Marriage can be a source of immeasurable joy or pain, sometimes both. A marriage not only impacts the two principal players””the husband and wife and their children, but creates a ripple effect out across everyone they know and care about, for better or worse. Psychologists, counseslors, drug companies and in some truly unfortunate cases, police officers and detectives are in business partly due marital dysfunction and strife. When things do go wrong and stay wrong between spouses, oftentimes people both inside and outside the marriage look to the causes. Many argue it’s a matter of being equally yoked. But does it really matter?
Here are two real-world opinions on the subject:
Shelly I. says, “I don’t believe so at all. My husband and I are proof. I still don’t know if I truly believe in God because of my upbringing. I found that when we put ‘religion’ in our marriage it was harder and more stressful.”
Stefanie C. states, “I believe equally yolked is more about spiritual relationship with God than actual religion. my husband an I have had different upbringings in the church, but we have a similar depth of relationship with God; especially since we have both dealt with prolonged unemployment and financial insecurity. If we haven’t been equally yolked then those stresses would have broken our marriage.”
Personally, I used to rise and puff up against the notion that you had to be equally yoked. I thought it was an outrageously judgmental stance to take with someone you were actually in love with. Besides, love is stronger than any disagreements on religious ideology. Besides, who would want to be “yoked” to anything? Oxen are yoked, not people. Although passionate, I was a bit off-base in my understanding of what being equally yoked actually meant.
Being equally yoked:
- isn’t about “religion” (“Religion” has been at the center of most human tragedies, atrocities and occupations of other’s nations).
- isn’t about going to church every Sunday or even together though the latter would be nice.
- isn’t about preaching the gospel to one another or using it to tear each other apart during disagreements.
As a result of my experiences this is some of what I’ve learned:
- It is easier to love than to hate.
- I do my best to treat everyone as I expect to be treated.
- I’m quick to listen and slow to anger.
- It makes more sense to be flexible and work with life rather than against it.
I’d be lying if my faith/spirituality didn’t play a major role in shaping my beliefs and how I react to others. In all or at least most of my doing I do it for the well being of others and the glorification of God so that should anyone ask why I seem to have my act together I can share what a mess my life has been and how through faith I’ve overcome it all and continue to do so. My beliefs help me engage the people and the world outside of me. My application of the “laws” and teachings of the Bible have kept my family safe and have emboldened me to do and experience things I never imagined were even possible. They serve as my “playbook.” Having a partner who reads and acts by the same playbook is not only advantageous, but it makes life that much sweeter. You’re a team united. Think of it this way: if a husband’s and wife’s sole responsibility was to pass laws but one was a Republican and the other a Democrat, nothing would ever get done, especially in this day and age. If only being married and raising children were as easy as being a politician with an agenda…but it isn’t.
Working cohesively together is entirely possible without being of the same faith. But it is extremely difficult if the individuals involved disagree on how to handle/navigate situations, or worse, one or both dispute the other’s beliefs.
Fortunately, I am not the only one of this opinion.
Carlton M., a married man, states, “Having a common foundation provides stability to any structure. Your marriage is the same way. Not having one usually only works when you are not really following your faith. There are some things that become non-negotiable when you decide to make your religious faith your foundation.”
Omeshia J. says, “As with anything in marriage, when a husband and wife walk in agreement (i.e., finances, children, everyday things) their marriage is seamless. Relationship and not religion is so key…
And What About Religion?
One of the main reasons the subject of being equally yoked is so hot is because of that four letter word, LOVE. What happens if you find out your in love with someone and you’re not equally yoked? Then what? I’m not suggesting you abandon your relationship and find someone you’re not attracted to who prays a lot. If this is a subject that matters to you or your partner don’t be afraid of it. Face it head on. This why premarital classes and single’s ministries exist. Not to destroy relationships but to strengthen them as much as possible before you take that walk down the aisle. Or at least they should be.
Understand that no amount of religion matters if neither husband nor wife are applying it’s teachings in their own lives and then holding it against their partner that they aren’t “churched up.” At best this is the definition hypocrisy and an ill-fated social experiment.
What do you think BMWK? Does being equally yoked matter when walking down the aisle? Does it matter in the long run through better or worse?
I would say, it is the only thing that matters. It is the common ground of which a couple functions. We are all, guided by our faith. Even those that don’t have faith are guided by the fact that they don’t have faith. And we all act accordingly to our faith perspective. As you said, oxen are yoked – it is what keeps them side by side. Take that analogy an important step further, I once read that 1 ox can pull 2,000 pounds but 2 oxen yoked together can pull 10,000 pounds. If you apply that analogy being yoked – tied to similar perspectives – you multiply what your relationship can accomplish. Conversely, if not yoked, no body is getting anything done.
