by Tara Pringle Jefferson
One of my good friends is engaged but without a ring. She’s freaking out because she wants to pick out a nice sized ring, but knows good and well it isn’t in their budget.
Her predicament has me thinking if it’s such a good idea for people to get married before they are financially stable. I realize by this rationale, my marriage would be a figment of my imagination as we were beyond broke when we decided to get married. But somehow we made it.
I think we made it to a place of financial stability faster than we would have if we were both single. We knew that we were working together toward a goal, and that we’d prefer to succeed together than fail together.
True, money troubles can doom many a relationship, so why start off a relationship with that roadblock already in the way? Just food for thought.
BMWK family, let us know what you think. If you’re barely making it paycheck to paycheck, should you hold off on making a commitment to someone, or is it better for broke people to get together since there are two incomes? Your thoughts…
Tara Jefferson is freelance writer living with her husband and two kids. Visit her blog, https://theyoungmommylife.com, for more of her musings on life, love and motherhood.
Anonymous says
Tara,
You ask a very good question, as well as providing some hints to the answer. The path to answering this question is to answer why the two people are broke. It is clear they are not financially able to obtain their “wants.” She wants a “big ring” that they cannot afford. What else do they want that they cannot afford? What do they need to build a happy life together?
Being broke financially can be a temporary condition if two people are not broke with respect to maturity. As you are aware, financial problems are generally symptoms of other underlying issues — out of control spending habits, incomplete education and unstable employment, unrealistic goals, unclear value priorities, trying to keep up with the Joneses, etc.
It is true that two people with clear goals and discipline can emerge from their broke condition to lead a prosperous and happy life together. Like yourself, we started our marriage “broke.” We only had our love for each other and a commitment to work together to make our lives better. When our first daughter was born, I had only $3.00 and the formula the hospital gave us to take home. I went to work “for tips” at a grocery store, to earn more money for baby formula, and used the $3.00 to buy the only flowers I could get — a few left over gladiolas. Today, 43 years later, those few long stem gladiolas serve as a reminder of how broke we were when our family began — not roses, but gladiolas.
If everyone waited until they were financially stable before marriage, fewer marriages would take place. Financial stability is easily achieved if two people aren’t “broke” in their love bank.
Roger Madison
Aja says
“We knew that we were working together toward a goal, and that wed prefer to succeed together than fail together.”
I think this is the most important thing to realize. I don’t think its about how much money you are making as much as it is your attitude toward it. My husband and I weren’t “broke” when we got married but we definitely could have been more financially stable. But if we waited for the day where our finances were completely where we wanted them to be we still wouldn’t be married yet! I think its just a matter of being completely honest about where you are, having a goal for where you want to be, and being ok with the fact that things like the big ring will have to wait until you get to that place.
The reality is that especially in today’s economy, even if you get married when you are financially stable, that could still change. I think it’s more important to know how to make it through financial challenges than to keep waiting for that situation to change. I see a lot of people in my parents and grandparents generations that got married broke and may still be kind of broke but have managed to make it through.
Ronnie says
Great question Tara. And Roger Madison responded perfectly!!!! I have always believed that two people WORKING together will achieve financial stability faster than they would separately. The key word here is WORKING.
I have known couples in longgggg term relationships that delayed getting married because one person had student loans or some other debt that they wanted to payoff. However, they were both paying separate rents and utilities and other bills that could have been consolidated after marriage. So personally, I think that some people use their financial situation as an excuse not to get married when really there was some other underlying issue with the relationship that they did not want to address.
When Lamar and I planned to get married, we made a list of our separate debts and put together a plan for paying them off. Those debts were paid off quickly…a lot faster than if we had to tackle them separately.
Harriet says
I think the key is the attitude of the heart. What would happen if people who were financially stable got married, and then came upon storms of life that can eat your bank account up? Money isn’t everything…it surely helps, and I need more of it, but truthfully a marriage can work as long as two people aren’t “broke” or impoverished in their mindsets. Money comes and goes, but if the mindset is poor, then the poverty will stay. If the mindset is goal oriented and upwardly mobile, then nothing will be able to get in a couple’s way. Not even money problems.
