by Eric Payne
Being Wrong Vs. Being Wrong
When my daughter and I are alone together and she does something wrong, I correct her and for the most part, she takes the correction. When I’m with my son and I need to school him on a mistake he’s made, more times than not he absorbs what I have to say, or at least he acts like he does.
But a funny thing happens when if the two of them are together. If my daughter does or says something that I need to step in to correct, one of the first things out of her mouth is what her brother did or does. Nearly 100% of the time whatever it is she’s saying he’s doing has absolutely nothing to do with what she’s done. My response to her usually sounds like this:
“We’re not talking about your brother right now. I’m talking about what you just did.”
If I have to get on my son about something he should be doing around the house, his reaction is a little different. Particularly in the kitchen where the majority of his chores exist, he throws up the shield of “Mom, didn’t do x, y, z.” Or “She left her plate on the counter.” My answer typically goes something like this:
“Okay, great, but what has that got to do with what I’m telling you to do, right now?”
Moving up the ladder to my wife, things just get straight thorny. There are times either while witnessing my wife in action or listening to her recount something that happened in her day when I will suggest that she might have said something differently, handled herself differently, or avoided a conflict by performing steps A, B, and C. And what does my wife do? She tells me what I’ve done wrong anywhere from two days ago to two years ago. In the past this would be the spark that lit the fuse for a dynamite showdown between us. We’d go to bed angry and she’d still be wrong for whatever it was she did, and then I’d be wrong right along with her. Now (as often as I can) my new and improved response goes something like this:
“Then you should’ve corrected me back then.”
Dead Wrong In My Duties
If I’m jaywalking and a car comes flying down the street toward me, I wouldn’t stand in the middle of the street debating with my wife the last time she jaywalked, or proclaim, “You ain’t my mama!” I’m still wrong for jaywalking and the longer I stand there sticking to my guns, the higher the probability I’ll soon be a dead man. As extreme as this example is, what often appears to be a minor wrongdoing and not “worth” being correct, can have the potential for catastrophic consequences.
My job as father and as husband is to lead, guide and protect — to be a covering. I would be DEAD WRONG in the execution of my duties if I didn’t speak or act when I saw any member of my family “jaywalking” in their lives. I don’t do this from a mindset that I’m never wrong. Nor should it ever be taken that because I am wrong in my own affairs I should not have a say in the lives of the ones I love. But in my own life and in overhearing the lives of others I often hear people rejecting correction by telling that other person what they’ve themselves have done wrong while in the moment of being wrong.
Correct Out of Love
When dealing with my family I correct as a father who loves his children dearly and only wants the best for and from them. I am doing it as a husband who loves his wife and wants to see her avoid as many pitfalls as possible. And I expect the same from my wife. So to build up a “bank” of wrongs your spouse has committed and then not tell them is to create a store of missed opportunities to provide love and care to the one with whom you pledged to become one. All for the sake of winning an argument, not being wrong, or being less wrong or making it clear that no one has the right to correct you? In a marriage? Of course, no one wants to hear that they are wrong. And how a tough message is delivered makes all the difference in the world. I don’t always get this right myself. Responsibility lies on both the corrector to deliver their correction in a way that can be properly received, and the offender to be of the mindset that your spouse is correcting you because he or she loves you. This is something that must be discussed thoroughly in advance of offenses so that when these moments come, and they will, both parties will recognize and accept what is happening. Then you will at least have the knowledge that will allow you the opportunity to avoid the desire to react when correction occurs. Ultimately if all involved parties dig their heels in and reject correction, it can lead to a breakdown in communication, which ultimately will create other unnecessary problems.
Correction shouldn’t be rejected. It should be expected, especially in marriage. But it should be fair and balanced. It’s not about being wrong, it’s about getting it right and getting to right.
How do you manage being wrong? Do you/how do you correct the ones you love in your home?
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), Eric talks about being a father and a husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler ““ Man, Dad, Husband. You can follow him on Twitter or find him chopping it up on his Facebook Page. He is the author the soon to be published, Bottom Line Fatherhood, and of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric writes NYC tourism articles for NYMetropolista.com and is a contributing writer for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
Dianne M Daniels says
I agree that correction should be motivated by love and a desire to help your loved one / friend / spouse / co-worker do better, but sometimes the message cannot be heard because of the delivery method. If the only thing your ‘correctee’ hears is the things they need to do better, they will begin to dread the words that come out of your mouth. When giving correction, remember always that there needs to be praise as well…
As someone who’s “love language” (from the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman) includes Words of Affirmation, correction can sometimes feel like an attack – I know that I am sensitive to words and particularly to correction, so I try to take it in the helpful spirit in which it was intended, but…since I’m not quite ‘there’ yet, it helps when the correction is done in a loving spirit.
Not saying that you DON’T do that, just adding that bit of advice for any others out there whose spouse / significant other is particularly sensitive to verbal criticism.
