Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I have been saved and walking with the Lord for about three years now. Last year, I was blessed with the opportunity to begin my career in another state. There was a man at my church home who I was attracted to; however he never approached me or expressed interest in me. Because I was leaving, I decided to pursue a casual sexual relationship with him. I knew this was outside of God’s will and I struggled with it for sometime. I prayed and asked God to cover me, then I sent him my number on Facebook.
He contacted me later that evening and expressed that he had been admiring me for quite some time. He said he had been praying, asking God for a relationship with me and that he was only interested in pursuing a Godly relationship with me. I was amazed, God had answered my prayer! The only problem…he did not have a job; in fact, he was homeless. Given the amazing circumstances, I overlooked that and was open to a friendship with him.
Almost a year later, he is my best friend, even though we are miles apart. For the most part, he is everything I want in a husband and we are discussing marriage.The only hang-up for me is his financial/living situation has not changed. He is pursuing a career in ministry but when I try to get an understanding of his goals and plans he gets defensive. He says his goal is to work in ministry and God will provide a job when the time is right. He says a job is not important to him, but serving God is. I can see his dedication in studying and learning the Word but I still wonder, am I wasting my time? How can I get a better understanding of his goals/plans without him getting defensive? Or has he already told me what I need to know? Should I Marry a God-fearing Man Who Is Financially Unstable?
Lost in Love
Dear Lost in Love,
Your dilemma is one that millions of successful women are facing on a regular basis these days. As we navigate through the 21st Century, discussions about money and men continue to remain on the forefront. The belief that the man should be the financial provider is deeply rooted in the psyche of most Christians. I Timothy 5:8 states that the husband is required to provide for his household financially. Given this, many people believe that men are responsible for working and building a prosperous household based on financially stability. I agree with this partially.
I agree that a man is responsible for leading his household. However, I do not agree that his worth should be measured in terms of his economic or financial value. A man who leads his household with wisdom from a Godly perspective, assists with childrearing and nurtures his wife’s needs and passions, should be viewed as a great provider and good husband. In response to your question, here are three suggestions.
1) Examine your belief system and decide what kind of work is important to you. This is critical. I am a believer in miracles and have faith in God, but I am also a believer in working. James 2:14-26 states that “Faith without Works is Dead”. Most Christians believe that this scripture is referring to working to earn money in order to survive and thrive. You will hear individuals say that you have to work in order to get want you need and want. You will also hear them say that praying is no good if action is not taken. In actuality this scripture is referring to living a lifestyle that reflects your faith in God and the ability to live a lifestyle that reflects God’s teachings.
In order to live a certain lifestyle, especially a Godly lifestyle, you have to transform which requires work. Some people believe that if they work diligently serving God, they will get what they need and want. It appears that your friend believes that working for God is more important than working for money and material things. It also appears that he believes that a man’s obedience to God is the best work that he can do.
The bible teaches that, “A man that finds a wife finds a good thing.” He should be able to support that “good thing”. The bible also teaches, “if a man doesn’t work, he doesn’t eat.” Be careful.
This women needs a well rounded balanced man, sounds like he’s a lazy MF using God as a reason not to work! He wants to be the next preacher pimp! Run Run>>>>love don’t pay the bills!!
Girl don’t do it! This man is not even looking for a job! A lot of lazy men go to church, buy a suit and act holy, so they can get a woman to take care of them! If he was really a man of God he would get a job, or make a job, he has already disrespected and dis honoured you by trying to be with you, and have no plans of helping you! And other men always help other men they want you to get in their and take care of this grown, lazy, man! Dont do it!!
Money is important for daily living, however all material things are temporary. We all want to live comfortably and not have to struggle. GOD says throw your burdens on HIM, don’t be anxious about tomorrow. Speaking from experience having faith can be very hard when we want something right then, not having the patience to wait on GOD. A man who who has chosen to serve GOD and decided that GOD is more important than things of this world, to me, is a keeper. Finding a man who places his faith in GOD knowing HE will provide what is needed at the right time is man who can lead his household. You should not base love on material things. If a man loves GOD and is showing he loves GOD in his actions not just words, Is a man who will love you. Because see he has to love GOD first and foremost. Have faith and believe that GOD will provide for you both. What is the saying, GOD is always on time, how true this is. Love can be everlasting with GOD as the captain, THINGS of this world are all temporary. No one knows what the future holds as far as a job, money, cars, a place to live. You can only live in the moment. I would prefer a godly man any day!!! CHRIST, HUSBAND, WIFE
He is not the one he needs a job also something is wrong with his thinking.
Before God gave man a woman , he gave him a place to live, a by, then the woman! God, self, then others! That’s the order of the day.
A place to live, a job, then he gave him a woman
E. Reaves says
Hi , let him get as defensive as he wants…as his future wife , u have the Right to question him about Realistic Goals for the future that will eventually effect you both . If that pisses him off , then leave it as a Booty Call & keep it moving. That’s how it started anyway , right ?
When someone shows you who they are, believe them! More importantly, when God tells you something, believe HIM! You asked God for direction; now you have to listen, and be willing, to accept what direction He sends you in. It would appear that He has given you the answer, and that answer is not this guy! The fact that you seem to still be uneasy about this man is proof positive. You would not be uneasy about this man if he was God’s answer to your prayers (no pun intended).
You cannot use God’s ministry as an excuse not to get a job! Faith without works is dead! Am I saying that all ministers should be employed outside of the church? Absolutely not! Each ministry (and minister) is different. Nonetheless, this individual is using his ministry as an excuse not to get a job; translation, he is LAZY! It sounds almost as though he is using the ministry as a hustle; whether non-intentional or intentional.
I learned something very important from a mentor; “start things the way you want to finish them”! Don’t start off settling for something you are already unhappy with simply to say you’re married. Eventually, it will make you resent him when in fact, you should probably be mad at yourself because he is just what you accepted and settled for from the start! Be honest with yourself! It’s ok to say you want someone who is willing to contribute more financially than this man is. It’s ok to make yourself a priority. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It also doesn’t mean you won’t “hold him down” in the good and not-so-good times, or that he has to make more money than you. It just means you are not accepting his laziness! There is a reason the scripture mentions being “equally yoked”!
Be encouraged my sister! You deserve better than mediocrity!
Tina B says
His evasiveness concerns me. That is a character issue. Never mind the job situation…. Who wants a husband who is not transparent and does not want to talk about what is important to you? He does not love you as Christ loves the church. He is not the one Sister, keep seeking the kingdom and His righteous and your Godly Husband will be added unto you!
Oh please… Run. When God sends the right man you will know. You won’t doubt it. Perfect love casts out fear. Pray and be really….patient!
I am presently in such a marriage. My husband is Godfearing but believes that he cannot take a step unless God asked him to. This is 4 and a half years after our wedding and he still is the same. Meanwhile, financial responsibilities are increasing. Unless you are sure he is God’s will for you, my advice is that you quit the relationship, especially since you are already expressing concerns about it.
Everyone seems to be missing a major “confession” on her part. She went looking for a casual sexual relationship!! The fact that she is walking right into this trap is on her. What Godly woman is willi g to be someone’s bed pal?? Oh and don’t misunderstand my ability to recognize this because I speak from experience. Neither of them is really ready for marriage and to do so will be disastrous!! She is either lonely, horny or both and tired of waiting on God to reveal His mate for her. Be careful young lady… lust is a sin that can have deadly consequences. My unemployed, “man of God” came with MUCH baggage! Even after I realized my mistake, I tried to justify it and lived the worst year of my life married to a controlling, abusive, unemployed, hustling, and very angry young man. REPENT and WAIT!!!