by Eric Payne
A recent Washington Post article on sex and relationships written by Ellen McCarthy argues that those who wait to have sex love longer and stronger. The article showcases a study who’s findings indicate that those couples who begin their relationships based purely on the physical (nonromantic) may not be so thrilled about that special someone over the long haul compared to those who wait “until it’s right”.
The implications here aren’t about the quality, for better or worse, of one’s sex life, but the quality of a relationship as a whole. How many times have you heard (or told yourself) that someone means “nothing”, but the more intimate you become the more involved you become until you are hopelessly, helpless romantic lovers, and maybe even husband and wife. But if you never intended to really be with that person in the first place the ability to manage conflicts, stay committed/interested or even the desire to do so can be that much harder compared to that man and woman who are truly digging each other because, well, they truly dig each other and want to be together. For this subset of the relationship population, sex is icing on the cake, not the foundation for their involvement.
The following arguments are so easy to make: “I’m not going to wait, because what if I fall in love with this person and then find out they are terrible in bed?!” or “I know I’m going to be with this person, so what difference does it make, “˜when’?” But the person making these points haven’t factored love or time into the equation, presumably because they’ve never really loved in the first place, are confusing sex with love or are being unrealistically optimistic, projecting their own wants onto someone else. For those who wait for love, they are creating the opportunity to literally “make love” with the one they love. Should things begin rocky or not as expected, they presumably will be willing to work on it — to work it out — and not allow their relationship to be destroyed in the process.
Waiting also separates the real deal from the imposters. We all wear masks that disintegrate over time. For those of you who haven’t already traveled down this road wouldn’t you want to know who you’re with for who they really are and know that you really want them and vice versa without sex coloring the issue?
This is all easier said than done, of course, but it definitely doable. Divorce and fatherless homes are at an all-time high nationwide and across all ethnic groups. You can never be sure when it comes to life and love, but it would make sense to take necessary precautions to ensure you’re with the right one before you’re stuck with the wrong one, or worse.
What do you think? Does waiting to have sex make a difference?
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), Eric talks about being a father and a husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler ““ Man, Dad, Husband. You can follow him on Twitter or find him chopping it up on his Facebook Page. He is the author the soon to be published, Bottom Line Fatherhood, and of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
Crystal says
Ok, I love this article. I have been going through this problem telling my male “friends” that I am friends with, I awaiting on that special someone I want to truly give me self too. I am not virgin, but love and commitment is for someone who is willing to give it in return. Alot of singles are in not inrelationships because from what I see they view it as drama and just want the sex and light friendship but at the end of the day if will become turmoil for the friendship as a whole! The ones that want longer lasting relationships are the wons who truly WIN in the end! Causal Sex is overated! LOVE. COMMITMENT, MATURING , SEX (is better in love), and CREATING A FUTURE WITH SOMEONE is MUCH BETTER than SINGLE any day in my book!
Ginagate says
Eh, I don’t know. Saying ‘wait and everything will work out’ is just as short-sighted and problematic as ‘do any and everything’. Truth is, having a healthy respect for yourself and the power of sex would get more people much farther in having a healthy physical relationship with any partner, no matter how permanent — or impermanent. And there is something to be said for experimentation and learning how your body (as well as your mind) works with another’s.
Sex might not be *everything* in a relationship, but when it’s lacking or both partners aren’t up to talking about it, it can become a huge problem and overshadow many of the positives in an otherwise good partnership. Many people, men in particular, have no idea how to approach sex beyond the most superficial of physical requests, and are unschooled and uninterested in the emotional and mental sides of what is the epitome of human physical intimacy. Which is sad, to say the least.
Dianne M Daniels says
I like the ‘wait’ theory…knowing a person completely takes time. I’m not saying you have to know every.single.thing about them before you become intimate, but it would be better to know who you’re waking up next to…I’m just sayin’…
We all evolve throughout out lives – the person you begin to feel love for and live your life with will grow (hopefully) and change (for the better) throughout your relationship. You’d better like / love / be attracted to who they ARE now, rather than just their physical effect on you. You can work with someone to enhance their physical prowess and you can teach each other how to fulfill your physical needs, yet if you truly don’t LIKE this person – who they are on the inside – no amount of great physical experiences will keep you together for the long haul.
Keeshab2002 says
For those of us who have experience in both (romantic/unromantic sex), I believe we can admit that romantic sex is the absolute best! For those of us that believe God’s word, and know that fornication, in His eyes is a NO- NO, I’m sure our experiences have shown us why it’s just not worth it. I believe that couples who do wait until marriage are blessed in the bedroom just for being obedient. Unfortunately, I was a hard head and can only imagine, but I truly believe it is so. All I know is how I felt when I got married and at that point I wished I’d never let another get what I wanted only my husband to have. I’ve been married 15 years now, and my husband and I still enjoy each other(although not as frequently as he’d like…LOL), but there is NOTHING COMPARABLE to the uninhibited, unashamed, fully compliant sexual relationship you have with your spouse. Once your head, heart, and souls are on the same page….THERE IS NO BETTER SEX!!!! ….My name is Keesha, and I approve this message!
Dimples_76 says
Just Fabulous. I agree with you and if more people would get away from the worldly views on sex, it would be better. My fiance and I are waiting until our wedding, although we have both seperately experienced the very reason why God says to not do it. Having learned our seperate lessons and given that part of our lives to God on our own, I agree that waiting has given us the ability to learn each other in ways that we wouldnt be able to if we were intimate with each other before the wedding night. God’s word is true.
Paul Byerly says
I agree with most of what you said, but I think sex is foundational to a lot of marriages. Thing is, it’s build on solid ground – the necessary stuff that comes before the sex. Those who fail to make solid ground before they have sex are wide open to a variety of problems.
Divine & Debt Free says
I lovvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeed this comment so much I had to post the last part on FB!! I recently got a chance to experience the “Waiting” aspect of a relationship. It only took a short time to realize that person was not right for me. Im so thankful I didn’t let my girl “V” tell me what to do because i would have been heart broken. I am sold on the idea of waiting until marriage for all the reasons you mentioned and then some. I want my marriage to be blessed and I for darn sure don’t want to be ashamed or worried about trying to get a man to say i do after i have given up the good done debbies (worksite b scott) with no commitment!
Keeshab2002 says
I truly believe that each one of my friends who desire to be married, but continue to have casual sex, are being counterproductive. They feel I’ve been married so long now, that I’ve been “out of the game” for years and I don’t understand how hard it is out there. I’m thinking, and this is just me, but…..isn’t that ALL THE MORE REASON to not do it??? What’s up with this lack of self control, grown folks?? LOL…I understand, heat and human nature as much as the next man…so I say…only go to his crib if he’s having a ‘get together’…or date in public places!!! Why do we feel that because we’re grown, it’s a ticket to do “IT” whenever our bodies want??? I just love LOVE, forgive me if I’m wrong. Thanks for replying you guys.
TMichael Martin says
I have to agree with this one…People don’t take the time to get to really know each other anymore. The world is so sexually charged that people base a whole relationship on sex. This becomes even more complicated when you didn’t really get to know the person and you end up having a child with them. Sex is always better when you are in love with the person. My advice is work on getting to know a person to build a solid foundation.
no comment says
As somebody who was celibate for 10 yrs it is def easier to tell your single friends to wait when you have a warm body lying next to you at night. I was never into causal sex and tried to wait until I got married before I had sex again but I never thought I would still be single lol In a perfect world I will continue to wait until I say I do but I am not perfect but I do believe in Gods word all the same. So we shall see. #stillholdingouthopeformrright