Anonymous says
I think this is the mistaken thought process of many African Americans. We think that you should make it before getting married and forget about the financial benefits of a dual income. The same does not always translate into other cultures who see marriage as a mode to actually becoming more financially stable. One person may live paycheck to paycheck making $30,000 a year. Doesn’t mean they have a bad spending habit but that they have not reached their optimum earning potential yet and are still working on it (especially in young adults) now partner that with another paycheck to paycheck individual who makes $30,000 a year and you have a household income of $60,000 which is more sustainable.
Political Pete says
Forwarding to my girlfriend now! lol
Pretty Abandonned Partner says
How I wish my partner will see this now. He worked so hard to make me fall in love with him, then got to know about my financial pressures, and put me down as a bad risk. Then added to that, the fact that I am too “pretty” for him, he wont like to fight other men for my attention, as if he ever had to. I love him so much, and it hurts so bad, but life goes on.
Anna says
Pretty Abandonned Partner said:
How I wish my partner will see this now. He worked so hard to make me fall in love with him, then got to know about my financial pressures, and put me down as a bad risk. Then added to that, the fact that I am too “pretty†for him, he wont like to fight other men for my attention, as if he ever had to. I love him so much, and it hurts so bad, but life goes on.
~~~~~~~~~~
This is some mindsets of some mothers to their sons: Marry the ugly or overweight girl because she will treat you like a king and not leave you. I know pretty girls with low self esteem and nasty attitudes. Hang in there and keep your head up. Mr. Right is out there we just have to quit looking for Mr. Right Now! If he thought you were a financial risk you should have sat down and made a budget. When I got married my husband chose to take on the debt it takes having a “instant family”. Our student loans we paid seperately. His was his and mine were mine. We had debt pre marriage and with marriage. There is nothing wrong with broke ppl getting married, as long as they are not being broke together on my dime. Are most of us not broke and married after years of marriage and find a way to make it work?(recession/job loss). What are our vows? “richer or poorer?”. Let everyone who wants to to be married get married. In a marriage we learn plenty about ourself from our spouse and learn to share, the good and the bad. It boggles my mind when ppl with money get married and when the money gets limited they don’t know how to be poor together(and their poor will never be my poor), but I am not running fast to a divorce lawyer. In a marriage there will be times when we have to carry the weight of our spouse and we learn more about each other and it just reinforces a marriage, if you married for love and not “status”, even the poor can have a healthy marriage, but the rich need to learn that money is just money and learn to down size and remain a family living under the same roof. I get so tired of “golddiggers” and they come in female and male forms. Marriage to me is for “better or for worse, in sickness and in health”.
Carlton says
My recommendation has always been that couples need to do two things before they get married. Number 1, which is not as relevant to this post, is to have some serious pre-marital counseling. The second is taking a course in personal finance. I have been facilitating Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University class and we have had a few engaged couples in them and it helped them tremendously.
Do I think that folks should wait until they are stable financially before walking down the isle? I think as long as they really understand why they are in the situation they are in and have got a plan to get out then they can. If both of them are not on the same page than that may be an indicator of whether they are really ready to be married at all.
busybodyk says
I love all the responses and I agree with Roger and Carlton. Since finances are the number one reason most couples argue and divorce, I don’t think broke people should get married without a plan. Its unfortunate that some couples let money stop them but money is important and if couples don’t take it seriously then their relationship will suffer because of it.
TJ says
This is an interesting post and I’m glad I found it. I tend to agree that while financial stresses can doom a marriage, that is less about the fact that the partners started off “broke” than it is about underlying attitudes, habits, educational levels and the like. My experiences seem to support the notion that two people with stable habits, reasonable discipline, and the skills and education to earn a living tend to reach financial stability more quickly than similarly positioned singles.
Particularly in the days when people routinely married at younger ages and when, especially for Blacks, educational opportunity and thus earning potential was artificially circumscribed by society, plenty of couples started off “broke.” That was probably the norm. Over the years, however, they worked as a team to build a life together and accumulate whatever they could in the way of property and money. In a healthy marriage, the two of you stand together against all challenges… even financial ones.