Great article Eric…and I love your response Edward…and your analogy to 2 oxen being able to pull 10,000 pounds together!!! I also bet if you put two oxen together that are working against each other..that they will not even be able to carry the 2000 pounds very well.
This is an excellent analysis. This statement really boils down to value systems. What the author described is how he views the world and what’s important to him. Marrying somebody who doesn’t share those views complicates a relationship and makes obtaining and maintaining the peace in it even harder.
Before deciphering what it means to be unequally yoked, we must first try to understand the origin of this scripture. As such, it is necessary to know what the biblical context of this scripture means. In 2 Corinthians 6:14 it states:
14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship is there between light and darkness? 15 What agreement does Christ have with Belial? Or what does a believer share with an unbeliever? …
By saying that we should not be unequally yoked, it was Gods way of protecting us from the problems and hurt that arise in relationships with persons who are of different religions and beliefs. A person who is of a different religion than yourself often times means that they have different values from you. This complexity is magnified when the married couple then decides to start a family and bring children into the mix because it may cause difficulty in child rearing. When the parents are not on one accord, they may teach different values to their children that may conflict and cause confusion. While this may not happen in all cases, in some cases it will and as the Bible says, “A house divided against itself will not standâ€.
Again, this scripture that speaks about being unequally yoked applies to and is only relevant to those who are believers of the Christian faith who choose to live their lives in accordance to what the bible says. As such, Christian marriages that are based on biblical principles do not follow after worldly ideologies that are not reflective, and often times conflict with the morals and standards that are written in the Bible.
Great piece E!
I think a person who values their relationship w/God above all else will instinctively know the answer to this question. I said “relationship w/God”, not church attendance, not “I was raised in the church”, not “I’m spiritual/religious”, and not “God knows my heart”. Jesus said we show our love for Him through obedience and this should be our (Christ-followers) standard in dating. That said, I wouldn’t even entertain the thought of a relationship with someone if they weren’t serious about their walk w/Christ. It would indicate a lack of faith on my part and reveal where my heart truly lies (i.e., pleasing self vs. pleasing God).
Excellent job brotha! I greatly appreciate you taking on this subject. I appreciate the honestly in which Eric discusses religion/Christianity. This is a topic I have first hand experience with. My wife and I dealt with this issue from the beginning of our relationship, almost broke us up many times. It’s still something I know will cause problems/issues later on. Being honest I would say it depends on the level of ‘unevenness’ because it regardless of love, splitting may be the best option as hard as it may be especially when considering starting a family. With some dynamics you can actually discuss the matter, both sides are somewhat open minded etc and a beautiful growth and understanding can result. But, there are those situations where someone is just so strict on what they believe and feel, good or bad. As unyielding and inflexible as it may seem, you need to be strict in what you want, or at least know what you want. A brotha just said he couldn’t really entertain the idea of a woman that wasn’t Christian. Well there you go…I can talk about how that may seem close minded, a situation where no honest discussion can occur, but if that want you believe, then thats what you believe. What can you do? I may not agree with it, but that firm stance will save a lot of time and heartache, it can prevent discussion, development, understand, experience, but…. I think if a couple is in a situation like this they should communicate as openly and honestly as possible. They can prevent a lot of hurt down the road…Thanks for touching on this topic Eric…this subject extremely touchy with so much to discuss…
being equally yoked is very important because it shows commonality on the things that are important – faith, values, morals, character.
For me it meant being a christian, but because everyone’s a christian nowadays i had to look at the things i mentioned above; so it’s definitely not about religion.
when you’re not equally yoked alot of trivial things become bigger issues than they need to be and you have no clear foundation for how to handle.
you can be equally yoked and yet be totally different in your approach to situations and have personalities at the opposite end of the spectrum.
One of the things I do not see mentioned is that if you do meet someone who initially does not have the same faith background, ,you could use the opportunity to education him/her on your respective beliefs and see a possible conversion. This should not be a missed opportunity to find common ground. Just because someone was not raised with a particular conviction does not mean that they can not find one as an adult.