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
Sometimes it feels like a natural reaction to try to defend yourself instead of actually hearing and addressing a concern. That’s why so often conversations that could result in a productive outcome end up in arguments about who has done more wrong throughout the entire course of a relationship. Great post!
EPayne says
I agree. This is what the last paragraph was all about:
“Of course, no one wants to hear that they are wrong. And how a tough message is delivered makes all the difference in the world. I dont always get this right myself. Responsibility lies on both the corrector to deliver their correction in a way that can be properly received, and the offender to be of the mindset that your spouse is correcting you because he or she loves you.”
But this wasn’t about always correcting your significant other. There are no wins when that happens. This article was about how to manage being considering the source. The hope would be that due to your frequency of praise of the individual correction comes along to assist in staying the course. Doing nothing but correcting your spouse or significant other is something else entirely. And it is a problem for both parties.
Ed Jackson says
After working with people for most of my life, I’ve learned that NO ONE “wants” to be corrected. Like Aja said, the natural reaction is to defend yourself; it’s something about finding out you didn’t do something 100% right just seems to burn inside. Even constructive criticism burns (don’t get me started on constructive criticism lol)…
As a husband and father I try my best to lead discussions in a positive direction no matter how big or small the issue that needs to be corrected is…
Great post!!!
Rwilliams says
GREAT POST!!!
TCB says
This is a good post. I took a moment and thought about those times when I shared with hubby a particularly hard day or difficult situation I experienced. Most of the time he responds with some sort of advice or correction about how I should have handled it. While I appreciate this, sometimes I’m not looking for that. Sometimes I just want someone to empathize with me or just say “hey, that sucks” or just someone to listen. Or just a hug. Usually I’m able to figure out what to do better next time. I’m learning that if I’m looking for advice from hubby, I will ask. Otherwise he has the tendency to offer a solution every single time in a tone that comes across as (quit your complaining & just solve it!). So, I think our communication differences need to be balanced by us literally stating to each other what are each other’s expectations when we communicate with each other..that sounds exhausting, but I’m willing to do anything to avoid unnecessary fights.
Finally to answer the question, I swallow my pride, acknowledge that I’m wrong and move on—I find that it’s difficult for only a moment, but I feel a sense of relief afterwards. Not admitting wrongdoing takes up too much energy anyway. Also, admitting my wrong doing seems to help hubby admit any wrong doings on his part.
HarrietH says
Sometimes I get to a point where in my mind, it seems like the only time Mr. Incredible opens his mouth is to correct me. That hurts, and it gets old.
Personally, I’ve gone from one extreme to the other. At first, to avoid argument, I just didn’t say anything. Now I’m at the point where if I don’t like something, I’m letting it be known. The problem with the latter is my timing is almost 99.9% off, and it’s not received well.
I think that anyone can accept correction if it comes in the proper package. Whether we want it or not isn’t the issue…we all NEED it, and if we’re not willing to receive it, we’ll find ourselves pushing away the people who love us the most.
GREAT article!!!!!!
EPayne says
It sounds like you’re creating an atmosphere of humility for you both so you both can come clean to one another. Good for you!
EPayne says
Pride is a powerful and mostly destructive thing.
EPayne says
“That’s why so often conversations that could result in a productive outcome end up in arguments about who has done more wrong throughout the entire course of a relationship.”
This is also because we are listening with the wrong ear and waiting our turn to speak and becoming incensed that that person closest to us who is just as jacked up as we are has the audacity to open their mouths and tell you about themselves. But at the end of the day, shouldn’t it be that person who knows and loves you the most. Not constantly, of course, but when it is necessary. Because more times than not no on else will. And more times than not ignorance is not bliss, ignorance is a setup for a future disaster.
W.Reid says
Great Post E. Payne. Sometimes people take the an attempt to correct poor behavior as a personal attack, particularly those of us who do not get critiqued or corrected regularly. I’m guilty.
Naturaldarkie says
I have just completed reading the book “Men are from Mars Women are from Venus” and that book has put this article in a new perspective. Men and women think, feel, give love and receive loving gesture differently. It is noted that we are individuals first and married thereafter. I agree that we need to give love but we also need to give love as our partner would want and expect from us, so it definately means that we need to take the time to learn our partners, give praises, appreciation, accept them for who they are and where they are in their lives at the moment, trust that they will make the necessary adjustments and there is a whole lot of prayers that is needed.
Tiya says
Ooh wee, I had the biggest challenge accepting correction up until actually a few years ago. Every once in a while that feeling will steer it’s little ugly head up again and I have to fight it off. For me, I guess it was that I didn’t see it as coming from a place a love, I looked at it as I was wrong or doing something wrong. And that is a hard pill to swallow when you feel like you are doing the best you can. And another thing is that I personally didn’t correct my husband, because I didn’t want to come across as nagging or irritating. So because I didn’t do it, that would make it extra hard for me to accept it. But EPayne, I like how you break this down as to where the correction is coming from and why you do it. That makes so much sense. I have come along way, as long as the correction is out of love and not malicious and if both partners help one another this way, it can be very healthy for our marriages.