When it comes to our work, we can be so protective of our time. After all, time is money and we don’t want anyone messing with our money, right?
I get it. I am about my business, too, and I hate having my time wasted.
But the thing is, if women can be bosses when it comes to valuing our time in business, then why do so many of us allow men to waste our time when dating? It just doesn’t make any sense.
Sure, money is no longer involved, but does that make your time any less valuable? I don’t think so. I think anyone that enters your world and wants to stay in it, long-term, should value all of you—and that includes your time.
We teach people how to treat us. Once you start teaching a man that it is okay to devalue your time, he will keep doing it. Now this doesn’t mean that you should be inflexible. Not at all. Things happen and sometimes someone can waste your time even with the best intentions. But when wasting your time starts to become a pattern, it’s just disrespectful. And, you deserve better than that.
So how do you know if he doesn’t value your time? Here are 5 signs.
1. He’s ALWAYS late.
I hate being late. I will admit that since I’ve had children, my record of timeliness is tarnished, but I still try my best. But I have to admit that there are people I love who struggle with being on time—like they struggle a lot. That said, I still think there is something to be said for putting your best foot forward. If you just started dating someone and he is never on time for anything, he clearly doesn’t value your time. If it’s just a bad habit that he should at least make an effort to change once you bring it up. If he makes no effort to change, he just doesn’t value your time that much.
2. He makes comments that devalue the work you do.
When you date someone, he should value your time and the work that do, even if he doesn’t understand it. If your man has a demanding corporate job and acts like your time is always more flexible than his because you are a writer or an entrepreneur, then you have to clarify a few things for him. Your work may be different than his, but it still takes time and your time needs to be valued.
3. He only considers what’s most convenient for him.
If he only suggests doing things and going places when it’s convenient for him, without considering your wants and needs, he doesn’t value your time. A healthy relationship is about mutual respect. A man that values your time will ask about your schedule and will choose times that are mutually convenient before planning things.
4. He reschedules at the last minute a lot.
Doing this occasionally is not a huge issue, but if you are dating a man who does this a lot, it’s a problem. When a guy is always canceling or rescheduling it sends a clear message that he believes that his time is more valuable than yours. We both know that’s not true so he needs to either recognize your worth or hit the road.
5. He never checks with you before making plans.
A surprise from time to time is great. But when your man always takes it upon himself to plan stuff without checking in with you, it’s inconsiderate. What if you have a commitment you can’t break? What if you had something else in mind? I’m not knocking a brother who makes plans because I know so many get a bad rep for never planning. I’m simply saying that if he always does it and you rarely get to chime in on any of plans made (especially the dates and times for those plans), you have to wonder why he’s doing that.
Ladies don’t waste time! If the man you are dating doesn’t value your time, then it’s up to you to decided whether staying in the relationship is worth it or not. But either way, you should set some boundaries around respecting your time.
BMWK ladies, how do you know if the man in your life doesn’t value your time?
I and my man had a free weekend. No plans were made. (NOTE: I am an introvert who likes to be alone by myself most of the time and feel great to be alone if he wants to go out with his friends. He is aware of that.) So, that weekend, I was looking forward to just relax in my house , and may be, watch a movie with my man, which I had discussed with him the day before and he agreed. Then, suddenly, in the middle of the day he says:”PLEASE, let’s go to the beach for a while. I want us to enjoy so much!”
It sounded like a good idea. But I was not ready at all, (NOTE: It takes me two hours on avergae to get ready anywhere.. This is who I am I’m always like that and he knows it.). So, I prefer to know in advance if we are going out. But I thought to pressure myself and rush this time to please him . I rushed to get ready because he seemed to want it for us so much. And, occassionally,I think it’s ok to be spontaneous and break my routine for the sake of together quality time, which we rarely have.
I got ready too quick: in 30 minutes (a bit stressful for me, but he repeated “hurry!” a few times.). I decided to go with him BUT only for 1-2 hours and not for entire day as I still had chores to do and prepare for my work for the next day. So I told him “I’m ready to go, but I also have to make sure we go out for just a couple of hours. Can you please confirm that you’ll bring me back around 5-6pm?” ( And it is always approximate -I never demand him to bring me back on exact minute-for-minute timing as if on the job) He answered that he does not like this question at all and that I should never ask about the time. He said that he already knows me and he is not even going to discuss my time needs. Then I just said: ” there’s no need for long discussions. Just tell me that you WILL drive me back from the beach in two hours.” He acted mad and said “I’m not going to talk about it because I don’t like it. And you should consider what I like and what I don’t like in our relationship. So, I’m telling you I don’t like when I have to discuss your time frames.” Then he left alone without saying anything as if mad.
I do feel it was disrespectful. on his part. I could not say anything about it as he left the house. . I texted him back this:
” I respect that you don’t like discussing time and it’s ok, my baby. You don’t have to do it. Discussing time, however, is crucially important for me, I will think about not doing it. But frankly, I don’t think I can give that up. Time is extremely precious and I always plan everything. Without plans ahead of time or some form of agreement on time, I am not able to enjoy going out any where neither would I want to. That is also fine with me. I think nobody should do what they don’t like. And I see that the best solution for us is to not go out together any more, which is no problem for me. We still hve a good time together in the house. And, I will love you even if never go out together. Take care, my love. Miss you. ”
He did not answer yet. I have a big suspicion, he’ll give me a few days of silent treatment after this, without solving anything. This situation happened several times – when he acts mad if I try to negotiate convenient time for not only him but for us: both him and me. (NOTE: In the past, I did go out with him under his pressure without confirming time frames, important for me. And at those times, when we were out, I would ask I need and feel like I want to go back home, he would say “just wait a little bit and we’ll go home” . His “little bit” always lasted between 3-6 hours, which screwed up my plans a lot. After that, I explained to him how inconvenient it was for me, and I therefore, tried to clarify time frame before we go out.
Nothing seems to work. We almost never go out anymore. But fortunately, we can still have good time together in the house. I am happy with just that. Frankly. I lost the desire to go out with him. The first three years of our relationship, he always considered my time and plans, and we went out together a lot (once a week). Now, after I moved in to live with him together , it is not like that anymore. May be the change is due to lack of physical distance between us and hence appreciation for personal space/time (boundaries), We go out once/twice a year. Whatever it is, it hurts. From not living together but going out once a week we evolved into living together but going out once/twice a year. But I don’t want to blame him. He has a right to change in the direction that might not be convenient for me. I’m happy either way because I will never compromise on my own needs and respect them as well as respect his needs (however different they may be).
What is your opinion on this? Specifically, do I or my man act rude in any way toward each other? Thank you.