Right, but the good point is to have a conversation and hope to find common ground, an understanding and to learn. The fact that someone doesn’t have a certain background doesn’t mean they want one as an adult. Here lies one of the problems, coming into a conversation of this magnitude with the assumption that you’re absolutely right. If one can’t entertain the idea of being wrong, then no honest conversation can take place. True, we will educate each other on our ideas, but if the agenda is to somehow “convert” someone, it’s a bit dishonest in that it’s not about a conversation and discussion where both sides may grow, but about getting the other person on board, so to speak….Not all people that are atheists, agnostics, nonbelievers, nonreligious etc are these lost children. Many come into their beliefs having started in the church or with religion…if your goal is to convert, then to use the phrase ‘common ground’ is dishonest and insincere and a bit manipulative…
I see your point with regard to the comments here, however in the 2nd to last paragraph I do make mention of the very point you are raising in your comment here, though I mention it regarding people as they consider their relationship more seriously prior to marriage.
I have never understood “The unequally yoked”. It is always taken out of context….The Bible says ” be not unequally yoked with A NON BELIEVER”! Every thing else is just made up!
The apostle Paul wrote at 2 Corinthians 6:14 :Do not become unevenly yoked with unbelievers”. This is important when choosing a marriage mate. Marriage is suppose to be a permanent partnership, for Jesus Christ said:” What God has yoked together let no man put apart.”(Matt:19:6) Much heartache results when a married couple do not share beliefs,principles and goals. Difference in religious belief is just one factor that could cause a couple to be unevenly yoked.”who will handle the money,do we have the same goals,do we want kids,where will we live,etc? To some degree,the manner in which such issues are discussed can indicate whether a yoke will be even or not. Of course, no two persons are completely compatible, but when you love one another “till death do us part” you will communicate and do whatever is necessary to stay together.
Definitely a tough subject for couples. Hubby and I are both baptist Christians, but while I was raised missionary baptist, he was raised primitive baptist. So I don’t think we’re quite equally yoked yet but it’s possible to become so later on.
E, absolutely GREAT piece. It blows me how folk make things so complicated. Lets remove the entire concept of religion/spirituality out of the equation. One spouse is a saver and they are married to a reckless spender – one who is an unbeliever of the principles of saving. Will that marriage not struggle and potentially have heartbreak behind being financially unevenly yoked. Man this ain’t rocket science. Agains GREAT piece.
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Great topic. I guess my wife and I would be considered “super” unevenly yoked (I am Muslim and she is Christian). Yet thru the grace of GOD we have been married for 10 years and raising two beautiful kids.
When we first met religion was a touchy topic and in our early years we had to learn that respect and understanding is most important. Most religions have a common theme to them and teach this very concept of respect for each other regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, etc.
I’ve seen many evenly yoked and unevenly yoked marriages fall apart.
Mutual respect and a strong foundation is the key. As we move closer to GOD, we move closer to each other. Let no one define your marriage for you.
I believe having a strong foundation is the key with belief in GOD
I loved this piece; but for some readers including myself, I would have like to have seen what the definition of being “equally yoked” means. How does this relate to cross cultural lines? We are seeing many more inter-racial dating and marriages. How does being equally yoked play into this?
EQUALLY YOKED, has been taken out of context for a long time. It relates to two people who have the same Christian beliefs. When couples have dated and are now ready to marry, then having the same faith allows them to have a union based upon the same Christian beliefs and principles. This bonded relationship is equally yoked. When children come into a union with parents that are equally yoked, the precedence for the home has been set with the same Christian principles. An unfavorable example of a couple that is not equally yoked would result in the following. Two people may be in love but each have different faith beliefs…different principles lie between both of them. One does, thinks and believes one way and the other, thinks and believes just the opposite. This places the union in a complicated position and more likely to being argumentative in certain parenting decisions and other related areas.
It has been stated that cross cultural lines, inter-racial dating and marriages can not be equally yoked. This proves to be incorrect due to the fact that Christian beliefs are prevalent in many cultural lines and mixed relationships. We are all one people with some having different likes and dislikes. Therefore, in exercising their prerogative, different choices are made. If a person is ready to commit to a long-term relationship, it would be to their best interest to chose a partner that has the same faith beliefs. In doing so, this would help in having unions that are equally yoked, with the hope of a sound and stable foundation, well rounded children, and perhaps a lowered rate of breakdowns in the family unit.
CODE CRACKER – when someone says we can’t be together because we are not equally yoked it really means they wouldn’t do what I wanted them to do so they had to go…its just another form of control. If you love someone you love them faults in all. No one follows the Bibles laws to the letter we all pick and choose what works best for us.