our women’s essence is being appropriated or they’re mistreated because of their appearance. It seems as if society that we share stake in doesn’t “prefer” us at all.

More than ever, we in the black community need to truly support each other and love one another. We have to take time away from technology, unplug and connect with other people to help have conversations that have warmth and depth to them. It’s not enough to have these messages in blog posts, memes and video clips; we need that tangible, eye-to-eye, in person communication that can open doors to understanding between us as a people. Let’s get to praying and speak life for inner healing and within our community.

BMWK fam, have you ever met someone who didn’t want to date or marry within their race and why?