Yet another great topic of conversation has been sparked by a visit to the beauty shop. I always love the variety of opinions that stem from these talks. The latest: having rules in relationships. I was informed that establishing a set of laws was necessary to having a healthy relationship. It prevents people from doing whatever they wanted. I learned this from women who have very strict rules when it comes to their mates. I guess all relationships have rules to a certain degree; some are more than likely just an understanding, while some, the ones I heard during this visit are clearly communicated and enforced.
The majority of women partaking in the conversation agreed to the idea of rules, but the actual rules themselves varied. In fact thinking of my own marriage, I remember setting just one rule for my husband in the beginning: “Don’t ever let the sun beat you home.” Now, due to the level of respect we have for one another there are situations that just will not happen. We are beyond having conversations that say, “Don’t do this,” and “Don’t do that.” Fortunately, doing the right thing just comes naturally for us. It seems others aren’t as lucky.
Here is the interesting list of rules revealed:
1. Cell phones should be turned off by 9:30 p.m.
2. No walking away when you receive a phone call because all calls should be received in front of your partner.
3. No staying out past midnight.
4. Don’t allow single friends to come to your house and be around your mate.
5. Parents of each spouse must stay out of the relationship.
6. All arguments and disagreements are to be had in the privacy of the home.
7. A couple must put on a front when they are upset and around other people.
8. There shouldn’t be any friends of the opposite sex period.
As you can imagine the conversation became quite interesting. I understand the idea of rules and setting boundaries. However, a few on this list took me by surprise. For example, not allowing single friends to spend time in your home. I would not have friends in my circle that I don’t trust and I definitely would not be involved with someone I couldn’t bring my friends around. The other rule of not having friends of the opposite sex stumps me. Before the relationship there were friendships. Is it fair to ask our spouse to get rid of certain friends because of our own insecurities? Staying out too late and keeping outside forces, including parents, out of the marriage, I understand. But what does having too many rules say about your partnership? I wonder if it is necessary to have so many if the right two people are together. What are the consequences of rules? Who is the enforcer? At what point in the relationship are they created? Can any of the rules be bent depending on circumstances?
I find that rules speak a lot about the person making them. In a committed relationship there wouldn’t really need to be many at all. Out of love and respect your spouse would be consistent in doing what makes you happy and there would be a clear understanding of what that is without it being made into a rule.
Do you have rules for your relationship in the vein of what was discussed above? How has it hurt/helped your relationship?
I don’t know if we set rules…but we talk through scenarios to know where each other stands. We have mutual respect for each other and follow the golden rule….. we try to treat each other the way we want to be treated.
Regarding the list above…we don’t have most of those rules because we trust each other. If he has to step out for a call..its because it is too loud with our kids…I don’t mind. If he is out late…it is probably because he needs to be out. So I guess we have we just respect each other in those areas.
I guess there is a code of conduct that we should follow as married couples. But I am not setting a rule like you can’t stay out past midnight or you can’t have single friends. My husbands single friends are really nice.
We take each scenario as they come and we do what feels right and what’s in the best interest of the marriage.
I like that response Ronnie. My question is this… let’s say your spouse tells you he is coming home at a certain time, does not show and when you call does not answer FOR HOURS and does this repeatedly. You casually ask what happened and you get the blank stare and the behavior becomes repetitive. How would you handle that?
I like that response Ronnie. My question is this… let’s say your spouse tells you he is coming home at a certain time, does not show and when you call does not answer FOR HOURS and does this repeatedly. You casually ask what happened and you get the blank stare and the behavior becomes repetitive. How would you handle that?
One rule that I have found to be very helpful recently… My husband likes to get on the computer late a night when everyone is asleep in the house. So when I had enough of the late night computer time. I made a rule that no one is to be online after 11:00 PM everyday. This is our family computer, and whatever need to be completed online can be done during normal hours. I hate to treat him like a child, but he have done some things online that is against our marriage.
Rules are for school children. Rules are good for group think and crowd control. Grown ups should have values and principles that guide their conduct and shape their character. I just returned from Disney World with our grandchildren. Rules for parking, ticket purchases, standing in line, controlling who rides what attractions, etc., are necessary for crowd control. They result in an enjoyable experience in a controlled environment for lots of people. In an adult, mature relationship, the participants need to be able to think and make decisions based on living in a complex and changing environment. Rules only set the stage for constant violations, negotiations about “exceptions to the rules”, and disagreement about how to enforce the rules.
A relationship based on a mutually agreed upon core values and principles can endure the challenges of life without the rigid reward and punishment scenarios that rules impose.
If we lived in a perfect world, rules would not be necessary. For people who need them, don’t feel bad about it. Do what you have to do to keep your marriage strong. For those who don’t need rules, God has truly blessed you. It’s your job to “go back” and teach the others how to choose well and avoid trouble.
