by Ayanna Black
You would think that I’d lost my hearing as long as it took me to respond to the pastor after he said “will you obey”...” Honestly, I didn’t mean to pause that long but for that split second I had to think about what I was agreeing too. At that moment I was thinking, do I have to do what he says? Is he going to make the right decision for me to obey? Who gone check me boo, not you!? Every defiant thought I could have thought of came to mind. So after pondering all those things and nearly having a heart attack on my wedding day, I came to the conclusion that it was okay. It was okay because I felt the intentions of my husband to be were pure and not to control me. I took my vows to mean that I would allow my husband to make the final decision and trust that he’s prayed about it and is led by God. It didn’t mean to me I’d have to submit to him as if I was a child but to allow him to lead as the head of the house. Because most women today are very strong willed it becomes a serious challenge to fathom the thought of having to obey someone. However, there are other ways to think of it:
Ladies
Allowing your mate to make the final decision on something doesn’t make you weak. You are just allowing him to exercise his Godly ordained duty as the man of the house. Again because this is very hard for some of us including me, to help ease the transition I strongly suggest things. This way I know my opinion was heard and we seem to always come to a happy medium. I know I wear my husband out sometimes! lol
Men
Don’t abuse this vow. Be careful not to use this as a way to control your spouse or to just have your way all the time. Women don’t like to feel as if we are being controlled or treated as children. 9 times out of 10 your spouse is going to support whatever decision you make because they love you and want to be on one accord. So just make sure that you’ve thought it out careful and most of all prayed for direction.
So for me obey was awkward but I got through it and I’m glad I said it.
What do you take obey to mean in wedding vows? Would you have obey taken out of your vows?
Ayanna is a married mom of busy triplets in Chicago. She’s a freelance parenting/marriage and technology blogger. Ayanna is also the proud owner of ABlackWebDesign.com and MommyMultiple.com
If theres some sort of balance beteween whats presented to both parties, I guess its fine. I didn’t have a traditional wedding so I’m curious … What was said to the man instead of “will you obey”? Was there mention of “will you lead” or reference to the potential abuse that you mention?
If theres some sort of balance beteween whats presented to both parties, I guess its fine. I didn’t have a traditional wedding so I’m curious … What was said to the man instead of “will you obey”? Was there mention of “will you lead” or reference to the potential abuse that you mention?
I wouldn’t have obey taken out of my vows. I do think it’s the way God intended it to be and as you said, just because you obey doesn’t make you weak. I do think the man has the same responsibility/obligation to obey as well. It’s just a matter of respect. IMO.
Even though on most issues I’m willing to defer to my husband, yet WE still had “obey” removed from our vows. I guess it’s that little bit of feminist in me that is put off by “obey” ONLY being in the woman’s vows. There shouldn’t be a need to “obey” if both participants in a marriage have mutual respect for one another. And also if each partner is making the good choices.
Ayanna, I love that you also included tips for the husbands on how not to abuse that part of the vow. Great article!
‘WILL YOU LEAD?’..beautifully stated!!
Great Article Ayanna….I agree with your viewpoint too. As long as your husband is being led by GOD and as long as he is being responsible and accountable for his actions as leader, then obeying or submitting to your husband will not be difficult.
I take “obey” to mean maintaining my voice and opinion in our marriage, but knowing when to follow the “YIELD” sign when it comes to disagreements. Although at times that has been very conditional for me (if he is being controlling and refuses to allow me to voice my opinion, then I take issue with that), it has also been a source of much conflict resolution. We seek out win-win solutions most times.
BUT I make it known during the YIELD times that he is the leader, and while the responsibility for the success or failure of a venture rests solely upon his shoulders, the effects of that venture will touch all of us as a family.
Its taken from the book of Ephesians. The passage about how a husband is to love and care for his wife is actually longer and more in-depth than the passage concerning how a wife is to respect her husband. This indicates the role of husband is not to be taken lightly and involves a lot of responsibility. I believe the general idea is that the woman should submit to the husband’s direction as she would submit to God. And the husband is to take direction from God. So its actually God who is doing the leading. The idea being that God will lead you both in the best direction. However, if a woman has trouble taking direction, is a control freak, or anything of the ilk, then she might be better suited for a role other than wife.
Outside of a religious context, there does not seem adequate justification for having ‘Obey” in wedding vows, or at least not in a one-sided manner. We wrote our own vows, so this was not an issue. (we are not religious)
Some folks may want to check out the book “Love and Respect” https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876 Talks about the biblical vantage point on relationship dynamics. My Christian friends have highly recommended it.
submission 101, if you had to think of the word “obey” then you weren’t ready for the trials and tribulations of marriage.
If you have to remind a man to not “abuse” his “power” then he’snot ready for marriage neither. to submit to your husband (if you’re christian) isn’t such a battle, but to understand the word itself, the man is to be head of the household, and if you can’t trust his lead, then you shouldn’t be married. Interesting persepctive.
I see you drank the kool-aid… this is all patriarchal nonsense of “allowing a husband to lead” BOOOOO… I believe in a partnership where both partners will take the lead depending on a situation. A penis doesn’t make someone equipped to lead on every decision. And neither does a a vagina. Women have programmed themselves to believe that they will be happy giving the responsibility over to a man… foolishness!! Love, marriage or not… I still have a brain that functions just as well a man’s!