Some of the old-fashioned horse sense still applies today. If you and your intended are emotionally stable, educated, responsible and upwardly mobile, I say get your broke butts to the chapel or to justice of the peace. Marriage allows you to pool your resources and unless you are obsessed with keeping up with the Joneses, it will not double your living expenses, thus freeing up income for debt repayment and investment. Why spend years squandering resources in a single state if you really know you want to be together? Sit down, work out a reasonable financial plan and just do it.
I also think that psychologically, marriage provides us with a built-in sense that someone else is counting on us. This is especially true when kids are involved. For some people, this is the incentive they need to make better financial decisions. That sick pair of $500 heels or flashy sports car a single person might see as a justifiable indulgence is not even a consideration when you are accountable to a partner or have a college fund to stock. You have a plan to stick to and a purpose to fulfill so the distractions become easier to shrug off.
Finally, I do tend to agree with what another poster said about the real reasons some couples hold off on marriage waiting for financial stability. I’ve seen many cases where it really was just a convenient excuse for avoiding commitment or a cover for deeper issues. People have to make their own decisions but I do wonder if overall African Americans would benefit if more of us viewed marriage as an asset (emotionally AND financially) rather than a liability. Could marriage be viewed as a facet of a strategy of collective economics and economic growth?
SuPa MaN says
I just wanted to thank everybody who posted on this topic. I am actually planning on getting married July 10th to my fiance and it seems the whole world is against us because we are not “rich” basically. I have talked it over with my fiance numerous times and we both agree on everything! I don’t see why lack of money should stop us. Unfortunately this decision has caused our parents to stop helping us financially which doesn’t make ANY sense to me. If we were in need of help when we were single, what would make them think it would be a good idea to cut us off now when we are trying to do what’s right in God’s eyes? In fact, that is our main motivation: to please and honor God. We have been living together for over a year and we both got saved and want to change our lives completely and now we realize this is a huge step and a big commitment and requires money, but that shouldn’t be a reason we can’t get married. Plus her grandmother is doing all our catering and decorations for free and her aunt is taking all our photos. When does that EVER happen? God bless you all for the encouraging words you’ve shared!
Darkcakes says
Marriage is a blessing and gift for people whom love each other and GOD,you have to keep GOD in your life to make your marriage work.
replica designer handbags says
Love is not enough in a marriage.
Reginald says
It depends…..What is the standard being utilized to get married in the first place? What vision has that standard developed within the individuals engaged? All things are possible with God, but without Him nothing is possible. What is broke? Poor is a state of mind and broke is a temporary condition. The reality and practicality of the situation is “today’s society” says that it may not work because financially the individuals would be insecure; yet I profess that if the focus of the individuals shift from finance to Jesus; then it can work. It’s sad how values have shifted over the last 50-60 years, and African Americans have abandoned the family values that were past down (divorce is at an all time high). Our family structures used to be triumphant and strong because we got in the trenches with one another and everyone’s role within the family structure was identifiable. Today, there is sooo much independence and not enough dependence! My wife and I married when I didn’t have a job, yet was attaining higher education and she was employed. She stuck by me when I had a piece of job and lost my job for several months, yet we perserverd. We had our struggles; yet never have I seen the righteous forsaken nor their seed begging bread. Heck we have our struggles now, but because she struggled with me; I have a trust, a loyalty, and faith in her that couldn’t be attained unless we went through the same process again. Too many couples are willing to give up on the process! Financially sound people get divorced too. If you plan on getting married, no matter what the financial state is, put the other before yourself and what seems big will seem really small.
Be blessed; most importantly be a blessing,
Reginald
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Michelle says
Excellent post. I’m back in school with student loan debt from the first degree plus accumulating student loan debt for a nursing degree. Going back to school for nursing will hopefully improve my situation since I lost my job in corporate america.
If I waited until out of debt to get married I might miss out on the person in front of me. We want kids and due to my advanced age, I could miss out on that too if I wait. At least the loans don’t kick in until I graduate and my research showed me that a nursing career will pay more than my previous job.