I think the only rule I saw that gave me pause was the one regarding single friends. If anything, I’d rather the single friends come to our home rather than the opposite but this is because of my relationship and our status. When you’re established in your marriage rules such as these probably aren’t necessary, but I think it’s very important to let it be known what your expectations are (on both sides) early on. Rules, like most things in relationships, should be based on the individuals and not generalized because no two unions are the same. I know that I want to set a certain tone for our relationship early on so we have less problems in the future. Like, the coming home before midnight rule- to me it makes sense. I have brother-in-laws, and even my own husband, have tended to take advantage of not having an appropriate time to be back home. No man should be out with his friends past 1 maybe even 2 on the weekends, and unless work related, he should be home between 7-10 during the week. A man cannot be gone all hours of the night with a wife and kids at home, and that ties into the single friend area because single men live in a different world. They don’t answer to anyone but themselves and this tends to cause problems if the husband doesn’t know how to say no aka prioritize. I don’t mind single friends, but the spouse in question must have some sense in order to deal with the “dynamics” of that relationship. Oh, and no opposite sex friends. If they were nonsexual friends before the relationship then ok, but even then, I’d rather not have that issue in our marriage and that goes for both of us. Opposite sex friends bother me because you never know their true intentions and besides, I don’t want another woman knowing our business the same way I’d assume he wouldn’t want another man knowing his.
I think that in a perfect world with perfect people it may not be necessary to have ‘rules’ in our relationships whether we are talking marriage or something else, however we don’t live there. I have found that in having conversations with my husband that ‘rules’ help him to understand concepts, principles and values that were not a part of his life or experience and they allow him to know what to do or not do or what is appropriate in certain situations. He has no examples of marriage or even long term romantic relationships to look at so he has openly admitted that he needs help from myself and others to understand the boudaries that most other people seem to think ae common sense. We do what works for our relationship because we are not trying to attain someone else’s definition of healthy we are trying to maintain and grow our healthy relationship at a healthy pace that allows for both of our flaws.
I personally believe that to impose “rules” speak to the lack of communication, trust, and maturity of a relationship. As a committed partner, some things are just a no-no, not because THEY said so, just because you love them and know right from wrong and inappropriate behavior. All roads lead back to character, morals, and values. I find the golden rule is best…..”treat people the way YOU want to be treated”…(I know, I know…common sense isn’t that common)…
So true. I feel there should be Respect from both side’s. Rules to me is another form of Controlment . Wanting things to go your way Couse of Insecurity. So they can feel secured in their relationship.
No rules here! My hubby is not a child and neither am I. We have a Great marriage with equal respect for one another. If something makes him uncomfortable or myself, we simply want do it. To me it all centers on trust. Even if I decided to hang with the girls up unto 3 o’clock in the morning, he would trust me to do that. I have a phone in which he can call anytime, to make sure I’m safe. But, trust is not an issue. I guess we are blessed in that area. Rules are a no no for me, but discussions are always welcomed! If he doesn’t like something let’s discuss it and make it better.
Rules sound like being one’s parent, which isn’t what I want our relationship to be about. However, when one acts like a child, and doesn’t listen to your request, rules sound good. My husband has a bad habit of eating in the bed, and it became so irritating, I simply told him “no more eating in the bed”. When I came to this conclusion, in my mind, it was a rule, but I’m not his mother, and there’s no particular consequences. I just ask that he respect my wishes, as I respect him.
The single friends and friends of the opposite sex thing sounds more of an insecurity issue. You should be able to trust your spouse. Isolating them from the opposite sex isn’t going to do anything but cause issues and possibly resentment. You can shield them from the rest of the world. That’s not only impossible, it’s selfish too.
I like the rule of not letting the sun beat you home. I think it’s all about respect. Relationships should have love, trust, and respect, bottom line.
I absolutely think rules are necessary…especially for the woman.
Here are a few:
– There will be absolutely no random conversations while I’m enjoying a NBA or NFL game on the tube. Before beginning any discussions, ask yourself: Can this wait for 4 hours.
– If you decide to spend time with me while I’m watching said sporting events, inappropriate questions about a players appearance will not be tolerated. Questions like “why does he wear his socks over his knees” and “do you think his head is too big for his body”, will be frowned upon and not answered and ejection from the immediate vicinity is a likely outcome.
– Some questions are encouraged while I’m watching these events. Some examples are: “Can I bring you something to drink”, “Are you hungry”, “Would you like the kids and I to spend the day at my mom’s house while you enjoy the game”.
These are the essential rules to a peaceful marriage.
I don’t believe in rules but thier is an unspoken law of respect that we follow. We are very aware and communicate what respect is to us as individuals so why not have that dame respect for each other and the relationship! Some of these rules are flat out over doing it but you are correct in saying that if two people are “right” for each other then why such a bizarre list of rules.
Many people will say communication is the most important attribute to a relationship but I believe its trust. In situations like these, I need to trust that you have heard, accepted and mutually believe in my ideas of respect so you will not intentionally do anything that disrespects me, our family, our home and ultimately this life that we have built with one another.
Rules can easily be manipulated and as a woman the only male child I want to set rules for are ny children.
I had a close girlfriend married with children. I trusted her in my home and she had an affair with my husband and they got married. That is why I understand the rule about no single friends in my house. If you are traumatized by an event, like an affair, it makes sense that someone would have that rule. They fear that it will happen to them. I think it is so important to understand why they made that rule. Thank you for allowing me to post this.
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