I had the exact experience. My FIRST marriage a few days before I turned 47, marrying my best friend, an Elder, and the officiate, the Bishop who knows me VERY WELL dropped that in the vows deliberately in front of HUNDREDS of people, and I paused…They gasped, giggled, laughed, because people that know me wondered if I would say it. It was surreal. But knowing my now husband, he would never have me “obey” in an area that God Himself would not want me to obey. It has little to do with sex, it has to do with keeping a balance of authority in the home, and if you can trust your mate to make decisions with both of your best interests in mind, so be it. If not, we WILL have a discussion, or “intense fellowship” over the issue and come to a compromise. I didn’t step into my marriage immature, needy, or stupid, and he knows the kind of woman he was marrying. NOW outside of a CHRISTIAN marriage, I would never agree to obey my husband.
i didnt agree with the “obey” part at first. that is until i began thinking about what the opposite of obey is. some antonyms for obey are: to defy; rebel against. as i began to ponder on this i realized that this part of the vows is not derrogatory but a help. who wants a relationship of any kind with someone who is defiant or rebellious? who can find happiness in a constant bumping of heads? as i became more open minded i saw the truth in this. a wife can “obey” her husband by saying ” I do not agree with your decision but i respect it and i support you”. many people are so involved with themselves and what they want and this does not make a happy union of any kind. if you spend your time seeking the happiness of your partner you dont have to worry about “obeying” him because you will already have the same thinking. a marriage is not a business arrangement to be a partnership. it is a joining of two souls who should be devoted to the success of that union. so many couples get divorced because things didnt go their way but marriage isn’t about independence and individuality. anyone who is stuck on the whole independent attitude really needs to consider just dating because marriage isn’t for you.
I like that…will you lead!
Thanks for the insight. I do agree that God would be doing the leading. I’m not sure if it means the woman is not suited to be a wife but maybe just not ready.
Agreed.
Obey is really a strong word and can really take you aback for a moment.
Thanks Ronnie!
Thanks Tiya!
Right Harriet. That’s when I think the husband really begins to evaluate a situation closely. He never wants fault to be found with his decision.
Yes, your vows really depend on why your overall beliefs are whether you’re religious or not. I know couple that are religious that have written their own vows to avoid the word obey.
I actually knew and understood all of that but at that moment when it was said to me it just shocked me lol
I would agree that just because you’re a man it doesn’t mean you automatically lead. You have to know what you’re doing and be able lead responsibly. So you’re right that is when common sense kicks in. Thanks Alciniaf!
I see where you’re coming from. It really depends on the type of relationship you and your mate have.
Nice perspective Hunni!
The passage about “obeying” my husband wasn’t in our vows. We reviewed it with our officiant and neither my husband or I thought it appropriate for us. We obeyed our parents as children and we obey God’s will as adults. My husband and I entered into a marriage where we are equal partners…in some things I lead, in others my husband does; therefore if we were going to have the obey passage in our vows we would both would have said it. I did suggest that jokingly and the minister insisted that wasnt “the way it works” so we did the right thing for us and chose vows that didn’t have the passage in them.
True LA. You definitely have to do what’s best for your relationship.
True LA. You definitely have to do what’s best for your relationship.
I think the word obey is archaic. It was not in our vows. However, the intention to establish the husband as the head is necessary. A woman is to submit to her husband as she would to God and a man is to love and honor his bride as Jesus did to the church. Being a leader doesn’t mean you make all the decision. It means you excercise judgement about who the best person is for the job that needs to be done. Sometimes that will be the husband and sometimes that will be the wife. it is a partnership. A good leader understands this and a good partner leads and follows as appropriate.
Thanks you just made it as plain as day!
I personally have never given this much thought unti reading this. I am not married yet but when that time comes it wouldn’t be a problem to say “yes’ I promise to obey”. It’s really a matter of prefrence. Long as each person knows their God given role as husband and wife, whether the word obey is used or not is a matter of prefernce.
I had the EXACT SAME REACTION – but my pastor knows me well, and I waited until I was almost 47 to marry an Elder. The crowd gasped! There was a pause, and I did the same thing you did – I looked, really looked at him. I have it on video. It was a moment that I nor anyone else will ever forget and it made for a lot of conversation. I could go on and on, but I figured at that moment, as long as you continue to follow God, I could obey. Will you lead? GREAT follow up question – it should be in the vows.
Are you still married…. happily ?
My ex wife pulled this and if I knew now what I knew then I would have not have married her?
You see the Bible is or final authority in all matters of faith and practice (something I didn’t know then!)and my wife was a professing Christian, however, she was rebellious toward God 1st, proverbs 22:6 we all use as a raise you child in church for the promise, what I did not know was God’s promise will be God’s promise whether we stand on it or not !
My wife was rebellious in the sense she did not respect God to be God and as such she wanted to do it her way and marriage is not about us !
marriage is a picture of the relationship of Christ and HIS Church, and since we are Commanded by God to be in a certain position and marriage is NOT to be taken lightly for it is Holy, is the sense that all three Persons of the Godhead are present just like at Baptism.
but I cannot Blame her, This is my doing and I have to take all the blame.
So my thoughts are if my wife is not going to walk with God as an oxidant servant, She will not be married !